How I met him

My partner was my first boyfriend ever. He was my college crush. He plays football and I always saw him at the university field playing. I never expected anything at all, I wasn’t even that vain and that’s why I knew that there’s no way that he’ll notice me.

Well, I see him at the University but not every day but every time I see him I noticed that he has different girlfriend each time. Well, I should have known. One time my friend tried to approach him while he was resting after playing football, to introduce me, but I immediately went away. I was nervous that time. I do not even care to know him, I just liked his face and I am contented just seeing him.

He also have classmates that were in the same block as I am so some of them knows that I have a crush on him but he still has no idea about it. After 2 years, We were 4th year then, while watching basketball at our university court one of my friends saw him, pushed me and told me that she’ll introduce me to him and he was surprised because we even took a picture together. I swallowed all my shyness away.

After that day, he asked my friend for my number and he started courting me. I guess since he was my crush, although a lot of my friends were against him because he is a bit flirty with girls..I did not mind and just shoved it all off and I said to myself  “Why not try?”.

And now, we are 9 years together and with a baby boy.

Well, I always thought that our love story is quite cute, well not until I found out about all his shenanigans.

Ma Mum..

Last night I came home and saw my son. He was so excited to see me, he started crying and trying to babble words.. he’s been saying “Mum mum ma mum”, I do not know if he really meant something like Mommy or Mom but the syllables and sound made me extra happy that I started kissing him and hugging him.

What I noticed recently is that I’ve been buying all these stuffs for him: Shoes, clothes and toys. He has a lot of shoes, clothes and toys already but whenever I see something cute, I ended up purchasing more than what I intended to. I guess it’s true that we only want the best for our babies.

Recent Purchases were:

Sweater, Timberland inspired shoes, T shirt and Jogger pants.

I do love shopping but right now I shop mostly for him! Well, I think I need to train myself to control whatever urges I have to buy unnecessary things for him. 🙂

Mommies, what’s your recent purchases for your babies?? 🙂

my present future

Before all of these things, before the lies and the secrets, whenever I think about the future, I have this picture of a happy, contented and complete family. I was really looking forward to giving my baby a sister or a brother. I was happy and I feel blessed.

But when it all came out, things change and so did I. Marriage is definitely out of talks. I do not see him marrying me anytime soon or maybe marriage may never happen. I started to accept the fact that I do not want to be tied up with someone who cannot be man and mature enough to take my hand in marriage. I begun to see the future with only me and my baby. I am looking at giving up my career and start a homebased job in which I can financially support and look at my son everyday. I started finding new ways to improve myself, my skills and how to increase my savings so that I’ll be ready for his education and my future with my baby.

It’s disappointing to realize that I will never be married and I will never have the family that I wish to have ever again. Everything is tainted. We’re not even at the middle yet but things are already complicated.

 

Nightmares

I found everything out last April and honestly it’s only been months since the secrets were out.

Come May, I thought everything will be alright when we talked with his Dad. He promised that he will not open his accounts, talk to anyone from there or even go there.

Then June, I found out that he has another new accounts for both sites. He changed his username and he still opens them and even comments on the threads. He even contacted a Home service Massage that offers the extras. I clearly got devastated, turned into a massive fight and I decided to pack our things and leave.

But days before Mason’s birthday I decided to come back. To make his birthday complete. Although, I always have doubts, I made a decision to not check those sites if he still opens them. I also stopped checking out his Phone for any unusual messages or numbers.

I must admit choosing to stop checking up on him and his actions made everything a lot easier for me to adjust and accept what happened. We still discuss and sometimes fight about it every now and then but not the same way like before.

However, whenever he goes out with friends, I always demand him to update me or send some pictures because things starts to cloud my mind whenever he is away. I keep on thinking that maybe he will go there and do those promiscuous things.

At the back of my mind, I am still in pain and I am scared that sooner or later he will do these things again or even worst. My struggle lately is that I keep having bad dreams about him going into those places and asking some girls to jack him off in front of me, then I will ran crying and cursing.

I cannot sleep for long and I cannot even sleep at night. These dreams wakes me up constantly and it feels so real it’s scary. I wonder when will these things end. I feel so tired.

 

Talking to her

I know he met a lot of girls for all those years that he went to those places. Different girls, different personalities and different attitudes.

There’s one girl that stuck in my mind. She was one of those girls that he keeps on messaging, asking how she was and has a communication with her.

During one of those few days that I found his secret out, I sent this girl a message telling her all stupid shits so she won’t communicate with him in anyway. Not my usual self. But I guess, they remained their communication although I know that it is plainly about friendship since she has her boyfriend too.

