Before all of these things, before the lies and the secrets, whenever I think about the future, I have this picture of a happy, contented and complete family. I was really looking forward to giving my baby a sister or a brother. I was happy and I feel blessed.
But when it all came out, things change and so did I. Marriage is definitely out of talks. I do not see him marrying me anytime soon or maybe marriage may never happen. I started to accept the fact that I do not want to be tied up with someone who cannot be man and mature enough to take my hand in marriage. I begun to see the future with only me and my baby. I am looking at giving up my career and start a homebased job in which I can financially support and look at my son everyday. I started finding new ways to improve myself, my skills and how to increase my savings so that I’ll be ready for his education and my future with my baby.
It’s disappointing to realize that I will never be married and I will never have the family that I wish to have ever again. Everything is tainted. We’re not even at the middle yet but things are already complicated.
I found everything out last April and honestly it’s only been months since the secrets were out.
Come May, I thought everything will be alright when we talked with his Dad. He promised that he will not open his accounts, talk to anyone from there or even go there.
Then June, I found out that he has another new accounts for both sites. He changed his username and he still opens them and even comments on the threads. He even contacted a Home service Massage that offers the extras. I clearly got devastated, turned into a massive fight and I decided to pack our things and leave.
But days before Mason’s birthday I decided to come back. To make his birthday complete. Although, I always have doubts, I made a decision to not check those sites if he still opens them. I also stopped checking out his Phone for any unusual messages or numbers.
I must admit choosing to stop checking up on him and his actions made everything a lot easier for me to adjust and accept what happened. We still discuss and sometimes fight about it every now and then but not the same way like before.
However, whenever he goes out with friends, I always demand him to update me or send some pictures because things starts to cloud my mind whenever he is away. I keep on thinking that maybe he will go there and do those promiscuous things.
At the back of my mind, I am still in pain and I am scared that sooner or later he will do these things again or even worst. My struggle lately is that I keep having bad dreams about him going into those places and asking some girls to jack him off in front of me, then I will ran crying and cursing.
I cannot sleep for long and I cannot even sleep at night. These dreams wakes me up constantly and it feels so real it’s scary. I wonder when will these things end. I feel so tired.
I know he met a lot of girls for all those years that he went to those places. Different girls, different personalities and different attitudes.
There’s one girl that stuck in my mind. She was one of those girls that he keeps on messaging, asking how she was and has a communication with her.
During one of those few days that I found his secret out, I sent this girl a message telling her all stupid shits so she won’t communicate with him in anyway. Not my usual self. But I guess, they remained their communication although I know that it is plainly about friendship since she has her boyfriend too.
There’s this one day that I saw her sent him a message just asking about something. He said that he will not reply to anyone from there anymore. But, something kept bothering me so since I know her Facebook so I sent her out a message (Yep, I know such a dumb act but I just felt like messaging her) firstly, telling that I apologize for saying foolish words to her previously. I also pointed out to stop communicating with him in any possible way that I do not care about her line of job but just stop inviting him or encouraging him to patronize such acts.
She responded a few hours after and she mentioned that she will do as I say. She informed me that I do not have to worry because she longer works there as her boyfriend (whom she met at work) asked her to stop in that kind of job. She continuously said sorry to me for everything that she did and that my partner knows her limitations in that kind of job and she did not mean anything. She assured me that she knows that he loves us very much and will do anything for our family, she is sure that he will not go back to that place or doings again.
I responded to her that whatever it is that she did or they did together is not her fault because it is her job while it is his choice to do all of those things because of his urges. I am clearly disappointed with what he did and it is a long journey to trust him again. I also congratulate her for not working there anymore. The conversation ended with me saying God bless to her and her family.
I do not know but I felt a sudden emotion of being blessed. I do not know why she ended up with that kind of work but I somehow felt that I am lucky to have not experience those things.
She is just one of those girls who he met there. I know I should have not sent her a message but I initially just wanted to say sorry to her for all the bull that I said. I realized that these girls are not to blame because they are just doing what the line of job requires.
As for my partner, yes, it is still a very long way before I can finally say that I have moved on. Everyday I am trying my best and every night I pray that all these emotions will disappear maybe in the right time.
I was reading a female forum and I found one forum about “Why Men pay for sex?”.
I do agree that Men have a high level of testosterone and Sex is definitely the last thing on their mind. They may not show it but they do think about it every second, every minute with every girl that they see. No one can control anyone’s hormones and mind. I do not believe that there is a sexless marriage or relationship. Well, they may be few but most men would find a way to fulfill their sexual urges even if it doing it with other girls and not the one they love. Just to get off and release the urge. It’s very accessible nowadays, you get online, like online shopping really. Look for girls that you like, hit them up with a message and viola! you are all set!
I have read in https://www.theguardian.com/ that as per survey most men who pay for sex feel guilt and shame. Thought they are unsatisfied, they still continue with their deed. And some say that they feel empowered when they were able to have sex with someone attractive or so. But mostly these act feeds his sexual desires and freedom. No love just pure sexual pleasure.
But on the other hand, we go down to the person’s Morals and Values. It’s true, Men like sex. Period. However, I do believe that the choice will always be based on his morals and values. On how he was brought up and how he sees such circumstances. If he is weak then he can be tempted easily and would succumb to such doings. On our norms, it is still prostitution, illegal and a socially unacceptable behavior. It’s every where, lucky if you found yourself a man with high morals and values that has the right choice and decisions in such cases.
Recently I get through my days with half smiles. I look at my son and feel overwhelmed with love but when I look at him, I have all these questions clouding in my mind. I feel helpless. I guess, I´m just not sending out the right vibe lately.
I feel like I was mislead. From 2008 up to the present, I felt like I was deceived to think that I was special but in reality, in his eyes I was just like everyone else, like all these other girls that he met. He met someone younger and broke up with me, I accepted but he came back, he flirted with other girls and I did not see through it and then the last one was the worst, paying some girls to get the attention and the pleasure. I tried my best. I know I was not the perfect girlfriend. I get jealous easily. My temper is short and I hate a lot of things but did I really deserve to be cheated on, to be betrayed and lied on?
I knew a lot of things that I did not say. I tried to understand all those things that he did before.. all those girls that he flirted with. I accepted all his reasons and believed him. I sit there and tolerate all of it because I was in love. He was my first love and I was that hopeless romantic to believe that he can be monogamous but even though I tried to think how possible it is, turns out he cannot. This is him. This is how he is made up.
When I found out everything, especially the last one. I realized that it’s true, all facades fall sometime, then the mask comes off and the real heart is seen. He did exactly what he chose to do. Why did I not see that? I’ve been deceived. I was used.
All these signs was laid flat out in front of me but I was turning my direction back to him. Is this really where I am going? Am I destined to be with someone who wants more than I can give? Am I not enough?
Honestly, I am crawling back and forth, I’m trying to please him everyday but I can sense that I am really tired. I don’t even know if I still love him or I am just scared that I may lose the family that I am building.