Fresh Air: What the truth feels like

Prior to what I found out months ago. For the past years, I had been feeling doubtful about him, about his feelings for me and mostly about our relationship. I always felt like something is missing, like there is some hindrance or vast of ocean that separates us both emotionally and physically. I have always felt like I’ve been sharing him with somebody or someone, I just do not know it yet..

Even after I got pregnant and we lived together, I had that same feelings and nothing changed until I found out everything.

I do not know when it all happened, but somehow, gradually, one morning, I became calm. I must admit, when the truth came out, now that I have all the details, and after his confessions.. I felt a whole new level of calmness and ease. It is like getting to know him all over again. I started to feel that everything was okay. I no longer have the urge to check his phone, his accounts and what he is doing time after time. I no longer care, doubts have lessen, and I guess, women’s instinct is real.

I don’t know how but finding out about it, right now, there’s a certain feeling of contentment, a fresh air.

Something new: Make up

I have been so busy these past few months. A lot of things happened and i was not able to keep track with most of it. But, on a general perspective I learned something new and something about myself.

For the past months, as I have written here in my personal blog,  i suffered from betrayal and my self confidence dropped into its all time low. I felt unattractive and for the first time,  I felt anxious.

Then, I started to focus on myself,  although weightloss is still a struggle (my weight is still within the normal side but I really want to loose all those tummy fats!!) I decided to do something new to myself, to redeem my lost confidence and the feeling of being ugly. It all started one day when I was browsing youtube and started seeing make up vlogs. How tos here and there. I clicked Michelle Dy’s one vlog about simple on the go make up and I had this lightbulb moment!

You see,  i really do not know how to use make up. Powder foundation and lipstick that’s it and im good to go. For 29 years that was my mantra. I never plucked my eyebrows, never put eyeliner all by myself and only wears full make up on big occasions (well,  of course some else does the make up) So make up was a bit out of my league and I was really scared at first.

Next day,  I bought my first ever eyebrow pencil from etude. I initially had different trials and errors from shaving or plucking my eyebrows but after so many attempts and too many pencil drawings, weeks passed (yes weeks!) I was finally able to perfect my brows! (Well,  not perfect but something the perfectly fits my preference!) 

Then everything went too fast! I started buying make up online,  next was the eyeliner from skinpotions,  the meowliner. They were marketing it as an easy way to perfect the winged eyeliner by stamping your way to it and then connecting it to your liners. I was surprised at how easy it is to use. I used to think that I will never ever learn how to use it but I was able to do it! 

The next thing on my list was a lip tint! I love lipsticks but I really think that lip tints are more natural to look at and easier to use. I bought my constant companion from banilla co. Then as the days move,  my make up kit started to get full. I then bought a new powder foundation loreal infallible, and my favorite so far caresse cushion lip gradation from loreal! Really want to buy every color but it is so expensive! It became my go to blush on and lip gradation after putting on my liptint. Also bought a new eyebrow pencil from loreal (i love loreal!) And finally the last one that I bought was a mascara from mumuso.

There are still so much from my make up list that I wanted to buy and learn how to use,  highlighted palette, liquid foundation and eye shadow pallete and other essentials.

A lot of people started to notice (especially at work) that somethings is new especially on my appearance. It really feels great to received compliments on how I look and how my look have improved. I been receiving positive feedbacks like “oh your brows looked good!”,  ” what did you use with your eye? I liked it!”.

I used to think that make up is only for those who have low confidence (maybe due to pimples or skin conditions to cover them up) or for those who just wants attention but based from my experience,  make up can not only change or enhance you facial features but mostly it helps someone to somehow fix on what’s inside of him or her. 

Make up really helped me a lot during those times that I was about to lose everything. So glad that I am better than before because I was able to divert my negative feelings and create something for myself by using and learning how to use make up. 

Now,  I have high respect and I admire every women who chose to wear make up (that does not mean that I think less of those who do not use any!!) Natural beauty is and will always be the best,  make ups are there to enhance and give emphasis to the beauty that was given not only outside but definitely on the inside. 

Random Thoughts: Flirting or Cheating?

Well, would you be fine with your Special someone flirting with other girls?

Some women may say that ‘oh its okay as long as nothing physical happens’,  ‘he is like that to everyone’, ‘its nothing serious’. With these,  some might accept the fact that their husband or boyfriend is just a little flirty.

But come to think of it. Flirting is already a red flag. There is no such thing as full blown cheating,  it will always start somewhere and flirting is one of those. Sometimes, the saying “once you start,  you cant stop” applies.

my present future

Before all of these things, before the lies and the secrets, whenever I think about the future, I have this picture of a happy, contented and complete family. I was really looking forward to giving my baby a sister or a brother. I was happy and I feel blessed.

But when it all came out, things change and so did I. Marriage is definitely out of talks. I do not see him marrying me anytime soon or maybe marriage may never happen. I started to accept the fact that I do not want to be tied up with someone who cannot be man and mature enough to take my hand in marriage. I begun to see the future with only me and my baby. I am looking at giving up my career and start a homebased job in which I can financially support and look at my son everyday. I started finding new ways to improve myself, my skills and how to increase my savings so that I’ll be ready for his education and my future with my baby.

It’s disappointing to realize that I will never be married and I will never have the family that I wish to have ever again. Everything is tainted. We’re not even at the middle yet but things are already complicated.

 

Nightmares

I found everything out last April and honestly it’s only been months since the secrets were out.

Come May, I thought everything will be alright when we talked with his Dad. He promised that he will not open his accounts, talk to anyone from there or even go there.

Then June, I found out that he has another new accounts for both sites. He changed his username and he still opens them and even comments on the threads. He even contacted a Home service Massage that offers the extras. I clearly got devastated, turned into a massive fight and I decided to pack our things and leave.

