One day, when I was feeling as if I would prefer to simply slip over to the other side and not exist any longer, the thought struck me: I was being released of an enormous burden.
I do not want to be released of the burden. I had not even had full conscious knowledge that I was struggling with the burden – infidelity and all of the emotional abuse launched on me to keep me side-tracked, minimized, devalued, etc., so that my husband could “rationalize” and excuse his secret world of sexual fantasy and conquer –
I did not want to be released of the burden – I wanted my marriage, my home, my story about my life.
With t his sense that I was being relieved of a burden, I realized that my husband was not ever going to get well. A magical, radical transformation was not going to happen. Not ever. Regardless of what I do or do not do.
I thought that my marriage was reasonably good and that my family had successfully managed some difficult times. The truth: my husband’s long-term intimate sexual betrayal was a rotten, cancerous secret at the core of my marriage, the core of my home, the core of my family. AND when it is secretive, everyone becomes increasingly destabilized, unsure, fragmented, because something is obviously wrong, but there is no way to determine WHAT is wrong– and the betrayer just continues to play each member of the family, duping, deceiving. manipulating, willing to damage everyone rather than reveal his “entitled” secretive world.
But relieved. I wanted everything FIXED. I did not want to be relieved of it – FIXED!
I realized, suddenly, that it will never be fixed, and that somehow the truth being exposed has now given me and my family the opportunity to see the truth, as painful as it is, and to heal, to reclaim our lives, and to now have the chance for much more healthy lives.
NOT WHAT WE WANTED. But, WHAT IF, I thought, WHAT IF we never knew? WHAT IF this just continued, we never knew, we never learned that at the core of the family, we were being abused.
It is indeed so covert, so insidious, one could easily spend one’s entire life being abused and damaged by such deceit and manipulation and never come to reality. THAT would be a soul-killing loss.’