Nightmares

I found everything out last April and honestly it’s only been months since the secrets were out.

Come May, I thought everything will be alright when we talked with his Dad. He promised that he will not open his accounts, talk to anyone from there or even go there.

Then June, I found out that he has another new accounts for both sites. He changed his username and he still opens them and even comments on the threads. He even contacted a Home service Massage that offers the extras. I clearly got devastated, turned into a massive fight and I decided to pack our things and leave.

But days before Mason’s birthday I decided to come back. To make his birthday complete. Although, I always have doubts, I made a decision to not check those sites if he still opens them. I also stopped checking out his Phone for any unusual messages or numbers.

I must admit choosing to stop checking up on him and his actions made everything a lot easier for me to adjust and accept what happened. We still discuss and sometimes fight about it every now and then but not the same way like before.

However, whenever he goes out with friends, I always demand him to update me or send some pictures because things starts to cloud my mind whenever he is away. I keep on thinking that maybe he will go there and do those promiscuous things.

At the back of my mind, I am still in pain and I am scared that sooner or later he will do these things again or even worst. My struggle lately is that I keep having bad dreams about him going into those places and asking some girls to jack him off in front of me, then I will ran crying and cursing.

I cannot sleep for long and I cannot even sleep at night. These dreams wakes me up constantly and it feels so real it’s scary. I wonder when will these things end. I feel so tired.

 

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A guide for a wife to get rid of her husband’s mistress

Something worth reading

beltwaybangin

I always laugh when women call me with their little threats about “leave my husband alone”…and then I get a text/call from their husband later on apologizing for their wife and asking when we can get together again…I don’t know what these women are thinking but they need to realize the man they married is an adult and will make his own decisions…

First off, if you want the other woman out of your relationship your husband needs to tell her…he is the one who invited me in and should be the one who tells me to leave…if he doesn’t tell me to leave and stick to his guns about it, that should give you a hint about how serious he is about ending the affair…if your husband isn’t serious about getting rid of me…there is absolutely NO WAY for you to get rid of me…

If your husband is…

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Talking to her

I know he met a lot of girls for all those years that he went to those places. Different girls, different personalities and different attitudes.

There’s one girl that stuck in my mind. She was one of those girls that he keeps on messaging, asking how she was and has a communication with her.

During one of those few days that I found his secret out, I sent this girl a message telling her all stupid shits so she won’t communicate with him in anyway. Not my usual self. But I guess, they remained their communication although I know that it is plainly about friendship since she has her boyfriend too.

There’s this one day that I saw her sent him a message just asking about something. He said that he will not reply to anyone from there anymore. But, something kept bothering me so since I know her Facebook so I sent her out a message (Yep, I know such a dumb act but I just felt like messaging her) firstly, telling that I apologize for saying foolish words to her previously. I also pointed out to stop communicating with him in any possible way that I do not care about her line of job but just stop inviting him or encouraging him to patronize such acts.

She responded a few hours after and she mentioned that she will do as I say. She informed me that I do not have to worry because she longer works there as her boyfriend (whom she met at work) asked her to stop in that kind of job. She continuously said sorry to me for everything that she did and that my partner knows her limitations in that kind of job and she did not mean anything. She assured me that she knows that he loves us very much and will do anything for our family, she is sure that he will not go back to that place or doings again.

I responded to her that whatever it is that she did or they did together is not her fault because it is her job while it is his choice to do all of those things because of his urges. I am clearly disappointed with what he did and it is a long journey to trust him again. I also congratulate her for not working there anymore. The conversation ended with me saying God bless to her and her family.

I do not know but I felt a sudden emotion of being blessed. I do not know why she ended up with that kind of work but I somehow felt that I am lucky to have not experience those things.

She is just one of those girls who he met there. I know I should have not sent her a message but I initially just wanted to say sorry to her for all the bull that I said. I realized that these girls are not to blame because they are just doing what the line of job requires.

As for my partner, yes, it is still a very long way before I can finally say that I have moved on. Everyday I am trying my best and every night I pray that all these emotions will disappear maybe in the right time.

 

 

Sexless: Pay for pleasure

I was reading a female forum and I found one forum about “Why Men pay for sex?”.

