Breaking the rules

Today, i am crying. I am devastated and disappointed. Im thinking over and over again. Analyzing, contemplating. I am trying hard to be open minded but i can’t, i could not. I really do not understand what is happening and why is it happening. Is there anything wrong with me? Would anything be much better if i had known this then? 

The pain is fresh. A reopened wound. Traumatized. I do not understand. I am looking for reasons, reasons that i will not have now, i dont know when but definitely not now. The timing is bad and the situation is a blur. We are a mess once again. 

We were almost there. I almost believed you. I Thank God for this sign. Am I ready? 😦


Quick post: Glassy eyed

I am unhappy, I’m not sure where I am going. 

It seems like I’m wandering to nowhere and I can’t even trace my own shadow. I’m desolated and puzzled. I have no motivation at all. It’s in my mind but I can’t do a thing about it. I lack trust in myself and as well with everything around me. When will I have inspiration and impulse to do all the things that I want?! 

Far worse, humiliation.

I’m the kind of person who likes attention, not all the time but maybe most of the time, especially for positive kind of attention. But what if that attention is an act of degradation?

Here comes Humiliation.

Humiliation (also called stultification) is the abasement of pride, which creates mortification or leads to a state of being humbled or reduced to lowliness or submission. It can be brought about through bullyingintimidation, physical or mental mistreatment or trickery, or by embarrassment if a person is revealed to have committed a socially or legally unacceptable act.

Just the other day, I experienced one of the most unforgettable attention that I’ve had since I was born. I can’t even remember when was the last time that my parents humiliated me and made me look like a complete crap. They may get mad at me or shout at me in front of other people but it’s okay and that’s the only kind of humiliation that I can handle it, it’s acceptable because they are my parents. I would not be existing for the past 24 years if not for them.

What happened to me was more of an embarrassment, the shame you feel when your inadequacy or guilt is made in public. The feeling that people were looking at you confused and full of questions as of what’s happening. The moment wherein your self esteem is slowly digging six feet under and you just can’t help but cry. You try to smile and laugh to counter your emotions but the negative ones are winning.  Never did I imagine or expect that it will happen to me, especially by one of the person whom I care the most. I know that, that person did not really intend what happened. I know that, that person was just taken over by anger and great sense of emotion. That person got hurt too. However, I can’t seem to get away with that situation. I don’t want it to happen again ever.

It’s not really about how people saw me or how they understood and reacted to what happened. It was all about how I felt that time, how that person made me feel. How degraded and low I was. I’m not angry, I made a mistake too.. it’s just that I’m scared that this will happen again. What will happen the next time? Far worse than humiliation? I hope not.

Now, what would you feel if I do the same thing to you?

“The humiliation that Jane had felt turned to something else–grief perhaps, or regret. Regret that she had not known how to act with a boy, regret that she had not been wiser.”
― Beverly ClearyFifteen

Shake it out

Since I was feeling a little rejected today. I was trying to distract myself with other things by listening to music, and then suddenly this song came up on my playlist. (I like Katharine’s Version).

Anyway, this song is amazing. Clearly about your failures and bad memories affecting you today. Stop dragging them around and shake them out! It was kind of like, ‘Shake yourself out of it, things will be okay’.

It’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So, shake him off!

So, I realized that it’s a way of life and if I let it go on too long, it will only get worse. It will fester and multiply. Who wants that anyway? I know that I did my best and that’s really what matters most. It’s not really a big deal but I got really disappointed. Oh well, I can always try again.

“My fault, my failure, is not in the passions I have, but in my lack of control of them.”
— Jack Kerouac

Tell me more about

I really have a short temper and patience. I get really stubborn at times too. I always wanted things to go my way and if it will not, I will surely be disappointed.

When people ask you of what they wanted you to do, and you try your best to make it happen but at the end of the day, they are the ones who will be backing out and make other plans. Ahh.. that’s what really pisses me off. You shouldn’t have asked in the first place. I just wasted my time, effort and sometimes money. That really sucks!

I’m not really good in making plans but when I want it I really try to do it even without anyone’s help. I can get really frustrated at times, so it doubles my frustrations and disappointments whenever it doesn’t work out. Oh life!