Nightmares

I found everything out last April and honestly it’s only been months since the secrets were out.

Come May, I thought everything will be alright when we talked with his Dad. He promised that he will not open his accounts, talk to anyone from there or even go there.

Then June, I found out that he has another new accounts for both sites. He changed his username and he still opens them and even comments on the threads. He even contacted a Home service Massage that offers the extras. I clearly got devastated, turned into a massive fight and I decided to pack our things and leave.

But days before Mason’s birthday I decided to come back. To make his birthday complete. Although, I always have doubts, I made a decision to not check those sites if he still opens them. I also stopped checking out his Phone for any unusual messages or numbers.

I must admit choosing to stop checking up on him and his actions made everything a lot easier for me to adjust and accept what happened. We still discuss and sometimes fight about it every now and then but not the same way like before.

However, whenever he goes out with friends, I always demand him to update me or send some pictures because things starts to cloud my mind whenever he is away. I keep on thinking that maybe he will go there and do those promiscuous things.

At the back of my mind, I am still in pain and I am scared that sooner or later he will do these things again or even worst. My struggle lately is that I keep having bad dreams about him going into those places and asking some girls to jack him off in front of me, then I will ran crying and cursing.

I cannot sleep for long and I cannot even sleep at night. These dreams wakes me up constantly and it feels so real it’s scary. I wonder when will these things end. I feel so tired.

 

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Bump update

Went on my check up yesterday but I was not able to see my Primary OB (forgot to ask her assistant to where she went.heh). Anyway, her reliever was there to cover up her patients. Bryan came in late so too bad for him he didn’t hear our Little one’s heartbeat, which is currently around 150bpm. Also, my fundal height now is around 22cm? not sure on this one, I just heard she murmur the numbers. hahaha!

Another thing is that I have gained some weight already! From my last check up, I was around 111 lbs but now I am at 115 lbs. I’m getting quite worried that I have put up almost 4 lbs for 4 weeks? I was reading some articles but it shows that in 27-28 weeks of pregnancy, I should have gained around 17 lbs already. So looking at my pre pregnant weight which is around 103 lbs. I have already gained 12 lbs already? A little less? but this means I need to slow down or else, I’ll look like a whale and may not push through my NSD plan if I continue to eat like a pig (but… I swear it feels so good to eat when you’re pregnant!!). Also, I told the OB that I was feeling some kind of menstrual cramps this past few days, but no bleeding or spotting. She prescribed Utrogestran a Progesterone suppository to relieve the cramps and prevent any possibility of preterm labor (just read this on Google). But as per her explanation, it will support the cervix and yes to avoid any cramps, I have to take it for 5 days only. She also prescribed Caltrate Plus so that I’ll have my daily dose of Calcium. (So, imagine how difficult it is to swallow all those prescriptions, taking note that most are huge tablets and softgels). So Far, I am taking, Natalbes, Hemarate, Probiotics and Caltrate.

Aside from the cramps that I felt, I currently have no worries as I was able to hear my baby’s heartbeat yesterday. So glad that he is fine. I cannot wait for my 3D/4D ultrasound next week!!

and then the Unexpected..

They say that everything happens for a reason, something important, for a purpose. The first time, seeing those signs, I cried. I felt disappointed with myself. I felt helpless. This past two weeks have been really tough, emotionally and physically. I’m not sure of what I should feel, It feels like im in an Acid test again. Part of me feels excited, a part of me feels nervous and confused. Whenever I feel these signs, I feel alone.

This new responsiblity is growing in me and I could not help but be scared.

Chronic and relapsing

I mentioned in my previous post that I have been recently diagnosed with Seborrheic Dermatitis it has affected my forehead, sides of nose, around the eyes and eyelids.

I started to notice them December 2014, I was just thinking that these were normal allergic reactions to anything that im hypersensitive about. It may be food or dust or even the weather (as you know december until february were really cold here) But, by January, I started noticing that the rashes were getting worse! I went to a dermatologist and he identified the skin condition as seborrheic dermatitis, you know the medical term of the layman’s term dandruff but only im experiencing it on my face around my eyes and eyelids. He advised me to use Bioderma products which were so expensive! He even noted that I can only buy those products to him. Being a bit helpless and sick during those days, I bought the product and used it but the next day after using it, Ive noticed my eyes, specifically my left eye started swelling. Oh dear, I just cant contain how I was feeling that day!  

 

As seen in my photo (apology for the pic but I really would like to show what happened to my skin and eyes), I looked like a tired mushroom intensified with redness and rashes, they were itchy at times but tolerable. What really bothered me was the need to go to work looking like this! My eye glasses helped for a time but still the feeling of heavy eyes makes me want to go home and be locked in my room. 

I started reading online on ways on how to manage this skin condition,though I still kept using the products given by my derma, i told my self to give them a try for a week. Reading comments and experiences online makes me feel vulnerable and hopeless. I tried everything indicated  from following a certain diet like eating fruits and vegatables only to changing my skin care routine (i switched to all organic and natural products) but still the swelling didnt go Away. I felt sick for those weeks, I kept on ranting about it to my Mom, to bryan and even my friends. Finally after a few weeks, I decided to have another check up with our Family doctor, he advised that i needed to use a topical steroids because the inflammation has been too long already and it may get infected. I only used it for two weeks since using any kinds of steroids for a long time can cause bad side effects especially that im using it around my eyes. 

