Back then, I didnt know that there’s a month where we acknowledge any pregnancy and infant loss but now, I know.
There’s not much talk about this, even in my feed but, I know there are lots of couples and families who experienced the pain of losing a pregnancy or an infant. And, I am one of them. I lost mine at 5-6 weeks (but I was supposed to be 8 weeks by that time) and until now, It is still hard to look back.
This month, I want to recognize the happiness of being pregnant, the anxiety of the unknown, the agony of losing, refusal to accept and embracing the grief of what’s left. You’ll never know the extent of pain unless you experience it but I would never want this to be encountered by anyone.
As I move on from this chapter of my life, I will always look back and relieve all those emotions I felt, we felt. It opened a door for us to hope again and be stronger.
We welcomed the new year with full of hopes, happiness and excitement! We found out we’re pregnant exactly Dec 30 and when the clock struck Jan. 1, 2022 we imagined our year to be full of blessings and happiness. We were over the moon! But, seems like the first month of 2022 is different from what we expected. Turns out, not everything will happen as planned.
I must admit, our physical body is not at its best state. We were tired, especially dad from November to December. A lot of home improvements and work. We were busy. We were all tired but our hearts were flying with happiness when we found out that we were finally having another child. We started to try just this December, I have irregular cycles so we tried our luck.
When I took the PT, I was in doubt, it was a faint line.. But I couldnt wait to show dad and when I did, I asked him to get another PT just to confirm, and we did, still faint line but we knew it is positive because we really tried and we were decided to have another one.
We bought another one because I am still not at ease seeing a faint line. When I was pregnant with Mason, it was so clear. I knew right away that its going to be mine. But for this pregnancy, seeing a faint line made me feel uncomfortable. I took another one 4 days later and can see another faint line but, line is a lot better compared to the initial ones, after asking a few close friends on what they think about the PT, I gave up and finally acknowledged that I am really pregnant.
Excitement filled our hearts. I called my mom, told my sister and dad, and a few really close friends sharing how happy we are with the pregnancy. We didnt tell dad’s family as we are not that confident yet. But, things started to Not be in our favor when we started to have symptoms, coughs, colds and I had a fever, turns out we were covid positive. I was really devastated because I am in my first few weeks of pregnancy and I had a fever already. But everyone assured me that its nothing to be worried of since my temperature was not too high and I only had a fever for a few hours and it subsided as soon as I took paracetamol. My OB was also accommodating in answering my queries and prescribing medicines thru chat!! After a few days or after a week, Mason had fever but he was so active so I didnt worry so much. I still have coughs and it was really irritating. We were advised to isolate and take a RT PCR to confirm.
Just when I thought everything is going better, I started having painful lower back, cramps and spotting (almost like similar to labor pains). I also noticed a blood clot or tissue come out, I sent it to my OB right away and I was prescribed Duphaston and Isoxilan, to relax my uterus and for additional progesterone to support pregnancy and avoid having miscarriage, I was also asked to take a rest. We bought it same night and I took it religiously as prescribed but the cramps and spotting were consistent. I feel it every night and the spotting varies from pink, brown, deep red to brown. We waited until end of week for my ultrasound ( We had to wait since we had to follow the 10days quarantine and isolation for mild covid cases) In my first ultrasound, it showed I was less than 5 weeks, hence no yolk sac and fetal pole yet but as per my OB’s computation I was supposed to be 8 weeks. Dates were already off so I am starting to feel really negative about this, I had a 40 day cycle last menstruation so its likely that I just ovulated late but as I try to compute as well, even the 40 day cycle doesnt really match, I was supposed to be 6weeks and not less than 5 weeks. I was advised to take another tvs ultrasound in a week. I knew Dad is also stressed although he is trying to look calm, I can feel it and I can see it. Spotting or bleeding is still progressing, I had deep red color, a few clots and then pink watery discharge are coming out. I had no choice but to wait and read whatever I can find on google. And whilst I kept myself busy with all these bloody discharge, I noticed my son have rashes on his trunk, neck going to the face. I looked at it and I knew its chickenpox but I dont want to conclude so I gave him antihistamine as dad thought its a simple allergy, After 2 days, rashes are still there getting more pronounced so I asked dad to take him to a doctor for a check up and as confirmed, it is indeed chickenpox. (I already had chickenpox when I was 18years old so I was not as worried and assumed I am already immune). Well, sickness after sickness. 🥴
Before my second ultrasound, I was provided with prenatal vitamins and new set of medicine for bleeding and cramps. But we opted not to buy everything yet since we are already having doubts of this pregnancy and decided to buy the vitamins after ultrasound. I was also asked to take another RT PCR and finally it was negative, even the antigens we did were negative already.
