20 Quotes that made me Fall in Love with Joybell C.

Out of distraction and comfort, I stumbled onto Goodreads. Yep! I always refer to Good reads whenever I feel sad or whatever kind of emotions. I feel like I wanted to find the right words that contains my exact feelings through other person’s thoughts and viola I found C. Joybell C.!

There’s a lot of quotes and excerpts that she wrote and I couldn’t agree more on some of her words. I have gathered few of my faves:

  1. You can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won’t mean as much as what you can have when you sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet you feel that person with your heart, you feel like you have known the person for forever…. connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.”
  2. .“If you want to forget something or someone, never hate it, or never hate him/her. Everything and everyone that you hate is engraved upon your heart; if you want to let go of something, if you want to forget, you cannot hate.”
  3. “The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
  4. “Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn’t have the time to sit around and talk about you. What’s important to me is not others’ opinions of me, but what’s important to me is my opinion of myself.”
  5. “Don’t be afraid of your fears. They’re not there to scare you. They’re there to let you know that something is worth it.”
  6. “There is no such thing as a “broken family.” Family is family, and is not determined by marriage certificates, divorce papers, and adoption documents. Families are made in the heart. The only time family becomes null is when those ties in the heart are cut. If you cut those ties, those people are not your family. If you make those ties, those people are your family. And if you hate those ties, those people will still be your family because whatever you hate will always be with you.”
  7. “The person in life that you will always be with the most, is yourself. Because even when you are with others, you are still with yourself, too! When you wake up in the morning, you are with yourself, laying in bed at night you are with yourself, walking down the street in the sunlight you are with yourself.What kind of person do you want to walk down the street with? What kind of person do you want to wake up in the morning with? What kind of person do you want to see at the end of the day before you fall asleep? Because that person is yourself, and it’s your responsibility to be that person you want to be with. I know I want to spend my life with a person who knows how to let things go, who’s not full of hate, who’s able to smile and be carefree. So that’s who I have to be.”
  8. “People wait around too long for love. I’m happy with all of my lusts!”
  9. “Ends are not bad things, they just mean that something else is about to begin. And there are many things that don’t really end, anyway, they just begin again in a new way. Ends are not bad and many ends aren’t really an ending; some things are never-ending.”
  10. “The playboy is not necessarily a man who has many girlfriends, or a man who has many women, or a man who has slept with many women. That is old. But there is a new breed of the playboy and he is the man who remains single in attempts to make every woman feel as if he belongs to her, he remains a virgin in order to make every woman feel like she will be the first one, and in the end he may choose a very unattractive woman to adorn his side, so that in all circumstances, he will shine as the more beautiful one. This is the new breed of playboy. And it is a very evil one.”
  11. “Inside every woman, is a crazy girl. And we all know what I’m talking about. That part of you that is entangled with insecurities, fears, and absolute insanity! The art of femininity lies in the molding, pounding, and defeating of that crazy girl on a daily basis! Look at any woman, and you’re looking at a woman fighting a daily battle, wielding her weapons in war, every day! I have said it before and I’ll say it again: it is never easy being a woman! And if we could only pound that crazy, insecure girl out of ourselves, it would make such the difference!”
  12. “The problem about cutting out the best of your heart and giving it to people, is that 1. It hurts to do that; and 2. You never know if they are going to throw it away or not. But then you should still do it. Because any other way is cowardice. At the end of the day, it’s about being brave and we are only haunted by the ghosts that we trap within ourselves; we are not haunted by the ghosts that we let out. We are haunted by the ghosts that we cover and hide. So you let those ghosts out in that best piece of your heart that you give to someone. And if the other person throws it away? Or doesn’t want it to begin with? Someone else will come along one day, cut out from his/her heart that exact same jagged shape that you cut out of your own heart, and make their piece of heart fit into the rest of yours. Wait for that person. And you can fill their missing piece with your soul.”
  13. “It would be perfect if everyone who makes love, is in love, but this is simply an unrealistic expectation. I’d say 75 percent of the population of people who make love, are not in love, this is simply the reality of the human race, and to be idealistic about this is to wait for the stars to aline and Jupiter to change color; for the Heavens to etch your names together in the sky before you make love to someone. But idealism is immaturity, and as a matter of fact, the stars may never aline, Jupiter may never change color, and the Heavens may never ever etch your names together in the sky for you to have the never-ending permission to make endless love to one another. And so the bottom line is, there really is no difference between doing something today, and doing something tomorrow, because today is what you have, and tomorrow may not turn out the way you expect it to. At the end of the day, sex is an animalistic, humanistic, passionate desire.”
  14. “It’s like I get into a roller coaster, and sit there while it goes up and down and upside down and sometimes I get thrown out and I hit my head, but I crawl back in again and the moment I’m back in, it just keeps on going and going again…all of this, so I can find things out and then I write about the things I find out so you can find them out from me. All the bruises, all the wounds, all the bumps on the head, all the scars, just so I can take that and I can write all these things, and sometimes I say “God, I don’t want to be in this roller coaster anymore.” But when I think about it, if I’m not right here, then where the hell would I be? On the sidewalk? I wasn’t born to stand on the sidewalk, I was born to fly around crazy in the sky!”
  15. “There’s that day when you realize that everything that happened before that one person found you, probably happened to prepare you and to prepare everything, for that person’s arrival. It’s not that everything suddenly “makes sense” but it’s more that you understand why this didn’t work and that didn’t work and you fell into this ditch and you broke a certain bone somewhere. It’s so they’d find you. Or so that you’d find them. So you’d find each other.”
  16. “What does it mean if you tried to get somewhere, and you didn’t?” “Like what?” “Like if you were trying to get somewhere, but you couldn’t find it?
    Does that mean something bad?” “No. It doesn’t mean something bad. It just means you have a second chance to do it. And two chances is always
    better than just one.
  17. “The only people for me are the ones who spill things, the ones who drop their cups sometimes, the ones who get dirty hands and messy hair, the ones who can go barefoot if they feel like it, the people who forget things, and can laugh at themselves every day.
  18. “Do everything with your whole heart, or not at all. Don’t put up with lies or with people who lie to you. Don’t risk hurting people just for the fun of it. And lastly, your best foot shouldn’t be put forward; it should be with you at all times— right there beside the other one.”
  19. “I don’t think there are enough words in the world that exist to express exactly just how much I love my son! He’s right there in the front of my soul, he can turn me into an eagle, a lioness, a tigress, a swan! A goof or a queen! There’s no underestimating just how much I love him; I surround him like the ocean surrounds the ships! I never wanted to change the world, until he came along and showed me that he deserves a better world to live in!”
  20. “We doubt in others, what is in fact in ourselves. The skeletons in your own closet are the things that scare you the most about others; people who come from a background of lying are suspicious of lying in others and so on and so forth. The most trusting of people, are not people who have never been betrayed or who have never felt pain; but the most trusting of people are those who in themselves do not find those things worthy of that blame. We see the world through the eyes of the condition of our own souls.”
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Then the week after

