Fresh Air: What the truth feels like

Prior to what I found out months ago. For the past years, I had been feeling doubtful about him, about his feelings for me and mostly about our relationship. I always felt like something is missing, like there is some hindrance or vast of ocean that separates us both emotionally and physically. I have always felt like I’ve been sharing him with somebody or someone, I just do not know it yet..

Even after I got pregnant and we lived together, I had that same feelings and nothing changed until I found out everything.

I do not know when it all happened, but somehow, gradually, one morning, I became calm. I must admit, when the truth came out, now that I have all the details, and after his confessions.. I felt a whole new level of calmness and ease. It is like getting to know him all over again. I started to feel that everything was okay. I no longer have the urge to check his phone, his accounts and what he is doing time after time. I no longer care, doubts have lessen, and I guess, women’s instinct is real.

I don’t know how but finding out about it, right now, there’s a certain feeling of contentment, a fresh air.

2017: A look back

i was reading my 2018 horoscope overview and realized if my 2017 horoscope somehow come close on what was perceived prior 2017, funny that somehow the predictions were close to it, but yes! I do believe in zodiac signs and horoscopes or how the sun, moon, stars and planets aligned and its effects on someone’s life. Heh.

Anyway, I’ve been occupied with a lot of things, including the holiday rush and my baby, I was not able to update my blog for some weeks or even a month?

Looking back, 2017 was definitely a year of struggles, emotions and improvements all at the same time. Half of the year were hardships and failures and the second half were full of hope and progress.

I honestly think that this was a make or break year for my relationship and my family. I lost a whole lot of self-esteem and I’m glad that I’m somehow back on track.

Here’s a quick overview of how my 2017 went:

January: Well, the year started with the proofs and all, January 1 marked it. He received a text from someone saying “Happy New year too, babe”, after that, everything became a blur, we fought on the first day of the year. I knew then that that message will be the start of something more.

February: I felt distant, I knew that something was up! I’m living with a stranger and a life full of lies. We celebrated Valentine’s Day, he prepared something special but I smelled something fishy, definitely not the Honey Garlic Salmon that he made that night. He went out the next day, the prices were down, and so he might as well availed.

March: We fought almost every day and I started investigating and found his online accounts, his comments and all. I had panic and anxiety attacks. He kept on lying or lying with girls? Lol. I cannot sleep, I cannot eat. I am watching and waiting of what will happen next. Almost thought that I am having post-partum whatever but I knew better. I felt sorry for my baby.

Still on track with my plans to save. I opened my UITF account.

April: Bam! I found out about it (Praying really helps!), running through his Grab history while he was sleeping, I was able to confirm them. He denied everything but it was all in front of us. Everything happened so fast. He hurt me physically and mentally. His father knew about it, I said it to everyone. He has no shame at all or was he?

May: It was hazy. He confessed. I was not happy, I wake up dragging myself to work. I kept on praying, I kept on reading on things to do. I was a mess. I came home drunk day after day. Self-esteem went downhill. My birthday was nothing special, it was the worst. I even went to a counsellor! I want to get out!!!

June: I found out that he tried to contact someone from that place. I decided to move. I went back to our house, to my parents’. I cried all day and night. I only had full of hate for him. A month full of contemplation. Full of doubts and decisions to made. I finally gave him a chance, our family a second chance.

I got so busy with my Baby’s first Birthday DIYs.

July:  It was my baby’s 1^st birthday. We came back. I stopped checking his online accounts’ activities. I decided to focus on myself and my baby. Anxieties and nightmares are still there. Every night I pray for guidance.

August: Slowly I am starting to get back up. I keep moving but it is hard. Somehow living a normal life. My baby is growing more handsome every day!

Still focused on my goal. Finally opened my Stocks account but hasn’t started trading yet.

September: I decided to learn how to do make up. I watched tons of YouTube videos from Michelle Dy, Anna Cay and Tina Yong. I bought the necessary materials. I started to love make up!

October: I got back into reading and still more about make ups! Better late than never! Anyway, we celebrated his birthday like a normal family.

