Dealing with uncertainty

I mentioned in my last post that I will start to focus on my own actions and my emotions in terms of conflicts and misunderstandings. But, I keep on wondering, what if I managed to do that but the other side of the relationship is still struggling and weak.

I have read that if you are involved with a weak man, you will always end up sharing him. I can continuously confront all the girls online but he will  be back on the game the next day. I realized that I’ve been experiencing this all this time, all the red flags but I was heavily blinded. I do not have any control on his actions and I cannot always see what he is doing when he is left alone.

I am scared that I’ll be tired of competing with other women. I’m scared that my love won’t even be enough to save him from being someone who is not right. I have read that Wandering eye, pornography, texting females, chatting online with (female) strangers, spends so much time or obsession with social networking sites, secret email password, takes his phone with him everywhere, cheating, lying, the list goes on.
Other signs: irritability even if you did not do anything wrong, abusive behaviour, physical violence, etc. all shows someone who is sexually addicted or psychotic and it’s a threat, to me and my son. I’m scared that I may end up someone who I am not  and I am scared that my son might see all of these and cannot even do anything to help.

I have made a promise that I’ll start it within  me, I’ll continue my job to love him as his partner but when the last straw is out. I will definitely find another man strong enough not to make all these girls my competition in the first place.

 

Here at it again

I came back.

I honestly have no idea what will happen days from now or even years but I’m trying to keep my hopes up that things will turn out as what is the best for every one.

I admit, my mind can go cray cray at times but I can never be blamed for anything that happened to him. As I have always mentioned, he chose to go there and whatever he is doing inside, I will never know and I do not intend to know anymore. My mind is at peace that somehow he admitted that he really does go there.

Though, I am still plagued with questions and doubts, I have no choice but to keep it all inside and not talk about anymore. I always tell myself that if ever it happens again, I will not react the same way that I confronted him. I know it will be really hard but I will try my best to set aside my emotions and focus more on my actions. Sometimes, I wonder what goes in his mind, can he really stop or he is finding ways to continue such acts. Well anyway, I have to stop thinking about it and start working on myself first.

I am not perfect. We are not the same. We are totally two different persons but we have the same choice, and it is to make this family work. I hope that whatever happens, we will always have this same objective and it is to keep this family no matter what. I am choosing to stay not because it is convenient, not because of my son but because I have decided that I will not play the blame game anymore. I have come to the realization that I am in charge  of my life in general and how I address the issues that I may encounter. I can only fully live happier once I focused on what matters and what is for the best.

“One of the biggest favors that you can do for yourself is to accept your loved ones for who they are, and not be constantly disappointed because they are not who you think they should be.”
Jennifer O’Neill

Recently, I am trying to accept him as an individual first and not as a father or a husband. For the past years, months and days, I have set my expectations on him. I have been critical on myself and to him. I have always wanted more from him but thinking about it now, I realized that not everything that I want will go as planned and I can not really control his actions and even his thoughts and decisions. We all know that everyone has something good about them. What you can do is to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that.

For the coming days, I only have high hopes for myself in terms of how I will respond to future difficulties may it be about him, my son or our family as a whole. I need to let go of certainty but be open and willing. I need to  condition my mind and body so that happiness is totally within the way I will perceive things and handle rough patches in life.

 

 

 

 

On my way

It has been two days that i ve been riding uber pool and grab going home. Weird that the way that they keep following is along burgos st in Makati and I keep on seeing one of the Spa Place in which he used (or still) visiting for ‘massages’.

I really dont know how to feel but everytime I see it,  I saw how it wrecked our family. I have high hopes for us but ever since I found out about it I lost all my hopes and dreams. I feel like it fell down before it was even been built. 

I wish that someday when I see or stumble upon this place again, I will not feel anything,  not a single emotion and pain of the past. 

I do not really think about it anymore. But some people just starts noticing the bruises on my arms. Well, my fault that i wore a sleeveless blouse today.

Its hard to think of the best reason to answer their questions. “Why do you have bruises?” “Where did you get that?” “What happened to your arm?”. All these questions and I just smile and say that I dont know how I got it either! 

They are almost healed but still quite visible. I wish my mind and heart can heal that fast as well. All these bruises are nothing to me. They will be gone soon but my mind will still wander and think of how and why we ended up like this. 

We already have invested so much for our family. We have a house, everything that we need and Mason. From the first time we met, now we’re down to this. Everytime that I feel devastated I always trace back to our first dates and first kiss and I always get really emotional. 

I do not know what he is thinking right now. I wish I knew. Everything is still a question and I dont know when will I get the answer.

Pathological Dishonesty

They say that “A strong relationship is based on trust, understanding and mutual respect”

However, what if your special someone constantly lies and creates a whole new stories just to cover things up.

