Plagued with insecurities

This morning, I was feeling a little down and not in the mood. I was worried and suddenly scared  at the same time. I think, my insecurity is just at an all time high so I decided to browse the internet and I found a site and started reading Signs of Insecurity. In the article, they explained the signs of an insecure person and how to manage them especially for those in a relationship. I was amazed on how well it described an insecure person. And how well I can relate to it.

As I said in my past entry Beautiful Cliche, I was really not the kind of person who’s self conscious until the day that I had scars all over my body and from the day that I had a boyfriend and left me for another girl just because that girl is pretty, nice, understanding and sexy, oh well maybe everything that I’m not.

From that day on, I became more self aware and conceited. My insecurities blew like a big wave. I realized how appearance can really affect a person’s attitude and personality. Since then, I never looked at my self the same way like before. I realized how insecure I am about my body because I’ve never been slim, and slim is what society tells me is attractive. I made myself believe that I’m not beautiful because I don’t have a nice face and skin or long soft hair or any of it. I don’t have normal sized boobs or long legs or anything that would ever be considered ‘pretty’. Yes, sometimes picture makes me look better than I do but still that does not make any difference. I get jealous whenever I see pretty girls around my boyfriend. I got scared that he might leave me again for someone better and that is freaking me out already. I’m attracted to slender girls myself, probably because I pay such close attention to fashion, but is it beautiful to me because it’s NOT what I am?

Insecurities have definitely took a stronger grip on my life than need be. That’s why some people continue to look for ways to being perfect. Perfection is an illusion and we’re sick because we want it. If you let it continue, you’ll see how crazy it works and the power it has over you. It will make you weak and scared. It will make you sit and worry and see things in a more different way and mostly in a negative way.It makes you question why people around you seem different. Why you’re so different.When in reality, the only thing that’s changing at all is your mind.

I know, I’m far from being secure again and as they said there is no cure for insecurities, you just have to have acceptance and understanding. I realized that if I can’t take it out, I have to let the nice things come out and be confident again.

Note to self: There are so many things to be insecure about and I have my own flaws and insecurities which I am aware of.
But why bother? All I need to do is be myself because I should always be my first priority. If they don’t like me then be it.