Letter for my Tummy (in drafts for months)

Hi Mason,

Something happened today. I just thought this might help you out one day. 🙂

I’m writing a few words about your Father and why you must adore and hopefully should be like him (if not, then at least the closest you can be) some day.

He may not be the richest, smartest and best looking guy (but he is the most handsome out of all the chinky eyed guy I’ve seen) out there. He made a few mistakes and is still learning about life (just like me!) but I want you to know that for the 7 years of Knowing him, setting aside the bad ones (no one’s perfect anyway!) I came to know how kind, responsible and lovable he is in his simple ways. He makes me laugh all the time even at the darkest of midnight (the snoring Birthday party joke will never get old), comforts me through the weirdest and shallowest emotional roller coaster that I may have and most importantly he has a sense of direction in life.

He is a very thoughtful Son and Brother, His closeness to his family is unremarkable. He may not be as religious but his faith and beliefs are intact. We have tons of differences. For relationships, he had a Lot! and when I say A lot, do not use your hands to count! haha! But those relationships helped him and made him who he is right now. I thank all those girls who broke his heart because of them he was able to meet me. Throughout our relationship, A lot of things already happened  but he did not let me go (he does not want to) and he never gave up. We’re not a perfect couple, we had our time offs but at the end of the day, he is always choosing me. Love is a decision and a choice and I guess, it just shows that he loves me that much to keep sticking up with me after all the fights and misunderstandings. I felt like my simple admiration became my best decision ever and I’m glad did.

After all the things I said. You may find it funny on why I suddenly wrote this. You see, today I rode the Train just like the usual, but no one offered their seats today. I was left standing, holding the handle to not loose balance. I have my heavy bag (gift from your dad) on while you were kicking and punching inside my tummy. I wanted to touch you but I can’t because I might fall. My hips started to sore but I kept it all on me. As soon as I got out of the train I started crying, I felt so bad for myself, I was so tired  that I called your dad and once I heard his voice (you see my Mom(your grandma) is my go to person and now he is!) everything felt better and I started to calm down. He consoled me all throughout.

This was just a simple bad day for me but Dad made me feel so appreciated today. I’m not telling you to be like your dad  but be yourself and use him as an inspiration on how you can be that special to someone someday.

Loving you under my Tummy,

Mommy

The subtle Art of Not giving a F*ck

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life by Mark Manson

To truly appreciate something, you must confine yourself to it. There’s a certain level of joy and meaning that you reach in life only when you’ve spent decades investing in a single relationship, a single craft, a single career. And you cannot achieve those decades of investment without rejecting the alternatives.”

“If suffering is inevitable, if our problems in life are unavoidable, then the question we should be asking is not “How do I stop suffering?” but “Why am I suffering—for what purpose?”

“Because when we give too many fucks, when we choose to give a fuck about everything, then we feel as though we are perpetually entitled to feel comfortable and happy at all times, that’s when life fucks us.”

“Our crisis is no longer material; it’s existential, it’s spiritual. We have so much fucking stuff and so many opportunities that we don’t even know what to give a fuck about anymore.”

“Unhealthy love is based on two people trying to escape their problems through their emotions for each other—in other words, they’re using each other as an escape. Healthy love is based on two people acknowledging and addressing their own problems with each other’s support.”

“You and everyone you know are going to be dead soon. And in the short amount of time between here and there, you have a limited amount of fucks to give. Very few, in fact. And if you go around giving a fuck about everything and everyone without conscious thought or choice—well, then you’re going to get fucked.”

“We suffer for the simple reason that suffering is biologically useful. It is nature’s preferred agent for inspiring change. We have evolved to always live with a certain degree of dissatisfaction and insecurity, because it’s the mildly dissatisfied and insecure creature that’s going to do the most work to innovate and survive.”

“We are so materially well off, yet so psychologically tormented in so many low-level and shallow ways. People relinquish all responsibility, demanding that society cater to their feelings and sensibilities. People hold on to arbitrary certainties and try to enforce them on others, often violently, in the name of some made-up righteous cause. People, high on a sense of false superiority, fall into inaction and lethargy for fear of trying something worthwhile and failing at it.”

“Decision-making based on emotional intuition, without the aid of reason to keep it in line, pretty much always sucks. You know who bases their entire lives on their emotions? Three-year-old kids. And dogs. You know what else three-year-olds and dogs do? Shit on the carpet”

“But the problem with entitlement is that it makes people need to feel good about themselves all the time, even at the expense of those around them. And because entitled people always need to feel good about themselves, they end up spending most of their time thinking about themselves. After all, it takes a lot of energy and work to convince yourself that your shit doesn’t stink, especially when you’ve actually been living in a toilet.”

