Gone are the days

Maybe Im crazy or maybe im just overanalyzing things but i sure know that something is different,something is not the same between us.

7 years, i cannot lie, half of it was a struggle but the other half was full of butterflies in the stomach and sunny days. Happy days still makes me smile but on the other side i have a heavy heart.

Past few months was definitely a down time. A lot of things had happened and there’s still some concerns that i cannot find the answer. Maybe it was the truth but my mind tells me otherwise. I do not know if im just refusing to believe or this is what my gut is telling me. Either way, Im afraid. Im afraid that Im right all along. 

Giving it up would be easy. We already went through that,many times and still counting. Just wondering how long will i count, how long will i wait? Would it be worth it or we’re both wasting time? 

Honestly i feel sad for you, I know how much effort you’ve put in this relationship but that effort is not enough for what i am feeling right now. Honestly, im still hurting. I want you to move, get out of the way from your comfort zone and show me how much you care or me. Im longing! 

I hate morning thoughts.

Too much to handle

There’s just too much going on right now with work.

I’m so close to the verge of giving up. Things are just getting too hard and I’m getting too overwhelmed. There’s not a day that I go home feeling all happy or well. I always feel wasted and stressed. Their presence suffocates me. Whenever I’m around them, I feel like my head is in a bubble. I can’t concentrate, I can’t connect, I can’t survive. I’m still struggling with wanting to be around.
I’m so scared that if this thing/situation with work continues, I’ll probably lose my passion in Nursing. I don’t want it to happen, I’ve experienced and met a lot of people and workmates in the past but these kinds of people are different. They have such strong sense of power that makes me so weak and sad. This isn’t my normal cycle of pain, this is so overwhelming and consuming. I feel locked out of life and happiness. I’ve been asking a lot of my friends and as well as my mom on how to cope up with this, but I still have no answers and solution.
Everyday, I go to work and I feel like giving up, always hoping that the day would end already and I’ll go home and eat, sit and rest with my dogs and parents, despite the worries and burdens of work. But then again, I would wake up again the following morning trying to face yet another day I would feel giving up.
I know, this is a blessing, a huge one but how come it’s so difficult for me to handle this thing. Have I lost my sense of compassion and strength? Everything has gotten worse. It’s only been 1 month and 2 weeks. But, I already feel like giving up. I’m already halfway given up.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

Self Health persecution

Have you ever had that feeling like you are sick but  you hope that really not?

Like you feel pain all over your body, stomach ache, back ache, headache and you’re nauseous and no, you’re not making it up, you actually feel all those things but you try to hide it and ignore because you’re too scared to go to the doctor. You’re paranoid that they may find something unusual with you and your body. Like it’s something serious. You’re getting paranoid and try to shake it off at the same time. You’re trying to stay calm but whenever those pain comes by triggering your body again you panic and you experience heart palpitations.

I’ve been experiencing those things lately and I’m just too scared. My profession is Nursing but still I can’t handle my self whenever I’m sick and unhealthy.

You’re not you

I heard what you’re doing now. I heard that you are having a good time with your new friends. That you party a lot, free and just being someone you are not. I heard that you and your new friends are getting along well. Really? Do you really think you can get away with all that? Honestly, I don’t really care because I know that all of it are just your facade. I was just wondering, how could you do all that?

Posting photos at the party, flirting and getting drunk with your new girl friends on Facebook. Are you really that disrespectful? For only just 2 weeks you are doing that and you are not really thinking of the pain it will cause me. My friends can see those things and they are really not happy with what you’re doing and it’s effects on me. I’m at the phase of  moving on and yet you go around like nothing happened? How could you seriously do that? Okay, maybe you really want to  enjoy life and be who you want to be. But, how come you became so insensitive? You did not even wait for the pain to subside. You are just thinking of yourself until the end and that is really making me so hurt. I know, all of those things are just part of your pretentious acts, you’re trying to tell yourself that you are doing fine but in reality you are a mess. You are trying to hide all your weakness by showing everyone, including me that you are happy on your own and that you are enjoying your life being free and with new friends but when you’re alone, you think of me and how you’ll ever move on without me. You think you are being yourself and just doing the things that you like, but we both know that you’re just wasting your time because everything that you’re doing now are just for the moment. All of those friends, that you think are your friends will all be gone without you even taking a blink.  The best friends that you’ll have in life are the ones that challenge you and make you grow into a better person and not just someone you go out every Friday or Saturday night with . But, whatever reasons you have, I  do know that it’s not you. It’s just a part of you trying to move on and forget, and you are doing it quickly because you just wanted to end the pain as soon as possible. Surely you’re going to be a wreck in no time.  I did not make that decision, so I think it’s my right to have the respect that I deserve. If you really care about me, you should have been sensitive. But, maybe you’re really not. That’s why you keep on hurting me, even after we’re gone.

Whatever you’re doing now, I just want you to be happy but be man enough to think about  my feelings, even if you don’t love me or care for me anymore. I think I deserve some respect. I think that after 3 years, I’ve done my part saving you and this time, I want you to pick up yourself. I care about you a lot.  Do not settle for temporary things. You might think that you’re okay now. But, you’re not.