November: Christmas is fast approaching, we started our Christmas shopping as early and we also put up our Christmas tree last week of November. We went to a disastrous birthday party. There are still fights (financial and some personal things) but I am keeping my hopes high.

December: Fully scheduled Month. We had lots of events to attend. We went to a wedding, Christmas parties (went to our company Yearend event and I did my make up!!) and family gatherings. It is funny but whenever my baby sees us hugging he would beam and laugh out loud, definitely something that will always melt my heart.

Oh!! I started baking too! (Still needs more practice btw!) J J J

Well, I guess that’s it. First 6-7 months were definitely something I would rather forget but turns out, they were as clear as water while I’m writing this. I honestly mostly remember those first few months of the year than the recent ones. Heh!

If there’s one thing that I realized about this year, it was definitely all about myself and how strong I have become all these months. Some would ask me why I came back, I came back not because I’m weak, but because I am strong and I know that, everyone knows that. I was able to pick myself up with the help of my friends, best friends and my mother. I surely felt that something in me have changed into something better and prouder.

I came back stronger than before and more hopeful. I look at my son and have seen how fast he have grown and my love for him grows a billion hearts more. My growth game is definitely strong because of my son. 🙂

I will put on my Goals for 2018 for my next post!! Excited to make all of it into a reality!!

Gone are the days

Maybe Im crazy or maybe im just overanalyzing things but i sure know that something is different,something is not the same between us.

7 years, i cannot lie, half of it was a struggle but the other half was full of butterflies in the stomach and sunny days. Happy days still makes me smile but on the other side i have a heavy heart.

Past few months was definitely a down time. A lot of things had happened and there’s still some concerns that i cannot find the answer. Maybe it was the truth but my mind tells me otherwise. I do not know if im just refusing to believe or this is what my gut is telling me. Either way, Im afraid. Im afraid that Im right all along. 

Giving it up would be easy. We already went through that,many times and still counting. Just wondering how long will i count, how long will i wait? Would it be worth it or we’re both wasting time? 

Honestly i feel sad for you, I know how much effort you’ve put in this relationship but that effort is not enough for what i am feeling right now. Honestly, im still hurting. I want you to move, get out of the way from your comfort zone and show me how much you care or me. Im longing! 

I hate morning thoughts.

You’re making me.

Everytime that you open your mouth, I want to kill myself. I want to forget everything. I want to disappear. All this hurt, I feel like it’s trying to explode out of me.

You’re making me hate you. You’re doing and saying things that destroys our family. I just can’t understand you anymore. It kills me to see you like this. It hurts me to see my mother suffer from you. I’m tired of waking up to the sound of your temper. You’re wasting time.

I think of running away, far from you and your regrets. Far from your animosities. But, I can’t, we couldn’t. It seems like there’s no chance for you to change. I’m just sick of it.

Quick post: in a huff

I’m feeling quite sulky because I haven’t seen him for a while. I know it’s not that long (2 weeks, I think) but, I miss him so much already. I have so much to tell him about my new experiences with my work, my co-workers, how I’m enjoying my new environment and how I’ve been adapting. All those stories are just kept until we see each other. All we have is texting, messaging through the internet and chat, but it’s really different when you talk to them personally or even hear their voice. It’s upsetting to know that you’re just in the same place but it seems like you’re having a long distance relationship.. the worse part? We don’t see each other and we don’t even call each other. Funny how we manage to do that. I’m really upset but of course, I didn’t tell him because I’m sure that he will just think that I’m too clingy and it’s just a waste of time and money. It makes me think that maybe he thinks that I’m all over the place and he needs time alone or time for himself. 

Oh well, maybe I’ll just make use of my days and do some “ME” time. I’m planning on watching a movie alone this weekend. I’m sure it’ll be a breather for me. =)

 

Rubber stamp

Funny how I notice couples who do those public display of affection thingy and say bitchy comments about them and how much I’m annoyed with them, that I may even ask them to get a room! But then, thinking of how me and my boyfriend act when we’re together makes no difference from them. We are even worst! =))

We bully each other, we say awful things about each other, the way we look and the way we talk. We make faces and he always try to tickle my armpits while I try not to burst into my explosive eruption of laughter. I love curling up to his embrace and he likes snuggling with my kisses. If some stranger would see us, they might think that we’re just new couples because of the way we act when we’re together.