Business of Misery

It keeps on repeating in my mind over and over. Thinking of what had happened, why and how?

It’s all a question, I can’t seem to believe what I heard. It’s hard to trust especially if in the first time, it was said differently. Images are filling my head.

I was thinking of the best way to calm my self. Then I started to be grateful. I felt that I’m lucky that I do not have to settle for that kind of work. That I do not need to earn in the filthiest way. (Insert The Curse of Curves song 🙂 )

I realized how hard I’ve worked to be in this position, how blessed I am to have my parents working for me when I was young that I do not need to be lost, that I was able to complete my studies successfully and even achieving a Professional License. It’s not that easy but I had enough and even the best that anyone can have and it’s something to be thankful for.

Whatever her reason is, I still think that it’s not the best decision to make and she’s a victim of men and money.

“Prostitution demoralizes men far more than women. Prostitution does not degrade the whole female sex, but only the luckless women that become its victims, and even those not to the extent generally assumed. But it degrades the character of the entire male world.”
― Friedrich Engels

I give up

The past few weeks have been tough. I cried, I cursed and I gave up.

I started to question my life, my decisions and my relationships. I realized that I am not the same person anymore. I used to only think about myself. What hurts me, what makes me cry and what makes me happy. But now that I have Mason, I realized that what I say, I do and whatever my decision is, it will all lead to my son’s future life. It’s different now. I now have this little man’s life in my hands and one wrong move will put him in another situation that may o may not benefit him.

I was crying the other night, I said to myself that I am so done and I do not want this kind of life anymore. I wanted to move away, I wanted to end this relationship so bad. But then, I saw him laughing, and it’s true, it’s crushing my heart into pieces just thinking of what might happen to him once I give up. I know love is still there. It’s definitely there and I would like to believe that everything will turn out okay because of Love. It’s like I have this only choice and it’s to take care of my little one and give what is best for him.

Yesterday, I attended a mass and a talk at the Feast. I was invited by my best friends. Not really the 360 kind of revelation but I was given this new hope and dream that just as long as I have this faith and that I don’t dwell on that one piece of my life but rather on all the pieces, then it will be worth it. I started to have dreams again, I shared this with him and I noticed how different we really are (We are so different in so many ways). It’s both good and bad. It’s good, I get to learn new things and get to explore more about his thoughts and ideas but scary at times as we sometimes tend to end up fighting and its a struggle.

After all those fights, misunderstanding and resisting. I give up. I decided to give up. I want to give up on my doubts, my regrets, my worries and anxieties. I  honestly hate him but I realized that I am only hurting myself, my son and our family. I know he had bad decisions in life but that one piece should not be the whole of his life and I do not really have the last say on those things because he only knows the truth and as long as he is a responsible father to my son, I can live with that.

7 months

Sometimes we’ll meet someone who’ll remind us how lucky and blessed we are. It happened to me last week. I rode an UBER taxi going home last week and the driver was telling me his stories when he was working abroad. He told me that he had a great job in Japan with high salary, every holiday he get to send a lot of gifts, material things and money to his family back home but he was left unhappy and unsatisfied because he was alone, he decided to come back to the Philippines and stay here for good because his family is here.

Then I told him that I have a few friends who just gave birth but left their child to continue working abroad. He reminded me that I should not feel any envy or jealousy because they are earning more than me but I should feel proud that I get to spend time with my son everyday and no one can take that from me. Every milestone is worth celebrating and a real stress reliever.

Being a Mom is like an acid test. You get to do and feel things for the first time. It is definitely the most challenging but fulfilling about being a Woman. 7 months have passed and I am ever so thankful that my son is in good condition and health. Last night he started to babble words, I cannot understand them yet but seeing him say the words that he wants to say is a blissful feeling!! I’m not really sure on what to write about but I just want to preserve this emotions and achievement that I have made for the past 7 months with my son.

I look at him sometimes (especially while breastfeeding) and I can’t help but be thankful that I have this little man beside me. That his life is my fortune and the most precious thing at this very moment of my existence.

“No one is ever quite ready; everyone is always caught off guard. Parenthood chooses you. And you open your eyes, look at what you’ve got, say “Oh, my gosh,” and recognize that of all the balls there ever were, this is the one you should not drop. It’s not a question of choice.”
― Marisa de los Santos, Love Walked In