This is the first and the last time that I will write about this. I feel nauseated, I feel disgusted and appalled. Last week was the worst and I just cannot express how disgusted I am with what I read, what I saw and what I heard. It was unusual and It would’ve never crossed my mind at all. I feel like I was played on making me believe in magic and fairy tales. It’s all over now and I am back to where I am before. Anyone who would be in my position would think the same and would rebel the same way.

I do not want to expand on it because it’s hard looking back on this someday and remembering every detail of the hurt and pain. What I do know is that, I went back to the start and more! I started to question if this is really it, if I do deserve all those pain. I trembled, I cried my heart out, I even cursed. I felt ugly, I felt dirty and all the respect came bursting out. It was the first time that I felt my heart race like the speed of light, I felt like I was drowning, I literally cannot breathe, I was chasing every air, I felt like dying. The hardest part is that it became a part of me. Nowadays, I get lost in daze, thinking of what ifs and if only.

For the past week, its hard falling asleep at night, unless I’m really tired or haven’t slept for days. I hate staying at home (always wants to go out), I cry at work, in the morning and at night, I twitch at every thought of it, been reading any post par tum blogs and articles just to soothe myself and think that I am not getting crazy but these are all just pregnancy hormones that were stuck inside my body and mind because even assurances won’t suffice. I keep on praying, I’m scared that I’ll break down again and might even lose my mind (hope not!). 😦

Yes, I do have trust issues. I cannot remember when was the last time that I truly trusted him. I wanted to but my mind is full of negativity and I cannot even look at him in the eye. My fault, I know but am I the only one to blame? It was his decision to keep it a secret, if really is nothing then why would some keep it from someone he loves unless he knows that the truth will really hurt? I just cannot understand. The truth or not, it will hurt the same way, I would think the same way so why stow it away from me.(I honestly preferred if it was mentioned to me before i even got to know it through his phone, it was even in secret conversations!) It’s disappointing, we live in the same house, but it seems that everything is taken away from me. I just feel like a friend (just with a child).

I honestly am really tired from all of these and I know he is too.. I do not know when this will end (definitely not anytime soon) but my son is what keeps us going. I love them both so much, if this is my fate, then be it.  Every time I looked at my son, I smile and thank God for giving me a purpose. Thankful that even though I am always feeling low, with doubts and regrets, just one smile from my baby makes me feel at ease, I can do anything, I can be strong, just take it all in because of him.

 

 

 

Yes I know it’s THE V DAY, every couple is always looking forward to this day because it’s the legit day in which they get to be a little sweeter and be thoughtful.

Last night, when I got home, my boyfriend or partner (whatever you call the boy or girl that you are living with and you have a child but not yet married!? haha!) surprised me with a bouquet of flowers and he prepared a nice candle light dinner at our house. Yep I honestly do not have any idea that he would do this. Sweet right?

What’s weird is that I look happy on the outside but undeniably in doubt on the inside. I am always looking back and I am always finding ways to remember the past.. and it sucks. I can’t keep up, I am always back reading. I remember those first few years, the first year that he left me for someone younger, the 2nd year that he broke up with me, the 3rd year that he was thrown again into temptations, the fourth year, the endless break ups and make ups, and up until before I got pregnant. It’s disappointing, because after all these years, after all those great times and his efforts. I keep on remembering the conflicts, tensions, privates messages and the infidelities all those years. I still have regrets, what ifs and should haves. These things restricts me from being thankful of what we currently have. Its a mess because whatever I do, whatever I say, nothings going to changed. He will still do those things that he did because he wants to, because he’s capable and because he feels that it’s right. I just hope that it’ll never happen again but I can never guess.

What if I chose to end what we have even though we now have a child, would this make any difference at all? Will I forget everything that he did? I’ll never know.