Painful truth

Some say that the truth hurts. Yes the truth hurts especially if someone keeps on denying it. But, after all is said and done, once the truth is laid down, you will not feel anything anymore (after all the crying and dwelling) You’ll go numb and questions will start filling you mind and I got really scared.

I tried to listen, but reasons are made up with words and the real reason is somewhere between those lines and his mind. Sometimes reasons are made to protect one’s self. He blamed me for everything. That’s when I realized that people will try to put the fault to anyone for their own actions and that’s what strucked me the most. Do I get all the credit for these wrong acts? Do I really need to take the blame for his decisions? Yes I hope so, so that when I tried to change, he’ll changed too. Simple as that.
I am proud of him, i always boast him to my colleagues and friends. I tell then that aside from his work he has another project (which i found out that he really is not going to work but goes to those places, funny that I even encourage him to go to his project weekly). He is sweet even though im always hot tempered. He cooks for me, give gifts, says sweet words out of the blue and takes care of our baby even while working. He is a real father figure, everyday, I feel thankful that he is there to take care of my baby. But, after all this, its devastating to know that he is another person behind my back. Someone who goes with a handle name and a story to tell. A total stranger. Sick.

All those time and money he invested in such places, could have been invested in enhancing his skills and knowledge, he can even have new friends with same passion by attending seminars And trainings. If you really want to be successful, no ifs and buts, you make a way to have it. And we could have been more proud than ever. I really thought he is smarter than this. He tells me he wants us to get married in the church, he keeps on telling me that he will save money But his money is being exhausted to his unusual vice and by that, so far, I do not see any wedding To happen any time soon.

For the past few days, all those crying, screaming and flying rockers and toys. I realized that he is very weak. Not only in terms of his urges and sexual desires but He is still weak in handling his own emotions and decisions. I loved him and its disappointing to see him wreck this family with those kinds of decisions. As what his dad said, the father is the one who carries the family, if  he goes to those kinds of places this means that he is also dragging us to immorality. I feel sad for our son! (It sucks!)

My mentor told me that she learned that you have to have 3 mentors in your life. First is your mentor in your career. This person will help you to shape what you really want in terms of your career and future goals. He’ll open you to the different options that you can have and enhance your passion and skills. Another is your life Mentor, someone you confide in all you life and personal concerns, someone you look up to and would encourage you to take the best decisions in your life and lastly your Rock. If all else fails, your rock will be there to pick up the pieces and help you stand up and grow to be the best person that you can be. I want to be his rock. I would like to be his rock but he is finding for a different rock somewhere along those places.

Looking back on the past few days, I am very tired already, Im sure he is too. We are both tired. Our love is slowly dying and our family is at risk. I would like to help him get back on track but if he keeps on changing his directions, I guess that’s the time to move on and find my own Rock, no more ifs and buts. 

Living on the brink

I hope it was that easy.

I was scrolling facebook and found an article about cheating husbands. Nope, it was not about the usual cheating of a man being truly in love with another woman aside from his wife. But a man that longs for attention and finds it in some women who offers sexual encounters in exchange of cash and when confronted he’ll play the “deny till you die” game maybe because of pride and shame.

I feel real bad, something more of a rope wrapped around my neck, yes that bad. Red flags are not red flags anymore because I know for sure, his reasons are different everytime. Short tempered, over reacting to things, losing patience and unusual walks, grab history and text messages. I know something is not right with him and I know that its not my fault. All these are just part of his sick frustrations, sexual desires, seeking for attention and longings for the thrill.

I honestly felt sorry for him, I wish I could help him. I just hope he’ll realized that all these girls are just a facade and a waste of time and money. By availing He’s even encouraging these women to continue working in a so called “business”that is more of an animal business. Flesh and bone. All these Money that could have been saved for the future and time that could have been spent with me and my son.

Our family is on the edge. Nothing can stop this fall except him And no one can help him but himself. I tried to protect him but time will come and all of these efforts will be gone to waste if he’ll continue with these short time pleasures. I hope he’ll realize it sooner because someday everything that he is trying to build will come crashing down before his very eyes and I sure hope he’s prepared.

Running in circles

I’m confused.

I honestly don’t know how to feel right now.

Breaking up with the person that you cared about for 3 years is never easy. We have experienced breaking up for at least 3 times. But each time is different. And this time, I’m confused and worried that I might dwell on this heart break a little longer.

I’m the kind of person who always brags about things and rants about anything that gets in my way. I always think that I’m stronger and braver than anybody I know and yet I cry at romantic movies and series. I got a huge sense of pride and I never let my guard down. If I want something, I’ll do anything to get it. When I say something hurtful, I really mean it. I always hide my weakness in front of him. I usually say things that will make him worried or scared.

I know those attitudes really affected on how I’ve been on our relationship for those 3 years. Maybe he felt uneasy and in doubt. I always say that I know my problems, I know my mistakes but I never did anything to change any of those problems. I have solutions and plans but they were left behind. I guess, I just didn’t learn.

In our relationship, I’ve been the nagger, doubtful, insecure and the jealous one. He became the unfaithful, deceitful and insincere person. Every time that I think about it, I realized that everything that happened to us was the result of each others uncertainty.

In the past 2 weeks, we decided to not talk at all. No means of any communication. I was surprised of the things that he did. I never thought that he would go all the way. I did not see that he will be going out here and there, meeting new people and meeting new friends. I was wrong to think that he will just think of me all the time that we were apart. I was too confident. When I found out about those things that he did, I realized that I’ve treated him like a prisoner. It was like he was finally free from his cage and he can finally run away and be lost in the sky. I was too firm. He let me hold him too close until he can’t breathe anymore. He said that in that 2 weeks, he realized that he miss all the things that he used to do with his friends. He miss going out and partying. He met new friends, most were girls and he learned new things from them. He let lose, he was not scared of  me anymore.

After 2 weeks, we met and he decided that for now, he doesn’t want any relationship. He realized that he got tired of all the relationship dramas that we had. He wanted to keep me but he doesn’t want any commitment. He loves me but he doesn’t want to continue our relationship. I agreed but I was really confused. I just know that I agreed because I was also getting my fair share and because I was scared, I was scared because I was not ready to let him go.

But, after talking to my friends, I realized that I shouldn’t have accepted that offer. I shouldn’t have entertained that idea. It was a game and I was throwing myself in the game without a game plan.

That it was a very unfair set up especially for me. I lost my respect to myself by agreeing and even opening that idea. I exposed myself to the pain and hurt that I might experience if we will continue with it. I love him, yes I do. But, I should not let that love hold me in my neck and let it squeeze me until I can no longer feel myself.  I was a coward.

We almost thought that we will be together until we grow old and can’t even walk or hear anymore.  We already had some plans, oh well not actually plans but we made some ideas on how we will raise our children and our family. But, things happen and things change.

Right now, I still don’t know how to cope with this pain, but maybe in time, I will be able to soar freely and be myself again. Too bad that this was my time to experience it. lol.

I learned so many things in that relationship. Lord God has plans for me and I know why he is doing this. I know that if I just let him do his wonders. Everything that happened to me will be just a bad dream and my reality will be better and brighter. He will never let me down.