Quick Look Through my Month

Whew its been a long since I blogged and I must say I didn’t really miss it.LOL

But I realized one thing, when I write its mostly because I am overwhelmed with feelings (good or bad) that I sometimes cannot contain it, I end up writing about it and it makes me feel relieved to somehow let go of the things that I am feeling. Nothing negative here, it really just shows how writing can make me feel and It helps most of the time.

 

For the Past Month, I have been super busy. A lot of celebrations happened inside and outside of our family. But, the most memorable one was celebrating Mason’s Third Birthday.

We had prepare a lot of dinosaur things and gifts for him. He had an amazing Three-rex birthday (totally obsessed with dinosaurs!)

He also celebrated his birthday at his School.

Yeap! Nothing grand, just pure happiness and celebration of his life with us.

He has improved a lot!! Even his teacher says this to me all the time. He is becoming very naughty too.

Although some of his actions is really frustrating, he brings too much joy so I end up letting it all go. 🙂

 

Another thing is, I’ve been saving a lot but I am also in debt!!

Adulting and Parenthood is really not a joke. There are bills everywhere!!!

Just thinking about all those single Moms out there makes me feel sad. I am just so thankful that I have Bryan to share all this financial needs with.

It’s hard to be a Mom and give everything to him (and for myself!) But, I really like to move on from all this debt too. Hmp. I am working on it and hopefully before the year ends, I’ll get back on track.

Life without a Yaya

I get questioned a lot on how we manage to raise a toddler amidst not having a Yaya or helper.

I’m telling you it’s hard! Try asking my partner! Lol

It’s not that we don’t like having someone to help us or we cannot afford one. It’s just that nowadays its hard to find someone who can be trusted. Lucky are those who were able to find a reliable one.

Right now here’s our doable schedule:

Monday and Friday, (I requested for an earlier shift thanks to my managers!) I go to work at 11am and by 9pm I get to go home and once I’m home, Bryan will start his work, take note, he’ll work right after he looked after Mason All day! (Dads are really superheroes)

Then Tuesday to Thursday if we’re lucky and my mom sticks to the schedule of going into our home to look after Mason then Bryan will have enough sleep up until Thursday and I’ll go with my usual mid shift schedule. Come Friday, Bryan will again look after Mason all day until I get home.

If Mason has school then that’s my task. I’ll sleep at 2am and wakes up at 8am to bring him to school and wait for him, after fetching him, I’ll rest like for 30 minutes? And off to work as I leave him with my mom.

If there’s someone more worn out than me in this situation it must be Bryan. We are two parents to a single kid and we’re feeling all these exhaustion both mentally and physically. Can you even imagine the workload for Single parents!?

It’s true that being a parent you have no vacation leaves, you do it 24/7 and sometimes even more than your body and mind can handle. Exhausting but definitely one of the most fulfilling human experience ever!

2017: A look back

i was reading my 2018 horoscope overview and realized if my 2017 horoscope somehow come close on what was perceived prior 2017, funny that somehow the predictions were close to it, but yes! I do believe in zodiac signs and horoscopes or how the sun, moon, stars and planets aligned and its effects on someone’s life. Heh.

Anyway, I’ve been occupied with a lot of things, including the holiday rush and my baby, I was not able to update my blog for some weeks or even a month?

Looking back, 2017 was definitely a year of struggles, emotions and improvements all at the same time. Half of the year were hardships and failures and the second half were full of hope and progress.

I honestly think that this was a make or break year for my relationship and my family. I lost a whole lot of self-esteem and I’m glad that I’m somehow back on track.

Here’s a quick overview of how my 2017 went:

January: Well, the year started with the proofs and all, January 1 marked it. He received a text from someone saying “Happy New year too, babe”, after that, everything became a blur, we fought on the first day of the year. I knew then that that message will be the start of something more.

February: I felt distant, I knew that something was up! I’m living with a stranger and a life full of lies. We celebrated Valentine’s Day, he prepared something special but I smelled something fishy, definitely not the Honey Garlic Salmon that he made that night. He went out the next day, the prices were down, and so he might as well availed.

March: We fought almost every day and I started investigating and found his online accounts, his comments and all. I had panic and anxiety attacks. He kept on lying or lying with girls? Lol. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am watching and waiting of what will happen next. Almost thought that I am having post-partum whatever but I knew better. I felt sorry for my baby.

Still on track with my plans to save. I opened my UITF account.

April: Bam! I found out about it (Praying really helps!), running through his Grab history while he was sleeping, I was able to confirm them. He denied everything but it was all in front of us. Everything happened so fast. He hurt me physically and mentally. His father knew about it, I said it to everyone. He has no shame at all or was he?

May: It was hazy. He confessed. I was not happy, I wake up dragging myself to work. I kept on praying, I kept on reading on things to do. I was a mess. I came home drunk day after day. Self-esteem went downhill. My birthday was nothing special, it was the worst. I even went to a counsellor! I want to get out!!!

