I knew it

I knew it was him. It was a new one.

I tried to stop but he wont. I keep seeing it, his activities, checking nearby places, checking the same forums and spa, time in and outs, online and offline. I knew it was him.

I dont know why he keeps on creating new accounts. By the looks of it, I really do not know if he really has any plans of stopping. But what I do know is when he go back. Its game over.

Im so tired of begging for him to stop. Im so tired of running in circles. Im demotivated to do my part because he is not doing his part.. Having a new account, where he can be lured back to that same game, its exhausting to expect for him to stop.

We are both childish in these ways..him making this new account and here I am snooping around. Clearly shows that we do not have any trust with each other anymore. What happened? How can we continue this relationship? What have we done with this family.

I am so done from all of this. Im so full of hate. I cannot sleep. I cannot focus and I cannot even be the best mom to my son because I am so bothered. This is so helpless cause neither one of us is making the first step. If he is not making any effort in keeping this family happy and contented.. We will all live miserably together. Sooner or later one will have to go.

The room

No one knows what happens in the room.

You talk about anything and everything that goes into your mind. You smile. You hug. You kiss. You touch.

No one sees you inside the four walls. No one can judge you. You are in control. No limits.

You’re a different person, you wander, you trace every outline, you are pleased. You feel liked.

Outside its fast paced. Inside, time is so slow. Moments happen fast. You wish it never ends.

At times you think, “Am I myself out there Or I am myself in this place?

But time is an enemy. Sooner or later, You go back to reality. Back to the life that you have.

Questions are endless but you know the answer.

A mother’s love

 

“Sometimes through a smile it can be a lot of pain, but no matter what, mothers love will keep you strong.”
― Auliq-Ice
For the past days, I have been crying all day and night. I have talked to a lot of persons and they have been giving me different advises. They’ve been really honest in terms of communicating with me their thoughts.
Out of all the people I’ve talked to, I think that my Mother’s confirmation will always be the most important for me. I did not elaborate to her what happened but instead I asked her “Would you still take me back when we (my partner and I) part ways?”. No questions asked, she said “Yes, you should come back to our home, you and my grandson”. I was that close to crying but I resisted the urge because I might bowl my eyes out and He may hear me.
Ever since, I’ve always known that I’m the black sheep. I always do things out of her choices. I remembered she asked me to be a Nurse, I did, I studied hard, passed the board exam but I had a change of heart and now working in an office setting. She accepted it. I promised that I’ll get married when I turned 30 but I broke my promise. I got pregnant at the age of 27. She understood and even loved taking care of my son. And now, I am in another dilemma of separation with my son’s father and she did not say any bad words about him. She just consoled me and approved of  whatever my decision will be. She did not even say any bad mouth about him. She views him as a really responsible man and I don’t want to change that.
I wouldn’t know what I’ll do without her. Without her, I would never have this toughness in facing the possibilities of us living apart from him. I know I’ll never be alone in her arms and I know that she will always be there for my son and I. It pains me that I always put her in a situation in which she cannot do anything. She has always been beside me all through out and I want some one like her for my son someday.
It feels good that whatever happens to me, I know I have someone that I can count on. Someone who wouldn’t judge me in every decision I make. I love her so much that I cannot afford living without her in my life. I know I have made many wrong choices before but my love for her never changed a bit and I know that her love for me is still the same.

If only writing can heal

I can write over and over again and nothing will change. After all the things done and after all the words said.

Why does it hurt this bad? But, what I do know is that I will never know when this pain will stop. I feel so sad everyday, trying to wake up and do the normal things but mostly I catch my self in a trance, staring blankly in an empty state.

I hate him so much. Going to sinful places and acting as though some things never happened. Where is the remorse in that? I know something is up. He’ll not go out of the house in unusual hours and lie that he’ll go to his projects if something in not happening, I have always known and it sucks. He can play the deny-till-you-die game but the truth will eventually come out. But what’s more painful is that I love him more than I hate him. To see him everyday and feel so distant is painful. Everyday I try to understand his thought, the decisions he made and it makes me feel scared. I really feel like I do not know him at all? Am I living with a stranger all along?

I confided with one of my closest friends and I swear she makes the best advice and words to ponder. She is currently married to a foreigner older than her. She told me that his husband made a lot of mistakes before they met each other. All the red flags were there. Women, jail, vices, failed marriages and wrong decisions. If she has met him before, she would have never became her husband and she would never even notice him because he was such a wreck. But now that she’s married to him, she learned a lot of things. Even before she married him, he was very open to her. He did not hide anything and with that She accepted the fact that her husband is not perfect and has made many wrong choices before but he was able to come back up and now he knows his wife’s worth.

