Family · Love · Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

What happened to Love?

It pains me to know that there are a lot of women or wives who have experience being cheated on by their partners.

What’s more sad is when actually see it with their own eyes. Well, not really on the act of doing it but seeing it online through chats, site or even text messages. It is like a documented version of all those cheating escapades and texts or words can really cut deep more than the physical aspect.

I have been reading a lot about other girls and their experiences. Almost each case is the same. They get married and then somewhere along the way they find out the shenanigans and discover the unusual and immoral personalities of the person whom they believed to have loved them as much as they love them.

Sometimes I wonder how strong is the urge compared to the significance of keeping the family and love that you built and have dreamed of, was it that easy to decide?

 

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Family · Journey · Love · Motherhood · Rants · Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

my present future

Before all of these things, before the lies and the secrets, whenever I think about the future, I have this picture of a happy, contented and complete family. I was really looking forward to giving my baby a sister or a brother. I was happy and I feel blessed.

But when it all came out, things change and so did I. Marriage is definitely out of talks. I do not see him marrying me anytime soon or maybe marriage may never happen. I started to accept the fact that I do not want to be tied up with someone who cannot be man and mature enough to take my hand in marriage. I begun to see the future with only me and my baby. I am looking at giving up my career and start a homebased job in which I can financially support and look at my son everyday. I started finding new ways to improve myself, my skills and how to increase my savings so that I’ll be ready for his education and my future with my baby.

It’s disappointing to realize that I will never be married and I will never have the family that I wish to have ever again. Everything is tainted. We’re not even at the middle yet but things are already complicated.

 

Family · Rants · Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

TattleTale

deception-is-one-of-the-quickest-ways-to-gain-little-things-and-lose-big-things-quote-1.jpg

Recently I get through my days with half smiles. I look at my son and feel overwhelmed with love but when I look at him, I have all these questions clouding in my mind. I feel helpless. I guess, I´m just not sending out the right vibe lately.

I feel like I was mislead. From 2008 up to the present, I felt like I was deceived to think that I was special but in reality, in his eyes I was just like everyone else, like all these other girls that he met. He met someone younger and broke up with me, I accepted but he came back, he flirted with other girls and I did not see through it and then the last one was the worst, paying some girls to get the attention and the pleasure. I tried my best. I know I was not the perfect girlfriend. I get jealous easily. My temper is short and I hate a lot of things but did I really deserve to be cheated on, to be betrayed and lied on?

I knew a lot of things that I did not say. I tried to understand all those things that he did before.. all those girls that he flirted with. I accepted all his reasons and believed him. I sit there and tolerate all of it because I was in love. He was my first love and I was that hopeless romantic to believe that he can be monogamous but even though I tried to think how possible it is, turns out he cannot. This is him. This is how he is made up.

When I found out everything, especially the last one. I realized that it’s true, all facades fall sometime, then the mask comes off and the real heart is seen. He did exactly what he chose to do. Why did I not see that? I’ve been deceived. I was used.

All these signs was laid flat out in front of me but I was turning my direction back to him. Is this really where I am going? Am I destined to be with someone who wants more than I can give? Am I not enough?

Honestly, I am crawling back and forth, I’m trying to please him everyday but I can sense that I am really tired. I don’t even know if I still love him or I am just scared that I may lose the family that I am building.

 

 

 

Family · Journey · Life · Love · Motherhood · prayers · Relationships · Uncategorized

Praying for him

Last weekend, I found out something again about his doings. I found out that he has been doing it around 2013 years before I even became pregnant and while we are still together. I was clearly devastated and felt like another pin is being inserted in my throat. I came to the conclusion that he is an “addict”, a maniac. I found out that he never really got out of the circle instead he keeps on creating new accounts, changing username after usernames. I have read that “their inability at healthy attachments and healthy emotional intimacy leads to living a life of secrecy” and that the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the person experiences as unbearable. His actions were not a reflection of my lack, but they were a reflection of his.

I realized that I can no longer do anything about it. It is already in front of me all these time but I was blinded. I swear should I have known it before, I could have been on a much better place today. Away from doubts, regrets and fear. The only thing I am thankful right now is having my son. It’s hard because nowadays, whenever we fight, the things he would say made me feel like my heart was being ripped out. He was speaking lies. Time after time he attacked me, and I would just take it.

I kept on thinking, I kept on analyzing things and the more I think about it. The more I grew empathy for him. I truly feel that he has lots of past and current issues in terms of him self, how he handles his stress or how he reacts to trauma and unusual events. Him waving his sexual indiscretions in front of his family were minor compared to what he must have felt on the inside. Yes he does a lot of things inside the house and he ensures that all our needs are met but it does not give him the right to do such promiscuous acts. Because of all these I cannot help but be scared and feel fear for the safety of our family especially in the status of our health. We are now exposed to different diseases that is connected to it.

