Love · Motherhood · Question · Uncategorized

Ma Mum..

Last night I came home and saw my son. He was so excited to see me, he started crying and trying to babble words.. he’s been saying “Mum mum ma mum”, I do not know if he really meant something like Mommy or Mom but the syllables and sound made me extra happy that I started kissing him and hugging him.

What I noticed recently is that I’ve been buying all these stuffs for him: Shoes, clothes and toys. He has a lot of shoes, clothes and toys already but whenever I see something cute, I ended up purchasing more than what I intended to. I guess it’s true that we only want the best for our babies.

Recent Purchases were:

Sweater, Timberland inspired shoes, T shirt and Jogger pants.

I do love shopping but right now I shop mostly for him! Well, I think I need to train myself to control whatever urges I have to buy unnecessary things for him. 🙂

Mommies, what’s your recent purchases for your babies?? 🙂

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Family · Journey · Love · Motherhood · Rants · Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

my present future

Before all of these things, before the lies and the secrets, whenever I think about the future, I have this picture of a happy, contented and complete family. I was really looking forward to giving my baby a sister or a brother. I was happy and I feel blessed.

But when it all came out, things change and so did I. Marriage is definitely out of talks. I do not see him marrying me anytime soon or maybe marriage may never happen. I started to accept the fact that I do not want to be tied up with someone who cannot be man and mature enough to take my hand in marriage. I begun to see the future with only me and my baby. I am looking at giving up my career and start a homebased job in which I can financially support and look at my son everyday. I started finding new ways to improve myself, my skills and how to increase my savings so that I’ll be ready for his education and my future with my baby.

It’s disappointing to realize that I will never be married and I will never have the family that I wish to have ever again. Everything is tainted. We’re not even at the middle yet but things are already complicated.

 

Family · Journey · Life · Love · Motherhood · prayers · Relationships · Uncategorized

Praying for him

Last weekend, I found out something again about his doings. I found out that he has been doing it around 2013 years before I even became pregnant and while we are still together. I was clearly devastated and felt like another pin is being inserted in my throat. I came to the conclusion that he is an “addict”, a maniac. I found out that he never really got out of the circle instead he keeps on creating new accounts, changing username after usernames. I have read that “their inability at healthy attachments and healthy emotional intimacy leads to living a life of secrecy” and that the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the person experiences as unbearable. His actions were not a reflection of my lack, but they were a reflection of his.

I realized that I can no longer do anything about it. It is already in front of me all these time but I was blinded. I swear should I have known it before, I could have been on a much better place today. Away from doubts, regrets and fear. The only thing I am thankful right now is having my son. It’s hard because nowadays, whenever we fight, the things he would say made me feel like my heart was being ripped out. He was speaking lies. Time after time he attacked me, and I would just take it.

I kept on thinking, I kept on analyzing things and the more I think about it. The more I grew empathy for him. I truly feel that he has lots of past and current issues in terms of him self, how he handles his stress or how he reacts to trauma and unusual events. Him waving his sexual indiscretions in front of his family were minor compared to what he must have felt on the inside. Yes he does a lot of things inside the house and he ensures that all our needs are met but it does not give him the right to do such promiscuous acts. Because of all these I cannot help but be scared and feel fear for the safety of our family especially in the status of our health. We are now exposed to different diseases that is connected to it.

Talking to one of my married friends really helped a lot. I started to see things on a different perspective and that is my own viewpoint. I realized that I can no longer help someone who does not want to be helped same as I cannot change someone who does not want to change, as everything will have to start within himself. With this, I started to focus more on myself and my son. Yes, I am still with him, I act as natural as I can and I try not to talk about it anymore, I still do what I needed to do as a partner and as part of the family but the core is about myself and how I can improve myself more.

I have come to a thought that I needed to be busy. I need to do things that will make me enhance my skills, learn new knowledge that I can use someday to earn more and be more relevant. This will also help me not check on him too much both online and personal and what I currently do whenever he goes out or whenever I feel that something is not right is that I pray. I pray for my doubts, insecurities, fears and his weaknesses. Although I prioritized more on myself, I on the other side reached out to God and clung on to Him and prayed for my partner.

I am not the steadfast type of religious person ( “religious” jargon) but every now and then I go to Church and I do pray whenever I have the time. When I was a child, I used to keep a prayer inside my pillow’s case so that I won’t forget to pray especially when I am too tired to do so. I am aware that I am one of those persons who make it a habit to pray whenever I do have any challenges because somehow it makes me feel that I have someone who listens and someone who can grant my wishes and hopes. And now that I am faced with a new set of difficulties I am reaching out again and praying for him.