And so I thought

I was planning things and doing things to keep me occupied and busy. I tried not talking about him and also I tried not looking at his online accounts but I failed! It is really painful just thinking that he might be having a good time on his own. That he might be going out and partying with his new friends especially girls. I’m having endless thoughts about him and it’s not good.

Thinking of him sometimes leads me to assuming and expecting that someday he might come back and confess his love again to me. I hate myself for letting this thought run through my mind all the time. Expecting is not good and assuming things is not either. I’m starting to be hopeful but I know that it is not right and that I need to move forward but I just can’t do it right now. I’m having a really difficult time letting go. Everyday, I read books, watch movies and even go out with my friends but still my mind wanders to where he is, who is he with and what he is doing at the moment. I’m a mess right now. I really am. I seriously need to learn how to let go. I’ve been hurt but it seems like the same person who caused me pain will still be the one who’ll make this pain fade away. This is just so not fair.

I really need time, I know. But, I can’t help but pity myself for feeling this way. I feel so helpless and weak. I have my friends who’s always there when I need them but why do I feel like something is missing. I guess I’m just disappointed with myself right now. I don’t know what to do anymore. Words are just not enough to tell how vague I’m feeling now.

I’ll miss your skin when you were east.

 

There were times were you just sit quietly and think about what is happening around you. You see other people moving and smiling but you just stare at them blankly as if they can’t see you. Sometimes, you wonder why you need to stay when everyone else is changing.

I started my summer crying. I never thought that our relationship will end up like this. But, maybe too much of something is really never good. We had so many fights and misunderstandings. Our relationship turned upside down with that one mistake. I gave him time and space for him to realize how important our relationship is but it was the other way for him. I can’t blame myself. I can’t blame him. I don’t want to.

From our relationship, I learned that people are constantly changing, including me, that people are changing not for their selves but also for the people around them. That it’s better to leave than to stay when there is already no place to stay at. It’s better to leave the pieces than bother to pick it up. I definitely learned to love someone selflessly. To give without hesitations and to give without asking something in return. I’m not sure if that is love though, but I do know that it feels better to be with someone who knows exactly who you are. I realize that people may love you now but there will be a time where they just leave you whether you like it or not. I also learned how to be patient. I used to be so stubborn and impatient. I hate waiting. But because of him, I learned to wait for someone. I learned that distance is nothing as long as you’re there for each other. Everything that you want will be just in you hand if you’re willing and you have the courage to get it.

For the last two days, I found out what he really wanted. He said he loves me. He said that he loves me just like the first time that he saw me. I love him too. He said that he wanted time for himself. He wants to explore the world, he wants to meet new people, he wants to have a name in his field, he wants to experience new things. He wants to do all those things, the only problem was that he wants to experience those things without me. He wants to have time for himself because he said that he spent 3 years of his life caring and understanding me. He said that for those 3 years he’s been doing things and deciding things for me. He always thought that everything will fall into place just as long as he’ll think of me. I can’t forget the night where he cried his heart out to me. He cried , just like a toddler when their mother leaves for work. I’m confused on how you manage to be in a relationship when you’re not ready to give up or sacrifice some of the things in life in order to be in a relationship. Maybe he’s in a phase in his life where he’s finally getting his self to lose control. I really don’t know what’s happening. I still have so many questions but I let them left to be unanswered. I think it’s better that way.

I honestly hate him for leaving me in the edge. I think it’s wrathfully unfair for him to leave me and think only for himself. But, I have no choice but to let him go and live his life. I love him but I need to let go of the love I feel for him. I’m in pain but knowing that I’ll love again somehow eases the pain. I don’t know where I’m headed and I don’t know how I’ll manage to cope with this.I lost a love but I learned to love more. I’m not mad about love instead I’m amazed on how it can change someone’s life in a blink of an eye.

Leap year

It’s the last day of february. It’s the 29th and this is supposed to be our first leap year monthsary.

I don’t know why but I’m seriously nervous for this coming weekend. It will be a long one for sure. I know we are not together anymore. That he decided to end it up and that he wanted to just be on his own. I know that it’s for the best. That sometimes, you just know when it’s enough already. I tried to change but I failed. He tried to be patient but he just had too much of it. Still I insisted that we should go together on that vacation. That maybe it’s our time to talk and think about things between us. I’m scared and I’m a bit bothered. I’m scared that I may not be able to handle the words and things that he might say. I’m  bothered that it will turn out to be a disaster. I miss our old selves. I really do. I miss how we talk, I miss how we laugh and I just miss how we look at each other. Everything about us just changed. It seems like we are strangers again to each other. For the past week, we’ve been seeing and talking with each other but I’m starting to notice how different he is now. He’s not the same. He is pulling away from me.

This coming weekend, I want to know everything. I want him to look at me and tell me everything that I needed to hear. I want him to open his heart to me and show me why this is happening to us. I need to know.

I still have no idea on what I will do after this weekend. But, what I do know is that, whatever happens it’s for the both of us. It’s for our own sake. Things happen and no one knows why but if it’s for the better then surely it will also be worth it.