From that, everything came into my mind. The day that I met him, we were still college students, I was hesitant at first but I gave in. He’s my first boyfriend. The time that I was about to break up with him because I cannot tell my parents about him, he waited, he showed me how patient he was. I remembered the time that he met another girl, he came very honest and broke it off, I got angry but then he made a decision and chose me over anything. I became strict, he complied but felt something is missing, he then decided to end our relationship, he started going out again. I got devastated but accepted his decisions. A month has passed and he came back rushing to me. Again, he chose me. I was there when he lost his mom, we prayed every night through phone, I heard him cry and pray, I felt needed. I remember I saw a lot flirty messages through social media apps, I got really angry and decided that it was the last straw. I waited because I felt ashamed to leave him while he’s mourning from losing his Mom. I comforted him.

Then the time came that I got pregnant. All the thoughts of leaving him were gone. I cannot leave him. We cannot part ways. We now have a life to nurture and we should do this together. I must admit I had a lot of mood swings but I though everything was okay with him. I constantly ask him if he was okay, if everything is good with us. He’ll always reply with “Im good”. But little did I know that he is not. When I found out all about this, I decided for one thing, I want us out. I want Mason and I to leave. To have our own life away from him. I do not want to live with someone whose mind is somewhere and anyone. He was living another life, a carefree and questionable life. I got really scared. I want us out.

Thinking about this, would I be with this man if I had found out about this before I got pregnant. Definitely not. I would really feel dirty and would want to run away and never to see him again. I would certainly move on from all of this in a snap. It was that easy. But, we are different now, we have a son. Just like My friend and her husband. I would like to accept these things that had happened as part of his dark past. I would like to understand that maybe he is still exploring things on his own, easily giving into temptations. Maybe he is still unsure of what he wants in his life, maybe he is scared of his new responsibilities and maybe he is lonely.

I can write everyday and dwell on this all my life but nothing will ever change. I just hope that if there’s one thing to change, it will be how I look at this life that I have. I hope someday, I do not have to contemplate and blame anyone on why it happened to me, to him or to us.

Choices

“If loneliness was a choice, what was the other option? To settle for second-best and try to be happy with that? And was that fair to the person you settled for?”
― Lisa Kleypas

I keep on asking why it happened. I expected more from him. I thought that he has the best judgment in all things. But in just one instance, in a snap, the image that I have of him was stashed from my mind.

Was it because he felt lonely? Was it because he is demotivated? Is he not happy with me? Did he feel overwhelmed from all the things, my pregnancy, our baby and being a new dad? Am I not enough?

I want to blame him because he had made a really bad choice in life. But what can I do? I do not have any control with his decisions. Even having a son didn’t stop him from doing these things. I honestly felt sad for him, he must have felt really lonely that he resorted to this kind of vice. An addiction. He chose this.

I want him to realized that all of these are just temporary pleasures and in the long run will not do any thing good to him. Wasting Money just for short time satisfactions. All these girls making him feel special and superior in replacement of Money, just a facade that makes him feel wanted. Inside these rooms they make him feel the lustful lewdness of body pleasures that may come and go but outside this rooms, he still feels an outcast because he chose this more than choosing to communicate and work it out with me. Physically he is satisfied but emotionally empty. I hope he’ll wake up from this monstrous dream and become fully aware that if he’ll not stop, if he continue this deed, someday he’ll find himself more neglected and miserable than before.  Sicker than before.

If he’ll justify the good in this and patronize such acts. I have no choice but to take my son and protect him from this kind of life. Away from immorality and indisposition. I will do anything for him to grow up away from the dishonestly and obscenity of these things. Life is so short and dwelling in these kinds of things will not bring any contentment in oneself. I woke up one day and saw him. I looked at him and thought “Is he the one?”, “Is this the guy that I met 8 years ago?”, “Is this the smart cute guy I saw in the field?”, “The one who taught me how to love and explore the good things in life?”, “Is this the person that gave me my son?” “What happened to us?”

When you get married, you have to stick with each other, you take a vow and say : “to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.” We are not married but I would like to do all of this for him, with him because we are partners. I still feel the spark. I cry just thinking that we’ll be apart. I just want him to trust me in this that we’ll be able to work this out. He needs my help and I am willing to exhaust all I know, all my efforts just for him to work this out on himself. I made my mistakes but I am willing to change for him. We are not getting any younger and time is all wasted fighting, spending it to profanity and other people that he may not know 5, 10 years from now when the time comes that he needs aid.

