Where are those days?

Since when did I become possessive, pointless, too controlling, jealous pain in the ass?

It’s official, I’ve fallen to a lower state. Right now, I’m feeling so disgusted with myself, especially when I saw that video post about the overly attached girlfriend. Sad to say, but I have to admit that I was a little affected by that video and I can sense that I’m slowly becoming that irritating person.

I used to be so carefree, stress free and confident. I realized that I need to loosen a bit! Get back to my old self and back on the track. Back to where I was able to hold my self and just let things go. I miss those days where I was so strong and not afraid at all. I wish I can go back to those days where I’m still not bound with these insecurities and jealousy.

I want to be worry free. I want to be confident again and I want to be able to work on my weaknesses just like the old days. To let go and not possess anybody. I have to know that this is not the worst of the situations and that I need to be tougher. I want to be able to fully trust someone, if not, maybe at least believe in that person and hope that everything is fine. I want to stare at a picture of myself, smiling or laughing, seeing how genuinely happy I am and thinking how I’ve got through all of this. I want those back.
From now on, I refuse to give in to the horrible illness that has taken so many memories and people away from me. I know it won’t happen in just a snap and it will take time but I’m doing it. Yes, I have doubts. That’s why I create all safety measures, surround him by every trick, by cunningness, by cleverness, so that he cannot leave me like before. I was traumatized but  I’m killing love. Love is freedom. Love is being free and all about living life.

I need to blow my worries to the wind…and just believe.

While I was doing this post, I suddenly remembered Regina Spektor’s new song and unexpectedly it fit exactly on what I’ve been thinking and dwelling today.

All the Rowboats is all about great artworks being locked up and hidden from the world. It’s our tendency to keep and limit the beautiful and amazing things locked up, when they should be exposed and free for everyone to appreciate. But sometimes, we admire them so much that we’re already destroying them. Intentionally and unintentionally.

The music is very classic and astounding.

Fits perfectly to my mood today.

If you really love, there is no need to possess.
– Osho

Plagued with insecurities

This morning, I was feeling a little down and not in the mood. I was worried and suddenly scared  at the same time. I think, my insecurity is just at an all time high so I decided to browse the internet and I found a site and started reading Signs of Insecurity. In the article, they explained the signs of an insecure person and how to manage them especially for those in a relationship. I was amazed on how well it described an insecure person. And how well I can relate to it.

As I said in my past entry Beautiful Cliche, I was really not the kind of person who’s self conscious until the day that I had scars all over my body and from the day that I had a boyfriend and left me for another girl just because that girl is pretty, nice, understanding and sexy, oh well maybe everything that I’m not.

From that day on, I became more self aware and conceited. My insecurities blew like a big wave. I realized how appearance can really affect a person’s attitude and personality. Since then, I never looked at my self the same way like before. I realized how insecure I am about my body because I’ve never been slim, and slim is what society tells me is attractive. I made myself believe that I’m not beautiful because I don’t have a nice face and skin or long soft hair or any of it. I don’t have normal sized boobs or long legs or anything that would ever be considered ‘pretty’. Yes, sometimes picture makes me look better than I do but still that does not make any difference. I get jealous whenever I see pretty girls around my boyfriend. I got scared that he might leave me again for someone better and that is freaking me out already. I’m attracted to slender girls myself, probably because I pay such close attention to fashion, but is it beautiful to me because it’s NOT what I am?

Insecurities have definitely took a stronger grip on my life than need be. That’s why some people continue to look for ways to being perfect. Perfection is an illusion and we’re sick because we want it. If you let it continue, you’ll see how crazy it works and the power it has over you. It will make you weak and scared. It will make you sit and worry and see things in a more different way and mostly in a negative way.It makes you question why people around you seem different. Why you’re so different.When in reality, the only thing that’s changing at all is your mind.

I know, I’m far from being secure again and as they said there is no cure for insecurities, you just have to have acceptance and understanding. I realized that if I can’t take it out, I have to let the nice things come out and be confident again.

Note to self: There are so many things to be insecure about and I have my own flaws and insecurities which I am aware of.
But why bother? All I need to do is be myself because I should always be my first priority. If they don’t like me then be it.