 

Where are those days?

Since when did I become possessive, pointless, too controlling, jealous pain in the ass?

It’s official, I’ve fallen to a lower state. Right now, I’m feeling so disgusted with myself, especially when I saw that video post about the overly attached girlfriend. Sad to say, but I have to admit that I was a little affected by that video and I can sense that I’m slowly becoming that irritating person.

I used to be so carefree, stress free and confident. I realized that I need to loosen a bit! Get back to my old self and back on the track. Back to where I was able to hold my self and just let things go. I miss those days where I was so strong and not afraid at all. I wish I can go back to those days where I’m still not bound with these insecurities and jealousy.

I want to be worry free. I want to be confident again and I want to be able to work on my weaknesses just like the old days. To let go and not possess anybody. I have to know that this is not the worst of the situations and that I need to be tougher. I want to be able to fully trust someone, if not, maybe at least believe in that person and hope that everything is fine. I want to stare at a picture of myself, smiling or laughing, seeing how genuinely happy I am and thinking how I’ve got through all of this. I want those back.
From now on, I refuse to give in to the horrible illness that has taken so many memories and people away from me. I know it won’t happen in just a snap and it will take time but I’m doing it. Yes, I have doubts. That’s why I create all safety measures, surround him by every trick, by cunningness, by cleverness, so that he cannot leave me like before. I was traumatized but  I’m killing love. Love is freedom. Love is being free and all about living life.

I need to blow my worries to the wind…and just believe.

While I was doing this post, I suddenly remembered Regina Spektor’s new song and unexpectedly it fit exactly on what I’ve been thinking and dwelling today.

All the Rowboats is all about great artworks being locked up and hidden from the world. It’s our tendency to keep and limit the beautiful and amazing things locked up, when they should be exposed and free for everyone to appreciate. But sometimes, we admire them so much that we’re already destroying them. Intentionally and unintentionally.

The music is very classic and astounding.

Fits perfectly to my mood today.

If you really love, there is no need to possess.
– Osho

Protected: Another episode of neurotoxicity

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I mistakenly let you..

I mistakenly let you tug at my heart strings a bit, as if it was already yours to play with.

You want a new life. But you take the new one you get every morning for granted.

There’s no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it’s gone it’s like it wasn’t there at all

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.

I try to teach my heart not to want things it can’t have.

Hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated.

Sometime around midnight by the airborne toxic event.

You just have to see her
and you know that she’ll break you in two.

As much as I enjoy the concept of being “just friends,” in reality, it’s a bizarre form of torture.

What hurts more than a promise broken is a promise not even remembered.

There is always going to be that one awkward moment when you walk by that person & remember all that you once had.

Reality bites: Trust

Trusting someone. Do we really need to trust someone? Is it that important? Can you really trust someone wholeheartedly? Without any questions and doubts? Are you brave enough to take a risk and trust someone?

I’ve been betrayed many times, by my friends, special someone and even a family member.

Different aspects and levels but still.. I was betrayed.

The feeling is nothing but awful, it’s like letting them bite you in the ass.  It’s exposing yourself out in the open and letting them have a feast.

Trust makes you vulnerable but it also opens us to new possibilities and chances. If you trust too much, you will be deceived and if not you’ll just let the opportunities pass. You have to remind yourself not to open up and be too honest with people. They said that “The best proof of love is trust”, therefore you have to trust yourself in order to love yourself. I can’t really apply that on relationships though because for me Trust in relationships are a bit overrated and overused that it becomes vague and meaningless.

I think that trusting is not about the other person, it’s not about how good he/she treats you because I can assure you that.. someday, somehow they will betray you in any way without you even knowing it.

I’m not a hater neither am I a bitter person, I just lack the will to trust others anymore. I believe that it’s important to trust God first and then yourself.

Cursed is the man who trusts in man And makes flesh his strength, Whose heart departs from the Lord.” Jeremiah 17:5