Random Thoughts: Flirting or Cheating?

Well, would you be fine with your Special someone flirting with other girls?

Some women may say that ‘oh its okay as long as nothing physical happens’,  ‘he is like that to everyone’, ‘its nothing serious’. With these,  some might accept the fact that their husband or boyfriend is just a little flirty.

But come to think of it. Flirting is already a red flag. There is no such thing as full blown cheating,  it will always start somewhere and flirting is one of those. Sometimes, the saying “once you start,  you cant stop” applies.

my present future

Before all of these things, before the lies and the secrets, whenever I think about the future, I have this picture of a happy, contented and complete family. I was really looking forward to giving my baby a sister or a brother. I was happy and I feel blessed.

But when it all came out, things change and so did I. Marriage is definitely out of talks. I do not see him marrying me anytime soon or maybe marriage may never happen. I started to accept the fact that I do not want to be tied up with someone who cannot be man and mature enough to take my hand in marriage. I begun to see the future with only me and my baby. I am looking at giving up my career and start a homebased job in which I can financially support and look at my son everyday. I started finding new ways to improve myself, my skills and how to increase my savings so that I’ll be ready for his education and my future with my baby.

It’s disappointing to realize that I will never be married and I will never have the family that I wish to have ever again. Everything is tainted. We’re not even at the middle yet but things are already complicated.

 

Nightmares

I found everything out last April and honestly it’s only been months since the secrets were out.

Come May, I thought everything will be alright when we talked with his Dad. He promised that he will not open his accounts, talk to anyone from there or even go there.

Then June, I found out that he has another new accounts for both sites. He changed his username and he still opens them and even comments on the threads. He even contacted a Home service Massage that offers the extras. I clearly got devastated, turned into a massive fight and I decided to pack our things and leave.

But days before Mason’s birthday I decided to come back. To make his birthday complete. Although, I always have doubts, I made a decision to not check those sites if he still opens them. I also stopped checking out his Phone for any unusual messages or numbers.

I must admit choosing to stop checking up on him and his actions made everything a lot easier for me to adjust and accept what happened. We still discuss and sometimes fight about it every now and then but not the same way like before.

However, whenever he goes out with friends, I always demand him to update me or send some pictures because things starts to cloud my mind whenever he is away. I keep on thinking that maybe he will go there and do those promiscuous things.

At the back of my mind, I am still in pain and I am scared that sooner or later he will do these things again or even worst. My struggle lately is that I keep having bad dreams about him going into those places and asking some girls to jack him off in front of me, then I will ran crying and cursing.

I cannot sleep for long and I cannot even sleep at night. These dreams wakes me up constantly and it feels so real it’s scary. I wonder when will these things end. I feel so tired.

 

Reality bites: Trust

Trusting someone. Do we really need to trust someone? Is it that important? Can you really trust someone wholeheartedly? Without any questions and doubts? Are you brave enough to take a risk and trust someone?

I’ve been betrayed many times, by my friends, special someone and even a family member.

Different aspects and levels but still.. I was betrayed.

The feeling is nothing but awful, it’s like letting them bite you in the ass.  It’s exposing yourself out in the open and letting them have a feast.

Trust makes you vulnerable but it also opens us to new possibilities and chances. If you trust too much, you will be deceived and if not you’ll just let the opportunities pass. You have to remind yourself not to open up and be too honest with people. They said that “The best proof of love is trust”, therefore you have to trust yourself in order to love yourself. I can’t really apply that on relationships though because for me Trust in relationships are a bit overrated and overused that it becomes vague and meaningless.

I think that trusting is not about the other person, it’s not about how good he/she treats you because I can assure you that.. someday, somehow they will betray you in any way without you even knowing it.

I’m not a hater neither am I a bitter person, I just lack the will to trust others anymore. I believe that it’s important to trust God first and then yourself.

Cursed is the man who trusts in man And makes flesh his strength, Whose heart departs from the Lord.” Jeremiah 17:5