Things to remind my self

🌻 You do not need to know everything and that not everything that you know is true.

🌻 Invest in yourself. Someday you’ll be proud of the things that you have accomplished.

🌻 Tell them once or twice but if they do not listen to you,  let them do their thing. “I told you so” will be the least thing that you would want to say.

🌻 You are not to blame if they lie. Lying is a decision. It is a choice. Always choose to be right. 

🌻 Be tired but do not give up. Hard work pays off. 

Secrets and Lies

“Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior. If a man lies to you, he is behaving badly and unlovingly toward you. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. The words “I love you” are not enough to make up for that. Don’t kid yourself that they are.” 
― Susan ForwardWhen Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
Nowadays, I keep on wondering why he keeps on lying to me. I already knew it, I have proofs, conversation details and other information but whenever I confront him, he would say one thing and the next day he drops a different story and would stick to whichever sounds good.

I wonder if for 8 years, all of the things that I have known and we have shared were real or maybe I have been lied on all throughout? Sometimes, I wake up and tell myself that I am so tired of living with someone who’s fake to me. Sometimes, I wish that I never met him at all and at other days I tell myself that maybe I should not care about what is real or not anymore and pretend that everything is fine just for the sake of my son.

“The rules are simple: they lie to us, we know they’re lying, they know we know they’re lying, but they keep lying to us, and we keep pretending to believe them.”
Elena Gorokhova, A Mountain of Crumbs

It is becoming a habit. Him telling all these lies (or maybe some part is true but nevertheless, mostly were lies) and I pretend to believe them all or just settle to what he is saying to avoid further tension and discussion. I keep on telling myself that these will all pass and time will tell which are the truths and the lies. Eventually everything will complete the pieces.

I remember the time when I tried to confront him and initiate conversations about feeling that something wasn’t right, but at that time I settled for his lame excuses. I was rationalizing…and believed what I was told. My gut was telling me, something was wrong. Each time I asked, I was told I was being “suspicious”, and they were getting tired of me asking them questions about it. I even started second guessing myself.
I thought, Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he really hadn’t been secretly texting or messaging someone from that place, and maybe nothing is really happening inside. But turns out it was the other way, he was lying all these time and shift blaming me for all the things that he chose to do. That’s when I realized that I do not know him anymore, that everything is a make believe and it’s devastating that my son is affected in all of these.

I am honestly afraid. My trust in him has already been crushed. I do not know when I’ll be able to believe in him again but definitely not anytime soon. Everything is shattered but I am here. I chose to come back. Even though it is clear that love is not there anymore. I am trying to make everything work. Every day I am dragging myself to wake up next to a stranger. I am scared as shit everyday. I can’t sleep at night, I keep on wondering what he is doing. Im like a ticking bomb.

Praying for him

Last weekend, I found out something again about his doings. I found out that he has been doing it around 2013 years before I even became pregnant and while we are still together. I was clearly devastated and felt like another pin is being inserted in my throat. I came to the conclusion that he is an “addict”, a maniac. I found out that he never really got out of the circle instead he keeps on creating new accounts, changing username after usernames. I have read that “their inability at healthy attachments and healthy emotional intimacy leads to living a life of secrecy” and that the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the person experiences as unbearable. His actions were not a reflection of my lack, but they were a reflection of his.

I realized that I can no longer do anything about it. It is already in front of me all these time but I was blinded. I swear should I have known it before, I could have been on a much better place today. Away from doubts, regrets and fear. The only thing I am thankful right now is having my son. It’s hard because nowadays, whenever we fight, the things he would say made me feel like my heart was being ripped out. He was speaking lies. Time after time he attacked me, and I would just take it.

I kept on thinking, I kept on analyzing things and the more I think about it. The more I grew empathy for him. I truly feel that he has lots of past and current issues in terms of him self, how he handles his stress or how he reacts to trauma and unusual events. Him waving his sexual indiscretions in front of his family were minor compared to what he must have felt on the inside. Yes he does a lot of things inside the house and he ensures that all our needs are met but it does not give him the right to do such promiscuous acts. Because of all these I cannot help but be scared and feel fear for the safety of our family especially in the status of our health. We are now exposed to different diseases that is connected to it.

Talking to one of my married friends really helped a lot. I started to see things on a different perspective and that is my own viewpoint. I realized that I can no longer help someone who does not want to be helped same as I cannot change someone who does not want to change, as everything will have to start within himself. With this, I started to focus more on myself and my son. Yes, I am still with him, I act as natural as I can and I try not to talk about it anymore, I still do what I needed to do as a partner and as part of the family but the core is about myself and how I can improve myself more.

