Breaking the rules

Today, i am crying. I am devastated and disappointed. Im thinking over and over again. Analyzing, contemplating. I am trying hard to be open minded but i can’t, i could not. I really do not understand what is happening and why is it happening. Is there anything wrong with me? Would anything be much better if i had known this then? 

The pain is fresh. A reopened wound. Traumatized. I do not understand. I am looking for reasons, reasons that i will not have now, i dont know when but definitely not now. The timing is bad and the situation is a blur. We are a mess once again. 

We were almost there. I almost believed you. I Thank God for this sign. Am I ready? 😩


Quick post: Cold feet

I’m scared. I was happy a few hours ago but then, thinking about a lot of things turned my mood upside down.

I’m terrified.. of the future, I’m unknown and still wandering to where I am going. I don’t know which path is for me and which one is misleading. I’m floating, I’m stagnant and I’m undecided.

I’m afraid.. for my parents, time is so fast and they’re snatching away the years. If only I could stop everything and just hug them.

I’m worried.. for us, for him. I want this to last. I want this so bad. Is he the one or this is just a phase? Can we make it or not?

I’m scared.

Make it three!

I’ve been working in my job as a clinic nurse for 3 months now, to be specific, Nov. 1 was the mark of my third month and I must say that I’ve come this far with my eyes closed and my hands clasped. It’s been a difficult 3 months. I lost a few pounds and I’ve had dark circles around my eyes, I really looked old, I feel like I’ve been here for ages!!

There are a lot of things that I’ve experienced and realized for that 3 months, Here are some of them:

> I realized that it’s challenging to work inside the mall. Everyday that I go to work or my break time, I see a lot of new products, discounted gadgets and buffets that I just can’t resist. This is were self control and self limitations comes. Whenever it’s payday, I always make it a point to eat or dine in a fine restaurant or maybe take out a food to satisfy my cravings. This is really compromising my money and as well as body. Whew!

> It’s true that you cannot please everybody, same way that they cannot please you too. There are a lot of people that you will never understand or you will never like no matter what you do. I’ve already mastered the art of faking a smiling or laughing face just to make them feel satisfied. Most of them are kind of weird and moody, and no matter what they do or what you do, I always think that they are irritating and annoying. Good thing, one of my Bestfriends is there or else I’ll be found in a  mental facility.

>Eating alone is not that bad. I don’t feel like eating with most of them. I just eat out with those people whom I’m comfortable being with and when they’re not around, I just usually swift away from the clinic and be lost somewhere in the food court area. I feel quite relieved to eat alone, away from those people that just worsens my stress. That way, I don’t have the need to think of any topic to keep them entertained while eating. 

> Wealthy and educated people don’t usually act the way that they should. Most of them are a bit rude and lacks patience. Sometimes they will yell at you even though you’re not the one to blame and even though you have explained very well their queries and complaints, they still give you the high tone of voice that only your parents can do to you! Yes, they are well-off but that doesn’t give them any license to make you look bad and say inappropriate words to you. Simple and a bit cliche but this is the reality. Money for them is power. 

> Weekends are truly special. When you work in a shifting schedule, sometimes you realized how lucky you are to be given a one day off that’s a Saturday or Sunday. You just want to make use of it in a very productive way like going out with friends or your special someone, or maybe just staying at home watching you fave TV series and movies. 

>It’s nice to wake up early in the morning. Time is so fast during the morning while time is like forever during the afternoon and night. Of course, nobody wants to go home late at night. Be minded that during the night, there are a lot of scary corners in Metro Manila that you have to be alert. 

>I learned and got used to drinking coffee and teas. I never liked coffee but ever since I started working in the clinic, I always feel a bit weak and loss of motivation. I felt like drinking coffee, can actually help me..or maybe not.

> Never bring your stress and sadness at home. Lately, I’ve been so stressed that I even panicked and got paranoid about work and some other things that whenever I go home, I tend to drop the bomb onto my parents and I know that it’s not right. I just lack self restraint.

>Friends always make a way to see you and be with you. I feel so special whenever my friends adjust to my schedule and financial capabilities just to be with me. They are wonderful. Workmates and acquaintances can never suffice your true friends. 

There! I’ve said it all.. or not? I know there are still a lot of things that I want to say but, some of them are lost in my train of thoughts. Maybe, I’ll just add them on my fourth month or maybe sixth month! I’m just keeping my fingers crossed. 


Quick post: Taped and Plastered

I’m supposed to be chilling and just enjoying my off-from-work day, but instead I feel a bit annoyed and wiped off.

Isn’t it a dismay when people accused you of not doing anything they said or asked you to do but honestly you have no idea what they are talking about. From what I remembered, they did not ask me to do anything or I can’t even remember if they asked any favor from me. Have I lost my memory? Nah! Definitely not! So, it is not right that you start to say not-so-good things to me when clearly, you’ve been misguided.

What’s more disgruntling is that I have no right to say anything about it. I have no right to reason out and explain my side or what I do know.  

Arrgh! Sometimes, Old people are just irritating and more rigid than a kid.

Where to start?

I know it’s quite irritating to always hear brags and rants. However, I just want to let it all out. It’s because I’m feeling kind of frustrated nowadays. A continuous state of bafflement. Again, I’m so confused and it’s all about my career, job and probably my future. I got so much in my mind but I can’t seem to choose what to do first. Again, I’m undecided and it’s becoming so depressing or maybe I’m just over-thinking and over-analyzing things but I can’t help it. I got so many what if’s and they are all adding up to all my questions hanging up like clouds and their blocking my view to a brighter future. Ugh. I don’t want to sit at home and be lonely and wait for a sign or what. I want it to happen now, but that’s obviously impossible. Plus, I still have issues with my mom regarding my career choice. Ugh, I can’t deal with this anymore. 

“Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some. We are less dissatisfied when we lack many things than when we seem to lack but one thing.”

 Eric Hoffer quotes



Tell me more about

I really have a short temper and patience. I get really stubborn at times too. I always wanted things to go my way and if it will not, I will surely be disappointed.

When people ask you of what they wanted you to do, and you try your best to make it happen but at the end of the day, they are the ones who will be backing out and make other plans. Ahh.. that’s what really pisses me off. You shouldn’t have asked in the first place. I just wasted my time, effort and sometimes money. That really sucks!

I’m not really good in making plans but when I want it I really try to do it even without anyone’s help. I can get really frustrated at times, so it doubles my frustrations and disappointments whenever it doesn’t work out. Oh life!