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The love, the morning light

When you finally fade from those nights you spend
Doing God only knows with your new friends.
When you decide to come back you always can. Oh.
Our lives are separate roads We’ve picked our separate ways
But this love I’ve found reminds me every day
That I still believe in you
I still have faith.

I have faith that you’ll find your way.
And realize your mistakes. Cause I can’t handle another night alone.

Randomly listening to my playlist when this song came up. Nostalgic.

Memories keeps on flashing and I can’t help but smile. I kept on thinking and looking at our pictures before he started going to those kinds of places. Although I had doubts, I was happy during those times, the lies are blocking my thoughts.

I can’t help but there are still times that I just don’t know where and how to start. My mind still wanders and sometimes, I keep on having all these negative thoughts. Everything comes back running through my mind, everything, from the conversations, messages and the faces of those girls, all of it were racing back and forth and It feels like I have no control. I kept on crying again, I cried in the office comfort room half an hour last time after chatting with my sister because every time that it comes up. I feel helpless.

I kept on praying to guide me and help bring back any trust for him. I am honestly doing my best everyday to make everything as normal as possible. I tried to focus on the things that are important, inside and outside the house. I kept on reading, I kept on finding ways that could help me move on from all of these thoughts. I honestly want to break down because its hard. It’s so hard to keep up. There would be times that I look at him and wonder when will I be able to fully trust him again. Will there ever be a chance again? How long will I feel the doubts and regrets? I know he is trying his very best to make me at ease.

There’s still to much that can happen and time. But Right now, All I feel is fear. 😦

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Going 29

Almost 3 days to go and I am turning 29 years old…..

Yep! 1 more year and I’ll be in my thirties. It’s weird that I am growing old by age but I honestly feel like I’m still around 25 years old and hopefully still looks young as 25 years old! hehe!

Anyway, it’s only been a month since I have found out something that caused a massive conflict in my relationship/family. Even I don’t  know how I found the strength to make it and was able to handle my emotions and my decisions. I almost gave up.

Looking back, I think that I’m better now, not fully healed but I’m getting there. I just need to not think about it (although, there are still times that I tend to linger on a few details that runs through my mind, especially when I see anything that connects to it) Anyway, It’s my first birthday spending it with my son/family and I want it to be as intimate as possible. I can go all day just cuddling him and making him laugh. I am so thankful that even though I felt like I have experienced something really heartbreaking, I was able to find refuge in the sight of my son and by the help of my Mother and friends. I felt relieved and I felt important.

For the coming years, I only wish one thing and it’s to be able to survive all the hurdle that I or we might encounter in the coming days. For the past few days, Ive realized so much as a mother and a partner.  I’ve have become someone whom I never thought I will be or I will do. Situations can really change someone and sometimes its the least thing you will do but you did. I realized my worth and how important I am for my son and that all my decisions will now be because of him. I learned that you can never control anyone’s actions but you can always always control your reaction to it. I’ve learned to be more patient, understanding and careful in every thing that I say or do (I hope so?hehe)

Right now, I am looking forward for more diaper changes! (kidding!) my priority is to make everything work out. To be able to balance my family and work life. To be able to provide my family with everything that I can and to make then happy and proud. Only the best things for them.

 

 

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I was fire

Looking back. It still hurts. I am constantly thinking on why I ended up in this place. in his side.

“I will never understand why you held me, If you were afraid of Warmth, you should have known I was fire.” – Rupi Kaur, Milk and Honey

I saw this quote and only one thing came into my mind and it was “why?”. For the past days and fights that we had. He kept on saying that I never did change. That for 8 years I treated him badly in so many ways. That everything that happened was because of me. All of these and I still do not understand why.

If all of these things are a product of my own actions, then why did he kept me for so long? Why did he not asked for us to end all of this when we still had the chance, when no one is still at stake? Why did he kept on leading this relationship for all the years. I do not see why he stayed when it clearly shows that he is unhappy?

I will never understand. I will never understand why I have to suffer this hard. The emotional sadness is more than the physical pain that I felt.

