You’re making me.

Everytime that you open your mouth, I want to kill myself. I want to forget everything. I want to disappear. All this hurt, I feel like it’s trying to explode out of me.

You’re making me hate you. You’re doing and saying things that destroys our family. I just can’t understand you anymore. It kills me to see you like this. It hurts me to see my mother suffer from you. I’m tired of waking up to the sound of your temper. You’re wasting time.

I think of running away, far from you and your regrets. Far from your animosities. But, I can’t, we couldn’t. It seems like there’s no chance for you to change. I’m just sick of it.

He’s Incurable

Talking to him makes me want to cry.

Is it because he’s too old to understand or there’s just too much hate that he became closed minded.

I know that he is struggling, I know that a lot of things happened, I know that he’s getting really old but that’s not really the reason why he became such person. He hates her. 

I don’t know how to handle him anymore, I used to talk to him when I have problems at school and work. But, whenever he has problems with us, with our mother, he’s becoming a really different person. I used to give him high tones of voice and hurt him just to make him listen to me, to us. We used to talk to him nicely but either way, he’s still the same. He shattered every familial bond with his selfishness.

I’m really disappointed with him. He’s unstable. He’s out of motivation, he doesn’t trust us and he’s resistant. Ever since I was a child, I never fail to wish and pray that someday he’ll change. That someday, he’ll listen to us and just live a smooth family life.

If there’s one thing that I want, that would be a peaceful and loving family. But, how can it happen when I’m surrounded with uncompromising and narrow minded people. He gave up a long time ago. I’m really tired. 

Quick post: Feisty

Call me a bad daughter but this is how I can describe my father. He’s such a feisty man. (I not need to further discuss)

From what I know, feisty can mean a lot of things, it can be someone who’s energetic, full of spirit, someone who’s sensitive and even someone who’s hot tempered and iritable. And, everything really suited him well.

As a child, I’ve always been really vocal/verbal when it comes to my father. I care for him so much but I scornfully hate him as well.

I know that it’s difficult to keep up with the unexpected things that’s happening to us, especially around him. Us growing up, working and being always away from home, my mother becoming a public person which makes her always out of the house.

Sometimes I pity him for experiencing those things, but whenever we try to talk to him, he’s just really a closed minded person which makes it really difficult to communicate with him and talk things out.

Sometimes, I wonder what’s on his mind, that I wish he can somehow share to us so that we’ll know his concerns and emotions in a very calm way (without any shouting or fighting). We tried, he never did.

I don’t know for how long this will last, I want to talk to him but I’m just too tired, we’re tired. =(