There’s this one day that I saw her sent him a message just asking about something. He said that he will not reply to anyone from there anymore. But, something kept bothering me so since I know her Facebook so I sent her out a message (Yep, I know such a dumb act but I just felt like messaging her) firstly, telling that I apologize for saying foolish words to her previously. I also pointed out to stop communicating with him in any possible way that I do not care about her line of job but just stop inviting him or encouraging him to patronize such acts.

She responded a few hours after and she mentioned that she will do as I say. She informed me that I do not have to worry because she longer works there as her boyfriend (whom she met at work) asked her to stop in that kind of job. She continuously said sorry to me for everything that she did and that my partner knows her limitations in that kind of job and she did not mean anything. She assured me that she knows that he loves us very much and will do anything for our family, she is sure that he will not go back to that place or doings again.

I responded to her that whatever it is that she did or they did together is not her fault because it is her job while it is his choice to do all of those things because of his urges. I am clearly disappointed with what he did and it is a long journey to trust him again. I also congratulate her for not working there anymore. The conversation ended with me saying God bless to her and her family.

I do not know but I felt a sudden emotion of being blessed. I do not know why she ended up with that kind of work but I somehow felt that I am lucky to have not experience those things.

She is just one of those girls who he met there. I know I should have not sent her a message but I initially just wanted to say sorry to her for all the bull that I said. I realized that these girls are not to blame because they are just doing what the line of job requires.

As for my partner, yes, it is still a very long way before I can finally say that I have moved on. Everyday I am trying my best and every night I pray that all these emotions will disappear maybe in the right time.

 

 

Praying for him

Last weekend, I found out something again about his doings. I found out that he has been doing it around 2013 years before I even became pregnant and while we are still together. I was clearly devastated and felt like another pin is being inserted in my throat. I came to the conclusion that he is an “addict”, a maniac. I found out that he never really got out of the circle instead he keeps on creating new accounts, changing username after usernames. I have read that “their inability at healthy attachments and healthy emotional intimacy leads to living a life of secrecy” and that the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the person experiences as unbearable. His actions were not a reflection of my lack, but they were a reflection of his.

I realized that I can no longer do anything about it. It is already in front of me all these time but I was blinded. I swear should I have known it before, I could have been on a much better place today. Away from doubts, regrets and fear. The only thing I am thankful right now is having my son. It’s hard because nowadays, whenever we fight, the things he would say made me feel like my heart was being ripped out. He was speaking lies. Time after time he attacked me, and I would just take it.

I kept on thinking, I kept on analyzing things and the more I think about it. The more I grew empathy for him. I truly feel that he has lots of past and current issues in terms of him self, how he handles his stress or how he reacts to trauma and unusual events. Him waving his sexual indiscretions in front of his family were minor compared to what he must have felt on the inside. Yes he does a lot of things inside the house and he ensures that all our needs are met but it does not give him the right to do such promiscuous acts. Because of all these I cannot help but be scared and feel fear for the safety of our family especially in the status of our health. We are now exposed to different diseases that is connected to it.

Talking to one of my married friends really helped a lot. I started to see things on a different perspective and that is my own viewpoint. I realized that I can no longer help someone who does not want to be helped same as I cannot change someone who does not want to change, as everything will have to start within himself. With this, I started to focus more on myself and my son. Yes, I am still with him, I act as natural as I can and I try not to talk about it anymore, I still do what I needed to do as a partner and as part of the family but the core is about myself and how I can improve myself more.

I have come to a thought that I needed to be busy. I need to do things that will make me enhance my skills, learn new knowledge that I can use someday to earn more and be more relevant. This will also help me not check on him too much both online and personal and what I currently do whenever he goes out or whenever I feel that something is not right is that I pray. I pray for my doubts, insecurities, fears and his weaknesses. Although I prioritized more on myself, I on the other side reached out to God and clung on to Him and prayed for my partner.

I am not the steadfast type of religious person ( “religious” jargon) but every now and then I go to Church and I do pray whenever I have the time. When I was a child, I used to keep a prayer inside my pillow’s case so that I won’t forget to pray especially when I am too tired to do so. I am aware that I am one of those persons who make it a habit to pray whenever I do have any challenges because somehow it makes me feel that I have someone who listens and someone who can grant my wishes and hopes. And now that I am faced with a new set of difficulties I am reaching out again and praying for him.

