Trying for Another shot

Tomorrow, I’ll be having an interview with another company. I’m kind of hesitant because I’m not really sure about the position that I’m applying for. It was a company referred by my College friend and she’s also not sure what positions are open. What I do know, is that, I want to try my luck.

In my recent posts regarding my work, I’ve been ranting and sharing my feelings about my co workers and the way they manage the clinic or company. I’m not happy, I’m just getting used to doing the work and talking to them even though I don’t really want to mingle with them. This is the first time that I’ve met a bunch of people  who’s materialistic, histrionic and plastic (I usually meet one or two, but this time it’s a group of people). I don’t want to be like them or even know more about them. I’m just tired of pretending. I can still remember when I got that job, I was so damn happy, but now, smiling is just a smile, I can’t even show any real emotion. I’m tired.

I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow, of course I’m hoping for a positive remark. If not, then, I will try again and again. I’m open to changes and opportunities. If there’s a better one, I will not hesitate to grab and take that chance, even if it means a turn in my career choice. This time, I’m certain. Wish me luck tomorrow! =)

Quick post: When things go wrong..

“If you don’t like the system, get out of the system”

A quote, I remembered from my coworker at my previous job. I lasted for about a year and months with my last work and I can say that even though there are a lot of issues that I’ve had with that company, I stayed very long because I find comfort with my co workers and they listen to our complaints, although they don’t always do much with our concerns.

Right now, I’m planning of resigning, not this month but maybe next month or until January, I can’t take the pressure any longer, aside from the irate patients which I sometimes can get a hold of because I’m not good in anger management either. I also experience, lack of comfort and complacency from my co workers, including the managers and staffs. Even those people are backstabbing and condemning each other.

This place is the worst! Sometimes, you just feel that enough is really enough. As much as I want to voice out my feelings and observations, I can’t and I don’t want to cause more misunderstandings and chaos.

Right now, I just can’t wait for this year to end.

Make it three!

I’ve been working in my job as a clinic nurse for 3 months now, to be specific, Nov. 1 was the mark of my third month and I must say that I’ve come this far with my eyes closed and my hands clasped. It’s been a difficult 3 months. I lost a few pounds and I’ve had dark circles around my eyes, I really looked old, I feel like I’ve been here for ages!!

There are a lot of things that I’ve experienced and realized for that 3 months, Here are some of them:

> I realized that it’s challenging to work inside the mall. Everyday that I go to work or my break time, I see a lot of new products, discounted gadgets and buffets that I just can’t resist. This is were self control and self limitations comes. Whenever it’s payday, I always make it a point to eat or dine in a fine restaurant or maybe take out a food to satisfy my cravings. This is really compromising my money and as well as body. Whew!

> It’s true that you cannot please everybody, same way that they cannot please you too. There are a lot of people that you will never understand or you will never like no matter what you do. I’ve already mastered the art of faking a smiling or laughing face just to make them feel satisfied. Most of them are kind of weird and moody, and no matter what they do or what you do, I always think that they are irritating and annoying. Good thing, one of my Bestfriends is there or else I’ll be found in a  mental facility.

>Eating alone is not that bad. I don’t feel like eating with most of them. I just eat out with those people whom I’m comfortable being with and when they’re not around, I just usually swift away from the clinic and be lost somewhere in the food court area. I feel quite relieved to eat alone, away from those people that just worsens my stress. That way, I don’t have the need to think of any topic to keep them entertained while eating. 

> Wealthy and educated people don’t usually act the way that they should. Most of them are a bit rude and lacks patience. Sometimes they will yell at you even though you’re not the one to blame and even though you have explained very well their queries and complaints, they still give you the high tone of voice that only your parents can do to you! Yes, they are well-off but that doesn’t give them any license to make you look bad and say inappropriate words to you. Simple and a bit cliche but this is the reality. Money for them is power. 

> Weekends are truly special. When you work in a shifting schedule, sometimes you realized how lucky you are to be given a one day off that’s a Saturday or Sunday. You just want to make use of it in a very productive way like going out with friends or your special someone, or maybe just staying at home watching you fave TV series and movies. 

