Family · Love · Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

What happened to Love?

It pains me to know that there are a lot of women or wives who have experience being cheated on by their partners.

What’s more sad is when actually see it with their own eyes. Well, not really on the act of doing it but seeing it online through chats, site or even text messages. It is like a documented version of all those cheating escapades and texts or words can really cut deep more than the physical aspect.

I have been reading a lot about other girls and their experiences. Almost each case is the same. They get married and then somewhere along the way they find out the shenanigans and discover the unusual and immoral personalities of the person whom they believed to have loved them as much as they love them.

Sometimes I wonder how strong is the urge compared to the significance of keeping the family and love that you built and have dreamed of, was it that easy to decide?

 

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How I met him

My partner was my first boyfriend ever. He was my college crush. He plays football and I always saw him at the university field playing. I never expected anything at all, I wasn’t even that vain and that’s why I knew that there’s no way that he’ll notice me.

Well, I see him at the University but not every day but every time I see him I noticed that he has different girlfriend each time. Well, I should have known. One time my friend tried to approach him while he was resting after playing football, to introduce me, but I immediately went away. I was nervous that time. I do not even care to know him, I just liked his face and I am contented just seeing him.

He also have classmates that were in the same block as I am so some of them knows that I have a crush on him but he still has no idea about it. After 2 years, We were 4th year then, while watching basketball at our university court one of my friends saw him, pushed me and told me that she’ll introduce me to him and he was surprised because we even took a picture together. I swallowed all my shyness away.

After that day, he asked my friend for my number and he started courting me. I guess since he was my crush, although a lot of my friends were against him because he is a bit flirty with girls..I did not mind and just shoved it all off and I said to myself  “Why not try?”.

And now, we are 9 years together and with a baby boy.

Well, I always thought that our love story is quite cute, well not until I found out about all his shenanigans.

Family · Journey · Love · Motherhood · Rants · Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

my present future

Before all of these things, before the lies and the secrets, whenever I think about the future, I have this picture of a happy, contented and complete family. I was really looking forward to giving my baby a sister or a brother. I was happy and I feel blessed.

But when it all came out, things change and so did I. Marriage is definitely out of talks. I do not see him marrying me anytime soon or maybe marriage may never happen. I started to accept the fact that I do not want to be tied up with someone who cannot be man and mature enough to take my hand in marriage. I begun to see the future with only me and my baby. I am looking at giving up my career and start a homebased job in which I can financially support and look at my son everyday. I started finding new ways to improve myself, my skills and how to increase my savings so that I’ll be ready for his education and my future with my baby.

It’s disappointing to realize that I will never be married and I will never have the family that I wish to have ever again. Everything is tainted. We’re not even at the middle yet but things are already complicated.

 

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Nightmares

I found everything out last April and honestly it’s only been months since the secrets were out.

Come May, I thought everything will be alright when we talked with his Dad. He promised that he will not open his accounts, talk to anyone from there or even go there.

Then June, I found out that he has another new accounts for both sites. He changed his username and he still opens them and even comments on the threads. He even contacted a Home service Massage that offers the extras. I clearly got devastated, turned into a massive fight and I decided to pack our things and leave.

But days before Mason’s birthday I decided to come back. To make his birthday complete. Although, I always have doubts, I made a decision to not check those sites if he still opens them. I also stopped checking out his Phone for any unusual messages or numbers.

I must admit choosing to stop checking up on him and his actions made everything a lot easier for me to adjust and accept what happened. We still discuss and sometimes fight about it every now and then but not the same way like before.

However, whenever he goes out with friends, I always demand him to update me or send some pictures because things starts to cloud my mind whenever he is away. I keep on thinking that maybe he will go there and do those promiscuous things.

At the back of my mind, I am still in pain and I am scared that sooner or later he will do these things again or even worst. My struggle lately is that I keep having bad dreams about him going into those places and asking some girls to jack him off in front of me, then I will ran crying and cursing.

I cannot sleep for long and I cannot even sleep at night. These dreams wakes me up constantly and it feels so real it’s scary. I wonder when will these things end. I feel so tired.

 

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Talking to her

I know he met a lot of girls for all those years that he went to those places. Different girls, different personalities and different attitudes.

There’s one girl that stuck in my mind. She was one of those girls that he keeps on messaging, asking how she was and has a communication with her.

During one of those few days that I found his secret out, I sent this girl a message telling her all stupid shits so she won’t communicate with him in anyway. Not my usual self. But I guess, they remained their communication although I know that it is plainly about friendship since she has her boyfriend too.

There’s this one day that I saw her sent him a message just asking about something. He said that he will not reply to anyone from there anymore. But, something kept bothering me so since I know her Facebook so I sent her out a message (Yep, I know such a dumb act but I just felt like messaging her) firstly, telling that I apologize for saying foolish words to her previously. I also pointed out to stop communicating with him in any possible way that I do not care about her line of job but just stop inviting him or encouraging him to patronize such acts.