Although we are not married, I believe this still applies of you really are in a committed relationship and has children, I found the below prayer might be useful:

Heavenly Father,
You are my amazing God. I praise your consistency. You are great all the time. Thank you for the strength You have given me to endure the trauma of learning that my husband is a _____.
Only You know his heart Lord, and I pray that You will speak to his heart. Humble him like he first was in recovery. Open his eyes, Father God, so that he can see You and desire to be Christ like.
Please teach him how to build trust and to love like Jesus, Lord. Your love is perfect and I strive for a love like that in our marriage.
Bring into the light any residual fears, lies, and shame from his addiction so that he can face them and grow into the spiritual leader You want him to be.
Please guide me in my actions as I respond to him. Keep me accountable and true to Your word God.
In Jesus name, I ask You to cast out the enemy’s desire to ruin our family and to ruin each of our lives as individuals in Christ. Satan is not welcome here!
Hebrews 13:4-7
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.
Amen

PRAYER LINK

 

Journey · Motherhood · Uncategorized

Working breastfeeding Mom

Ever since I became part of the Breastfeeding Pinays group in Facebook (Thank you to my friend who added me 🙂 ), I became aware of a lot of things in terms of nursing, taking care my child and most especially the significance of breastfeeding my son. Although I do not 100% breastfeed my son anymore, I still make sure to religiously breast pump and bring home a bottle of breast milk. For the past 6 months, breastfeeding has really helped a lot especially in our finances and the good health it brings to my son. Hence, my partner and I would really want to continue breast feeding and breast pumping.

When I came back to work, I used to go to the clinic to pump but I realized that it’s a bit uncomfortable since we do not have a lactation room so I need to breast pump in the patient’s room. I feel worried at times because any moment some one might use the patient’s room and will see me breast pump. With this, I settled to breast pump in my work station (my previous work station has a lot of space and I can really pump without anyone knowing). This routine continued until the last day of our stay in the Building. Come December the Company decided to move to a new location. New location means new work station and our new desk style is not same as before thus, I needed to breast pump again in the clinic. from 3 times a day, my breast pumping schedule was reduced to once a day. The clinic has the same area with the old one but now they have two patient’s area but still no chair, provided with only the bed and a table and I was okay with it.

I do not usually discuss my concerns on this but one event made me reach out to our Admin. A screenshot of my email below

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I was really disappointed that day that I decided to send an email and express the inconvenienced that the process has caused me.

I am so glad that I sent this email (maybe just a bit late) because just today, I was able to use the new lactation room in our office. I am also very thankful that they were able to take action on my concern swiftly. I reverted an email appreciating their efforts on this. I am happy that with this small act, I was able to contribute to a much bigger value to support all other new and soon to be moms of our company to breastfeed and breast pump 🙂 

 

 

Family · Journey · Motherhood · Uncategorized

My labor story

So yes, finally I gave birth after 39 weeks and 4 days! It was one heck of a roller coaster! From the unexpected 2 PT lines to all those morning vomits and nightly heartburn.. I am now holding my baby real time! 

Anyway, lets go back to my Labor Story..hehe! My supposed due date was July 5. So my OB met me on the last Thursday of June at St Lukes BGC since she wont be able to go to her clinic at Our Lady of Lourdes. I was expecting that this will be our last check up before I give birth. She checked and said that I am already 1cm dilated. She advised that I should walk around, have sex or bounce on my pillow chair so that it would progress. However, she also gave me primrose capsule to be taken as well to make sure that my Labor would progress easily and she requested for another BPS ultrasound to check if I still have enough amniotic fluid. The next day (my Last Friday at work before my ML) I went to work to finish some errands and timesheets of my Team, it also gave me the chance to move and walk around.

Come July 1. I havent taken the primrose yet because I forgot to buy it. Anyway, funny thing is since I have not yet taken the primrose, we opt to have an intimate night as advised! (haha!sorry!! this is TMI!) It was 5am of July 2 just right after we did it I felt a surge of urine coming out. I was not able to hold it so it dripped on the floor (Bryan said that it might be my bag of water but I just shook it all off since I really felt that it was just my normal urine). After that we went to sleep. I woke up around 11am feeling a bit of tightness around my belly. When i checked my underwear there was a brownish mucus discharge (was this the mucus plug? I am not sure!) So I did not really put too much attention on that since I am not feeling any contractions.. Yet!

We prepared ourselves to go to The hospital for my Ultrasound. That day, I was also planning to sleep over my Parents house. We got to the Hospital around 2pm and finished around 4pm. I was already feeling some pain and cramps around my lower abdomen. The ultrasound result also showed that I have low normal amniotic fluids so we texted the result to my OB. Still no idea that I will be having labor anytime soon! lol.

Since we were expecting to give birth on Tuesday we decided to go to the grocery to buy some essentials. While shopping I felt that the pain is getting intense and already have intervals. Around 6pm we went to my Parents house. I noticed that the pain around my lower abdomen is then accompanied with the feeling of being constipated. But we went as planned, Bryan went home and I stayed. Around 11pm the pain is getting stronger and the intervals are getting shorter so I messaged Bryan everytime  I feel the pain and asked for google’s help and we thought that maybe this was just False Labor (Do not trust google in such cases lol!) Around 12am I had a poo and  I saw that I have brownish discharged and by 1am the mucus became bright red. We started to become worried and my Mom said that it is already real contractions. Bryan hurriedly went to our house and we texted my OB.While waiting for bryan, my OB advised to go to the delivery room of Our Lady of Lourdes. 

