I can write over and over again and nothing will change. After all the things done and after all the words said.
Why does it hurt this bad? But, what I do know is that I will never know when this pain will stop. I feel so sad everyday, trying to wake up and do the normal things but mostly I catch my self in a trance, staring blankly in an empty state.
I hate him so much. Going to sinful places and acting as though some things never happened. Where is the remorse in that? I know something is up. He’ll not go out of the house in unusual hours and lie that he’ll go to his projects if something in not happening, I have always known and it sucks. He can play the deny-till-you-die game but the truth will eventually come out. But what’s more painful is that I love him more than I hate him. To see him everyday and feel so distant is painful. Everyday I try to understand his thought, the decisions he made and it makes me feel scared. I really feel like I do not know him at all? Am I living with a stranger all along?
I confided with one of my closest friends and I swear she makes the best advice and words to ponder. She is currently married to a foreigner older than her. She told me that his husband made a lot of mistakes before they met each other. All the red flags were there. Women, jail, vices, failed marriages and wrong decisions. If she has met him before, she would have never became her husband and she would never even notice him because he was such a wreck. But now that she’s married to him, she learned a lot of things. Even before she married him, he was very open to her. He did not hide anything and with that She accepted the fact that her husband is not perfect and has made many wrong choices before but he was able to come back up and now he knows his wife’s worth.
From that, everything came into my mind. The day that I met him, we were still college students, I was hesitant at first but I gave in. He’s my first boyfriend. The time that I was about to break up with him because I cannot tell my parents about him, he waited, he showed me how patient he was. I remembered the time that he met another girl, he came very honest and broke it off, I got angry but then he made a decision and chose me over anything. I became strict, he complied but felt something is missing, he then decided to end our relationship, he started going out again. I got devastated but accepted his decisions. A month has passed and he came back rushing to me. Again, he chose me. I was there when he lost his mom, we prayed every night through phone, I heard him cry and pray, I felt needed. I remember I saw a lot flirty messages through social media apps, I got really angry and decided that it was the last straw. I waited because I felt ashamed to leave him while he’s mourning from losing his Mom. I comforted him.
Then the time came that I got pregnant. All the thoughts of leaving him were gone. I cannot leave him. We cannot part ways. We now have a life to nurture and we should do this together. I must admit I had a lot of mood swings but I though everything was okay with him. I constantly ask him if he was okay, if everything is good with us. He’ll always reply with “Im good”. But little did I know that he is not. When I found out all about this, I decided for one thing, I want us out. I want Mason and I to leave. To have our own life away from him. I do not want to live with someone whose mind is somewhere and anyone. He was living another life, a carefree and questionable life. I got really scared. I want us out.
Thinking about this, would I be with this man if I had found out about this before I got pregnant. Definitely not. I would really feel dirty and would want to run away and never to see him again. I would certainly move on from all of this in a snap. It was that easy. But, we are different now, we have a son. Just like My friend and her husband. I would like to accept these things that had happened as part of his dark past. I would like to understand that maybe he is still exploring things on his own, easily giving into temptations. Maybe he is still unsure of what he wants in his life, maybe he is scared of his new responsibilities and maybe he is lonely.
I can write everyday and dwell on this all my life but nothing will ever change. I just hope that if there’s one thing to change, it will be how I look at this life that I have. I hope someday, I do not have to contemplate and blame anyone on why it happened to me, to him or to us.