Thoughts: Getting through

I think, I’m finally getting used to the things that we’re doing at work and as well as with the people. Although I still feel a bit annoyed and irritated with some of them, I really try to tolerate and just not care at all. 

I just turned two months with my job and I can’t believe that I was able to stay that long, I was about to give up a month ago. I still make mistakes and I get embarrassed but I know that it’s all just part of being a newbie. I’m still looking forward for more flustering things to come. 

I’m not sure until when I can stay with these people but I really want to get out as soon as possible. I’m getting used to them but still I’m not at ease with them. It’s funny that some of them said that they notice that I’m a very reserved and quiet person, which is really not in real life. I’m close-mouthed and modest because I don’t really want to commingle with them and be close to them. It’s really hard to give trust to these people at might want to bring you down someday. I want nothing more but workmates. I’m sure they also feel the same way with me. =)

I’m staying because I need experience (to be honest), and I don’t want to be stuck in this place for a long time. I’m hoping for a better opportunity sooner. Keeping my hopes up for this!

Too much to handle

There’s just too much going on right now with work.

I’m so close to the verge of giving up. Things are just getting too hard and I’m getting too overwhelmed. There’s not a day that I go home feeling all happy or well. I always feel wasted and stressed. Their presence suffocates me. Whenever I’m around them, I feel like my head is in a bubble. I can’t concentrate, I can’t connect, I can’t survive. I’m still struggling with wanting to be around.
I’m so scared that if this thing/situation with work continues, I’ll probably lose my passion in Nursing. I don’t want it to happen, I’ve experienced and met a lot of people and workmates in the past but these kinds of people are different. They have such strong sense of power that makes me so weak and sad. This isn’t my normal cycle of pain, this is so overwhelming and consuming. I feel locked out of life and happiness. I’ve been asking a lot of my friends and as well as my mom on how to cope up with this, but I still have no answers and solution.
Everyday, I go to work and I feel like giving up, always hoping that the day would end already and I’ll go home and eat, sit and rest with my dogs and parents, despite the worries and burdens of work. But then again, I would wake up again the following morning trying to face yet another day I would feel giving up.
I know, this is a blessing, a huge one but how come it’s so difficult for me to handle this thing. Have I lost my sense of compassion and strength? Everything has gotten worse. It’s only been 1 month and 2 weeks. But, I already feel like giving up. I’m already halfway given up.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Self Health persecution

Have you ever had that feeling like you are sick but  you hope that really not?

Like you feel pain all over your body, stomach ache, back ache, headache and you’re nauseous and no, you’re not making it up, you actually feel all those things but you try to hide it and ignore because you’re too scared to go to the doctor. You’re paranoid that they may find something unusual with you and your body. Like it’s something serious. You’re getting paranoid and try to shake it off at the same time. You’re trying to stay calm but whenever those pain comes by triggering your body again you panic and you experience heart palpitations.

I’ve been experiencing those things lately and I’m just too scared. My profession is Nursing but still I can’t handle my self whenever I’m sick and unhealthy.

Life… is not …

Life… is not simply a series of exciting new ventures. The future is not always a whole new ball game. There tends to be unfinished business. One trails all sorts of things around with one, things that simply won’t be got rid of.Anita Brookner

For the past 3 years, since I graduated from the University and took the Nursing Licensure Exam. I realized only one thing. My plans are continuously changing. While browsing my old blog account, I remembered my past plans and the things that I wanted to do.

I remembered the time when I was planning of taking up masterals. It was my original plan but then I got really fond with my work especially by the time that I was earning my salary. It was not that big but it was a big deal for me. I also had plans of having my own online business or store, especially about clothes and accessories. We bought equipments and studied sewing but we were not able to pursue it. I still have plans on having my own business but maybe not this year.

Months ago, I had plans of going abroad, but I realized that it’s not easy to do it. They said, when you work abroad, it’s a battle between loneliness and depression. I know that it’s hard but I’m willing to take a risk. I still have plans to go abroad and if I had a chance, I would definitely grab it. It’s not all about the money but also a chance to showcase my skills and to challenge my abilities especially when you’re far from your loved ones. I’ve never been independent, I don’t know how to cook and I’m still not good in doing household chores like washing clothes and Ironing them (although, we don’t usually do that anymore.) I think, working abroad will really enhance my skills and who knows, I might even be surprised of the things that I can do.

For now, I just need to focus on finding my next job, I’m really nervous and sometimes, I feel like I’m uncertain on what I feel about what kind of job do I really want. I want to work and explore my options but my parents, my ego and some people are holding me back to Nursing. I can’t help but feel pressured.

I switch off

Today, I made a decision to pass my resignation letter. I like to think that I made that decision rationally and not because of urgent or sudden rush of emotions. It was not that easy, it was my first job ever and I owe everything to that Job, especially the times that I almost gave up looking for a job.

I graduated as a Nursing student and I’m a registered Nurse but I decided to work as an Online English Tutor for Koreans because at that time it was really hard to look for a job as a nurse in hospitals. I stayed there for a year (not bad for a first job. huh) During my stay in that company, even though I had some offers of working as a Nurse that time, I did not leave…until this month.

At first, I really am having a good time with my Korean Students. They are very cooperative and it’s easy to teach them. I think, I saw the deficiencies of my job on the day that they gave us Editings which is very different or not related to our online tutorials. It was really hard and it’s a lot of work load that they are already maximizing our time and energy. They were pressuring us. I got exhausted. Aside from that, I noticed that the promotions are really slow and we have no salary increment especially for true hard work like what we are doing with the editings. Recently, there had been many changes in the rules and in the management. The management is not really good in organizing things, the schedules for teachers are very confusing and they don’t really care about health matters.

I think, what I will truly miss is the friendship that I built with my co workers. Each has different personalities and attitudes but they are very easy to get along. I think, what I like the most about our office is the home-like feeling that it gives us. We can wear whatever we want and we can eat anytime we want.

Right now, I still have no idea on the next job that I will have, I’m not closing my door about Nursing. If I had chance, I would truly grab it. But, I think I will consider the first opportunity that will come my way. I know it’s not good to look or ask for easy money jobs, however, I can’t help but to wish for that. Some people are really trying to pursue their careers, who doesn’t want that? I envy those who are sure about their path. But now, I want to consider and explore my other options and to test my skills and limitations. It takes courage but it is the right to move.

Acceptance of one’s life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.
Paul Tournier

Now what?

 I’m coming to the thought that maybe Nursing is not really for me.=(

Im starting to love my work now and I realize that I want to learn other things that i’m good at, aside from my chosen career.
I’m not saying this because I cannot find a Nursing Job/work but It’s just how I feel.Yes, I want to go abroad but not now.

Actually, every time my parents tell me to apply to a hospital in which they know someone who can help me or what, that’s when I usually feel the irritating awkwardness that I want to get out of as soon as possible.It’s saddening that I noticed it now. I want to try new things and explore my options.

When I told my mom about this. She looked at me, surprised and thought of other things that she wanted me to do. She said that maybe I could study again, I.T or something related to computers which are very in demand nowadays.
I don’t know where I’m going. I’m confused.
I’m scared and I’m somehow disappointed with my self. =(