>It’s nice to wake up early in the morning. Time is so fast during the morning while time is like forever during the afternoon and night. Of course, nobody wants to go home late at night. Be minded that during the night, there are a lot of scary corners in Metro Manila that you have to be alert. 

>I learned and got used to drinking coffee and teas. I never liked coffee but ever since I started working in the clinic, I always feel a bit weak and loss of motivation. I felt like drinking coffee, can actually help me..or maybe not.

> Never bring your stress and sadness at home. Lately, I’ve been so stressed that I even panicked and got paranoid about work and some other things that whenever I go home, I tend to drop the bomb onto my parents and I know that it’s not right. I just lack self restraint.

>Friends always make a way to see you and be with you. I feel so special whenever my friends adjust to my schedule and financial capabilities just to be with me. They are wonderful. Workmates and acquaintances can never suffice your true friends. 

There! I’ve said it all.. or not? I know there are still a lot of things that I want to say but, some of them are lost in my train of thoughts. Maybe, I’ll just add them on my fourth month or maybe sixth month! I’m just keeping my fingers crossed. 

 

Quick post: Glassy eyed

I am unhappy, I’m not sure where I am going. 

It seems like I’m wandering to nowhere and I can’t even trace my own shadow. I’m desolated and puzzled. I have no motivation at all. It’s in my mind but I can’t do a thing about it. I lack trust in myself and as well with everything around me. When will I have inspiration and impulse to do all the things that I want?! 

Something sneaky

I was thinking of something special for his birthday but I’m out of my consciousness nowadays and I just can’t do much because of lack of time, distance and of course financial needs.

We usually go out whenever we have a special occasion or things to celebrate about. But, I realized that, it’s not always like that. It’s okay with me because I know that we still have our whole different lives apart and we need to breathe away from each other every now and then. Maybe, I was just thinking to much on how to make him happy on his special day just like what he did on my Birthday.

Being in a long term relationship is sometimes really disappointing. I get to think what to give him every year for birthdays, anniversaries and Christmas days. It’s really exhausting to think especially when you lack money and time to make or buy them. I like surprises and that’s why I always want to surprise him.

I just thought of giving him some things that he can use everyday. And since we we’re not able to see each other that day, he said that he just wants to go home and spend time with his family, while I was expecting that he would somehow invite me to their house but he did not so I was sad and really devastated that day. I thought that I won’t able to give my gift. Even though my gifts are just simple things, not really expensive, I really want to give them to him on that special day, to somehow make him realized that I’m happy that he was given another year to enjoy life. So, I decided to contact his sisters and luckily they responded and helped me. (credit goes to his younger sister! =)) I waited all day, I was at work 7am until 4pm and I waited for 3 hrs. I was so tired, but I was smiling when I got home.

I know that he will not like my gifts but I thought that maybe it will somehow surprise him to see his gifts in his room. Good thing, I was not able to see his expressions of disappointments. At least, I did my job and even though he did not really liked them ( of course he said he liked them, but boo! I know the truth!) , I’m still happy that I did that. Maybe I was just expecting a bit more appreciation from him.

Nothing to fall back on nothing.

I’m telling you with my eyes. Not with my words.

I really wished it happened.. or maybe not.

Differences between a relationship and a lie..

turns into confusion and distractions.

Everything was perfect and then gone.

Will I ever be enough?

When it comes to you, I don’t know what to do.

More promises, more expectations.

Pointless nights and empty satisfactions.

I know I’ve had enough, but I can’t get enough of you.

Quick post: Hornswoggle

“To cheat oneself out of love is the most terrible deception; it is an eternal loss for which there is no reparation, either in time or in eternity.” – Soren Kierkegaard”

What is it about movies about cheating here in the Philippines? They’re coming like chicken laying eggs or something. I’m not sure If they want people to learn a lesson about not cheating or teaching them how to. I really don’t know, and what I don’t understand is that why do people cheat? If you don’t love the other person, leave and move on. Find a new one and be happy, isn’t it easier? 

I’ve been cheated and I still don’t know why and how it happened but what I do know is that it is awful. The feeling is awful and it’s taking advantage. It’s misleading and everyone who’s involve is a loser. It’s just funny to know that people loves feeling pain and being hurt. It’s never the easy way out.

