Unlike my other posts about how my day went, I’ll make this a really quick one, I’m still super stressed and messed up. I can’t focus and I have a lot of things on my mind.
This week has been a wreck! A lot had happened already and mostly were really unfavorable. Biggy’s cousin died (Not sure about the Diagnosis) but it was really an unexpected event. She’s been nice to me and I had a chance to talk to her before the tragic event. I can see how hard it is for her family, she left her two babies and her husband.
And of course the other one is that I made a mistake at work today (actually it was yesterday but they checked it today) the situation is really hard to explain since it’s more about computer/paperworks matter. I feel so dumbfounded and alarmed. I’m scared of what they will think about me. I’m so frightened.
When you fail you learn from the mistakes you made and it motivates you to work even harder.
I’ve been so out of the mood lately, been talking to myself and talking with friends like you who’s obviously got tired and has given up on me already. My paranoia is running like a water in the faucet, very spontaneous. I hate that I’m causing you so much stress and so much things to worry about. As much as I want to control my self, I just can’t help it and I keep on stumbling in the black hole of hopelessness.
When I got this job, I realized how easy it was for me to pass the interviews and exams. I realized that I did not felt any difficulty and anxiety on the process of applying for it. And now that I got it and started working, I’ve come to realized that this is where the crucial part comes. The dreary part just started and I suddenly became aware that I must overcome the weary details before the easy ones. He won’t give this too me, if this is not meant for me. I must work hard and handle every problem and difficulties that comes with this. I’ve been on hiatus with Nursing for almost 1 year and 6 months and everything’s so new to me again.
This past few days, I’ve been so dependent on you, I did not realized that you needed to rest and take your time off too. My insensitivity came rushing again and I’m sorry about that. I know that you need time for yourself too and this past few days, I was always in your way just because I’m not feeling well. I only think about my self and it’s just so devastating. I feel like I need to apologize for doing things differently. So, I’m sorry. I guess I am letting you down again. I don’t know why but whenever I hear your voice and see you, I just feel at ease again. I hope I can say to you that I’m fine and nothing’s wrong but I know you won’t believe me. I just wish that you won’t give up on me like what everyone else did.
When I was younger, I wanted to grow up and be mature enough but now that I’m older (but still immature) I just wish to stay this young forever.
My only consolation is that I feel old but I look young. Hah!
This song will eternally be on my playlist!
Summer + Being young + Love = Pie-in-the-sky!!
It was a truly long and unintelligible day for me. Too plenty to talk about and to short to whine about. Let’s allow the bullets to speak out.
> Woke up late because my work starts at 11am
> Tried my charm talking to lots of people.
> Tried getting along with my co-workers hoping that they would respond positively.
> Observed another Treadmill test. Confusing but apprehensible.
>Saw my boyfriend’s cousin and aunt together with the children having a check up at the clinic. Had a short chat with them.
> Had an awry PPD skin test injection to a 2 year old child. This made my day into a gruesome one. I’m so paranoid that the injection spot would form an edema or be inflamed and would lead me to have an IR. =((( That would be the end of me.
> I was (and still) preoccupied the remaining hours after the incident.
> Went to my boyfriend’s house (to eat, because I know my mother will not prepare food for me), found out he’s sick.
> His parents interrogating me and asking questions about my new work, salary, phone fights and my parents not knowing about Biggy. Pressure time.
> Sudden turn of emotion when I saw Biggy’s baby pic and His father’s baby pic. They look like twins!
Right now, I’m so sleepy but I cannot sleep. I keep on thinking about that injection incident and I feel like I’m about to burst from my paranoia and uneasiness. So help me Lord God.
Oh how I miss blogging. Since I started my new work, I haven’t continuously updating my blog and I miss doing it.
This past few days, I’ve been so frantic with all the work loads and with a lot of new information with my work. I’m so distressed and troubled. I’m so much affected with every word and move that they’ll say especially about me. What irritates me the most is that whenever they try to compare us (all the newbies). Every one of us has their own style and own way of learning, some people learn simultaneously but some learn slowly. It depends on their nature, habits and personality. Ugh! I just hate it when they do that! I hate it, it’s just so unfair!
