Have you ever had the feeling where you know that something is bound to happen, that something is about to end but then you still hope that somehow everything will turn the other way?
It’s the last day of february. It’s the 29th and this is supposed to be our first leap year monthsary.
I don’t know why but I’m seriously nervous for this coming weekend. It will be a long one for sure. I know we are not together anymore. That he decided to end it up and that he wanted to just be on his own. I know that it’s for the best. That sometimes, you just know when it’s enough already. I tried to change but I failed. He tried to be patient but he just had too much of it. Still I insisted that we should go together on that vacation. That maybe it’s our time to talk and think about things between us. I’m scared and I’m a bit bothered. I’m scared that I may not be able to handle the words and things that he might say. I’m bothered that it will turn out to be a disaster. I miss our old selves. I really do. I miss how we talk, I miss how we laugh and I just miss how we look at each other. Everything about us just changed. It seems like we are strangers again to each other. For the past week, we’ve been seeing and talking with each other but I’m starting to notice how different he is now. He’s not the same. He is pulling away from me.
This coming weekend, I want to know everything. I want him to look at me and tell me everything that I needed to hear. I want him to open his heart to me and show me why this is happening to us. I need to know.
I still have no idea on what I will do after this weekend. But, what I do know is that, whatever happens it’s for the both of us. It’s for our own sake. Things happen and no one knows why but if it’s for the better then surely it will also be worth it.
When I was a child, when me and my sister was still in good terms, she taught me that I should make Reading as my hobby. She would always buy me books and magazines to read. I was 6 years old when she started buying me books, magazines and even song books. She would save some of her money from school and during weekends we would go to the mall and buy those books that she likes me to read. when I was 9 years old,
I could already finish 1 paperback book for kids and after that she would buy me another one.
The first ever book that I read was The baby sitters club book series.
After reading the first book of the series, I guess it really got me hooked on reading because after that I bought another book of that series until I finally decided to change to another kind of book.
Reading can really enhance the imagination and comprehension of a child. I think that’s what happened to me. I think, I became creative, imaginative and a little smart because of reading books.
Another book that my sister bought for me was The tales of a fourth grade Nothing. I can say that it was one of my all time favorite book. It was about a young boy and his family. I guess, many child can relate to his story.
I also bought two more books by Judy Blume. I think she’s a great book writer especially for teens and kids.
I did not stop reading even when I reached High school. I also bought different kinds of magazines where I will be able to answer crosswords and word puzzles.
In Highschool, I felt very happy when I found out that we will have literature class in which we will read different books and make a report about it. I never had troubles making those book reports because I got plenty of books to choose from and I know the stories well that made it very easy for me. My sister prepared me for those kinds of things.
On my second year, they gave us a book in which we should read and discuss at the end of the whole school year. The book was thick and the words used were a bit difficult to understand that I usually check the dictionary for help. But because of that book, I fell in love in reading and I said to myself that I will read more books like this.
It was the book written by Amy Tan, The Hundred Secret Senses, this time the book was totally different from those books that I started reading. This was a bit deep and complicated.
The story revolves around the story of two sisters: Olivia American and pragmatic, and Kwan, Chinese and mystical, who can converse to the dead. The book is magical and captivating. It will take you to the past and bring you back to the present. This book encouraged me to read and read.
After graduation, I went to college and studied Nursing. I stopped reading because of the time and books that I need to read for our major. I found myself watching TV series instead of reading because it’s easier to do since I only had limited time. I’m always in a hurry because of tons of assignments that they always give us.
I graduated from nursing and I started reading again but only on occasions when I feel like reading.
So, now that I got plenty of time. I want to get back to reading and share it with other people. I want to learn and to gain knowledge from reading. When I read, I can feel the sense of nostalgia and euphoria at the same time. I feel relieved and contented.
If you’re a close friend of mine, you know that I really love Vanessa Anne Hudgens. I like her music and her perfect face!
But, aside from those things, I definitely like her style! Her style is just being herself but the comfort and the preppy,funk and chic style is still there.
You might always see her wearing skinny jeans, long or sometimes short big or flowy shirts with stylish boots and also nice sweaters.
She also always wears long metallic like necklaces that sometimes enhances the color of the clothes that she’s wearing.
I love it when she’s wearing printed or sometimes plain v-neck shirts and pairs it with tight pants and boots! I just love the sense of comfort that it brings. If you know me, you can always see me in this kind of get up minus the boots. lol
When it comes to dresses, she’s best with classy but fun styles. I would totally wear this one!
I think that her style really matches those girls with not-so-thin physique and petite height. In dressing up, comfort is still the number one priority.
I honestly don’t know how to feel right now.
Breaking up with the person that you cared about for 3 years is never easy. We have experienced breaking up for at least 3 times. But each time is different. And this time, I’m confused and worried that I might dwell on this heart break a little longer.