June: I found out that he tried to contact someone from that place. I decided to move. I went back to our house, to my parents’. I cried all day and night. I only had full of hate for him. A month full of contemplation. Full of doubts and decisions to made. I finally gave him a chance, our family a second chance.

I got so busy with my Baby’s first Birthday DIYs.

July:  It was my baby’s 1^st birthday. We came back. I stopped checking his online accounts’ activities. I decided to focus on myself and my baby. Anxieties and nightmares are still there. Every night I pray for guidance.

August: Slowly I am starting to get back up. I keep moving but it is hard. Somehow living a normal life. My baby is growing more handsome every day!

Still focused on my goal. Finally opened my Stocks account but hasn’t started trading yet.

September: I decided to learn how to do make up. I watched tons of YouTube videos from Michelle Dy, Anna Cay and Tina Yong. I bought the necessary materials. I started to love make up!

October: I got back into reading and still more about make ups! Better late than never! Anyway, we celebrated his birthday like a normal family.

November: Christmas is fast approaching, we started our Christmas shopping as early and we also put up our Christmas tree last week of November. We went to a disastrous birthday party. There are still fights (financial and some personal things) but I am keeping my hopes high.

December: Fully scheduled Month. We had lots of events to attend. We went to a wedding, Christmas parties (went to our company Yearend event and I did my make up!!) and family gatherings. It is funny but whenever my baby sees us hugging he would beam and laugh out loud, definitely something that will always melt my heart.

Oh!! I started baking too! (Still needs more practice btw!) J J J

Well, I guess that’s it. First 6-7 months were definitely something I would rather forget but turns out, they were as clear as water while I’m writing this. I honestly mostly remember those first few months of the year than the recent ones. Heh!

If there’s one thing that I realized about this year, it was definitely all about myself and how strong I have become all these months. Some would ask me why I came back, I came back not because I’m weak, but because I am strong and I know that, everyone knows that. I was able to pick myself up with the help of my friends, best friends and my mother. I surely felt that something in me have changed into something better and prouder.

I came back stronger than before and more hopeful. I look at my son and have seen how fast he have grown and my love for him grows a billion hearts more. My growth game is definitely strong because of my son. 🙂

I will put on my Goals for 2018 for my next post!! Excited to make all of it into a reality!!

A month of Hiatus

Happy Holidays! It’s been more than a month..since I last posted something here on my blog. Last time was still our Pre Anniversary Celebration and for the past month, weeks and days, a lot of things had already happened. Here’s a catch up:

> My mom were able to move fast the result of the last election. She’s currently so busy being a Lola to my one and only niece. We still experience a lot of misunderstanding most specially when it comes to money, but I just don’t want to make an issue out of it. As we know, fighting over money is a big NO NO NO most importantly to your parents and relatives. =(

> My father, as always is still a big nagger. He’s stubborn and hard headed. Arrgh. As you can see we are not a Perfect family, but I atleast want to have a peaceful one. I just wish that he could take time and reflect on how lucky he is to have us instead of pin pointing and making a big deal out of all the small details.

> My boyfriend and I, just had our POST anniv celebration after the 3rd time that we rescheduled it. We went to a beautiful Hideaway somewhere in BATANGAS! It’s the first time that we went snorkeling together! Will post a blog for this soon.

> As we know, TACLOBAN and other Province in the Philippines, like CEBU, BOHOL and the rest of VISAYAS region experienced natural calamities and it left the provinces devastated. A lot of families lost their shelter, food, clothes and most significantly their Loved ones. It was really a tragic moment not only for them but for the whole country. My highschool friends, decided to help by volunteering in the repacking of relief goods at DSWD. We helped for almost 8 hours. It was really exhausting but the fun part is that we were able to Bond and talk to each other again after a long time. It became a mini reunion for us! Well of course, let’s add the wonderful feeling of helping our fellow Filipinos.

> We went to our Company’s year end party. Of course, I Asked my mom to make a dress for me and it was exactly what I wanted! The party was fun but too bad I didnt even win at the raffle. lol

> We got Promoted to PRODUCTION ANALYST from being a DATA MANAGEMENT CODER for 11 months! A really good news for us! Thank God for all the blessings!

Well, for some of the things that happened that I was not able to include here..maybe I would just make a special blog post for them. One blog post is not enough for me to tell all my new experiences and especially the happy times!

 

Half hearted

I was supposed to be happy today because its our 5th year anniversary of my boyfriend. However, i just couldnt help but be sad because my mom lost the local election and i just cant believe it.

I know God has other plans for her…but i can feel how heavy her heart was. She was expecting and confident that she will have a positive result but unexpected things happen and we just have to accept it.