Although we are not married, I believe this still applies of you really are in a committed relationship and has children, I found the below prayer might be useful:

Heavenly Father,
You are my amazing God. I praise your consistency. You are great all the time. Thank you for the strength You have given me to endure the trauma of learning that my husband is a _____.
Only You know his heart Lord, and I pray that You will speak to his heart. Humble him like he first was in recovery. Open his eyes, Father God, so that he can see You and desire to be Christ like.
Please teach him how to build trust and to love like Jesus, Lord. Your love is perfect and I strive for a love like that in our marriage.
Bring into the light any residual fears, lies, and shame from his addiction so that he can face them and grow into the spiritual leader You want him to be.
Please guide me in my actions as I respond to him. Keep me accountable and true to Your word God.
In Jesus name, I ask You to cast out the enemy’s desire to ruin our family and to ruin each of our lives as individuals in Christ. Satan is not welcome here!
Hebrews 13:4-7
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.
Amen

PRAYER LINK

 

Here at it again

I came back.

I honestly have no idea what will happen days from now or even years but I’m trying to keep my hopes up that things will turn out as what is the best for every one.

I admit, my mind can go cray cray at times but I can never be blamed for anything that happened to him. As I have always mentioned, he chose to go there and whatever he is doing inside, I will never know and I do not intend to know anymore. My mind is at peace that somehow he admitted that he really does go there.

Though, I am still plagued with questions and doubts, I have no choice but to keep it all inside and not talk about anymore. I always tell myself that if ever it happens again, I will not react the same way that I confronted him. I know it will be really hard but I will try my best to set aside my emotions and focus more on my actions. Sometimes, I wonder what goes in his mind, can he really stop or he is finding ways to continue such acts. Well anyway, I have to stop thinking about it and start working on myself first.

I am not perfect. We are not the same. We are totally two different persons but we have the same choice, and it is to make this family work. I hope that whatever happens, we will always have this same objective and it is to keep this family no matter what. I am choosing to stay not because it is convenient, not because of my son but because I have decided that I will not play the blame game anymore. I have come to the realization that I am in charge  of my life in general and how I address the issues that I may encounter. I can only fully live happier once I focused on what matters and what is for the best.

“One of the biggest favors that you can do for yourself is to accept your loved ones for who they are, and not be constantly disappointed because they are not who you think they should be.”
Jennifer O’Neill

Recently, I am trying to accept him as an individual first and not as a father or a husband. For the past years, months and days, I have set my expectations on him. I have been critical on myself and to him. I have always wanted more from him but thinking about it now, I realized that not everything that I want will go as planned and I can not really control his actions and even his thoughts and decisions. We all know that everyone has something good about them. What you can do is to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that.

For the coming days, I only have high hopes for myself in terms of how I will respond to future difficulties may it be about him, my son or our family as a whole. I need to let go of certainty but be open and willing. I need to  condition my mind and body so that happiness is totally within the way I will perceive things and handle rough patches in life.

 

 

 

 

There’s way to happiness

After writing my last post, I cried. Yep! I cried big time! But then, I thought, why the hell would I let go of my happiness? I have my son and he is my Life! I am happy with my son beside me. I go home everyday to see him laugh and crack at my simple peek-a-boo! And as simple as that, he is definitely my bliss!

I decided to list down the things that make me happy, I’ll definitely look at this whenever I feel sad and try as much as possible to do these things everyday (insert hashtag feeling positive!)

  • Spending time, cuddling, kissing and making my son giggle 🙂
  • Thrift Store Shopping
  • Eating Pizza! (Papa John’s, chicken bacon ranch or yellowcab)
  • Chat time with my Girlfriends/Bffs
  • Watching sunset at the Beach
  • Vacations
  • Staycations
  • Watching movies with subtitles! hehe
  • Reading inspirational Books
  • Sewing, altering clothes
  • Tucking in bed and sleeping while raining outside
  • A good Hair day
  • long hot showers
  • Finding cute Little trinkets
  • Trying a new recipe and the result taste is good!!
  • Freshly painted manicure
  • Listening to good ol’ RNB songs (90 to 00s!)
  • Taking Good Photos or selfies!
  • Helping people
  • Setting a goal and achieving it
  • Receiving Compliments (or giving! hehe)
  • Catching up on reading my favorite blogs
  • Instagram stalking my favorite bloggers
  • New or clean sheets (I’ll buy another one next month!)
  • Making Surprises
  • Attending Birthday Parties
  • Seeing cute Puppies (and my Milo!)
  • Buying new toys or an item for my son
  • Losing weight (working on it! haha)
  • Misty photographs that make me yearn for a place I”m not sure I’ll ever get to be
  • The date of my birthday
  • The date of my Son’s birthday
  • Catching the clock at 11:11 and using that minute to create magic via wishes
  • When the hanged after laundry clothes are dry
  • Having Original Ideas
  • Making someone Laugh with my corny Jokes
  • Falling asleep with my son beside me.
  • Writing a feel good post on my blog
  • New things!
  • Online Shopping
  • Receiving my parcel and opening the box
  • Being so full, i get sleepy
  • Tasting something incredibly delicious for the first time
  • Finding money you had forgotten about
  • Payday!
  • Drinking the first sip of your favorite beverage
  • Listening to a catchy tune
  • Meeting someone who really cares about you
  • Someone calling who you were just thinking about
  • Eating at a nice restaurant
  • Free food!
  • Wearing a pretty dress or clothes that fits me well
  • Trees and Leaves (Green for days!)
  • Really, really good conversations (without one interrupting another, pure give and take communications)
  • Cards, notepaper, stationary, letters.
  • My list of favorite quotes
  • That feeling when you take off your bra after wearing it for many hours
  • Getting unexpected calls, SMS & emails that makes me feel special to someone.