I do agree that Men have a high level of testosterone and Sex is definitely the last thing on their mind. They may not show it but they do think about it every second, every minute with every girl that they see. No one can control anyone’s hormones and mind. I do not believe that there is a sexless marriage or relationship. Well, they may be few but most men would find a way to fulfill their sexual urges even if it doing it with other girls and not the one they love. Just to get off and release the urge. It’s very accessible nowadays, you get online, like online shopping really. Look for girls that you like, hit them up with a message and viola! you are all set!

I have read in https://www.theguardian.com/ that as per survey most men who pay for sex feel guilt and shame. Thought they are unsatisfied, they still continue with their deed. And some say that they feel empowered when they were able to have sex with someone attractive or so. But mostly these act feeds his sexual desires and freedom. No love just pure sexual pleasure.

But on the other hand, we go down to the person’s Morals and Values. It’s true, Men like sex. Period. However, I do believe that the choice will always be based on his morals and values. On how he was brought up and how he sees such circumstances. If he is weak then he can be tempted easily and would succumb to such doings. On our norms, it is still prostitution, illegal and a socially unacceptable behavior. It’s every where, lucky if you found yourself a man with high morals and values that has the right choice and decisions in such cases.

 

TattleTale

deception-is-one-of-the-quickest-ways-to-gain-little-things-and-lose-big-things-quote-1.jpg

Recently I get through my days with half smiles. I look at my son and feel overwhelmed with love but when I look at him, I have all these questions clouding in my mind. I feel helpless. I guess, I´m just not sending out the right vibe lately.

I feel like I was mislead. From 2008 up to the present, I felt like I was deceived to think that I was special but in reality, in his eyes I was just like everyone else, like all these other girls that he met. He met someone younger and broke up with me, I accepted but he came back, he flirted with other girls and I did not see through it and then the last one was the worst, paying some girls to get the attention and the pleasure. I tried my best. I know I was not the perfect girlfriend. I get jealous easily. My temper is short and I hate a lot of things but did I really deserve to be cheated on, to be betrayed and lied on?

I knew a lot of things that I did not say. I tried to understand all those things that he did before.. all those girls that he flirted with. I accepted all his reasons and believed him. I sit there and tolerate all of it because I was in love. He was my first love and I was that hopeless romantic to believe that he can be monogamous but even though I tried to think how possible it is, turns out he cannot. This is him. This is how he is made up.

When I found out everything, especially the last one. I realized that it’s true, all facades fall sometime, then the mask comes off and the real heart is seen. He did exactly what he chose to do. Why did I not see that? I’ve been deceived. I was used.

All these signs was laid flat out in front of me but I was turning my direction back to him. Is this really where I am going? Am I destined to be with someone who wants more than I can give? Am I not enough?

Honestly, I am crawling back and forth, I’m trying to please him everyday but I can sense that I am really tired. I don’t even know if I still love him or I am just scared that I may lose the family that I am building.

 

 

 

Secrets and Lies

“Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior. If a man lies to you, he is behaving badly and unlovingly toward you. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. The words “I love you” are not enough to make up for that. Don’t kid yourself that they are.” 
― Susan ForwardWhen Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
Nowadays, I keep on wondering why he keeps on lying to me. I already knew it, I have proofs, conversation details and other information but whenever I confront him, he would say one thing and the next day he drops a different story and would stick to whichever sounds good.

I wonder if for 8 years, all of the things that I have known and we have shared were real or maybe I have been lied on all throughout? Sometimes, I wake up and tell myself that I am so tired of living with someone who’s fake to me. Sometimes, I wish that I never met him at all and at other days I tell myself that maybe I should not care about what is real or not anymore and pretend that everything is fine just for the sake of my son.

“The rules are simple: they lie to us, we know they’re lying, they know we know they’re lying, but they keep lying to us, and we keep pretending to believe them.”
Elena Gorokhova, A Mountain of Crumbs

It is becoming a habit. Him telling all these lies (or maybe some part is true but nevertheless, mostly were lies) and I pretend to believe them all or just settle to what he is saying to avoid further tension and discussion. I keep on telling myself that these will all pass and time will tell which are the truths and the lies. Eventually everything will complete the pieces.

