TattleTale

deception-is-one-of-the-quickest-ways-to-gain-little-things-and-lose-big-things-quote-1.jpg

Recently I get through my days with half smiles. I look at my son and feel overwhelmed with love but when I look at him, I have all these questions clouding in my mind. I feel helpless. I guess, I´m just not sending out the right vibe lately.

I feel like I was mislead. From 2008 up to the present, I felt like I was deceived to think that I was special but in reality, in his eyes I was just like everyone else, like all these other girls that he met. He met someone younger and broke up with me, I accepted but he came back, he flirted with other girls and I did not see through it and then the last one was the worst, paying some girls to get the attention and the pleasure. I tried my best. I know I was not the perfect girlfriend. I get jealous easily. My temper is short and I hate a lot of things but did I really deserve to be cheated on, to be betrayed and lied on?

I knew a lot of things that I did not say. I tried to understand all those things that he did before.. all those girls that he flirted with. I accepted all his reasons and believed him. I sit there and tolerate all of it because I was in love. He was my first love and I was that hopeless romantic to believe that he can be monogamous but even though I tried to think how possible it is, turns out he cannot. This is him. This is how he is made up.

When I found out everything, especially the last one. I realized that it’s true, all facades fall sometime, then the mask comes off and the real heart is seen. He did exactly what he chose to do. Why did I not see that? I’ve been deceived. I was used.

All these signs was laid flat out in front of me but I was turning my direction back to him. Is this really where I am going? Am I destined to be with someone who wants more than I can give? Am I not enough?

Honestly, I am crawling back and forth, I’m trying to please him everyday but I can sense that I am really tired. I don’t even know if I still love him or I am just scared that I may lose the family that I am building.

 

 

 

Secrets and Lies

“Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active. Love is not just feelings of passion and romance. It is behavior. If a man lies to you, he is behaving badly and unlovingly toward you. He is disrespecting you and your relationship. The words “I love you” are not enough to make up for that. Don’t kid yourself that they are.” 
― Susan ForwardWhen Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
Nowadays, I keep on wondering why he keeps on lying to me. I already knew it, I have proofs, conversation details and other information but whenever I confront him, he would say one thing and the next day he drops a different story and would stick to whichever sounds good.

I wonder if for 8 years, all of the things that I have known and we have shared were real or maybe I have been lied on all throughout? Sometimes, I wake up and tell myself that I am so tired of living with someone who’s fake to me. Sometimes, I wish that I never met him at all and at other days I tell myself that maybe I should not care about what is real or not anymore and pretend that everything is fine just for the sake of my son.

“The rules are simple: they lie to us, we know they’re lying, they know we know they’re lying, but they keep lying to us, and we keep pretending to believe them.”
Elena Gorokhova, A Mountain of Crumbs

It is becoming a habit. Him telling all these lies (or maybe some part is true but nevertheless, mostly were lies) and I pretend to believe them all or just settle to what he is saying to avoid further tension and discussion. I keep on telling myself that these will all pass and time will tell which are the truths and the lies. Eventually everything will complete the pieces.

I remember the time when I tried to confront him and initiate conversations about feeling that something wasn’t right, but at that time I settled for his lame excuses. I was rationalizing…and believed what I was told. My gut was telling me, something was wrong. Each time I asked, I was told I was being “suspicious”, and they were getting tired of me asking them questions about it. I even started second guessing myself.
I thought, Maybe I was making a big deal out of nothing. Maybe he really hadn’t been secretly texting or messaging someone from that place, and maybe nothing is really happening inside. But turns out it was the other way, he was lying all these time and shift blaming me for all the things that he chose to do. That’s when I realized that I do not know him anymore, that everything is a make believe and it’s devastating that my son is affected in all of these.

I am honestly afraid. My trust in him has already been crushed. I do not know when I’ll be able to believe in him again but definitely not anytime soon. Everything is shattered but I am here. I chose to come back. Even though it is clear that love is not there anymore. I am trying to make everything work. Every day I am dragging myself to wake up next to a stranger. I am scared as shit everyday. I can’t sleep at night, I keep on wondering what he is doing. Im like a ticking bomb.

When it’s over

There are days when I wake up and tell myself that it is over. It’s definitely over.

Today is one of those days. 

I feel like I am always being haunted with those places and faces. The rooms and their conversations.

But then I turned around, I see my son sleeping soundly and think to myself that maybe I can still try. I can try for him. 

I prayed and I cried. I did not see my son as a hindrance but a sign of that little hope, that maybe everything can still work out. 

I held him and kissed him. This tiny hope is all I really need right now. 🙂

Mason’s first birthday

I always wanted this blog to be as personal as possible. So here’s a little break from all the drama in my life. 

Last Saturday we celebrated my son’s first birthday (his birthday is today July 3 but we opt to celebrate it last saturday due to our guests schedules. 

We prepared only less than a month for this since we’ll be at jolibee. But I still want to have some personal touch in terms of the giveaways and designs.

We did not expect that many will arrive because not all responded to our facebook invites. Some confirmed and did not come and some arrived with plus one. But good thing,  the place is huge enough for everyone. 