I felt so relieved when i can finally see that my eyes and skin are turning into normal again. I still do not know of what really caused my seborrheic dermatitis, but Im really feeling so much better now. My doctor said that on the first onset there is no assurance that it will not comeback, it is a chronic and reocurring skin condition but can be controlled following a skin care regimen that helps the skin calm. 

 

this is my current pic, so seborrheic dermatitis is at bay (for a month now) and My face looks normal again.  

Im not a skin care guru but I will share my skin care routine in my next posts to keep my sb controlled. Most of the products i now use are organic and safe to use. 

Backtrack and Back on track

Looking back on my blog, my last post was around June 2014, which is 6 months ago. So, what did I do for the past 6 months? Nothing but work.

I’ve been so busy with work that I have lesser time opening my laptop and checking/writing my blog.

However, I was still able to squeezed in some personal and social time with my friends and family. A lot of good things happened to me this year, and I feel so blessed that everything is going my way and to what I have hoped for.

The highlight of my 2014, was definitely the day that Bryan met my parents, this was Dec 26, 2014. Yes, I decided to acquaint them during Christmas season, so that everyone is still in festive mode. hehe! After 6 long years of our relationship, I finally had the strength and faith to introduce him to my family and everything went really well. I was really afraid of my Mom, but it looks like she’s excited for me and that she approves of Bryan.

Most of the delightful experiences that I had this year was of course, with Bryan. We had our first ever Fun Run Together, and he’s a competitive one, almost ended up us fighting but we just laughed it all off.  Our Valentines date and Anniversary Celebration were beyond any doubt on my treasure box. I surely enjoyed our Baler escapade with my friends last May. This was our first time to go out of town together with my friends. It was really distinguished, well except for some little fights that we had but certainly fun! Lots of laughs indeed!

Undeniably, there were a lot of Catch up and meetups with my friends, I am so busy with work but Im thankful that my friends also had time to see and talk with me despite the busy and hectic schedule.

I was also able to start my Online shop with my Friend, (this was one of my goals last year and Im so happy I was able to do it) and it did pretty well. We had some misunderstandings but we were able to patch things out and continue with the shop. It went well for 5 months, but then we have to stop because she’s still a student and she needs to finish all her requirements, as she will be graduating this year. It had a good run, but we will plainly pursue it once everything is in place and we’re able to manage our time and schedules as soon as possible.

My new favorite person right now is my one and only niece, Oli. She’s super cute, stubborn and a terrible toddler but I love her to bits. Every month, I bring her and my Mom to eat out and catch up. I was also able to bring her to our Yearly Halloween party! She’s such a Cutie!

Well. aside from the happy things, there were also some unfortunate events that happened to me.. Mostly about my health. I’ve experienced major Acid reflux issues and a lot of stomache this year. Sorethroat, coughs and colds were also common to me this year. What really bothered and worried me was the Seborrheic dermatitis that I’ve started to notice middle of December. At first, I thought, this was just minor allergy but then, the rashes started coming out and my eyes are puffy. I became so worried that I decided to visit a Dermatologist just this Saturday. The Doctor confirmed that this is Seborrheic Dermatitis, he gave me a cream that I can topically spread on the affected areas, vitamins and soap. But, I became more worried and noticed that it is not going away anytime soon. My left eye is so inflamed, I feel tired, Im always hungry and The rashes wont go away. I started to read and research on the internet and found out that this is mostly an internal issue, I need diet modification, I need to start eating healthy. I am really unprepared for this but I am positive that I will be able to get through this. I read that this usually lasts for weeks and sometime years. It’s good though that I was able to know and diagnose this early so that I wont have to battle this out for years. I’m really hoping that this will be clear soon. Will definitely update this blog to see my progress.

Wish me luck!

Queasy and wobbly

It’s the second month of the year and yet I’m already rocking my 2nd month with colds and headache. This is the second time that I had colds for this year. Hopefully not again next month and the months coming after. I really hate it when I have colds and cough, most especially colds. It makes my nose really clogged and runny. I hate it. Headache comes after the prolong difficulty of breathing that I experience due to clogged nose. 

I hate this feeling because it makes me really unproductive and lazy at work. How I wish, taking an overdose amount of vitamin C can help. Aside from my colds, I am also taking note of my Acid reflux and my constipation. Arrgh, my body’s going crazy. Oh please, not another visit with my doctor. =( 

Quickpost: Get well soon

I’ve been so paranoid and terrified recently because of my cough, lymph nodes in my neck are and my scratchy throat. So, I finally had the guts to go and visit a doctor, went to my previous work and had an appointment with an ENT doctor, my doctor (who is a bit snob) concluded that I have LPR (laryngopharyngeal reflux) or silent reflux, almost all the symptoms and signs that he said are exactly the things that I’ve been experiencing. He gave me medications and ask me to come back again if I have time for an Endoscopy.

I’m feeling relieve that finally, I got an answer after all these times that I’ve been so flaky about it. I still have to pass my medical exam next week, I hope my rbc and wbc are now in their normal level. Hoping for the best!