Love · Relationships

Running in circles

I’m confused.

I honestly don’t know how to feel right now.

Breaking up with the person that you cared about for 3 years is never easy. We have experienced breaking up for at least 3 times. But each time is different. And this time, I’m confused and worried that I might dwell on this heart break a little longer.

I’m the kind of person who always brags about things and rants about anything that gets in my way. I always think that I’m stronger and braver than anybody I know and yet I cry at romantic movies and series. I got a huge sense of pride and I never let my guard down. If I want something, I’ll do anything to get it. When I say something hurtful, I really mean it. I always hide my weakness in front of him. I usually say things that will make him worried or scared.

I know those attitudes really affected on how I’ve been on our relationship for those 3 years. Maybe he felt uneasy and in doubt. I always say that I know my problems, I know my mistakes but I never did anything to change any of those problems. I have solutions and plans but they were left behind. I guess, I just didn’t learn.

In our relationship, I’ve been the nagger, doubtful, insecure and the jealous one. He became the unfaithful, deceitful and insincere person. Every time that I think about it, I realized that everything that happened to us was the result of each others uncertainty.

In the past 2 weeks, we decided to not talk at all. No means of any communication. I was surprised of the things that he did. I never thought that he would go all the way. I did not see that he will be going out here and there, meeting new people and meeting new friends. I was wrong to think that he will just think of me all the time that we were apart. I was too confident. When I found out about those things that he did, I realized that I’ve treated him like a prisoner. It was like he was finally free from his cage and he can finally run away and be lost in the sky. I was too firm. He let me hold him too close until he can’t breathe anymore. He said that in that 2 weeks, he realized that he miss all the things that he used to do with his friends. He miss going out and partying. He met new friends, most were girls and he learned new things from them. He let lose, he was not scared of  me anymore.

After 2 weeks, we met and he decided that for now, he doesn’t want any relationship. He realized that he got tired of all the relationship dramas that we had. He wanted to keep me but he doesn’t want any commitment. He loves me but he doesn’t want to continue our relationship. I agreed but I was really confused. I just know that I agreed because I was also getting my fair share and because I was scared, I was scared because I was not ready to let him go.

But, after talking to my friends, I realized that I shouldn’t have accepted that offer. I shouldn’t have entertained that idea. It was a game and I was throwing myself in the game without a game plan.

That it was a very unfair set up especially for me. I lost my respect to myself by agreeing and even opening that idea. I exposed myself to the pain and hurt that I might experience if we will continue with it. I love him, yes I do. But, I should not let that love hold me in my neck and let it squeeze me until I can no longer feel myself.  I was a coward.

We almost thought that we will be together until we grow old and can’t even walk or hear anymore.  We already had some plans, oh well not actually plans but we made some ideas on how we will raise our children and our family. But, things happen and things change.

Right now, I still don’t know how to cope with this pain, but maybe in time, I will be able to soar freely and be myself again. Too bad that this was my time to experience it. lol.

I learned so many things in that relationship. Lord God has plans for me and I know why he is doing this. I know that if I just let him do his wonders. Everything that happened to me will be just a bad dream and my reality will be better and brighter. He will never let me down.

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