I have come to a thought that I needed to be busy. I need to do things that will make me enhance my skills, learn new knowledge that I can use someday to earn more and be more relevant. This will also help me not check on him too much both online and personal and what I currently do whenever he goes out or whenever I feel that something is not right is that I pray. I pray for my doubts, insecurities, fears and his weaknesses. Although I prioritized more on myself, I on the other side reached out to God and clung on to Him and prayed for my partner.

I am not the steadfast type of religious person ( “religious” jargon) but every now and then I go to Church and I do pray whenever I have the time. When I was a child, I used to keep a prayer inside my pillow’s case so that I won’t forget to pray especially when I am too tired to do so. I am aware that I am one of those persons who make it a habit to pray whenever I do have any challenges because somehow it makes me feel that I have someone who listens and someone who can grant my wishes and hopes. And now that I am faced with a new set of difficulties I am reaching out again and praying for him.

Although we are not married, I believe this still applies of you really are in a committed relationship and has children, I found the below prayer might be useful:

Heavenly Father,
You are my amazing God. I praise your consistency. You are great all the time. Thank you for the strength You have given me to endure the trauma of learning that my husband is a _____.
Only You know his heart Lord, and I pray that You will speak to his heart. Humble him like he first was in recovery. Open his eyes, Father God, so that he can see You and desire to be Christ like.
Please teach him how to build trust and to love like Jesus, Lord. Your love is perfect and I strive for a love like that in our marriage.
Bring into the light any residual fears, lies, and shame from his addiction so that he can face them and grow into the spiritual leader You want him to be.
Please guide me in my actions as I respond to him. Keep me accountable and true to Your word God.
In Jesus name, I ask You to cast out the enemy’s desire to ruin our family and to ruin each of our lives as individuals in Christ. Satan is not welcome here!
Hebrews 13:4-7
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.
Amen

PRAYER LINK

 

Here at it again

I came back.

I honestly have no idea what will happen days from now or even years but I’m trying to keep my hopes up that things will turn out as what is the best for every one.

I admit, my mind can go cray cray at times but I can never be blamed for anything that happened to him. As I have always mentioned, he chose to go there and whatever he is doing inside, I will never know and I do not intend to know anymore. My mind is at peace that somehow he admitted that he really does go there.

Though, I am still plagued with questions and doubts, I have no choice but to keep it all inside and not talk about anymore. I always tell myself that if ever it happens again, I will not react the same way that I confronted him. I know it will be really hard but I will try my best to set aside my emotions and focus more on my actions. Sometimes, I wonder what goes in his mind, can he really stop or he is finding ways to continue such acts. Well anyway, I have to stop thinking about it and start working on myself first.

I am not perfect. We are not the same. We are totally two different persons but we have the same choice, and it is to make this family work. I hope that whatever happens, we will always have this same objective and it is to keep this family no matter what. I am choosing to stay not because it is convenient, not because of my son but because I have decided that I will not play the blame game anymore. I have come to the realization that I am in charge  of my life in general and how I address the issues that I may encounter. I can only fully live happier once I focused on what matters and what is for the best.

“One of the biggest favors that you can do for yourself is to accept your loved ones for who they are, and not be constantly disappointed because they are not who you think they should be.”
Jennifer O’Neill

Recently, I am trying to accept him as an individual first and not as a father or a husband. For the past years, months and days, I have set my expectations on him. I have been critical on myself and to him. I have always wanted more from him but thinking about it now, I realized that not everything that I want will go as planned and I can not really control his actions and even his thoughts and decisions. We all know that everyone has something good about them. What you can do is to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that.

For the coming days, I only have high hopes for myself in terms of how I will respond to future difficulties may it be about him, my son or our family as a whole. I need to let go of certainty but be open and willing. I need to  condition my mind and body so that happiness is totally within the way I will perceive things and handle rough patches in life.

 

 

 

 

There’s way to happiness

After writing my last post, I cried. Yep! I cried big time! But then, I thought, why the hell would I let go of my happiness? I have my son and he is my Life! I am happy with my son beside me. I go home everyday to see him laugh and crack at my simple peek-a-boo! And as simple as that, he is definitely my bliss!

I decided to list down the things that make me happy, I’ll definitely look at this whenever I feel sad and try as much as possible to do these things everyday (insert hashtag feeling positive!)