But days before Mason’s birthday I decided to come back. To make his birthday complete. Although, I always have doubts, I made a decision to not check those sites if he still opens them. I also stopped checking out his Phone for any unusual messages or numbers.

I must admit choosing to stop checking up on him and his actions made everything a lot easier for me to adjust and accept what happened. We still discuss and sometimes fight about it every now and then but not the same way like before.

However, whenever he goes out with friends, I always demand him to update me or send some pictures because things starts to cloud my mind whenever he is away. I keep on thinking that maybe he will go there and do those promiscuous things.

At the back of my mind, I am still in pain and I am scared that sooner or later he will do these things again or even worst. My struggle lately is that I keep having bad dreams about him going into those places and asking some girls to jack him off in front of me, then I will ran crying and cursing.

I cannot sleep for long and I cannot even sleep at night. These dreams wakes me up constantly and it feels so real it’s scary. I wonder when will these things end. I feel so tired.

 

Painful truth

Some say that the truth hurts. Yes the truth hurts especially if someone keeps on denying it. But, after all is said and done, once the truth is laid down, you will not feel anything anymore (after all the crying and dwelling) You’ll go numb and questions will start filling you mind and I got really scared.

I tried to listen, but reasons are made up with words and the real reason is somewhere between those lines and his mind. Sometimes reasons are made to protect one’s self. He blamed me for everything. That’s when I realized that people will try to put the fault to anyone for their own actions and that’s what strucked me the most. Do I get all the credit for these wrong acts? Do I really need to take the blame for his decisions? Yes I hope so, so that when I tried to change, he’ll changed too. Simple as that.
I am proud of him, i always boast him to my colleagues and friends. I tell then that aside from his work he has another project (which i found out that he really is not going to work but goes to those places, funny that I even encourage him to go to his project weekly). He is sweet even though im always hot tempered. He cooks for me, give gifts, says sweet words out of the blue and takes care of our baby even while working. He is a real father figure, everyday, I feel thankful that he is there to take care of my baby. But, after all this, its devastating to know that he is another person behind my back. Someone who goes with a handle name and a story to tell. A total stranger. Sick.

All those time and money he invested in such places, could have been invested in enhancing his skills and knowledge, he can even have new friends with same passion by attending seminars And trainings. If you really want to be successful, no ifs and buts, you make a way to have it. And we could have been more proud than ever. I really thought he is smarter than this. He tells me he wants us to get married in the church, he keeps on telling me that he will save money But his money is being exhausted to his unusual vice and by that, so far, I do not see any wedding To happen any time soon.

For the past few days, all those crying, screaming and flying rockers and toys. I realized that he is very weak. Not only in terms of his urges and sexual desires but He is still weak in handling his own emotions and decisions. I loved him and its disappointing to see him wreck this family with those kinds of decisions. As what his dad said, the father is the one who carries the family, if  he goes to those kinds of places this means that he is also dragging us to immorality. I feel sad for our son! (It sucks!)

My mentor told me that she learned that you have to have 3 mentors in your life. First is your mentor in your career. This person will help you to shape what you really want in terms of your career and future goals. He’ll open you to the different options that you can have and enhance your passion and skills. Another is your life Mentor, someone you confide in all you life and personal concerns, someone you look up to and would encourage you to take the best decisions in your life and lastly your Rock. If all else fails, your rock will be there to pick up the pieces and help you stand up and grow to be the best person that you can be. I want to be his rock. I would like to be his rock but he is finding for a different rock somewhere along those places.

Looking back on the past few days, I am very tired already, Im sure he is too. We are both tired. Our love is slowly dying and our family is at risk. I would like to help him get back on track but if he keeps on changing his directions, I guess that’s the time to move on and find my own Rock, no more ifs and buts. 

Living on the brink

I hope it was that easy.

I was scrolling facebook and found an article about cheating husbands. Nope, it was not about the usual cheating of a man being truly in love with another woman aside from his wife. But a man that longs for attention and finds it in some women who offers sexual encounters in exchange of cash and when confronted he’ll play the “deny till you die” game maybe because of pride and shame.

I feel real bad, something more of a rope wrapped around my neck, yes that bad. Red flags are not red flags anymore because I know for sure, his reasons are different everytime. Short tempered, over reacting to things, losing patience and unusual walks, grab history and text messages. I know something is not right with him and I know that its not my fault. All these are just part of his sick frustrations, sexual desires, seeking for attention and longings for the thrill.

I honestly felt sorry for him, I wish I could help him. I just hope he’ll realized that all these girls are just a facade and a waste of time and money. By availing He’s even encouraging these women to continue working in a so called “business”that is more of an animal business. Flesh and bone. All these Money that could have been saved for the future and time that could have been spent with me and my son.

Our family is on the edge. Nothing can stop this fall except him And no one can help him but himself. I tried to protect him but time will come and all of these efforts will be gone to waste if he’ll continue with these short time pleasures. I hope he’ll realize it sooner because someday everything that he is trying to build will come crashing down before his very eyes and I sure hope he’s prepared.

Quick post: Hornswoggle

“To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.” – Soren Kierkegaard”

What is it about movies about cheating here in the Philippines? They’re coming like chicken laying eggs or something. I’m not sure If they want people to learn a lesson about not cheating or teaching them how to. I really don’t know, and what I don’t understand is that why do people cheat? If you don’t love the other person, leave and move on. Find a new one and be happy, isn’t it easier? 

I’ve been cheated and I still don’t know why and how it happened but what I do know is that it is awful. The feeling is awful and it’s taking advantage. It’s misleading and everyone who’s involve is a loser. It’s just funny to know that people loves feeling pain and being hurt. It’s never the easy way out.