Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

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Yes. I did that. I became part of that site. A prostitution ring. And God,  I wish I didnt know.

During the time when I felt that something is not right,  I used the internet to check on him and one site blew my mind. I contemplated for days,  weeks and even months before I decided to create an account just to see and check up on his activities.

The time that I got in,  validated my account, I explored and maneuvered the forums,  rooms and discussions. It was a disastrous site,  it was where all these girls sell their self,  profoundly showing their skin, with the lustful look and inviting captions. Calling every boy (not man because no real man should be doing or going to these places) a Gentlemaniac. “This is addiction”

All these guys,  posting field reports on how they have tried every girl and sometimes even going into detail of what happened inside these rooms. And all these girls, I know they have their reasons but..It was awful, they will tell you their rates in every position that they will do. I shivered just thinking that he did all of these. I just cannot swallow what I found out that day. It was crippling knowing that my partner,  someone who I believed to be different have tried and wasted his time and money with all these girls just to feel pleasured, the attention, to be in control and superior.

Out of desperation, I even sent messages to these girls (on that site and through my cellphone) asking them one by one every detail that they do. I am somehow finding it hard to accept the fact that all these has been done by him. Different bodies,  different faces, week after week. I was literally on my knees crying while reading all the responses that I got. They hugged,  kissed and God knows the other things. Intimate details that he should only be doing with me.

I will never understand why he chose that path and why he patronized such adulterous acts. And I will never forget what I saw,  what I read and all their faces. It still hurts. Everyday I remember the 5 years that he’s been lying to me. Everytime I wake up,  I pray that I’ll get past all of these. I know it will not be easy but I will get there someday.


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What Causes Sexual Addiction?

Why some people, and not others, develop an addiction to sex is poorly understood. Possibly some biochemical abnormality or other brain changes increase risk. The fact that antidepressants and other psychotropic medications have proven effective in treating some people with sex addiction suggests that this might be the case.

Studies indicate that food, abused drugs and sexual interests share a common pathway within our brains’ survival and reward systems. This pathway leads into the area of the brain responsible for our higher thinking, rational thought and judgment.

The brain tells the sex addict that having illicit sex is good the same way it tells others that food is good when they are hungry. These brain changes translate into a sex addict’s preoccupation with sex and exclusion of other interests, compulsive sexual behavior despite negative consequences and failed attempts to limit or terminate sexual behavior.

This biochemical model helps explain why competent, intelligent, goal-directed people can be so easily sidetracked by drugs and sex. The idea that, on a daily basis, a successful mother or father, doctor or businessperson can drop everything to think about sex, scheme about sex, identify sexual opportunities and take advantage of them seems unbelievable. How can this be?

The addicted brain fools the body by producing intense biochemical rewards for this self-destructive behavior.

People addicted to sex get a sense of euphoria from it that seems to go beyond that reported by most people. The sexual experience is not about intimacy. Addicts use sexual activity to seek pleasure, avoid unpleasant feelings or respond to outside stressors, such as work difficulties or interpersonal problems. This is not unlike how an alcoholic uses alcohol. In both instances, any reward gained from the experience soon gives way to guilt, remorse and promises to change.

Research also has found that sex addicts often come from dysfunctional families and are more likely than non-sex addicts to have been abused. One study found that 82 percent of sex addicts reported being sexually abused as children. Sex addicts often describe their parents as rigid, distant and uncaring. These families, including the addicts themselves, are more likely to be substance abusers. One study found that 80 percent of recovering sex addicts report some type of addiction in their families of origin.

Family · Journey · Life · Love · Motherhood · prayers · Relationships · Uncategorized

Praying for him

Last weekend, I found out something again about his doings. I found out that he has been doing it around 2013 years before I even became pregnant and while we are still together. I was clearly devastated and felt like another pin is being inserted in my throat. I came to the conclusion that he is an “addict”, a maniac. I found out that he never really got out of the circle instead he keeps on creating new accounts, changing username after usernames. I have read that “their inability at healthy attachments and healthy emotional intimacy leads to living a life of secrecy” and that the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the person experiences as unbearable. His actions were not a reflection of my lack, but they were a reflection of his.