  • Spending time, cuddling, kissing and making my son giggle 🙂
  • Thrift Store Shopping
  • Eating Pizza! (Papa John’s, chicken bacon ranch or yellowcab)
  • Chat time with my Girlfriends/Bffs
  • Watching sunset at the Beach
  • Vacations
  • Staycations
  • Watching movies with subtitles! hehe
  • Reading inspirational Books
  • Sewing, altering clothes
  • Tucking in bed and sleeping while raining outside
  • A good Hair day
  • long hot showers
  • Finding cute Little trinkets
  • Trying a new recipe and the result taste is good!!
  • Freshly painted manicure
  • Listening to good ol’ RNB songs (90 to 00s!)
  • Taking Good Photos or selfies!
  • Helping people
  • Setting a goal and achieving it
  • Receiving Compliments (or giving! hehe)
  • Catching up on reading my favorite blogs
  • Instagram stalking my favorite bloggers
  • New or clean sheets (I’ll buy another one next month!)
  • Making Surprises
  • Attending Birthday Parties
  • Seeing cute Puppies (and my Milo!)
  • Buying new toys or an item for my son
  • Losing weight (working on it! haha)
  • Misty photographs that make me yearn for a place I”m not sure I’ll ever get to be
  • The date of my birthday
  • The date of my Son’s birthday
  • Catching the clock at 11:11 and using that minute to create magic via wishes
  • When the hanged after laundry clothes are dry
  • Having Original Ideas
  • Making someone Laugh with my corny Jokes
  • Falling asleep with my son beside me.
  • Writing a feel good post on my blog
  • New things!
  • Online Shopping
  • Receiving my parcel and opening the box
  • Being so full, i get sleepy
  • Tasting something incredibly delicious for the first time
  • Finding money you had forgotten about
  • Payday!
  • Drinking the first sip of your favorite beverage
  • Listening to a catchy tune
  • Meeting someone who really cares about you
  • Someone calling who you were just thinking about
  • Eating at a nice restaurant
  • Free food!
  • Wearing a pretty dress or clothes that fits me well
  • Trees and Leaves (Green for days!)
  • Really, really good conversations (without one interrupting another, pure give and take communications)
  • Cards, notepaper, stationary, letters.
  • My list of favorite quotes
  • That feeling when you take off your bra after wearing it for many hours
  • Getting unexpected calls, SMS & emails that makes me feel special to someone.

There’s a lot of things to be happy about, it just shows that Happiness is really a choice. It is true that you can create happiness from even the tiniest and smallest things in life. Can you share yours? 🙂

 

June thoughts

Now that my due date is coming, I am feeling that a lot of things will change in the coming days. There are a lot of things that I’ll miss doing on my own but I’m excited to do tons of things with my Baby Mason soon!

But what really got me these past few days are all those attention and care that I am receiving from my friends. I just realized that I do have a lot of friends and all of them are really special to me. I’ve been receiving thoughtful messages and some would even want to see or spend time with me before I go on labor. Of course, even those who are from abroad are communicating and wishing me all their well thoughts. I wish I could see them all! It may seem that I always wanted to go out to show off but really, I wanted to show off how lucky I am to have such thoughtful and caring friends that are willing to spend time with me (and Mason 🙂 )

Currently on my 35 weeks, 5 more weeks and we’ll finally see Mason. My friends are already asking me to inform them once I give birth, they want to see Mason and they want to congratulate me personally and I am feeling really glad about it. It is really nice and I feel blessed that even though I do not have the best Family and Life, atleast I do have and were able to find the best persons in this Lifetime. 🙂

Birthday Surprise!

I almost thought that my birthday is over already. But the first Monday of my 28th was a bit different. I was at my room until I heard my Mother calling me out. I went down and saw my 2 Childhood friends.. surprising me with Balloons, cake, flowers and a gift while singing Happy Birthday!

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Oh they even have party hats! haha and yes, they look younger than me because they are really younger than me. Just around 22-23 years old! The reason that I look young too because I have young friends! haha

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I was really surprised and Happy! They said that they have already planned this on my Birthday but saw my post on facebook that I am not at home on my Birthday so they opt to go on Monday. They even showed me a video in which they were preparing for the surprise.

So they brought a cake and I blew them, we ate them afterwards.

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The flowers, partyhats and the gift! I opened it and it was a cute maternity blouse, my favorite color blue and polkadots. I wore it just yesterday and got a few compliments.

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Milo even joined the party! So cute!

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Eversince , they always have a way of surprising me. I do not do much for them on their birthdays but they are just so sweet I want to cry!! I’ll definitely miss them once i move to Bryan’s house.

It is times like this that I realize how lucky I am to have such sweet friends that even though I do not really see them much, they always do the sweetest things ever!

Weekly Bump at 34

I am now 34 weeks! Which means I am now 8 1/2 months pregnant! Omg! My due date is also a month away!! I cannot contain myself anymore, I am so excited everyday. As my due date is coming, I am getting more uncomfortable and with limited movements. Mason is also very active, he is making a lot of painful moves but I am happy.