I looked it up and found that there really is someone who is a “Pathological Liar”

Pathological lying is a behavior of habitual or compulsive lying

Pathological lying is in Factor 1 of the Psychopathy Checklist (PCL)

*source:wikipedia

Defining characteristics of pathological lying include:

  • The stories told are usually dazzling or fantastical, but never breach the limits of plausibility, which is key to the pathological liar’s tactic. The tales are not a manifestation of delusion or some broader type of psychosis—on confrontation, the teller can admit they are untrue, even if unwillingly.[citation needed]
  • The fabricative tendency is chronic. It is not provoked by the immediate situation or social pressure so much as it is an innate trait of the personality. There is some element of dyscontrol present.[citation needed]
  • A definitely internal, not an external, motive for the behavior can be discerned clinically: e.g., long-lasting extortion or habitual spousal battery might cause a person to lie repeatedly, without the lying being a pathological symptom.[2]
  • The stories told tend toward presenting the liar favorably. The liar “decorates their own person”[3] by telling stories that present them as the hero or the victim. For example, the person might be presented as being fantastically brave, as knowing or being related to many famous people, or as having great power, position, or wealth.

*source: psychcentral.com

And as per Psychcentral.com based on clinical experience there are 6 things that you need to keep in mind as you deal with the pathological liar:

  1. Know that a pathological liar will study you: The goal of the liar may be hidden, but you can count on the fact that the they don’t want you to know the truth. In order to evade someone, you certainly need to study the person and examine what that person might or might not believe. Liars, often sociopaths, are known to “study” the person they hope to take advantage of. In other words, they look for weaknesses.
  2. Don’t forget that the liar lacks empathy: As hard as it is to believe, it is true. The liar does not have any moral consciousness of how the lying behavior may make you feel. The liar does not think before he lies: “oh, I better not say that or I could hurt that person or mislead them.” The liar does not care anything about your feelings and never will. A question many parents of my former clients have asked their child who lies is: “Why don’t you just tell me the truth? Why is that so hard!?” As difficult as it is to believe, it is not that easy for the liar to divulge the truth. The liar lacks the ability to consider what you might feel in response to their lie (which is empathy).
  3. Normal people feel guilty and are relieved when you change the topic or stop asking questions: This was an interesting point that I learned about as I studied forensic psychology as a graduate student some years ago. While working with juvenile delinquents, I found that the pathological liar shows no emotion when lying which makes them believable. A person who is lying and has normal levels of empathy and concern for others, will often show relief when the topic being discussed is changed. For example, if someone told you that they grew up in a concentration camp and experienced a lot of trauma as a result, you would ask questions about it to further understand. If you changed the topic at the point when you observed stress or anxiety in response to your questions, you would see the person relax because they are aware of the consequences of their lying. Most of us will relax when others cease from asking too many questions about a topic we are lying about. A pathological liar is not fazed. You will rarely if ever see emotion.
  4. All liars do not do the common things you think liars do: Believe it or not, liars do not always touch their nose, shift in their seats or from one foot to the next, or even look sneaky when lying. Some really experienced liars are good at giving you direct eye contact, seeming relaxed or “laid back,” and may appear very sociable. The thing to look for is eye contact that feels piercing. Some sociopaths have learned how to evade people with direct eye contact, sociable smiles, and humor. Trust your instincts and discernment. What do their eyes tell you? What does their behavior or laughter tell you?
  5. The most sneaky liars are manipulative: I once heard someone say “we all manipulate.” While this might be true to a certain degree, the liar tends to manipulate more than anyone else and has learned how to become a “pro” at doing it. There is nothing impressive about the dangerous or evil manipulator. They know everything to say and do, they know what you want and don’t want, and again, they will “study” you. In fact, many pathological liars (and sociopaths) use sexual or emotional arousal to distract you from the truth. Proceed with caution when dealing with someone who seems to be directing their attention to you in such a way as to stimulate your arousal to distract you. That arousal could be psychological (peaking your interest), emotional (causing you to feel connected to them), or sexual.
  6. Pathological liars exhibit strange behaviors: Can you remember how you felt, perhaps as a child or teen, after you were caught lying to a teacher, a parent, or friend? Did you feel guilty, sad, or afraid that the other person would no longer accept you? Some research suggests that pathological liars show no discomfort when caught lying, while other studies suggest that liars may become aggressive and angry when caught. The bottom line is that no pathological liar is the same.

There are many consequences of being a pathological liar. Due to lack of trust, most pathological liars’ relationships and friendships fail. If the disease continues to progress, lying could become so severe as to cause legal problems, including, but not limited to, fraud.

 

Eccedentesiast

Im lying if ill say im fine. But somehow,  i am feeling quite relieved after seeing him. He looks calm very different from the night before.

This weekend was a mess. Definitely something id rather forget. 

Amidst all the physical pain, emotional pain really cuts deep. It’s hurts to know that Im constantly being lied on. It hurts that im not worth the truth. Sometimes,  I only feel that I am there as a mother but not as a wife or a partner. I am doing everything that I know and I can and I try as much as possible to not upbraid all of those things because as a mother it was and they were my responsibilities.

One thing is for sure, all words said hits harder than the slaps, pulling of hair and scourges done. I must admit i reprimanded. One memory has stayed and it was when mason was laughing while I was being forced and hit. He thought that it was just a play. A game. Im scared that he’ll think that hitting and slapping is a game that he can play to anyone. I cry everytime I remember that sight. 

Seeing my son beside me while he is sleeping somehow makes everything okay. My days are still a blur. Someone told me to keep on praying,  ask for a sign and take everything one step at a time.