Anxiety hits

For the past months..I’ve been constantly battling anxiety. There are better days and there are days where I can’t even keep up.

My anxiety consists of sleeping and waking up in the middle of the night looking for something, looking for him or at times I cannot even sleep because i feel like I cannot breathe or I wont be able to breathe when I sleep. This has been happening frequently for the past few months and i somehow used to it. I usually catch up some sleep when my mom is around. I feel somewhat relieved when she’s here with us.

But lately, especially after new year, I felt that my frequents became my usual and the attacks are more intense and combinations of feeling nauseous, shortness of breath and unable to sleep even though my head is already aching and screaming for sleep. When Im lucky I get to fall asleep but then nightmares are there and im up again. At times, I cry, I cry just to let everything out. It helps but not all the time.

I do not want to think about it anymore. But maybe because these are the same months and days from last year when I had those surge of emotions and everything kept coming back, haunting me up until now.

I just hope that I’ll be able to handle all of these because I know that if this will not stop, I might end up into a black hole and never come back.

Four letter word: WORK

Today was my first day at my new work. I got a job as a Staff Nurse in a Mall Clinic. I just feel so blessed!

I almost got late because of the heavy traffic, I decided to get out of the jeepney and walk since it’s just a few steps away. When I got inside the clinic, I felt so astonished and hesistant. Why? First, is this is my first time to work or apply my knowledge as a nurse in a clinic based setting. Next is the fact that, I’ve been out of Nursing for almost 2 years and this time I’m only laying it all to my stock knowledge. And lastly, I  got 3 huge pimples that makes me so apprehensive and reluctant. =(

The staffs are really nice and so are the doctors, but sometimes I get uneasy whenever I try to approach them. Still needs to observe how they socialize and talk to everybody. When I got home, I was really tired and I felt my legs and feet are aching from too much standing. I haven’t felt that for years, the last time was when I was still a volunteer at a Public Hospital.

I just hope that as time goes by, I will be able to catch up and be confident in what I do. I’m excited to apply all the things that I learned especially in my University days. Wish me luck!

Hard work certainly goes a long way. These days a lot of people work hard, so you have to make sure you work even harder and really dedicate yourself to what you are doing and setting out to achieve

Reality bites: Trust

Trusting someone. Do we really need to trust someone? Is it that important? Can you really trust someone wholeheartedly? Without any questions and doubts? Are you brave enough to take a risk and trust someone?

I’ve been betrayed many times, by my friends, special someone and even a family member.

Different aspects and levels but still.. I was betrayed.

The feeling is nothing but awful, it’s like letting them bite you in the ass.  It’s exposing yourself out in the open and letting them have a feast.

Trust makes you vulnerable but it also opens us to new possibilities and chances. If you trust too much, you will be deceived and if not you’ll just let the opportunities pass. You have to remind yourself not to open up and be too honest with people. They said that “The best proof of love is trust”, therefore you have to trust yourself in order to love yourself. I can’t really apply that on relationships though because for me Trust in relationships are a bit overrated and overused that it becomes vague and meaningless.

I think that trusting is not about the other person, it’s not about how good he/she treats you because I can assure you that.. someday, somehow they will betray you in any way without you even knowing it.

I’m not a hater neither am I a bitter person, I just lack the will to trust others anymore. I believe that it’s important to trust God first and then yourself.

Cursed is the man who trusts in man And makes flesh his strength, Whose heart departs from the Lord.” Jeremiah 17:5

Uttered or unexpressed

Is it just me or is prayer sometimes a little weird?  I mean I believe we should pray and I like to pray but there are times when I am just stuck and can’t find the words to say to HIM. I mean what can I say to the Creator of everything that He already doesn’t know?  I don’t know maybe it’s just me but sometimes praying is really difficult for me. 

When we pray to God we must be seeking nothing – nothing.  ~Saint Francis of Assisi

Dreams say what they mean

Lately, I’ve been having such weird dreams and whenever I had a dream, I always try to decipher, interpret or give meanings to my own dreams. Sometimes, I also ask some of my friends but still they come out undone.

My dreams usually varies from different situations and sometimes I get multiple dreams in one night. And that makes me more confused. So, while wondering about what my dreams means, I tried looking for some answers through the internet. I found this site www.sleeps.com. They explained the meaning of dreams in a more simple way, according to them, your brain mind and spirit, while at rest “review” and analysis in it’s own way long term, short term and spirit memory. It kicks around emotions, thoughts, ideas, actions and interactions of the short term memory. It has in it’s background the trends of your life and philosophy to influence it. Your mind is also processing spiritual data, your beliefs, whether or not you violated them, your information gained through psychic intuition (we ALL have this to a certain degree) and of course, any communication from God. ALL THIS data, as well as your subconscious “reading between the lines” of what people do and tell you, is then processed unsupervised by you! All this data is a form of chaos, and your mind (like seeing images in wood grain or clouds) puts it all together in a form of visual “screenplay”, a medley of sight, sound,emotion and imagined interactivity. The end result is…. You guessed it, a dream!

So, based on this, dreams doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a premonition of what will happen or what is about to happen but it’s a summary of all the factors of your life and spirits and how you feel about them.

Like one of my friends say, maybe I was just thinking so hard about my problems and solutions to those problems. I guess, she’s right. Right now I’ve been having phases of vulnerabilities and these includes my family and career problems. Maybe I was just pondering too much on these things. I think that The best thing about dreams is that it is a fleeting moment, when you are between asleep and awake, when you don’t know the difference between reality and fantasy and you really felt that it’s the reality, it’s magic! Unless the dream is disappointing though, I wouldn’t think about it that way.

Oh well, I just hope these dreams will not become nightmares!