The second ultrasound was not what I expected but somehow gave us a glimps of what was to come. The gestational sac grew to 5weeks and 2days but still no yolk sac and no fetal pole. The sonographer’s actions also gave it away, she didnt even say a word. She just told me that my doctor should explain it to me. I came out of the room and as soon as I found Dad, I started crying. We knew even before we saw the result. We already knew something is about to end.
Just when I thought that we already had a handful for the day, when I came home, I took a rest for 2hrs, I got up, ate food prepared by mom and started to fix my son’s toys– I was just sitting down and putting lego in a box when I felt cramps and something come out, when I checked, it was a chunk of blood clot? Looked like a chicken liver. And when I saw it, my heart sank! I called dad from the sofa, asked him to check it and told him that I think its over. He hugged and consoled me.
As soon as it came out, cramps subsided. I had milder cramps and more bleeding came like Im having my menstruation with some tissues of blood coming out as well. I dont want to blame the TVs ultrasound or me fixing my son’s toys, it just felt like, it is the sac’s time to come out. Dad had this expression like he already knew what was coming, maybe it is easier for him because he does not feel the physical pain.
I cried, its hard to contain it. I called my mom and told my friends, I have one friend who were also going through the same thing as I am (we had the same lmp date and she lost it at the date of my first ultrasound, 8 weeks for her) and its somehow comforting that I am not the only one. But still we wished everything turned the other way.. the emotional pain is more than the physical pain that we feel.
After all the signs that pointed to miscarriage. I feel like I was still not prepared to go through this. My Ob advised to wait and observe as more discharge will come, seems like she is trying for a natural miscarriage. There I was sitting, having cramps and bleeding and the more I feel it, the more I feel the pain of losing. Some may say that its good because it was gone early but it really doesnt matter, it may be weeks or days or months but a miscarriage is a miscarriage and losing a part of you is both emotionally and physically painful.
Everything happened in a span of 3weeks. We found out we’re pregnant and lost it. Almost like I just had my menstruation and not miscarriage. If I didnt take PT, I may have just thought I was having a very long menstruation but I would have still tapped my OB on that unusual cycle and I will still find out about it. Just not sure how I would take it from there.
Early pregnancy Miscarriage happens more frequently than many people think. That’s why I decided to share this experience and to reach out to anyone experiencing or had experience this, letting you know that you are not alone. Some may just decided to mourn privately but it is out there.The physical effects can last for several weeks, but the emotional effects and trauma, which are seldom discussed, can be long-lasting and difficult.
It may only be days, weeks or months but no matter how long or short, a miscarriage is a loss and it ia painful. I wouldnt ever wish it to anybody who longs to have a child. I didnt even think it will happen to me. My first pregnancy was not as smooth but it was what I had in mind, getting to 9 months and giving birth to a healthy child.
Right now I had lots of things on my mind, how long will I wait for this to end? Will I ever be pregnant again? Will this happen again? I am scared, worried but still hopeful. For now, I’ll just squeeze my cheeky 5 year old in my arms and fill him with smooches.
To our little bean, I know you tried to progress but its okay love, thank you for making us feel another magic of love even for a very short while 🙂 Im a much stronger momma now because of you. 😘
“For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are your works, And my soul knows it very well.”