What happened to Love?

It pains me to know that there are a lot of women or wives who have experience being cheated on by their partners.

What’s more sad is when actually see it with their own eyes. Well, not really on the act of doing it but seeing it online through chats, site or even text messages. It is like a documented version of all those cheating escapades and texts or words can really cut deep more than the physical aspect.

I have been reading a lot about other girls and their experiences. Almost each case is the same. They get married and then somewhere along the way they find out the shenanigans and discover the unusual and immoral personalities of the person whom they believed to have loved them as much as they love them.

Sometimes I wonder how strong is the urge compared to the significance of keeping the family and love that you built and have dreamed of, was it that easy to decide?

 

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How I met him

My partner was my first boyfriend ever. He was my college crush. He plays football and I always saw him at the university field playing. I never expected anything at all, I wasn’t even that vain and that’s why I knew that there’s no way that he’ll notice me.

Well, I see him at the University but not every day but every time I see him I noticed that he has different girlfriend each time. Well, I should have known. One time my friend tried to approach him while he was resting after playing football, to introduce me, but I immediately went away. I was nervous that time. I do not even care to know him, I just liked his face and I am contented just seeing him.

He also have classmates that were in the same block as I am so some of them knows that I have a crush on him but he still has no idea about it. After 2 years, We were 4th year then, while watching basketball at our university court one of my friends saw him, pushed me and told me that she’ll introduce me to him and he was surprised because we even took a picture together. I swallowed all my shyness away.

After that day, he asked my friend for my number and he started courting me. I guess since he was my crush, although a lot of my friends were against him because he is a bit flirty with girls..I did not mind and just shoved it all off and I said to myself  “Why not try?”.

And now, we are 9 years together and with a baby boy.

Well, I always thought that our love story is quite cute, well not until I found out about all his shenanigans.

my present future

Before all of these things, before the lies and the secrets, whenever I think about the future, I have this picture of a happy, contented and complete family. I was really looking forward to giving my baby a sister or a brother. I was happy and I feel blessed.

But when it all came out, things change and so did I. Marriage is definitely out of talks. I do not see him marrying me anytime soon or maybe marriage may never happen. I started to accept the fact that I do not want to be tied up with someone who cannot be man and mature enough to take my hand in marriage. I begun to see the future with only me and my baby. I am looking at giving up my career and start a homebased job in which I can financially support and look at my son everyday. I started finding new ways to improve myself, my skills and how to increase my savings so that I’ll be ready for his education and my future with my baby.

It’s disappointing to realize that I will never be married and I will never have the family that I wish to have ever again. Everything is tainted. We’re not even at the middle yet but things are already complicated.

 

Nightmares

I found everything out last April and honestly it’s only been months since the secrets were out.

Come May, I thought everything will be alright when we talked with his Dad. He promised that he will not open his accounts, talk to anyone from there or even go there.

Then June, I found out that he has another new accounts for both sites. He changed his username and he still opens them and even comments on the threads. He even contacted a Home service Massage that offers the extras. I clearly got devastated, turned into a massive fight and I decided to pack our things and leave.

But days before Mason’s birthday I decided to come back. To make his birthday complete. Although, I always have doubts, I made a decision to not check those sites if he still opens them. I also stopped checking out his Phone for any unusual messages or numbers.

I must admit choosing to stop checking up on him and his actions made everything a lot easier for me to adjust and accept what happened. We still discuss and sometimes fight about it every now and then but not the same way like before.

However, whenever he goes out with friends, I always demand him to update me or send some pictures because things starts to cloud my mind whenever he is away. I keep on thinking that maybe he will go there and do those promiscuous things.

At the back of my mind, I am still in pain and I am scared that sooner or later he will do these things again or even worst. My struggle lately is that I keep having bad dreams about him going into those places and asking some girls to jack him off in front of me, then I will ran crying and cursing.

I cannot sleep for long and I cannot even sleep at night. These dreams wakes me up constantly and it feels so real it’s scary. I wonder when will these things end. I feel so tired.

 

Talking to her

I know he met a lot of girls for all those years that he went to those places. Different girls, different personalities and different attitudes.

There’s one girl that stuck in my mind. She was one of those girls that he keeps on messaging, asking how she was and has a communication with her.

During one of those few days that I found his secret out, I sent this girl a message telling her all stupid shits so she won’t communicate with him in anyway. Not my usual self. But I guess, they remained their communication although I know that it is plainly about friendship since she has her boyfriend too.