I remember the time when I tried to confront him and initiate conversations about feeling that something wasn’t right, but at that time I settled for his lame excuses. I was rationalizing…and believed what I was told. My gut was telling me, something was wrong. Each time I asked, I was told I was being “suspicious”, and they were getting tired of me asking them questions about it. I even started second guessing myself.
I thought, Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he really hadn’t been secretly texting or messaging someone from that place, and maybe nothing is really happening inside. But turns out it was the other way, he was lying all these time and shift blaming me for all the things that he chose to do. That’s when I realized that I do not know him anymore, that everything is a make believe and it’s devastating that my son is affected in all of these.

I am honestly afraid. My trust in him has already been crushed. I do not know when I’ll be able to believe in him again but definitely not anytime soon. Everything is shattered but I am here. I chose to come back. Even though it is clear that love is not there anymore. I am trying to make everything work. Every day I am dragging myself to wake up next to a stranger. I am scared as shit everyday. I can’t sleep at night, I keep on wondering what he is doing. Im like a ticking bomb.

When it’s over

There are days when I wake up and tell myself that it is over. It’s definitely over.

Today is one of those days. 

I feel like I am always being haunted with those places and faces. The rooms and their conversations.

But then I turned around, I see my son sleeping soundly and think to myself that maybe I can still try. I can try for him. 

I prayed and I cried. I did not see my son as a hindrance but a sign of that little hope, that maybe everything can still work out. 

I held him and kissed him. This tiny hope is all I really need right now. 🙂

Mason’s first birthday

I always wanted this blog to be as personal as possible. So here’s a little break from all the drama in my life. 

Last Saturday we celebrated my son’s first birthday (his birthday is today July 3 but we opt to celebrate it last saturday due to our guests schedules. 

We prepared only less than a month for this since we’ll be at jolibee. But I still want to have some personal touch in terms of the giveaways and designs.

We did not expect that many will arrive because not all responded to our facebook invites. Some confirmed and did not come and some arrived with plus one. But good thing,  the place is huge enough for everyone. 

Would not elaborate anymore on the details but here are some of the DIYs..I forgot to take a picture of the banners and stop light post at the entrance :(. Well anyways, here are some photos..

Even my son’s outfit is made by his grandfather and mine is made by my mother of course! 🙂 

It was a great time for everyone. Atleast we had time to forget about our issues and celebrate the birthday of our son. Another milestone to remember. 

Handle name

Yes. I did that. I became part of that site. A prostitution ring. And God,  I wish I didnt know.

During the time when I felt that something is not right,  I used the internet to check on him and one site blew my mind. I contemplated for days,  weeks and even months before I decided to create an account just to see and check up on his activities.

The time that I got in,  validated my account, I explored and maneuvered the forums,  rooms and discussions. It was a disastrous site,  it was where all these girls sell their self,  profoundly showing their skin, with the lustful look and inviting captions. Calling every boy (not man because no real man should be doing or going to these places) a Gentlemaniac. “This is addiction”

All these guys,  posting field reports on how they have tried every girl and sometimes even going into detail of what happened inside these rooms. And all these girls, I know they have their reasons but..It was awful, they will tell you their rates in every position that they will do. I shivered just thinking that he did all of these. I just cannot swallow what I found out that day. It was crippling knowing that my partner,  someone who I believed to be different have tried and wasted his time and money with all these girls just to feel pleasured, the attention, to be in control and superior.

Out of desperation, I even sent messages to these girls (on that site and through my cellphone) asking them one by one every detail that they do. I am somehow finding it hard to accept the fact that all these has been done by him. Different bodies,  different faces, week after week. I was literally on my knees crying while reading all the responses that I got. They hugged,  kissed and God knows the other things. Intimate details that he should only be doing with me.

I will never understand why he chose that path and why he patronized such adulterous acts. And I will never forget what I saw,  what I read and all their faces. It still hurts. Everyday I remember the 5 years that he’s been lying to me. Everytime I wake up,  I pray that I’ll get past all of these. I know it will not be easy but I will get there someday.