I wish he will choose the right decision. I hope he’ll live the reality of life and embrace that this is his family now. This is what he is trying to build. He cannot be the one to drag us down. I pray and hope that he’ll make the best decision for this family because I am not losing hope for him. He made a lot of bad decisions before, he came back ten times higher and this time I want him to do it again for us. This is not an option anymore. He has to make a choice. A choice that he’ll not regret forever.

Swept under the rug

I keep on writing. I cannot stop. All these feelings are overwhelming. I am so occupied with thoughts and question. I cannot contain it.

Swept under the rug. Simple as that. I wish I can just do that in a snap. But I can’t and I do not know when I’ll be able to forgive all of these because definitely I wont be able to forget this. I’m here at work but my mind is somewhere along those streets and rooms and all those different girls (I know their faces, and it sucks) that I hope I wont ever think and remember again someday. I keep catching my breath every.time.

All I ever wanted was a happy and contented family. I wanted my son to have  someone to look up to. I was expecting for someone who can lead this family and push us in the right path but it seems that the person that I am relying is the one who’s in the wrong way.

I do not know how to accept all of this. I can live here in the house and let him continue his double life or I can help him be the Man that he should be. This is definitely NOT what I would expect from him to do. He is acting as though nothing happened but I know. I know all of it. It pains me to know that all those intimate things that I should be doing is being done by another person and it saddens me to know that he needs to pay for it when he can get it from me without any hesitations.

I keep on reading the how to’s, ifs and whys of this kind of cheating. I want to understand that this is not all my fault because I know it isn’t (maybe just a part of it) but looking at him whenever he tells me why he did it. I can see the frustrations, doubts and sorrow that he is feeling. He is alone and I wish I can be with him from all of those distress that he is feeling. He wouldn’t give in to temptations if he is satisfied with his life.

I kept on asking does he feel any guilt and remorse after all of these things. They say: People make mistakes, they learn from it and move on with life carrying every piece of this experience and hopefully can help them to have a better judgment in making any decisions someday. I am honestly scared that this may happen again. If that happens, I swear it will be the end. I don’t want our family to be dragged into immorality. I do not want my son to know any of this that he may end up hating him. I would rather protect him than be judged by our son someday.

I’m laying it all on him. I truly pray he’ll changed for the better. I keep on asking, I keep on finding assurances but nothing will ever matter if I’ll keep on questioning him. It is only him who can address this issue that he had started.

Man enough

If im going to be married someday. I want to be married to a Man and not a boy. 

A man is someone who’s in control of his life but will always put his family first. He is someone who’s strong and has a great sense of responsibility in terms of his actions. He knows the consequences and he is always ready for it. He can live up to anyones expectations. He values his relationship to his family. He knows his limitations as a father and as a husband. He can resist any temptations because he knows that he is more than that. He is firm but not stubborn. He knows what to do when push comes to shove. He does not blame anybody for his decisions and actions. He knows when to stop and he knows when its enough. He is someone you can trust with your life and your family. He will break but he will back up again. He is the one. 

I truly envy some of my friends who gets married even for knowing someone for a very short time. I hope they marry a man and not a boy. I no longer expect to be married but marrying a Man will definitely on my bucket list. Im still in my 20s, I can still find one! wink! Well not everyone is a Man yet, it takes time, too many falls and mistakes before someone can be a Man. You’ll know a Man when you meet one. It requires perserverance and courage. It is a boy’s choice to be a Man and once he has decided, he will finally understand the difference. 🙂

Painful truth

Some say that the truth hurts. Yes the truth hurts especially if someone keeps on denying it. But, after all is said and done, once the truth is laid down, you will not feel anything anymore (after all the crying and dwelling) You’ll go numb and questions will start filling you mind and I got really scared.