 

 

Too much to handle

There’s just too much going on right now with work.

I’m so close to the verge of giving up. Things are just getting too hard and I’m getting too overwhelmed. There’s not a day that I go home feeling all happy or well. I always feel wasted and stressed. Their presence suffocates me. Whenever I’m around them, I feel like my head is in a bubble. I can’t concentrate, I can’t connect, I can’t survive. I’m still struggling with wanting to be around.
I’m so scared that if this thing/situation with work continues, I’ll probably lose my passion in Nursing. I don’t want it to happen, I’ve experienced and met a lot of people and workmates in the past but these kinds of people are different. They have such strong sense of power that makes me so weak and sad. This isn’t my normal cycle of pain, this is so overwhelming and consuming. I feel locked out of life and happiness. I’ve been asking a lot of my friends and as well as my mom on how to cope up with this, but I still have no answers and solution.
Everyday, I go to work and I feel like giving up, always hoping that the day would end already and I’ll go home and eat, sit and rest with my dogs and parents, despite the worries and burdens of work. But then again, I would wake up again the following morning trying to face yet another day I would feel giving up.
I know, this is a blessing, a huge one but how come it’s so difficult for me to handle this thing. Have I lost my sense of compassion and strength? Everything has gotten worse. It’s only been 1 month and 2 weeks. But, I already feel like giving up. I’m already halfway given up.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

My day: There is something seriously wrong somewhere.

It was a truly long and unintelligible day for me. Too plenty to talk about and to short to whine about. Let’s allow the bullets to speak out.

> Woke up late because my work starts at 11am

> Tried my charm talking to lots of people.

> Tried getting along with my co-workers hoping that they would respond positively.

> Observed another Treadmill test. Confusing but apprehensible.

>Saw my boyfriend’s cousin and aunt together with the children having a check up at the clinic. Had a short chat with them.

> Had an awry PPD skin test injection to a 2 year old child. This made my day into a gruesome one. I’m so paranoid that the injection spot would form an edema or be inflamed and would lead me to have an IR. =((( That would be the end of me.

> I was (and still) preoccupied the remaining hours after the incident.

> Went to my boyfriend’s house (to eat, because I know my mother will not prepare food for me), found out he’s sick.

> His parents interrogating me and asking questions about my new work, salary, phone fights and my parents not knowing about Biggy. Pressure time.

> Sudden turn of emotion when I saw Biggy’s baby pic and His father’s baby pic. They look like twins!

Right now, I’m so sleepy but I cannot sleep. I keep on thinking about that injection incident and I feel like I’m about to burst from my paranoia and uneasiness. So help me Lord God.

Spotlight: Work issues

Oh how I miss blogging. Since I started my new work, I haven’t continuously updating my blog and I miss doing it.

This past few days, I’ve been so frantic with all the work loads and with a lot of new information with my work. I’m so distressed and troubled. I’m so much affected with every word and move that they’ll say especially about me. What irritates me the most is that whenever they try to compare us (all the newbies). Every one of us has their own style and own way of learning, some people learn simultaneously  but some learn slowly. It depends on their nature, habits and personality. Ugh! I just hate it when they do that!  I hate it, it’s just so unfair!

I just can not make sense of people at work, as well as the irate patients, they say one thing to your face and another behind your back.And for some sick, deranged reason I am meant to feel okay with this, as if it was my choice to end up this way?! And I am also suppose to be okay with this, I am suppose to pretend and just don’t care about all of it. I just don’t know how to blend with them!  My only consolation above all of those things is the smile that some of the patients give me whenever I talk to them. 

Because of all the issues and concerns that I’ve been receiving and experiencing from my co-workers, managers and other clinic staffs, I keep on blubbering them to my friends.

And I can see that everyone has given up on me, the whole entire world has given up on me.They tell me, this is just new work blues, get over it. But there is so much emotions, hurt, fear and pain built up in me, I just can’t contain it anymore.
Everyone has given up on me.

For now, I must live with this quote:

All things are difficult before they are easy.
Thomas Fuller