I just can not make sense of people at work, as well as the irate patients, they say one thing to your face and another behind your back.And for some sick, deranged reason I am meant to feel okay with this, as if it was my choice to end up this way?! And I am also suppose to be okay with this, I am suppose to pretend and just don’t care about all of it. I just don’t know how to blend with them! My only consolation above all of those things is the smile that some of the patients give me whenever I talk to them.
Because of all the issues and concerns that I’ve been receiving and experiencing from my co-workers, managers and other clinic staffs, I keep on blubbering them to my friends.
And I can see that everyone has given up on me, the whole entire world has given up on me.They tell me, this is just new work blues, get over it. But there is so much emotions, hurt, fear and pain built up in me, I just can’t contain it anymore.
Everyone has given up on me.
For now, I must live with this quote:
All things are difficult before they are easy.
Last Tuesday we had an orientation with the whole Healthway staff and family and we had a mall tour meaning we visited all the Healthway branches from different malls. It was really exhausting but I had fun because all the newbies were really funny and approachable. We are five new employees at Robinson’s branch that’s why we’re the noisiest and the most bonded.
The newbies from Van no. 1 (they divided us into two groups for Van 1 and 2)
The nurses and staffs from Robinsons place
Met new people and I was able to get to know some of my new co -workers. A really interesting day it is!
Almost thought that this (off) day would not arrive at all. I just had crazy busy 5 days. After the longest week ever (new job!)
I’ve been so busy with work, catching up and learning to cope and adapting to new things, new workplace and with new people. I’m also continuously ranting and raving about it with some of my friends, my mother and my boyfriend.
I don’t know why, but I feel a little pressured and overburdened with the tensions of being a new employee. I feel like I’m competing with my other new co workers and I’m not liking it. Plus the fact that I’m having a hard time getting by with the Senior Nurses. I’m too sensitive with how they see me and how they look at me and because of that it makes me feel so shy.
I know that, it is normal to feel this way especially that I’m just a new employee and it’s acceptable to make mistakes because there’s still a lot of space to grow and learn. It’s just that, right now, I’m more concerned with how they perceive me as a person and how they look at me physically. Some of my co-workers are a bit snob. Sometimes, I feel like they don’t like me by the way I look and act. I feel so unappreciated and unwanted. Everything is all about my insecurities again. =(
In relation to that, I also feel apologetic because I keep on blurting my complains to my boyfriend and I know he’s also having his own issues at work. Boys just have a way of keeping their feelings to themselves, that sometimes I see him as a carefree and stressed free person but in reality he’s not. I know he’s not telling me some of his problems because he doesn’t want me to worry about him. I just hope I can be like him.
But despite all of that, I’m still keeping my fingers crossed. I know that this will be a very promising year for me, this is an opportunity that I should not waste. I have that feeling deep down in my stomach. The one that says, “Nothing can stop you.” Just like what my boyfriend told me, “Focus on work first”. I just need to work harder and everything will follow.
I just woke up and I haven’t been updating this blog for some time now, I’ve been very busy and depressed. But, yesterday was a laid back Friday for me. It was a breather because I was able to see some of my Highschool friends especially Gercelane who’s been in Singapore and we haven’t seen each other for months! It was a really sentimental feeling.
We had a late dinner.
We bombarded Gerce with questions about going abroad or Singapore and of course, we went back down to our memory lane when we were in Higschool. Laughters and Stories! =))
I really had a nice night, I’m thankful that I got beautiful friends that I can turn to whenever I’m down and stressed.
For the past few days, particularly yesterday and today is a really tragic day for all the Filipinos here in the Philippines. We had massive amount of rainfall and to think that it’s not even a typhoon to cause a huge destruction to most families. A lot of families lost a family member, experienced being trapped in the flood and being left out without electricity, clothes and food! It was a devastating event.
From all those things, again I realized how lucky and blessed I am to be safe here in our house with my whole family. My brother went to our province last week and he got home safe and sound yesterday. We did not experience any flood inside our house and that’s a huge deal for us. Last night, I prayed and thank God for everything and I really do hope that all Filipinos will be able to surpass this yet again another disastrous happening in our country.
Let’s pause for a while and pray.
GOD IS OUR REFUGE
God is our refuge and strength,
a very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change,
though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea;
though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble with its tumult.
God is in the midst of the city; it shall not be moved;
God will help it when the morning dawns.
The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our refuge.
(from Psalm 46)