I’m the kind of person who always brags about things and rants about anything that gets in my way. I always think that I’m stronger and braver than anybody I know and yet I cry at romantic movies and series. I got a huge sense of pride and I never let my guard down. If I want something, I’ll do anything to get it. When I say something hurtful, I really mean it. I always hide my weakness in front of him. I usually say things that will make him worried or scared.
I know those attitudes really affected on how I’ve been on our relationship for those 3 years. Maybe he felt uneasy and in doubt. I always say that I know my problems, I know my mistakes but I never did anything to change any of those problems. I have solutions and plans but they were left behind. I guess, I just didn’t learn.
In our relationship, I’ve been the nagger, doubtful, insecure and the jealous one. He became the unfaithful, deceitful and insincere person. Every time that I think about it, I realized that everything that happened to us was the result of each others uncertainty.
In the past 2 weeks, we decided to not talk at all. No means of any communication. I was surprised of the things that he did. I never thought that he would go all the way. I did not see that he will be going out here and there, meeting new people and meeting new friends. I was wrong to think that he will just think of me all the time that we were apart. I was too confident. When I found out about those things that he did, I realized that I’ve treated him like a prisoner. It was like he was finally free from his cage and he can finally run away and be lost in the sky. I was too firm. He let me hold him too close until he can’t breathe anymore. He said that in that 2 weeks, he realized that he miss all the things that he used to do with his friends. He miss going out and partying. He met new friends, most were girls and he learned new things from them. He let lose, he was not scared of me anymore.
After 2 weeks, we met and he decided that for now, he doesn’t want any relationship. He realized that he got tired of all the relationship dramas that we had. He wanted to keep me but he doesn’t want any commitment. He loves me but he doesn’t want to continue our relationship. I agreed but I was really confused. I just know that I agreed because I was also getting my fair share and because I was scared, I was scared because I was not ready to let him go.
But, after talking to my friends, I realized that I shouldn’t have accepted that offer. I shouldn’t have entertained that idea. It was a game and I was throwing myself in the game without a game plan.
That it was a very unfair set up especially for me. I lost my respect to myself by agreeing and even opening that idea. I exposed myself to the pain and hurt that I might experience if we will continue with it. I love him, yes I do. But, I should not let that love hold me in my neck and let it squeeze me until I can no longer feel myself. I was a coward.
We almost thought that we will be together until we grow old and can’t even walk or hear anymore. We already had some plans, oh well not actually plans but we made some ideas on how we will raise our children and our family. But, things happen and things change.
Right now, I still don’t know how to cope with this pain, but maybe in time, I will be able to soar freely and be myself again. Too bad that this was my time to experience it. lol.
I learned so many things in that relationship. Lord God has plans for me and I know why he is doing this. I know that if I just let him do his wonders. Everything that happened to me will be just a bad dream and my reality will be better and brighter. He will never let me down.
This year, I promised myself that If I have a chance and time I would go to different places and just be mesmerized by the awesome scenery it can offer.
I want to explore new things and gain new experiences.
Wanderlust. A strong desire for or impulse to wander or travel and explore the world.
This is a very expensive desire, right?haha. But, money should be out of the way if you really want to explore and wander the world.
I envy those people who get to travel every month or even every week but they don’t seem to enjoy and be captured by the chance that they have. They don’t even know how lucky they are to be able to see the beauty of this world.
Right now, I’m starting to get out more and to go to other places here in our country to be able to see and enjoy the things that we are proud of. Someday, I will be able to travel other countries and cities.
Big no. When I was younger, I was imagining myself at this age. From what I remembered, I saw myself as a successful women with a good job or career and just being happy. I thought that by this time, I would be able to cope with my father really well. That I will be able to go everywhere I want, meet different people and be in an amazing relationship. That I was happy and confident. But, I guess I was wrong. haha! Jokes on me but I was more than what I thought I would be. Yes, my career right now is a mess, I still don’t know where and what to do but because of that I became hopeful and hardworking. Yes, I still have troubles with my father but I’m learning how to handle stressful situations with him. I learned how to listen and just understand him. Lastly, I fell in love and got my heart broken. It is really painful but atleast I know now what to do next time that I fall in love. Everything is not what I expected it to be but I learned and It helped me to be a better person. Better than I thought I would be.
I think I decided to let go.
I keep thinking about it and talking with my friends really helped me a lot.
Some things are just left unsaid and will be better left unsaid. I believe in Love, Romance and of course Hope. I would like to remain that way even though sometimes they fail me so bad. I think letting go and letting people move away from you is healthy. Life of other person should not revolve around you. You’re killing them and it’s not right. They are letting you to keep them even though everything is out of hand. People are just like that, they are very dependent. It takes a very strong and experienced person to stand alone and be on your own.
I want to be that person. I want to know myself, be myself and just stand firmly by myself. I don’t want to be weak. I want to be happy and contented.