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Talking to a stranger

For the past days, I keep on thinking, desperately looking for ways to fix this. I was bouncing back and forth. I will feel empathetic one day and bursting with anger and hate the next day. I felt like I have nowhere else to go.

It happened with just one click. I was browsing the internet looking for someone to talk to. I thought that maybe, counseling can provide other options for me to make this work..or maybe not? I saw one (although, it seems that it is a bit expensive) I closed my eyes and got my appointment in a flash.

I went with my best friends. To have such support system is really helpful and I am ever so thankful that I have them. Looking at them, I know I chose the right ones. I came late and apologized for the inconvenience. I was from South and  the place was at the north side, can’t imagine how anxious I was during the travel. Anyway,  Fast forward I was inside the room.

The room was a bit old, nothing special, even the seats were not that comforting. My Counselor has a Chinese looking background. He seems to be around 40 years old. I do not know how to start but he lead the way. He ask for my profile, especially for my Family background. Then the question “Why are you here?” came. I looked at him, and I starting telling the details of what happened to me. Everything just came through my mouth, I did not even hesitate in providing all the information to him.

He asked a few questions, and with every question, my eyes were pouring continuously.  I keep on crying along with every answer that I say. He said that all he can see right now is Compassion and with my initiative to go there, it seems that I am stuck with two options: Trying to fix this on my own or to Let go and leave.

He pointed out few things that he is worried about:

Threats: Threats for me and my son. Physical advances  and even throwing or punching of things are already risks.

Safety: This is in terms of health issues, He mentioned that it seems that there’s also a risk for me and my son to develop any viral infection from such acts of my partner.

My Well being: My overall welfare that I may not handle the situation well and may lead to a chronic illness that can also affect my son.

Whilst all of these things are correct. I am honestly still devastated by what happened and I really do not know where and when to start. I wake up each day saying that it will be okay, the everything will be fine but the next minute or so, I’ll feel on the verge of giving up.

I felt somewhat relieved that I was able to talk to someone without any judgement. I thought that I was okay because I am not crying anymore when I’m at home but then I realized that I’m still not.

I can talk to anyone all day but still feel empty. I know that time will heal everything but while I’m feeling this, I can sense that my son is also having a hard time. It hurts me so much everyday to talk to this person who used to be my partner. Everytime I look at him, I try to trace all the previous years that we’re together. He is not the same person that I knew.

After all of this, I’m still hanging. Still unsure and unhappy.

 

 

 

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Acceptance

“Learn this from me. Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.”
Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven

For the past few days, All I feel is so much hate. Hate for him, hate for what he did and hate for this relationship.

I hated him for not thinking about me when he decided to go there. I hated him for not thinking about our Son and continued to go to that place. I hated him for not taking responsibilities for what he did. I hated him for for not having balls and standing up for his mistake, blaming everything on me, when in the first place he did it all by himself without thinking about his family. I hated him for being weak at temptations. I hated him for all the lies that he has said. I hated him for wasting money in all of these lies. I hated him for cheating. I hated him for hurting me physically. I hated him for letting this all pass and acting like nothing happened. I hated him because I cannot sleep at night, I hated him because  I now have anxiety and panic attacks. I hated him for not fixing things before I give birth to our son. I hated him so much!!

All of this hate is making me exhausted. Overthinking things makes me focus less on my son. I am not my self anymore, I am not being a mother to him. My heart is so full of hatred that I tend to block all the good things and not concentrate on the things that makes me happy and contented. For all this, it’s true that I can only control my decision, my emotions and my life as a whole. It’s also true that he made a really bad decision to go to vulgar places and meeting, flirting with girls who works to make you feel good. It sure pains me that this happened but I am not the one who decided to go there I do think that its not all my fault. What makes me really angry is the fact that we have a child and not even having a child made him stop going to all these places. This mistake will be a massive one if he’ll not stop NOW and I hate to say “I told you”.

