Wasting

And so i saw lots of conversations with different girls..but what stucked in my mind was a chat with a teenager who can pass as his niece. I wouldnt have thought about this until I saw it..until i read it. 

I felt unusually disgusted. Of all the people i thought that he was the least to do this but i guess, i was wrong. Jokes on me. Reading between the lines, it was flirting. No doubt about it! There was something. 

I tried to forget it let it all pass. But the day that I saw the young girl. I felt more than just disgust. I felt sorry. I felt sorry for him and for the girl. I wanted to cry that day. I wanted an explanation but im far from getting it. 

Im wasting time. Im wasting away. 

Breaking the rules

Today, i am crying. I am devastated and disappointed. Im thinking over and over again. Analyzing, contemplating. I am trying hard to be open minded but i can’t, i could not. I really do not understand what is happening and why is it happening. Is there anything wrong with me? Would anything be much better if i had known this then? 

The pain is fresh. A reopened wound. Traumatized. I do not understand. I am looking for reasons, reasons that i will not have now, i dont know when but definitely not now. The timing is bad and the situation is a blur. We are a mess once again. 

We were almost there. I almost believed you. I Thank God for this sign. Am I ready? 😦

Soon.

There she goes

I’ve been struggling a lot these past few days. It’s all because of our new TL who used to be our manager but got demoted, not just because our TL resigned but maybe because of her out of this world attitude.
I can’t even imagine how she got into this kind of position with that kind of character. When she was still our Manager, all the TL’s hated her and now that she’s our TL, we don’t have any choice but to communicate with her. I was the one who really got affected by this, I was the team’s POC and I don’t like talking to her, she just got an awful attitude that I can’t handle. I do believe in the saying that you will be treated by the way you act or the way you treat the other person. And she acts like a total bitch and I can’t help but to be a bitch to her. I know that she’s my TL, her position is higher than me but the way she treats us is not like a professional person.

I’m just so fed up with her. I tried not giving a crap about her but I there are still times that I need to talk to her because of work. I’m just so happy that have a lot of friends at work who’s at my back and I know that whatever happens they will be on my side.

You’re making me.

Everytime that you open your mouth, I want to kill myself. I want to forget everything. I want to disappear. All this hurt, I feel like it’s trying to explode out of me.

You’re making me hate you. You’re doing and saying things that destroys our family. I just can’t understand you anymore. It kills me to see you like this. It hurts me to see my mother suffer from you. I’m tired of waking up to the sound of your temper. You’re wasting time.

I think of running away, far from you and your regrets. Far from your animosities. But, I can’t, we couldn’t. It seems like there’s no chance for you to change. I’m just sick of it.

He’s Incurable

Talking to him makes me want to cry.

Is it because he’s too old to understand or there’s just too much hate that he became closed minded.

I know that he is struggling, I know that a lot of things happened, I know that he’s getting really old but that’s not really the reason why he became such person. He hates her. 

I don’t know how to handle him anymore, I used to talk to him when I have problems at school and work. But, whenever he has problems with us, with our mother, he’s becoming a really different person. I used to give him high tones of voice and hurt him just to make him listen to me, to us. We used to talk to him nicely but either way, he’s still the same. He shattered every familial bond with his selfishness.

I’m really disappointed with him. He’s unstable. He’s out of motivation, he doesn’t trust us and he’s resistant. Ever since I was a child, I never fail to wish and pray that someday he’ll change. That someday, he’ll listen to us and just live a smooth family life.

If there’s one thing that I want, that would be a peaceful and loving family. But, how can it happen when I’m surrounded with uncompromising and narrow minded people. He gave up a long time ago. I’m really tired. 

Queasy and wobbly

It’s the second month of the year and yet I’m already rocking my 2nd month with colds and headache. This is the second time that I had colds for this year. Hopefully not again next month and the months coming after. I really hate it when I have colds and cough, most especially colds. It makes my nose really clogged and runny. I hate it. Headache comes after the prolong difficulty of breathing that I experience due to clogged nose. 

I hate this feeling because it makes me really unproductive and lazy at work. How I wish, taking an overdose amount of vitamin C can help. Aside from my colds, I am also taking note of my Acid reflux and my constipation. Arrgh, my body’s going crazy. Oh please, not another visit with my doctor. =( 

Quick post: Hornswoggle

“To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.” – Soren Kierkegaard”

What is it about movies about cheating here in the Philippines? They’re coming like chicken laying eggs or something. I’m not sure If they want people to learn a lesson about not cheating or teaching them how to. I really don’t know, and what I don’t understand is that why do people cheat? If you don’t love the other person, leave and move on. Find a new one and be happy, isn’t it easier? 

I’ve been cheated and I still don’t know why and how it happened but what I do know is that it is awful. The feeling is awful and it’s taking advantage. It’s misleading and everyone who’s involve is a loser. It’s just funny to know that people loves feeling pain and being hurt. It’s never the easy way out.

 

 

I’ll miss your skin when you were east.

 

There were times were you just sit quietly and think about what is happening around you. You see other people moving and smiling but you just stare at them blankly as if they can’t see you. Sometimes, you wonder why you need to stay when everyone else is changing.

I started my summer crying. I never thought that our relationship will end up like this. But, maybe too much of something is really never good. We had so many fights and misunderstandings. Our relationship turned upside down with that one mistake. I gave him time and space for him to realize how important our relationship is but it was the other way for him. I can’t blame myself. I can’t blame him. I don’t want to.

From our relationship, I learned that people are constantly changing, including me, that people are changing not for their selves but also for the people around them. That it’s better to leave than to stay when there is already no place to stay at. It’s better to leave the pieces than bother to pick it up. I definitely learned to love someone selflessly. To give without hesitations and to give without asking something in return. I’m not sure if that is love though, but I do know that it feels better to be with someone who knows exactly who you are. I realize that people may love you now but there will be a time where they just leave you whether you like it or not. I also learned how to be patient. I used to be so stubborn and impatient. I hate waiting. But because of him, I learned to wait for someone. I learned that distance is nothing as long as you’re there for each other. Everything that you want will be just in you hand if you’re willing and you have the courage to get it.

For the last two days, I found out what he really wanted. He said he loves me. He said that he loves me just like the first time that he saw me. I love him too. He said that he wanted time for himself. He wants to explore the world, he wants to meet new people, he wants to have a name in his field, he wants to experience new things. He wants to do all those things, the only problem was that he wants to experience those things without me. He wants to have time for himself because he said that he spent 3 years of his life caring and understanding me. He said that for those 3 years he’s been doing things and deciding things for me. He always thought that everything will fall into place just as long as he’ll think of me. I can’t forget the night where he cried his heart out to me. He cried , just like a toddler when their mother leaves for work. I’m confused on how you manage to be in a relationship when you’re not ready to give up or sacrifice some of the things in life in order to be in a relationship. Maybe he’s in a phase in his life where he’s finally getting his self to lose control. I really don’t know what’s happening. I still have so many questions but I let them left to be unanswered. I think it’s better that way.

I honestly hate him for leaving me in the edge. I think it’s wrathfully unfair for him to leave me and think only for himself. But, I have no choice but to let him go and live his life. I love him but I need to let go of the love I feel for him. I’m in pain but knowing that I’ll love again somehow eases the pain. I don’t know where I’m headed and I don’t know how I’ll manage to cope with this.I lost a love but I learned to love more. I’m not mad about love instead I’m amazed on how it can change someone’s life in a blink of an eye.