I realized that I can no longer do anything about it. It is already in front of me all these time but I was blinded. I swear should I have known it before, I could have been on a much better place today. Away from doubts, regrets and fear. The only thing I am thankful right now is having my son. It’s hard because nowadays, whenever we fight, the things he would say made me feel like my heart was being ripped out. He was speaking lies. Time after time he attacked me, and I would just take it.

I kept on thinking, I kept on analyzing things and the more I think about it. The more I grew empathy for him. I truly feel that he has lots of past and current issues in terms of him self, how he handles his stress or how he reacts to trauma and unusual events. Him waving his sexual indiscretions in front of his family were minor compared to what he must have felt on the inside. Yes he does a lot of things inside the house and he ensures that all our needs are met but it does not give him the right to do such promiscuous acts. Because of all these I cannot help but be scared and feel fear for the safety of our family especially in the status of our health. We are now exposed to different diseases that is connected to it.

Talking to one of my married friends really helped a lot. I started to see things on a different perspective and that is my own viewpoint. I realized that I can no longer help someone who does not want to be helped same as I cannot change someone who does not want to change, as everything will have to start within himself. With this, I started to focus more on myself and my son. Yes, I am still with him, I act as natural as I can and I try not to talk about it anymore, I still do what I needed to do as a partner and as part of the family but the core is about myself and how I can improve myself more.

I have come to a thought that I needed to be busy. I need to do things that will make me enhance my skills, learn new knowledge that I can use someday to earn more and be more relevant. This will also help me not check on him too much both online and personal and what I currently do whenever he goes out or whenever I feel that something is not right is that I pray. I pray for my doubts, insecurities, fears and his weaknesses. Although I prioritized more on myself, I on the other side reached out to God and clung on to Him and prayed for my partner.

I am not the steadfast type of religious person ( “religious” jargon) but every now and then I go to Church and I do pray whenever I have the time. When I was a child, I used to keep a prayer inside my pillow’s case so that I won’t forget to pray especially when I am too tired to do so. I am aware that I am one of those persons who make it a habit to pray whenever I do have any challenges because somehow it makes me feel that I have someone who listens and someone who can grant my wishes and hopes. And now that I am faced with a new set of difficulties I am reaching out again and praying for him.

Although we are not married, I believe this still applies of you really are in a committed relationship and has children, I found the below prayer might be useful:

Heavenly Father,
You are my amazing God. I praise your consistency. You are great all the time. Thank you for the strength You have given me to endure the trauma of learning that my husband is a _____.
Only You know his heart Lord, and I pray that You will speak to his heart. Humble him like he first was in recovery. Open his eyes, Father God, so that he can see You and desire to be Christ like.
Please teach him how to build trust and to love like Jesus, Lord. Your love is perfect and I strive for a love like that in our marriage.
Bring into the light any residual fears, lies, and shame from his addiction so that he can face them and grow into the spiritual leader You want him to be.
Please guide me in my actions as I respond to him. Keep me accountable and true to Your word God.
In Jesus name, I ask You to cast out the enemy’s desire to ruin our family and to ruin each of our lives as individuals in Christ. Satan is not welcome here!
Hebrews 13:4-7
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.
Amen

PRAYER LINK

 

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Dealing with uncertainty

I mentioned in my last post that I will start to focus on my own actions and my emotions in terms of conflicts and misunderstandings. But, I keep on wondering, what if I managed to do that but the other side of the relationship is still struggling and weak.

I have read that if you are involved with a weak man, you will always end up sharing him. I can continuously confront all the girls online but he will  be back on the game the next day. I realized that I’ve been experiencing this all this time, all the red flags but I was heavily blinded. I do not have any control on his actions and I cannot always see what he is doing when he is left alone.

I am scared that I’ll be tired of competing with other women. I’m scared that my love won’t even be enough to save him from being someone who is not right. I have read that Wandering eye, pornography, texting females, chatting online with (female) strangers, spends so much time or obsession with social networking sites, secret email password, takes his phone with him everywhere, cheating, lying, the list goes on.
Other signs: irritability even if you did not do anything wrong, abusive behaviour, physical violence, etc. all shows someone who is sexually addicted or psychotic and it’s a threat, to me and my son. I’m scared that I may end up someone who I am not  and I am scared that my son might see all of these and cannot even do anything to help.