But then again, from all this hate, I feel like I’m slowly dying. One by one, every thought, it makes me feel weak and i do not like this feeling. I keep on contemplating, then that’s when it hit me, I have decided that I want to turn all this hate  into Love. I’ve come to think of the good things. The best things that happened to me because of him. The sacrifices that he made for me and now for us. His efforts, for giving us a home, for taking care of my needs all throughout my pregnancy. His time and patience for taking care of my son when I’m not around. He is a good provider, all of my son’s needs are met. He makes me laugh, he cooks for me and he holds me when I needed comfort the most. I’ve always looked at him as someone who is confident, strong and responsible. He always have new things to share and teach me, for 8 years, everything that I know now is because of him. I’ve never met someone who likes Super Sentai Series that he even taught our son the song and dance instead of nursery rhymes. His mind full of ideas. His sense of humor and romantic antics. I loved how he kisses me out of nowhere. He accepted me for all my flaws. He is passionate. He loves me. I hope he realizes how much I appreciate him.

After all is said and done, after all the lies have been revealed (and even though there are still some that are left unanswered) and after all the physical and emotional pain received. Nothing will ever change now. This is now a part of me, us. I know I have not been that caring to him, even in simple ways I was not able to be the best partner. But, I do not want to dwell all my life in this mistake. I want have a refresh. All these things that happened was really disappointing, an eye opener but it’s not too late to stop. I’ll do my part to make this work and if nothing has changed in him then that’s when I’ll go. I want to save what we still have, not just for my son’s sake but for our happiness. Nothing is more satisfying than a contented and happy family. I’ll do it step by step, slowly until all at once.

“to love life, to love it even when you have no stomach for it and everything you’ve held dear crumbles like burnt paper in your hands, your throat filled with the silt of it. When grief sits with you, its tropical heat thickening the air, heavy as water more fit for gills than lungs; when grief weights you like your own flesh only more of it, an obesity of grief, you think, How can a body withstand this? Then you hold life like a face between your palms, a plain face, no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say, yes, I will take you I will love you, again.”
― Ellen Bass

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Mason’s 1st summer

Did not expect that Mason’s 1st summer escapade will be full of tension. Well since we already had a reservation, we still continued with the plan and went to the Greenery in Bulacan.

Aside from all those fights from the bus to dinner time up until we go home. My only consolation is that, Atleast I was able to capture not only in pictures but I was also able to see the curious Mason at the pool. He was looking at the kids and even trying to splash some water while babbling words. 

He seems anxious but excited at the same time. I can tell that he likes the water so much!! Am I looking at a future olympic swimmer? Hehe! 

Pictures will remain even though the person in it may change. So as much as possible I want to take and capture as many pictures because we can only have this moment.

Im sure Mason will LOL at his pictures someday when he sees how grumpy he was when still a baby.

He was really cranky and grumpy all throughout the vacation, sometimes I feel like he can feel our emotions but everytime that he’s in the water he just explores.

I love you so very much baby! I promise to have many summers with you for all my lifetime, because I cannot imagine my life spending summer with anyone else but you!! 😍😍😍

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My SONshine 

My dream come true.

Lately he’s being a bit cranky and so all over the place. He keeps on crying, he cannot sleep for long hours. He cries very loud and he keeps on following me everywhere I go.

Sometimes, I feel like its too much. All these emotions that I am having and then add one stubborn baby. Everything is too much. I feel so tired but as they say, being a mother means, you are never tired. 

I have prayed for this day, to have someone to really call mine. Without any doubts and questions. To have someone who will love me purely without any judgment and will be with me until I can no longer walk and even talk. Its even funny that whenever I look at him, I can see myself stronger and wiser. 

Nowadays, I get so anxious, I cannot sleep, I cannot think well and I couldnt do things right. I am not being the best mom to him. I feel guilt and regret, It makes me think that, maybe I can do this, I just need to focus on him and forget about everything. 

Come to think of it, everything is different now, all my decisions depends on him. All my choices will be based on him. I feel vulnerable, Ive never felt this way before until he came. Every cry, every sob and every scream, I get really worried and frustrated so easily. All my actions will bounced back to him. 

Whatever happens, I know he’ll understand it someday. I only want the best for him, I will never let him be part of anything obscene and even if my career is at stake, I am willing to sacrifice everything just for him, my life changer. 

Someday, I hope you’ll find this and say that I made the right decision. I love you my Machon.