Would not elaborate anymore on the details but here are some of the DIYs..I forgot to take a picture of the banners and stop light post at the entrance :(. Well anyways, here are some photos..

Even my son’s outfit is made by his grandfather and mine is made by my mother of course! 🙂 

It was a great time for everyone. Atleast we had time to forget about our issues and celebrate the birthday of our son. Another milestone to remember. 

Handle name

Yes. I did that. I became part of that site. A prostitution ring. And God,  I wish I didnt know.

During the time when I felt that something is not right,  I used the internet to check on him and one site blew my mind. I contemplated for days,  weeks and even months before I decided to create an account just to see and check up on his activities.

The time that I got in,  validated my account, I explored and maneuvered the forums,  rooms and discussions. It was a disastrous site,  it was where all these girls sell their self,  profoundly showing their skin, with the lustful look and inviting captions. Calling every boy (not man because no real man should be doing or going to these places) a Gentlemaniac. “This is addiction”

All these guys,  posting field reports on how they have tried every girl and sometimes even going into detail of what happened inside these rooms. And all these girls, I know they have their reasons but..It was awful, they will tell you their rates in every position that they will do. I shivered just thinking that he did all of these. I just cannot swallow what I found out that day. It was crippling knowing that my partner,  someone who I believed to be different have tried and wasted his time and money with all these girls just to feel pleasured, the attention, to be in control and superior.

Out of desperation, I even sent messages to these girls (on that site and through my cellphone) asking them one by one every detail that they do. I am somehow finding it hard to accept the fact that all these has been done by him. Different bodies,  different faces, week after week. I was literally on my knees crying while reading all the responses that I got. They hugged,  kissed and God knows the other things. Intimate details that he should only be doing with me.

I will never understand why he chose that path and why he patronized such adulterous acts. And I will never forget what I saw,  what I read and all their faces. It still hurts. Everyday I remember the 5 years that he’s been lying to me. Everytime I wake up,  I pray that I’ll get past all of these. I know it will not be easy but I will get there someday.


What Causes Sexual Addiction?

Why some people, and not others, develop an addiction to sex is poorly understood. Possibly some biochemical abnormality or other brain changes increase risk. The fact that antidepressants and other psychotropic medications have proven effective in treating some people with sex addiction suggests that this might be the case.

Studies indicate that food, abused drugs and sexual interests share a common pathway within our brains’ survival and reward systems. This pathway leads into the area of the brain responsible for our higher thinking, rational thought and judgment.

The brain tells the sex addict that having illicit sex is good the same way it tells others that food is good when they are hungry. These brain changes translate into a sex addict’s preoccupation with sex and exclusion of other interests, compulsive sexual behavior despite negative consequences and failed attempts to limit or terminate sexual behavior.

This biochemical model helps explain why competent, intelligent, goal-directed people can be so easily sidetracked by drugs and sex. The idea that, on a daily basis, a successful mother or father, doctor or businessperson can drop everything to think about sex, scheme about sex, identify sexual opportunities and take advantage of them seems unbelievable. How can this be?

The addicted brain fools the body by producing intense biochemical rewards for this self-destructive behavior.

People addicted to sex get a sense of euphoria from it that seems to go beyond that reported by most people. The sexual experience is not about intimacy. Addicts use sexual activity to seek pleasure, avoid unpleasant feelings or respond to outside stressors, such as work difficulties or interpersonal problems. This is not unlike how an alcoholic uses alcohol. In both instances, any reward gained from the experience soon gives way to guilt, remorse and promises to change.

Research also has found that sex addicts often come from dysfunctional families and are more likely than non-sex addicts to have been abused. One study found that 82 percent of sex addicts reported being sexually abused as children. Sex addicts often describe their parents as rigid, distant and uncaring. These families, including the addicts themselves, are more likely to be substance abusers. One study found that 80 percent of recovering sex addicts report some type of addiction in their families of origin.

Praying for him

Last weekend, I found out something again about his doings. I found out that he has been doing it around 2013 years before I even became pregnant and while we are still together. I was clearly devastated and felt like another pin is being inserted in my throat. I came to the conclusion that he is an “addict”, a maniac. I found out that he never really got out of the circle instead he keeps on creating new accounts, changing username after usernames. I have read that “their inability at healthy attachments and healthy emotional intimacy leads to living a life of secrecy” and that the pursuit of sex is in service of a different goal─ to dispel feelings of inadequacy, depression, anxiety, rage or other feelings that the person experiences as unbearable. His actions were not a reflection of my lack, but they were a reflection of his.

I realized that I can no longer do anything about it. It is already in front of me all these time but I was blinded. I swear should I have known it before, I could have been on a much better place today. Away from doubts, regrets and fear. The only thing I am thankful right now is having my son. It’s hard because nowadays, whenever we fight, the things he would say made me feel like my heart was being ripped out. He was speaking lies. Time after time he attacked me, and I would just take it.