There’s this one day that I saw her sent him a message just asking about something. He said that he will not reply to anyone from there anymore. But, something kept bothering me so since I know her Facebook so I sent her out a message (Yep, I know such a dumb act but I just felt like messaging her) firstly, telling that I apologize for saying foolish words to her previously. I also pointed out to stop communicating with him in any possible way that I do not care about her line of job but just stop inviting him or encouraging him to patronize such acts.

She responded a few hours after and she mentioned that she will do as I say. She informed me that I do not have to worry because she longer works there as her boyfriend (whom she met at work) asked her to stop in that kind of job. She continuously said sorry to me for everything that she did and that my partner knows her limitations in that kind of job and she did not mean anything. She assured me that she knows that he loves us very much and will do anything for our family, she is sure that he will not go back to that place or doings again.

I responded to her that whatever it is that she did or they did together is not her fault because it is her job while it is his choice to do all of those things because of his urges. I am clearly disappointed with what he did and it is a long journey to trust him again. I also congratulate her for not working there anymore. The conversation ended with me saying God bless to her and her family.

I do not know but I felt a sudden emotion of being blessed. I do not know why she ended up with that kind of work but I somehow felt that I am lucky to have not experience those things.

She is just one of those girls who he met there. I know I should have not sent her a message but I initially just wanted to say sorry to her for all the bull that I said. I realized that these girls are not to blame because they are just doing what the line of job requires.

As for my partner, yes, it is still a very long way before I can finally say that I have moved on. Everyday I am trying my best and every night I pray that all these emotions will disappear maybe in the right time.

 

 

TattleTale

deception-is-one-of-the-quickest-ways-to-gain-little-things-and-lose-big-things-quote-1.jpg

Recently I get through my days with half smiles. I look at my son and feel overwhelmed with love but when I look at him, I have all these questions clouding in my mind. I feel helpless. I guess, I´m just not sending out the right vibe lately.

I feel like I was mislead. From 2008 up to the present, I felt like I was deceived to think that I was special but in reality, in his eyes I was just like everyone else, like all these other girls that he met. He met someone younger and broke up with me, I accepted but he came back, he flirted with other girls and I did not see through it and then the last one was the worst, paying some girls to get the attention and the pleasure. I tried my best. I know I was not the perfect girlfriend. I get jealous easily. My temper is short and I hate a lot of things but did I really deserve to be cheated on, to be betrayed and lied on?

I knew a lot of things that I did not say. I tried to understand all those things that he did before.. all those girls that he flirted with. I accepted all his reasons and believed him. I sit there and tolerate all of it because I was in love. He was my first love and I was that hopeless romantic to believe that he can be monogamous but even though I tried to think how possible it is, turns out he cannot. This is him. This is how he is made up.

When I found out everything, especially the last one. I realized that it’s true, all facades fall sometime, then the mask comes off and the real heart is seen. He did exactly what he chose to do. Why did I not see that? I’ve been deceived. I was used.

All these signs was laid flat out in front of me but I was turning my direction back to him. Is this really where I am going? Am I destined to be with someone who wants more than I can give? Am I not enough?

Honestly, I am crawling back and forth, I’m trying to please him everyday but I can sense that I am really tired. I don’t even know if I still love him or I am just scared that I may lose the family that I am building.

 

 

 

Secrets and Lies

“Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior. If a man lies to you, he is behaving badly and unlovingly toward you. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. The words “I love you” are not enough to make up for that. Don’t kid yourself that they are.” 
― Susan ForwardWhen Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
Nowadays, I keep on wondering why he keeps on lying to me. I already knew it, I have proofs, conversation details and other information but whenever I confront him, he would say one thing and the next day he drops a different story and would stick to whichever sounds good.

I wonder if for 8 years, all of the things that I have known and we have shared were real or maybe I have been lied on all throughout? Sometimes, I wake up and tell myself that I am so tired of living with someone who’s fake to me. Sometimes, I wish that I never met him at all and at other days I tell myself that maybe I should not care about what is real or not anymore and pretend that everything is fine just for the sake of my son.