There’s a lot of things to be happy about, it just shows that Happiness is really a choice. It is true that you can create happiness from even the tiniest and smallest things in life. Can you share yours? 🙂

 

A Glimpse

Last Saturday we went at Baby Ultrasound and Co. in Robinsons Malate. They said that we could go as walk in and there’s no need to call for an appointment but there is a cut off. We came around 2pm, there are already a lot of people but the doctor is not yet available so we filled up forms and chose our package: 3D with fetal biometry we did not opt to have 4d because aside from it is expensive is that we do not think we would be able to watch it often, it is more important to know that he is moving everyday.
Anyway, since the doctor/ob Sonographer is not yet around we strolled around the mall and canvassed for Bryan’s laptop. I get tired easily so we would sit every now and then. Finally around 5:30pm we decided to wait inside the room since the doctor already came. At 6, I was called in.

The ambiance of the ultrasound room is very relaxing, they have a huge monitor in front of the bed for us to see the baby. Also, the bed is very homie, I mean it just feels like you are at home with the prints and the pillows. They have a huge couch at the bedside, it is where the dads would sit to watch the monitor and to be near the mommies.

So the ultrasound started, KY jelly was put on and the very nice sonographer maneuvered over my tummy. I was a bit nervous (what if there’s something wrong!?) for the first few videos I’m not sure what I am seeing haha! (its blurry and I do not have my eye glasses on! huhu) But once the OB checked my baby’s face, I swear I felt my face lit up as well. Baby was so stubborn he keep on covering his face with his hands. I also saw him cry because the OB and assistant were trying to distract him by touching and moving my tummy. But being stubborn as he is, he insisted. We were not able to capture a good photo so the OB suggested we walk and allow my bladder to be full and come back in a few minutes.

After walking we came back and there is no patient left. So we proceeded again with the ultrasound. Still he was very stubborn, they kept on touching and moving my tummy, I have to change my position sideways so that we can see his face. And after a few twist and turns we saw his face, and he even smiled!!

The OB said he looks like his father but also got a few of my features. I guess, he got his father’s nose! His cheeks were so chubby that made me think to lessen my sweets and carbs, I’m sorry baby.

Here are some of his 3d photos

  
I’mreally in love with his nose! haha, I remembered i kept touching Bryan’s nose because i like it so much.

We were really happy that day. Pictures are enough for the meantime as we wait for him. Bryan was so so happy that he even posted it on Facebook, in which I allowed since I am so proud as well..hi-hi!

Undelivered letter

Hi,

I see you every day yet we don’t meet eye to eye. I live in the present, you live in the past. I don’t get to miss you whenever you’re away. It just seems so natural that I can live without you around. I hate you so much and I resent myself about it. It’s funny that I despised and talked down on you but whenever I see you in pain physically I tend to be affected and worry about you.

When she was away, you’re the one who held me, pat me to sleep, prepared my things and even bought every thing that I need. But, there will be some things that will never change like the way you find fault and grumble on simple situations. I pity you because of that. all your grudge in the past is keeping you from being happy. I wish you know how to move on, I wish you know how to have fun and I wish you know how much I care for you so you’ll not keep on pushing things away from you. It’s weird because I hate you as much as I love you.

Years have passed, a lot has changed. We have grown, we left and came back but the way you look at our family is still the same. I wish you know how to show love because we have been longing for it. I hope you realize that time will pass and yet you were not able to show us how much we’re worth to you and it sucks.

One thing is for sure though, I am still favored that I’ve seen this. Now that I’m having my own family, I’ll make sure that this is different from yours. I’ll make sure that I will not miss out on what’s in front of me. I will not live on with the past rather I’ll use them to move forward.

Always loving you despite your temper (I think I got your temper too).