Talking to one of my married friends really helped a lot. I started to see things on a different perspective and that is my own viewpoint. I realized that I can no longer help someone who does not want to be helped same as I cannot change someone who does not want to change, as everything will have to start within himself. With this, I started to focus more on myself and my son. Yes, I am still with him, I act as natural as I can and I try not to talk about it anymore, I still do what I needed to do as a partner and as part of the family but the core is about myself and how I can improve myself more.

I have come to a thought that I needed to be busy. I need to do things that will make me enhance my skills, learn new knowledge that I can use someday to earn more and be more relevant. This will also help me not check on him too much both online and personal and what I currently do whenever he goes out or whenever I feel that something is not right is that I pray. I pray for my doubts, insecurities, fears and his weaknesses. Although I prioritized more on myself, I on the other side reached out to God and clung on to Him and prayed for my partner.

I am not the steadfast type of religious person ( “religious” jargon) but every now and then I go to Church and I do pray whenever I have the time. When I was a child, I used to keep a prayer inside my pillow’s case so that I won’t forget to pray especially when I am too tired to do so. I am aware that I am one of those persons who make it a habit to pray whenever I do have any challenges because somehow it makes me feel that I have someone who listens and someone who can grant my wishes and hopes. And now that I am faced with a new set of difficulties I am reaching out again and praying for him.

Although we are not married, I believe this still applies of you really are in a committed relationship and has children, I found the below prayer might be useful:

Heavenly Father,
You are my amazing God. I praise your consistency. You are great all the time. Thank you for the strength You have given me to endure the trauma of learning that my husband is a _____.
Only You know his heart Lord, and I pray that You will speak to his heart. Humble him like he first was in recovery. Open his eyes, Father God, so that he can see You and desire to be Christ like.
Please teach him how to build trust and to love like Jesus, Lord. Your love is perfect and I strive for a love like that in our marriage.
Bring into the light any residual fears, lies, and shame from his addiction so that he can face them and grow into the spiritual leader You want him to be.
Please guide me in my actions as I respond to him. Keep me accountable and true to Your word God.
In Jesus name, I ask You to cast out the enemy’s desire to ruin our family and to ruin each of our lives as individuals in Christ. Satan is not welcome here!
Hebrews 13:4-7
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.
Amen

PRAYER LINK

 

Family · Journey · Life · Love · Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

Here at it again

I came back.

I honestly have no idea what will happen days from now or even years but I’m trying to keep my hopes up that things will turn out as what is the best for every one.

I admit, my mind can go cray cray at times but I can never be blamed for anything that happened to him. As I have always mentioned, he chose to go there and whatever he is doing inside, I will never know and I do not intend to know anymore. My mind is at peace that somehow he admitted that he really does go there.

Though, I am still plagued with questions and doubts, I have no choice but to keep it all inside and not talk about anymore. I always tell myself that if ever it happens again, I will not react the same way that I confronted him. I know it will be really hard but I will try my best to set aside my emotions and focus more on my actions. Sometimes, I wonder what goes in his mind, can he really stop or he is finding ways to continue such acts. Well anyway, I have to stop thinking about it and start working on myself first.

I am not perfect. We are not the same. We are totally two different persons but we have the same choice, and it is to make this family work. I hope that whatever happens, we will always have this same objective and it is to keep this family no matter what. I am choosing to stay not because it is convenient, not because of my son but because I have decided that I will not play the blame game anymore. I have come to the realization that I am in charge  of my life in general and how I address the issues that I may encounter. I can only fully live happier once I focused on what matters and what is for the best.

“One of the biggest favors that you can do for yourself is to accept your loved ones for who they are, and not be constantly disappointed because they are not who you think they should be.”
Jennifer O’Neill

Recently, I am trying to accept him as an individual first and not as a father or a husband. For the past years, months and days, I have set my expectations on him. I have been critical on myself and to him. I have always wanted more from him but thinking about it now, I realized that not everything that I want will go as planned and I can not really control his actions and even his thoughts and decisions. We all know that everyone has something good about them. What you can do is to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that.

For the coming days, I only have high hopes for myself in terms of how I will respond to future difficulties may it be about him, my son or our family as a whole. I need to let go of certainty but be open and willing. I need to  condition my mind and body so that happiness is totally within the way I will perceive things and handle rough patches in life.

 

 

 

 

Family · Life · Love · Thoughts · Uncategorized

There’s way to happiness

After writing my last post, I cried. Yep! I cried big time! But then, I thought, why the hell would I let go of my happiness? I have my son and he is my Life! I am happy with my son beside me. I go home everyday to see him laugh and crack at my simple peek-a-boo! And as simple as that, he is definitely my bliss!

