Recently I get through my days with half smiles. I look at my son and feel overwhelmed with love but when I look at him, I have all these questions clouding in my mind. I feel helpless. I guess, I´m just not sending out the right vibe lately.
I feel like I was mislead. From 2008 up to the present, I felt like I was deceived to think that I was special but in reality, in his eyes I was just like everyone else, like all these other girls that he met. He met someone younger and broke up with me, I accepted but he came back, he flirted with other girls and I did not see through it and then the last one was the worst, paying some girls to get the attention and the pleasure. I tried my best. I know I was not the perfect girlfriend. I get jealous easily. My temper is short and I hate a lot of things but did I really deserve to be cheated on, to be betrayed and lied on?
I knew a lot of things that I did not say. I tried to understand all those things that he did before.. all those girls that he flirted with. I accepted all his reasons and believed him. I sit there and tolerate all of it because I was in love. He was my first love and I was that hopeless romantic to believe that he can be monogamous but even though I tried to think how possible it is, turns out he cannot. This is him. This is how he is made up.
When I found out everything, especially the last one. I realized that it’s true, all facades fall sometime, then the mask comes off and the real heart is seen. He did exactly what he chose to do. Why did I not see that? I’ve been deceived. I was used.
All these signs was laid flat out in front of me but I was turning my direction back to him. Is this really where I am going? Am I destined to be with someone who wants more than I can give? Am I not enough?
Honestly, I am crawling back and forth, I’m trying to please him everyday but I can sense that I am really tired. I don’t even know if I still love him or I am just scared that I may lose the family that I am building.