I tried to listen, but reasons are made up with words and the real reason is somewhere between those lines and his mind. Sometimes reasons are made to protect one’s self. He blamed me for everything. That’s when I realized that people will try to put the fault to anyone for their own actions and that’s what strucked me the most. Do I get all the credit for these wrong acts? Do I really need to take the blame for his decisions? Yes I hope so, so that when I tried to change, he’ll changed too. Simple as that.
I am proud of him, i always boast him to my colleagues and friends. I tell then that aside from his work he has another project (which i found out that he really is not going to work but goes to those places, funny that I even encourage him to go to his project weekly). He is sweet even though im always hot tempered. He cooks for me, give gifts, says sweet words out of the blue and takes care of our baby even while working. He is a real father figure, everyday, I feel thankful that he is there to take care of my baby. But, after all this, its devastating to know that he is another person behind my back. Someone who goes with a handle name and a story to tell. A total stranger. Sick.

All those time and money he invested in such places, could have been invested in enhancing his skills and knowledge, he can even have new friends with same passion by attending seminars And trainings. If you really want to be successful, no ifs and buts, you make a way to have it. And we could have been more proud than ever. I really thought he is smarter than this. He tells me he wants us to get married in the church, he keeps on telling me that he will save money But his money is being exhausted to his unusual vice and by that, so far, I do not see any wedding To happen any time soon.

For the past few days, all those crying, screaming and flying rockers and toys. I realized that he is very weak. Not only in terms of his urges and sexual desires but He is still weak in handling his own emotions and decisions. I loved him and its disappointing to see him wreck this family with those kinds of decisions. As what his dad said, the father is the one who carries the family, if  he goes to those kinds of places this means that he is also dragging us to immorality. I feel sad for our son! (It sucks!)

My mentor told me that she learned that you have to have 3 mentors in your life. First is your mentor in your career. This person will help you to shape what you really want in terms of your career and future goals. He’ll open you to the different options that you can have and enhance your passion and skills. Another is your life Mentor, someone you confide in all you life and personal concerns, someone you look up to and would encourage you to take the best decisions in your life and lastly your Rock. If all else fails, your rock will be there to pick up the pieces and help you stand up and grow to be the best person that you can be. I want to be his rock. I would like to be his rock but he is finding for a different rock somewhere along those places.

Looking back on the past few days, I am very tired already, Im sure he is too. We are both tired. Our love is slowly dying and our family is at risk. I would like to help him get back on track but if he keeps on changing his directions, I guess that’s the time to move on and find my own Rock, no more ifs and buts. 

Living on the brink

I hope it was that easy.

I was scrolling facebook and found an article about cheating husbands. Nope, it was not about the usual cheating of a man being truly in love with another woman aside from his wife. But a man that longs for attention and finds it in some women who offers sexual encounters in exchange of cash and when confronted he’ll play the “deny till you die” game maybe because of pride and shame.

I feel real bad, something more of a rope wrapped around my neck, yes that bad. Red flags are not red flags anymore because I know for sure, his reasons are different everytime. Short tempered, over reacting to things, losing patience and unusual walks, grab history and text messages. I know something is not right with him and I know that its not my fault. All these are just part of his sick frustrations, sexual desires, seeking for attention and longings for the thrill.

I honestly felt sorry for him, I wish I could help him. I just hope he’ll realized that all these girls are just a facade and a waste of time and money. By availing He’s even encouraging these women to continue working in a so called “business”that is more of an animal business. Flesh and bone. All these Money that could have been saved for the future and time that could have been spent with me and my son.

Our family is on the edge. Nothing can stop this fall except him And no one can help him but himself. I tried to protect him but time will come and all of these efforts will be gone to waste if he’ll continue with these short time pleasures. I hope he’ll realize it sooner because someday everything that he is trying to build will come crashing down before his very eyes and I sure hope he’s prepared.

Another world

For years, 8 years to be exact, I now know Ive been living in lies. I dont even know if he really loves me. He tells me one thing and the next day its another thing. 

He pretended to be drunk, he almost got me to believe but it was all a part of a scheme to lure me back, to think that everything he says is the truth. I felt anger, betrayal and disappointed. I loved him but all I have left in my heart are questions, doubts and regrets. 

I feel like I do not know this person anymore. He is more of a stranger to me now and it hurts to think that all these years will go to waste because of his decisions. He doesnt even want to talk about it, whenever i bring it up he bursts into madness and blames everything to my emotions and anxieties. All the red flags are there. Account, messages and unusual appointments.

I do not know how to pick up the pieces. Should I stay? Or go? If we go, what will happen to my baby? Will I make it on my own? Im really scared, I do not want him to have a broken family. He is still so young. If I stay, will I make it with my sanity tucked? Or I live with depression all my life because of the lies and deceits that Im experiencing. Im really at an all time low. I want to give up but my son is affecting my decisions. ;(

Lord please help me.