“The rules are simple: they lie to us, we know they’re lying, they know we know they’re lying, but they keep lying to us, and we keep pretending to believe them.”
Elena Gorokhova, A Mountain of Crumbs

It is becoming a habit. Him telling all these lies (or maybe some part is true but nevertheless, mostly were lies) and I pretend to believe them all or just settle to what he is saying to avoid further tension and discussion. I keep on telling myself that these will all pass and time will tell which are the truths and the lies. Eventually everything will complete the pieces.

I remember the time when I tried to confront him and initiate conversations about feeling that something wasn’t right, but at that time I settled for his lame excuses. I was rationalizing…and believed what I was told. My gut was telling me, something was wrong. Each time I asked, I was told I was being “suspicious”, and they were getting tired of me asking them questions about it. I even started second guessing myself.
I thought, Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he really hadn’t been secretly texting or messaging someone from that place, and maybe nothing is really happening inside. But turns out it was the other way, he was lying all these time and shift blaming me for all the things that he chose to do. That’s when I realized that I do not know him anymore, that everything is a make believe and it’s devastating that my son is affected in all of these.

I am honestly afraid. My trust in him has already been crushed. I do not know when I’ll be able to believe in him again but definitely not anytime soon. Everything is shattered but I am here. I chose to come back. Even though it is clear that love is not there anymore. I am trying to make everything work. Every day I am dragging myself to wake up next to a stranger. I am scared as shit everyday. I can’t sleep at night, I keep on wondering what he is doing. Im like a ticking bomb.

Handle name

Yes. I did that. I became part of that site. A prostitution ring. And God,  I wish I didnt know.

During the time when I felt that something is not right,  I used the internet to check on him and one site blew my mind. I contemplated for days,  weeks and even months before I decided to create an account just to see and check up on his activities.

The time that I got in,  validated my account, I explored and maneuvered the forums,  rooms and discussions. It was a disastrous site,  it was where all these girls sell their self,  profoundly showing their skin, with the lustful look and inviting captions. Calling every boy (not man because no real man should be doing or going to these places) a Gentlemaniac. “This is addiction”

All these guys,  posting field reports on how they have tried every girl and sometimes even going into detail of what happened inside these rooms. And all these girls, I know they have their reasons but..It was awful, they will tell you their rates in every position that they will do. I shivered just thinking that he did all of these. I just cannot swallow what I found out that day. It was crippling knowing that my partner,  someone who I believed to be different have tried and wasted his time and money with all these girls just to feel pleasured, the attention, to be in control and superior.

Out of desperation, I even sent messages to these girls (on that site and through my cellphone) asking them one by one every detail that they do. I am somehow finding it hard to accept the fact that all these has been done by him. Different bodies,  different faces, week after week. I was literally on my knees crying while reading all the responses that I got. They hugged,  kissed and God knows the other things. Intimate details that he should only be doing with me.

I will never understand why he chose that path and why he patronized such adulterous acts. And I will never forget what I saw,  what I read and all their faces. It still hurts. Everyday I remember the 5 years that he’s been lying to me. Everytime I wake up,  I pray that I’ll get past all of these. I know it will not be easy but I will get there someday.


Praying for him

Last weekend, I found out something again about his doings. I found out that he has been doing it around 2013 years before I even became pregnant and while we are still together. I was clearly devastated and felt like another pin is being inserted in my throat. I came to the conclusion that he is an “addict”, a maniac. I found out that he never really got out of the circle instead he keeps on creating new accounts, changing username after usernames. I have read that “their inability at healthy attachments and healthy emotional intimacy leads to living a life of secrecy” and that the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the person experiences as unbearable. His actions were not a reflection of my lack, but they were a reflection of his.

I realized that I can no longer do anything about it. It is already in front of me all these time but I was blinded. I swear should I have known it before, I could have been on a much better place today. Away from doubts, regrets and fear. The only thing I am thankful right now is having my son. It’s hard because nowadays, whenever we fight, the things he would say made me feel like my heart was being ripped out. He was speaking lies. Time after time he attacked me, and I would just take it.

I kept on thinking, I kept on analyzing things and the more I think about it. The more I grew empathy for him. I truly feel that he has lots of past and current issues in terms of him self, how he handles his stress or how he reacts to trauma and unusual events. Him waving his sexual indiscretions in front of his family were minor compared to what he must have felt on the inside. Yes he does a lot of things inside the house and he ensures that all our needs are met but it does not give him the right to do such promiscuous acts. Because of all these I cannot help but be scared and feel fear for the safety of our family especially in the status of our health. We are now exposed to different diseases that is connected to it.

