I worry enough

 

“So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Image

 

After two weeks of not seeing each other, we finally had time to go out and eat and talk and cuddle. There’s just too many “and” =)

We talked about a lot of things, especially about his plans of going abroad and work. I honestly, applaud him for being brave and having an objective in life. Of course, I need to support his intents in life and especially his career. I don’t want to be the cause for him to contemplate things and make it more complicated. 

I remember telling him before he go to sleep that “whatever happens, whether it’s you and me or not, at least we tried”.

Frankly, I’m not the easiest person to understand. I’m a wack. I can’t keep my room sparkly clean and my bag isn’t organized as well. I can’t lose weight no matter how hard I try to be like those extremely perfect models on TV. I might make you worry too much and I know I’ll worry about you a lot. I might annoy you to death with how much of a crybaby I can get.. Or how I don’t grow up as much as I should.

 I may say things and do things for the moment and may regret or change my mind afterwards, but, I’m just so lucky to have someone like him. He kisses me against all my flaws and never judge me by the things that I’ve done and I’ve been doing. He cries with me. Holds my hand whenever I’m cold and sweaty.

This anxiety that I’m feeling about the future is making my current relationship in jeopardy and it’s not right. Let the good times roll. That’s kinda how I felt today. Spending alot of time with friends and loved ones is always so good. But life isn’t always good times. There’s the melancholy daily routine, there’s the struggles, and then there’s the good times. Good times should stand out. Bad times make the good times seem better. 

The present is the future. If I’m happy now, I’ll be happier in my future. Good vibes. 

Advertisements

Getting Somewhere

I wish I had a plan, but I don’t.

Thinking where to go, what to do, and the future. When I was younger I used to think that, when I graduate, I just have to find a job, get married and live a happy life. Well, now that I’m working, I realized, that’s not always the case, it’s never like that.

Everything is going by so quickly. Soon I’ll be turning 25 and yet, I’m still uncertain with what I want to do. My friends, have come and gone. They leave and try for better lives outside our country. I would love to do that but, I’m scared of being alone. I’m afraid to be alone. But, what if I’m suppose to be alone?

I’m not going to lie, because of changes, loss, broken hearted, and thoughts. I have become so weak to face the future. But, I’m so close to the future I can feel it. It scares me how close it is. I know that someday, things may happen whether I like it or not. I know I’m not quite in the realm of testing or hard life decisons but the looming velocity at which I’m approaching sharp turns in my future is just undeniable. I feel like a book of unanswered questions, searching desperately for sense in the non-sensical. It’s almost like trying to come up with your own constellations in the night sky, connecting these dots and giving them meaning isn’t as easy as it seems.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in a year.. but eventually things will turn up, you will get better and be able to look back and say with relief.. “I made it”.

What’s up!

I’ve been absent here for ages and I noticed how depressing my previous posts were. Some things never change and instead of dwelling on them, I’d rather blog about the things that have happened for these past few days. I’ve been so busy with work that I forgot about blogging my experiences.  

For the past few days, I did a lot of catching up with my old friends:

Image

 

Met with my friends from Healthway.

Image

 

Went out with my workmates and had a Despidida party for our Trainer from India.

Image

Had a nice dinner and a fun time at the cafe with my EPI friends. Thank God for having friends who would wait for you after work. =)

Image

Watched the Pyromusical for the first time with my Cousins. It’s also the first time that we went out. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen them. One of those really rare event.

Image

And lastly, we had a Pre birthday celebration for Chucky. Her treat! hehe =)

Looking at these photos, makes me realize that a lot had happened and I didn’t even noticed it. It’s good to know that atleast I had fun times, away from all those stress from work and my family. Thank you Lord. =)

 

 

 

 

You’re making me.

Everytime that you open your mouth, I want to kill myself. I want to forget everything. I want to disappear. All this hurt, I feel like it’s trying to explode out of me.

You’re making me hate you. You’re doing and saying things that destroys our family. I just can’t understand you anymore. It kills me to see you like this. It hurts me to see my mother suffer from you. I’m tired of waking up to the sound of your temper. You’re wasting time.

I think of running away, far from you and your regrets. Far from your animosities. But, I can’t, we couldn’t. It seems like there’s no chance for you to change. I’m just sick of it.

He’s Incurable

Talking to him makes me want to cry.

Is it because he’s too old to understand or there’s just too much hate that he became closed minded.

I know that he is struggling, I know that a lot of things happened, I know that he’s getting really old but that’s not really the reason why he became such person. He hates her. 

I don’t know how to handle him anymore, I used to talk to him when I have problems at school and work. But, whenever he has problems with us, with our mother, he’s becoming a really different person. I used to give him high tones of voice and hurt him just to make him listen to me, to us. We used to talk to him nicely but either way, he’s still the same. He shattered every familial bond with his selfishness.

I’m really disappointed with him. He’s unstable. He’s out of motivation, he doesn’t trust us and he’s resistant. Ever since I was a child, I never fail to wish and pray that someday he’ll change. That someday, he’ll listen to us and just live a smooth family life.

If there’s one thing that I want, that would be a peaceful and loving family. But, how can it happen when I’m surrounded with uncompromising and narrow minded people. He gave up a long time ago. I’m really tired.