Before going inside the Hospital we opted to eat , thinking that once Im inside, I would no longer be given any food to eat. 2am I was inside the admitting room, they were asking questions, checking my contractions and my baby’s heart rate. By then the resident said that I am at 3-4cm already. Bryan was called and asked to choose and reserve a room as I will be wheeled inside the monitoring area. Everything was so fast, They had me sedated (i felt sleepy but everytime theres a contraction the sleepiness seems to fade) because I keep on howling for pain.They checked again and decided that I must be transferred to the Labor Room.

3am I was in the labor room,screaming for pain! I remember telling them that I could not hold it any longer! They had me epidural and  When I heard   my OB’s voice i felt a bit relieved (or maybe due to the anesthesia?hee) They started to prepare me for labor by telling what to do and cleaning me up. I am no longer feeling the pain and i do not know if i am pushing it correctly but I kept on pushing anyway.

Around 6am.. 6:01 of July 3, 2016 to be exact! I successfully delivered our Little Alex Mason. Bryan was called to cut the cord (lucky! not everyone gets the chance to cut their baby’s umbilical cord!) and while I vomit the last meal I ate before I go on labor. (yep! I vomitted! they even got worried because its dark but i said its just chocolate!hehe) Everything were so fast. From 3am to 6am! When mason came out I was desperately waiting for him to cry and Thank God he did, even louder after being suctioned. He was 6lbs and 13oz.

Btw, Here’s our Little one   

     

We’re just so thankful that everything went fine. They said that   every pregnancy and labor are different but nevertheless what we always want is the best for our  little ones. Also so glad that our OB is soo good! For those who would want to know, She’s Dra Karen Torredes.

It was such an amazing journey of pregnancy and so glad that my labor didnt take long. The important thing is that We were both safe and sound and back at home. 🙂 

Will post my My breastfeeding journey soon!

Family · Journey · Motherhood · Rants · Thoughts · Uncategorized

Weekly Bump at 36

Whew I am now 36 weeks and 1 day! A lot of things are going on especially at work. We are facing tool issues, delayed deliverables and my tasks are all piling up because I am closer to having my maternity Leave and I need to finish all the pending tasks that I still have and it is really driving me mad these days..

Another thing is that I just moved to Bryan’s house last Monday. A lot of adjusting to do and I am having hard time getting used to the room, their place, his Father and Sister but I am keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll be able to adjust as soon as possible before I give birth. It was been a very tiring and emotional few days in their house. I cried thrice already all for different reasons:

  • Firstly, I am in constant shock for all the things that I am now doing. I folded their clothes, washed the dishes and cleaned our room. All in which I have never consistently done in our House. My mom has always been the one who does all things at home and it was just like that ever since. Another thing that causes my frustrations is that they kept on teasing me because I do not know how to Cook! I honestly bawled my eyes out over that and I really don’t know until when. I know it’s really bad but I just don’t know why I am so emotional.
  • Bryan and I have been fighting a lot recently for the simplest reasons to the huge ones and I am just really tired. I cried yesterday in the afternoon and then at night and the morning after. I just can’t hold on to those feelings anymore.
  • I am having a hard time falling asleep at their house, I am now experiencing headaches and more consistent acid reflux. I am usually up all night, moving all over the place. 😦 I am having issues as well in my bowel movement ,I am not sure if I am just anxious or what because of I just moved but this is really making me really bothered. Also, feeling extra sad nowadays because I miss my Mom, my dog and my old Life.

I still have 3 weeks to go and everything will just be the start of my New Life. I know I need to be stronger and I’m just keeping my hopes up for that. I just honestly wish that Baby Mason is healthy for my Ultrasound next week and once he comes out.

 

 

 

Journey · Life · Motherhood · Thoughts · Uncategorized

Weekly Bump at 34

I am now 34 weeks! Which means I am now 8 1/2 months pregnant! Omg! My due date is also a month away!! I cannot contain myself anymore, I am so excited everyday. As my due date is coming, I am getting more uncomfortable and with limited movements. Mason is also very active, he is making a lot of painful moves but I am happy.

Today, I had my check up with my OB and she said that it seems that everything is going fine with me and the baby. She said that I am not having any swelling of legs or feet and it’s good. Also, my weight gain is just fine and my bowel movements/urine are all okay.

Also, what made my day today (even though, I had a rough time going to work due to the intense weather) is that I received a message from our Client/LO in London, congratulating me on our new addition to our family.Such a nice Guy!

jjj.jpg

Also, as per my OB, I can start my ML end of June as it will be my 39th week. Oh how time really flies. I am quite nervous and excited all at the same time. Everyday I talk to him asking him to make it easy for me to do labor. hehe!

Anyway, I have a lot of pending posts to do, My birthday celebration, our stay at Azure and the surprise from my childhood friends! Will catch up on these this weekend! 🙂