I decided to list down the things that make me happy, I’ll definitely look at this whenever I feel sad and try as much as possible to do these things everyday (insert hashtag feeling positive!)

  • Spending time, cuddling, kissing and making my son giggle 🙂
  • Thrift Store Shopping
  • Eating Pizza! (Papa John’s, chicken bacon ranch or yellowcab)
  • Chat time with my Girlfriends/Bffs
  • Watching sunset at the Beach
  • Vacations
  • Staycations
  • Watching movies with subtitles! hehe
  • Reading inspirational Books
  • Sewing, altering clothes
  • Tucking in bed and sleeping while raining outside
  • A good Hair day
  • long hot showers
  • Finding cute Little trinkets
  • Trying a new recipe and the result taste is good!!
  • Freshly painted manicure
  • Listening to good ol’ RNB songs (90 to 00s!)
  • Taking Good Photos or selfies!
  • Helping people
  • Setting a goal and achieving it
  • Receiving Compliments (or giving! hehe)
  • Catching up on reading my favorite blogs
  • Instagram stalking my favorite bloggers
  • New or clean sheets (I’ll buy another one next month!)
  • Making Surprises
  • Attending Birthday Parties
  • Seeing cute Puppies (and my Milo!)
  • Buying new toys or an item for my son
  • Losing weight (working on it! haha)
  • Misty photographs that make me yearn for a place I”m not sure I’ll ever get to be
  • The date of my birthday
  • The date of my Son’s birthday
  • Catching the clock at 11:11 and using that minute to create magic via wishes
  • When the hanged after laundry clothes are dry
  • Having Original Ideas
  • Making someone Laugh with my corny Jokes
  • Falling asleep with my son beside me.
  • Writing a feel good post on my blog
  • New things!
  • Online Shopping
  • Receiving my parcel and opening the box
  • Being so full, i get sleepy
  • Tasting something incredibly delicious for the first time
  • Finding money you had forgotten about
  • Payday!
  • Drinking the first sip of your favorite beverage
  • Listening to a catchy tune
  • Meeting someone who really cares about you
  • Someone calling who you were just thinking about
  • Eating at a nice restaurant
  • Free food!
  • Wearing a pretty dress or clothes that fits me well
  • Trees and Leaves (Green for days!)
  • Really, really good conversations (without one interrupting another, pure give and take communications)
  • Cards, notepaper, stationary, letters.
  • My list of favorite quotes
  • That feeling when you take off your bra after wearing it for many hours
  • Getting unexpected calls, SMS & emails that makes me feel special to someone.

There’s a lot of things to be happy about, it just shows that Happiness is really a choice. It is true that you can create happiness from even the tiniest and smallest things in life. Can you share yours? 🙂

 

Journey · Motherhood · Uncategorized

Working breastfeeding Mom

Ever since I became part of the Breastfeeding Pinays group in Facebook (Thank you to my friend who added me 🙂 ), I became aware of a lot of things in terms of nursing, taking care my child and most especially the significance of breastfeeding my son. Although I do not 100% breastfeed my son anymore, I still make sure to religiously breast pump and bring home a bottle of breast milk. For the past 6 months, breastfeeding has really helped a lot especially in our finances and the good health it brings to my son. Hence, my partner and I would really want to continue breast feeding and breast pumping.

When I came back to work, I used to go to the clinic to pump but I realized that it’s a bit uncomfortable since we do not have a lactation room so I need to breast pump in the patient’s room. I feel worried at times because any moment some one might use the patient’s room and will see me breast pump. With this, I settled to breast pump in my work station (my previous work station has a lot of space and I can really pump without anyone knowing). This routine continued until the last day of our stay in the Building. Come December the Company decided to move to a new location. New location means new work station and our new desk style is not same as before thus, I needed to breast pump again in the clinic. from 3 times a day, my breast pumping schedule was reduced to once a day. The clinic has the same area with the old one but now they have two patient’s area but still no chair, provided with only the bed and a table and I was okay with it.

I do not usually discuss my concerns on this but one event made me reach out to our Admin. A screenshot of my email below

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I was really disappointed that day that I decided to send an email and express the inconvenienced that the process has caused me.

I am so glad that I sent this email (maybe just a bit late) because just today, I was able to use the new lactation room in our office. I am also very thankful that they were able to take action on my concern swiftly. I reverted an email appreciating their efforts on this. I am happy that with this small act, I was able to contribute to a much bigger value to support all other new and soon to be moms of our company to breastfeed and breast pump 🙂