She responded a few hours after and she mentioned that she will do as I say. She informed me that I do not have to worry because she longer works there as her boyfriend (whom she met at work) asked her to stop in that kind of job. She continuously said sorry to me for everything that she did and that my partner knows her limitations in that kind of job and she did not mean anything. She assured me that she knows that he loves us very much and will do anything for our family, she is sure that he will not go back to that place or doings again.

I responded to her that whatever it is that she did or they did together is not her fault because it is her job while it is his choice to do all of those things because of his urges. I am clearly disappointed with what he did and it is a long journey to trust him again. I also congratulate her for not working there anymore. The conversation ended with me saying God bless to her and her family.

I do not know but I felt a sudden emotion of being blessed. I do not know why she ended up with that kind of work but I somehow felt that I am lucky to have not experience those things.

She is just one of those girls who he met there. I know I should have not sent her a message but I initially just wanted to say sorry to her for all the bull that I said. I realized that these girls are not to blame because they are just doing what the line of job requires.

As for my partner, yes, it is still a very long way before I can finally say that I have moved on. Everyday I am trying my best and every night I pray that all these emotions will disappear maybe in the right time.

 

 

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TattleTale

deception-is-one-of-the-quickest-ways-to-gain-little-things-and-lose-big-things-quote-1.jpg

Recently I get through my days with half smiles. I look at my son and feel overwhelmed with love but when I look at him, I have all these questions clouding in my mind. I feel helpless. I guess, I´m just not sending out the right vibe lately.

I feel like I was mislead. From 2008 up to the present, I felt like I was deceived to think that I was special but in reality, in his eyes I was just like everyone else, like all these other girls that he met. He met someone younger and broke up with me, I accepted but he came back, he flirted with other girls and I did not see through it and then the last one was the worst, paying some girls to get the attention and the pleasure. I tried my best. I know I was not the perfect girlfriend. I get jealous easily. My temper is short and I hate a lot of things but did I really deserve to be cheated on, to be betrayed and lied on?

I knew a lot of things that I did not say. I tried to understand all those things that he did before.. all those girls that he flirted with. I accepted all his reasons and believed him. I sit there and tolerate all of it because I was in love. He was my first love and I was that hopeless romantic to believe that he can be monogamous but even though I tried to think how possible it is, turns out he cannot. This is him. This is how he is made up.

When I found out everything, especially the last one. I realized that it’s true, all facades fall sometime, then the mask comes off and the real heart is seen. He did exactly what he chose to do. Why did I not see that? I’ve been deceived. I was used.

All these signs was laid flat out in front of me but I was turning my direction back to him. Is this really where I am going? Am I destined to be with someone who wants more than I can give? Am I not enough?

Honestly, I am crawling back and forth, I’m trying to please him everyday but I can sense that I am really tired. I don’t even know if I still love him or I am just scared that I may lose the family that I am building.

 

 

 

Life · Rants · Relationships · Thoughts · Uncategorized

Secrets and Lies

“Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior. If a man lies to you, he is behaving badly and unlovingly toward you. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. The words “I love you” are not enough to make up for that. Don’t kid yourself that they are.” 
― Susan ForwardWhen Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
Nowadays, I keep on wondering why he keeps on lying to me. I already knew it, I have proofs, conversation details and other information but whenever I confront him, he would say one thing and the next day he drops a different story and would stick to whichever sounds good.

I wonder if for 8 years, all of the things that I have known and we have shared were real or maybe I have been lied on all throughout? Sometimes, I wake up and tell myself that I am so tired of living with someone who’s fake to me. Sometimes, I wish that I never met him at all and at other days I tell myself that maybe I should not care about what is real or not anymore and pretend that everything is fine just for the sake of my son.

“The rules are simple: they lie to us, we know they’re lying, they know we know they’re lying, but they keep lying to us, and we keep pretending to believe them.”
Elena Gorokhova, A Mountain of Crumbs

It is becoming a habit. Him telling all these lies (or maybe some part is true but nevertheless, mostly were lies) and I pretend to believe them all or just settle to what he is saying to avoid further tension and discussion. I keep on telling myself that these will all pass and time will tell which are the truths and the lies. Eventually everything will complete the pieces.

I remember the time when I tried to confront him and initiate conversations about feeling that something wasn’t right, but at that time I settled for his lame excuses. I was rationalizing…and believed what I was told. My gut was telling me, something was wrong. Each time I asked, I was told I was being “suspicious”, and they were getting tired of me asking them questions about it. I even started second guessing myself.
I thought, Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he really hadn’t been secretly texting or messaging someone from that place, and maybe nothing is really happening inside. But turns out it was the other way, he was lying all these time and shift blaming me for all the things that he chose to do. That’s when I realized that I do not know him anymore, that everything is a make believe and it’s devastating that my son is affected in all of these.

I am honestly afraid. My trust in him has already been crushed. I do not know when I’ll be able to believe in him again but definitely not anytime soon. Everything is shattered but I am here. I chose to come back. Even though it is clear that love is not there anymore. I am trying to make everything work. Every day I am dragging myself to wake up next to a stranger. I am scared as shit everyday. I can’t sleep at night, I keep on wondering what he is doing. Im like a ticking bomb.