Today, I had my check up with my OB and she said that it seems that everything is going fine with me and the baby. She said that I am not having any swelling of legs or feet and it’s good. Also, my weight gain is just fine and my bowel movements/urine are all okay.

Also, what made my day today (even though, I had a rough time going to work due to the intense weather) is that I received a message from our Client/LO in London, congratulating me on our new addition to our family.Such a nice Guy!

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Also, as per my OB, I can start my ML end of June as it will be my 39th week. Oh how time really flies. I am quite nervous and excited all at the same time. Everyday I talk to him asking him to make it easy for me to do labor. hehe!

Anyway, I have a lot of pending posts to do, My birthday celebration, our stay at Azure and the surprise from my childhood friends! Will catch up on these this weekend! 🙂

Post Baby Shower Update

Yes! It was a success!! We were able to pull off a very simple celebration for our Little man Mason.

Although there were some unexpected events, like some of our invited guests didn’t show up on the party 😦 we truly understand that due to the Schedule itself which is also Mother’s day, some really tried to come but got stuck with their family gatherings and we do agree that Family should come first at all cost, which is why we do understand the situation. However, we have taken note of such case for our future parties or celebrations. So guys, never ever plan a party coinciding with another Holiday or celebrations.

But still, we are happy that there are still family and friends that came to support and celebrated with us on Mason’s welcome party. We are truly humbled and blessed that even though it was a quick one, these people came to share a memorable event for us.This is not really about the gifts but the thoughts and prayers that we are receiving all throughout this journey. We haven’t opened the gifts yet but we are so excited for Mason to use all of them!

As I’ve mentioned in my Facebook account, I am truly happy and blessed that I have a great partner with me who planned and helped as well to make this party a success. He helped in packing and wrapping all the cookies for our favors, he even went out to buy new batteries and SD card for his DSLR which he hasn’t used for a long time!! haha! My best friends who worked really hard for the DIY Diaper cake, backdrop and table displays. I appreciate every single bit!

Also thankful for our families who were there to share happy memories with us. 🙂 🙂 🙂

For the rest of the Pictures, DIYs and stories about the Baby Shower, I will try to post them on my next blog. 🙂

A Glimpse

Last Saturday we went at Baby Ultrasound and Co. in Robinsons Malate. They said that we could go as walk in and there’s no need to call for an appointment but there is a cut off. We came around 2pm, there are already a lot of people but the doctor is not yet available so we filled up forms and chose our package: 3D with fetal biometry we did not opt to have 4d because aside from it is expensive is that we do not think we would be able to watch it often, it is more important to know that he is moving everyday.
Anyway, since the doctor/ob Sonographer is not yet around we strolled around the mall and canvassed for Bryan’s laptop. I get tired easily so we would sit every now and then. Finally around 5:30pm we decided to wait inside the room since the doctor already came. At 6, I was called in.

The ambiance of the ultrasound room is very relaxing, they have a huge monitor in front of the bed for us to see the baby. Also, the bed is very homie, I mean it just feels like you are at home with the prints and the pillows. They have a huge couch at the bedside, it is where the dads would sit to watch the monitor and to be near the mommies.

So the ultrasound started, KY jelly was put on and the very nice sonographer maneuvered over my tummy. I was a bit nervous (what if there’s something wrong!?) for the first few videos I’m not sure what I am seeing haha! (its blurry and I do not have my eye glasses on! huhu) But once the OB checked my baby’s face, I swear I felt my face lit up as well. Baby was so stubborn he keep on covering his face with his hands. I also saw him cry because the OB and assistant were trying to distract him by touching and moving my tummy. But being stubborn as he is, he insisted. We were not able to capture a good photo so the OB suggested we walk and allow my bladder to be full and come back in a few minutes.

After walking we came back and there is no patient left. So we proceeded again with the ultrasound. Still he was very stubborn, they kept on touching and moving my tummy, I have to change my position sideways so that we can see his face. And after a few twist and turns we saw his face, and he even smiled!!

The OB said he looks like his father but also got a few of my features. I guess, he got his father’s nose! His cheeks were so chubby that made me think to lessen my sweets and carbs, I’m sorry baby.

Here are some of his 3d photos

  
I’mreally in love with his nose! haha, I remembered i kept touching Bryan’s nose because i like it so much.

We were really happy that day. Pictures are enough for the meantime as we wait for him. Bryan was so so happy that he even posted it on Facebook, in which I allowed since I am so proud as well..hi-hi!