I kept on thinking, I kept on analyzing things and the more I think about it. The more I grew empathy for him. I truly feel that he has lots of past and current issues in terms of him self, how he handles his stress or how he reacts to trauma and unusual events. Him waving his sexual indiscretions in front of his family were minor compared to what he must have felt on the inside. Yes he does a lot of things inside the house and he ensures that all our needs are met but it does not give him the right to do such promiscuous acts. Because of all these I cannot help but be scared and feel fear for the safety of our family especially in the status of our health. We are now exposed to different diseases that is connected to it.

Talking to one of my married friends really helped a lot. I started to see things on a different perspective and that is my own viewpoint. I realized that I can no longer help someone who does not want to be helped same as I cannot change someone who does not want to change, as everything will have to start within himself. With this, I started to focus more on myself and my son. Yes, I am still with him, I act as natural as I can and I try not to talk about it anymore, I still do what I needed to do as a partner and as part of the family but the core is about myself and how I can improve myself more.

I have come to a thought that I needed to be busy. I need to do things that will make me enhance my skills, learn new knowledge that I can use someday to earn more and be more relevant. This will also help me not check on him too much both online and personal and what I currently do whenever he goes out or whenever I feel that something is not right is that I pray. I pray for my doubts, insecurities, fears and his weaknesses. Although I prioritized more on myself, I on the other side reached out to God and clung on to Him and prayed for my partner.

I am not the steadfast type of religious person ( “religious” jargon) but every now and then I go to Church and I do pray whenever I have the time. When I was a child, I used to keep a prayer inside my pillow’s case so that I won’t forget to pray especially when I am too tired to do so. I am aware that I am one of those persons who make it a habit to pray whenever I do have any challenges because somehow it makes me feel that I have someone who listens and someone who can grant my wishes and hopes. And now that I am faced with a new set of difficulties I am reaching out again and praying for him.

Although we are not married, I believe this still applies of you really are in a committed relationship and has children, I found the below prayer might be useful:

Heavenly Father,
You are my amazing God. I praise your consistency. You are great all the time. Thank you for the strength You have given me to endure the trauma of learning that my husband is a _____.
Only You know his heart Lord, and I pray that You will speak to his heart. Humble him like he first was in recovery. Open his eyes, Father God, so that he can see You and desire to be Christ like.
Please teach him how to build trust and to love like Jesus, Lord. Your love is perfect and I strive for a love like that in our marriage.
Bring into the light any residual fears, lies, and shame from his addiction so that he can face them and grow into the spiritual leader You want him to be.
Please guide me in my actions as I respond to him. Keep me accountable and true to Your word God.
In Jesus name, I ask You to cast out the enemy’s desire to ruin our family and to ruin each of our lives as individuals in Christ. Satan is not welcome here!
Hebrews 13:4-7
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?” Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith.
Amen

PRAYER LINK

 

Dealing with uncertainty

I mentioned in my last post that I will start to focus on my own actions and my emotions in terms of conflicts and misunderstandings. But, I keep on wondering, what if I managed to do that but the other side of the relationship is still struggling and weak.

I have read that if you are involved with a weak man, you will always end up sharing him. I can continuously confront all the girls online but he will  be back on the game the next day. I realized that I’ve been experiencing this all this time, all the red flags but I was heavily blinded. I do not have any control on his actions and I cannot always see what he is doing when he is left alone.

I am scared that I’ll be tired of competing with other women. I’m scared that my love won’t even be enough to save him from being someone who is not right. I have read that Wandering eye, pornography, texting females, chatting online with (female) strangers, spends so much time or obsession with social networking sites, secret email password, takes his phone with him everywhere, cheating, lying, the list goes on.
Other signs: irritability even if you did not do anything wrong, abusive behaviour, physical violence, etc. all shows someone who is sexually addicted or psychotic and it’s a threat, to me and my son. I’m scared that I may end up someone who I am not  and I am scared that my son might see all of these and cannot even do anything to help.

I have made a promise that I’ll start it within  me, I’ll continue my job to love him as his partner but when the last straw is out. I will definitely find another man strong enough not to make all these girls my competition in the first place.

 

Connecting..

It has been days since I came back. We’ll as I can see it, everything seems to be back to normal. I am trying to focus on Mason’s upcoming birthday, buying things and being creative with all the DIYs. After this, I need to find new things to keep me busy and not think about the past, maybe I can try to learn how to sew or bake.

Anyway, since we came back, communication has been really limited to the things to do for our Son’s 1st birthday to what to eat for lunch, dinner and my son’s overall mood. Whenever I try to ask questions other than our baby, it seems that I do not really believe him anymore. I had this feeling that everything is a lie. Its hard because I know that he is trying but I just cant give my full trust to him. Sometimes, I know the real answer, I ask him the question and see if he will tell the truth and most of the time he is lying.

Nowadays he is occupied with computer games and even games on his cellphone. He keeps on playing even when we are talking, eating or even just watching TV. I don’t know if this is his way to refrain from chatting and opening the sites or going to those places. But, technically communication is rough and minimal.

I honestly do not know when or how we’ll patch things up. But as I have mentioned before, I’ll definitely start with my self both physically and emotionally.