I know how my mom has sacrificed for her position. I know that she only did her best and that she had her ups and downs all throughout her stay as an official in our brgy. I saw how she enjoyed everything and how she was able to help other people. She always has the giving heart. Strong but weak at heart.

I just cant believe it and i just wish that i could take all her pain and hurt in losing. To those people who supported her all the way..i know that they know..that she deserve the best. In my eyes and in my heart she is and will always be the best. She fought fair.

I loveyou chairman. Im lucky and blessed to have you as my mom. You are enough.

Blackhole

I woke up early today.

I heard too much noise from my mom’s bad case of cough. This is the 3rd time that she had a bad cough this year. And im thinking this is not just the usual cough or colds that we experience during rainy days or cold weather. Im getting really worried. What makes me more worried is the consistent disturbing behavior of my father. He still talks in an explosive way and it is really tiring. Also, not helping in our problems. Im tired of talking back. Im tired of listening and im tired of this kind of attitude. He just makes everything worse than it could ever be.

Sometimes i wonder how he can live in this kind of negative behavior. Im scared that i might turn out like him someday. Im really afraid and bothered.

If only i could afford a psychiatrist for him and if only i could give more to my mom. It feels like im the one left with all these thoughts about my parents. Again. 😦

Getting Somewhere

I wish I had a plan, but I don’t.

Thinking where to go, what to do, and the future. When I was younger I used to think that, when I graduate, I just have to find a job, get married and live a happy life. Well, now that I’m working, I realized, that’s not always the case, it’s never like that.

Everything is going by so quickly. Soon I’ll be turning 25 and yet, I’m still uncertain with what I want to do. My friends, have come and gone. They leave and try for better lives outside our country. I would love to do that but, I’m scared of being alone. I’m afraid to be alone. But, what if I’m suppose to be alone?

I’m not going to lie, because of changes, loss, broken hearted, and thoughts. I have become so weak to face the future. But, I’m so close to the future I can feel it. It scares me how close it is. I know that someday, things may happen whether I like it or not. I know I’m not quite in the realm of testing or hard life decisons but the looming velocity at which I’m approaching sharp turns in my future is just undeniable. I feel like a book of unanswered questions, searching desperately for sense in the non-sensical. It’s almost like trying to come up with your own constellations in the night sky, connecting these dots and giving them meaning isn’t as easy as it seems.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in a year.. but eventually things will turn up, you will get better and be able to look back and say with relief.. “I made it”.

What’s up!

I’ve been absent here for ages and I noticed how depressing my previous posts were. Some things never change and instead of dwelling on them, I’d rather blog about the things that have happened for these past few days. I’ve been so busy with work that I forgot about blogging my experiences.  

For the past few days, I did a lot of catching up with my old friends:

 

Met with my friends from Healthway.

 

Went out with my workmates and had a Despidida party for our Trainer from India.

Had a nice dinner and a fun time at the cafe with my EPI friends. Thank God for having friends who would wait for you after work. =)

Watched the Pyromusical for the first time with my Cousins. It’s also the first time that we went out. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen them. One of those really rare event.

And lastly, we had a Pre birthday celebration for Chucky. Her treat! hehe =)

Looking at these photos, makes me realize that a lot had happened and I didn’t even noticed it. It’s good to know that atleast I had fun times, away from all those stress from work and my family. Thank you Lord. =)

 

 

 

 

You’re making me.

Everytime that you open your mouth, I want to kill myself. I want to forget everything. I want to disappear. All this hurt, I feel like it’s trying to explode out of me.

You’re making me hate you. You’re doing and saying things that destroys our family. I just can’t understand you anymore. It kills me to see you like this. It hurts me to see my mother suffer from you. I’m tired of waking up to the sound of your temper. You’re wasting time.

I think of running away, far from you and your regrets. Far from your animosities. But, I can’t, we couldn’t. It seems like there’s no chance for you to change. I’m just sick of it.

He’s Incurable

Talking to him makes me want to cry.

Is it because he’s too old to understand or there’s just too much hate that he became closed minded.

I know that he is struggling, I know that a lot of things happened, I know that he’s getting really old but that’s not really the reason why he became such person. He hates her. 

I don’t know how to handle him anymore, I used to talk to him when I have problems at school and work. But, whenever he has problems with us, with our mother, he’s becoming a really different person. I used to give him high tones of voice and hurt him just to make him listen to me, to us. We used to talk to him nicely but either way, he’s still the same. He shattered every familial bond with his selfishness.

I’m really disappointed with him. He’s unstable. He’s out of motivation, he doesn’t trust us and he’s resistant. Ever since I was a child, I never fail to wish and pray that someday he’ll change. That someday, he’ll listen to us and just live a smooth family life.

If there’s one thing that I want, that would be a peaceful and loving family. But, how can it happen when I’m surrounded with uncompromising and narrow minded people. He gave up a long time ago. I’m really tired.