Talking to one of my married friends really helped a lot. I started to see things on a different perspective and that is my own viewpoint. I realized that I can no longer help someone who does not want to be helped same as I cannot change someone who does not want to change, as everything will have to start within himself. With this, I started to focus more on myself and my son. Yes, I am still with him, I act as natural as I can and I try not to talk about it anymore, I still do what I needed to do as a partner and as part of the family but the core is about myself and how I can improve myself more.

I have come to a thought that I needed to be busy. I need to do things that will make me enhance my skills, learn new knowledge that I can use someday to earn more and be more relevant. This will also help me not check on him too much both online and personal and what I currently do whenever he goes out or whenever I feel that something is not right is that I pray. I pray for my doubts, insecurities, fears and his weaknesses. Although I prioritized more on myself, I on the other side reached out to God and clung on to Him and prayed for my partner.

I am not the steadfast type of religious person ( “religious” jargon) but every now and then I go to Church and I do pray whenever I have the time. When I was a child, I used to keep a prayer inside my pillow’s case so that I won’t forget to pray especially when I am too tired to do so. I am aware that I am one of those persons who make it a habit to pray whenever I do have any challenges because somehow it makes me feel that I have someone who listens and someone who can grant my wishes and hopes. And now that I am faced with a new set of difficulties I am reaching out again and praying for him.

Although we are not married, I believe this still applies of you really are in a committed relationship and has children, I found the below prayer might be useful:

Heavenly Father,
You are my amazing God. I praise your consistency. You are great all the time. Thank you for the strength You have given me to endure the trauma of learning that my husband is a _____.
Only You know his heart Lord, and I pray that You will speak to his heart. Humble him like he first was in recovery. Open his eyes, Father God, so that he can see You and desire to be Christ like.
Please teach him how to build trust and to love like Jesus, Lord. Your love is perfect and I strive for a love like that in our marriage.
Bring into the light any residual fears, lies, and shame from his addiction so that he can face them and grow into the spiritual leader You want him to be.
Please guide me in my actions as I respond to him. Keep me accountable and true to Your word God.
In Jesus name, I ask You to cast out the enemy’s desire to ruin our family and to ruin each of our lives as individuals in Christ. Satan is not welcome here!
Hebrews 13:4-7
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.
Amen

PRAYER LINK

 

Here at it again

I came back.

I honestly have no idea what will happen days from now or even years but I’m trying to keep my hopes up that things will turn out as what is the best for every one.

I admit, my mind can go cray cray at times but I can never be blamed for anything that happened to him. As I have always mentioned, he chose to go there and whatever he is doing inside, I will never know and I do not intend to know anymore. My mind is at peace that somehow he admitted that he really does go there.

Though, I am still plagued with questions and doubts, I have no choice but to keep it all inside and not talk about anymore. I always tell myself that if ever it happens again, I will not react the same way that I confronted him. I know it will be really hard but I will try my best to set aside my emotions and focus more on my actions. Sometimes, I wonder what goes in his mind, can he really stop or he is finding ways to continue such acts. Well anyway, I have to stop thinking about it and start working on myself first.

I am not perfect. We are not the same. We are totally two different persons but we have the same choice, and it is to make this family work. I hope that whatever happens, we will always have this same objective and it is to keep this family no matter what. I am choosing to stay not because it is convenient, not because of my son but because I have decided that I will not play the blame game anymore. I have come to the realization that I am in charge  of my life in general and how I address the issues that I may encounter. I can only fully live happier once I focused on what matters and what is for the best.

“One of the biggest favors that you can do for yourself is to accept your loved ones for who they are, and not be constantly disappointed because they are not who you think they should be.”
Jennifer O’Neill

Recently, I am trying to accept him as an individual first and not as a father or a husband. For the past years, months and days, I have set my expectations on him. I have been critical on myself and to him. I have always wanted more from him but thinking about it now, I realized that not everything that I want will go as planned and I can not really control his actions and even his thoughts and decisions. We all know that everyone has something good about them. What you can do is to find the redeeming quality and love the person for that.

For the coming days, I only have high hopes for myself in terms of how I will respond to future difficulties may it be about him, my son or our family as a whole. I need to let go of certainty but be open and willing. I need to  condition my mind and body so that happiness is totally within the way I will perceive things and handle rough patches in life.