I have made a promise that I’ll start it within  me, I’ll continue my job to love him as his partner but when the last straw is out. I will definitely find another man strong enough not to make all these girls my competition in the first place.

 

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Connecting..

It has been days since I came back. We’ll as I can see it, everything seems to be back to normal. I am trying to focus on Mason’s upcoming birthday, buying things and being creative with all the DIYs. After this, I need to find new things to keep me busy and not think about the past, maybe I can try to learn how to sew or bake.

Anyway, since we came back, communication has been really limited to the things to do for our Son’s 1st birthday to what to eat for lunch, dinner and my son’s overall mood. Whenever I try to ask questions other than our baby, it seems that I do not really believe him anymore. I had this feeling that everything is a lie. Its hard because I know that he is trying but I just cant give my full trust to him. Sometimes, I know the real answer, I ask him the question and see if he will tell the truth and most of the time he is lying.

Nowadays he is occupied with computer games and even games on his cellphone. He keeps on playing even when we are talking, eating or even just watching TV. I don’t know if this is his way to refrain from chatting and opening the sites or going to those places. But, technically communication is rough and minimal.

I honestly do not know when or how we’ll patch things up. But as I have mentioned before, I’ll definitely start with my self both physically and emotionally.

Family · Journey · Life · Love · Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

Here at it again

I came back.

I honestly have no idea what will happen days from now or even years but I’m trying to keep my hopes up that things will turn out as what is the best for every one.

I admit, my mind can go cray cray at times but I can never be blamed for anything that happened to him. As I have always mentioned, he chose to go there and whatever he is doing inside, I will never know and I do not intend to know anymore. My mind is at peace that somehow he admitted that he really does go there.

Though, I am still plagued with questions and doubts, I have no choice but to keep it all inside and not talk about anymore. I always tell myself that if ever it happens again, I will not react the same way that I confronted him. I know it will be really hard but I will try my best to set aside my emotions and focus more on my actions. Sometimes, I wonder what goes in his mind, can he really stop or he is finding ways to continue such acts. Well anyway, I have to stop thinking about it and start working on myself first.

I am not perfect. We are not the same. We are totally two different persons but we have the same choice, and it is to make this family work. I hope that whatever happens, we will always have this same objective and it is to keep this family no matter what. I am choosing to stay not because it is convenient, not because of my son but because I have decided that I will not play the blame game anymore. I have come to the realization that I am in charge  of my life in general and how I address the issues that I may encounter. I can only fully live happier once I focused on what matters and what is for the best.

“One of the biggest favors that you can do for yourself is to accept your loved ones for who they are, and not be constantly disappointed because they are not who you think they should be.”
Jennifer O’Neill

Recently, I am trying to accept him as an individual first and not as a father or a husband. For the past years, months and days, I have set my expectations on him. I have been critical on myself and to him. I have always wanted more from him but thinking about it now, I realized that not everything that I want will go as planned and I can not really control his actions and even his thoughts and decisions. We all know that everyone has something good about them. What you can do is to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that.

For the coming days, I only have high hopes for myself in terms of how I will respond to future difficulties may it be about him, my son or our family as a whole. I need to let go of certainty but be open and willing. I need to  condition my mind and body so that happiness is totally within the way I will perceive things and handle rough patches in life.

 

 

 

 

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On my way

It has been two days that i ve been riding uber pool and grab going home. Weird that the way that they keep following is along burgos st in Makati and I keep on seeing one of the Spa Place in which he used (or still) visiting for ‘massages’.

I really dont know how to feel but everytime I see it,  I saw how it wrecked our family. I have high hopes for us but ever since I found out about it I lost all my hopes and dreams. I feel like it fell down before it was even been built. 

I wish that someday when I see or stumble upon this place again, I will not feel anything,  not a single emotion and pain of the past.