“Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
For the past few days, All I feel is so much hate. Hate for him, hate for what he did and hate for this relationship.
I hated him for not thinking about me when he decided to go there. I hated him for not thinking about our Son and continued to go to that place. I hated him for not taking responsibilities for what he did. I hated him for for not having balls and standing up for his mistake, blaming everything on me, when in the first place he did it all by himself without thinking about his family. I hated him for being weak at temptations. I hated him for all the lies that he has said. I hated him for wasting money in all of these lies. I hated him for cheating. I hated him for hurting me physically. I hated him for letting this all pass and acting like nothing happened. I hated him because I cannot sleep at night, I hated him because I now have anxiety and panic attacks. I hated him for not fixing things before I give birth to our son. I hated him so much!!
All of this hate is making me exhausted. Overthinking things makes me focus less on my son. I am not my self anymore, I am not being a mother to him. My heart is so full of hatred that I tend to block all the good things and not concentrate on the things that makes me happy and contented. For all this, it’s true that I can only control my decision, my emotions and my life as a whole. It’s also true that he made a really bad decision to go to vulgar places and meeting, flirting with girls who works to make you feel good. It sure pains me that this happened but I am not the one who decided to go there I do think that its not all my fault. What makes me really angry is the fact that we have a child and not even having a child made him stop going to all these places. This mistake will be a massive one if he’ll not stop NOW and I hate to say “I told you”.
But then again, from all this hate, I feel like I’m slowly dying. One by one, every thought, it makes me feel weak and i do not like this feeling. I keep on contemplating, then that’s when it hit me, I have decided that I want to turn all this hate into Love. I’ve come to think of the good things. The best things that happened to me because of him. The sacrifices that he made for me and now for us. His efforts, for giving us a home, for taking care of my needs all throughout my pregnancy. His time and patience for taking care of my son when I’m not around. He is a good provider, all of my son’s needs are met. He makes me laugh, he cooks for me and he holds me when I needed comfort the most. I’ve always looked at him as someone who is confident, strong and responsible. He always have new things to share and teach me, for 8 years, everything that I know now is because of him. I’ve never met someone who likes Super Sentai Series that he even taught our son the song and dance instead of nursery rhymes. His mind full of ideas. His sense of humor and romantic antics. I loved how he kisses me out of nowhere. He accepted me for all my flaws. He is passionate. He loves me. I hope he realizes how much I appreciate him.
After all is said and done, after all the lies have been revealed (and even though there are still some that are left unanswered) and after all the physical and emotional pain received. Nothing will ever change now. This is now a part of me, us. I know I have not been that caring to him, even in simple ways I was not able to be the best partner. But, I do not want to dwell all my life in this mistake. I want have a refresh. All these things that happened was really disappointing, an eye opener but it’s not too late to stop. I’ll do my part to make this work and if nothing has changed in him then that’s when I’ll go. I want to save what we still have, not just for my son’s sake but for our happiness. Nothing is more satisfying than a contented and happy family. I’ll do it step by step, slowly until all at once.
“to love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you’ve held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, your throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs; when grief weights you like your own flesh only more of it, an obesity of grief, you think, How can a body withstand this? Then you hold life like a face between your palms, a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say, yes, I will take you I will love you, again.”
― Ellen Bass