Something’s been bothering me for the longest time

I’ve been busy recently juggling motherhood and work. It’s really tiring but Mason has been a ball of happiness and I just can’t get enough of him. I think we have a love-hate relationship. One moment I hate him because he’s so stubborn and all over the place but the next minute we’re cuddling, kissing and laughing like we’ve known each other forever.

I’m a paranoid person. Yes, really paranoid. I get anxious about something in a snap and I tend to think and over-analyze things. I always have the worst case scenario in my mind and Bryan would translate this as being a pessimist person.

Last Month, Mason had wounds and scars all over his body, more like eczema. We went and visited his original Pedia near my Parent’s house and it was diagnosed as IMPETIGO. Well, nothing to worry because it just needs antibiotic and some ointment. But what really got me worried was because the Pedia asked if he can now say some words, we were not sure if he really can say words because we only hear syllables and sounds of him blabbing. One time we heard him say dididi.. is this daddy? Mimimi.. Mommy? and Dede..or booby? We are not sure. We are in doubt. Then, one thing caught my attention is that he tip toes. His pedia suggested we go and check with a developmental pedia to make sure.

Her feedback, woke up my inner senses. Is my son making eye contact? Does he look when I call his name? Does he point or wave? Sleep issues? Mason at 20 months looks all normal to us but these signs that I googled are showing signs that I am scared about. But come to think of it, I never really modeled pointing and waving, I did not teach him that much, we don’t usually talk to him, we just let him watch tv all day!! We never let him go outside of our house to see other people except on weekends where we go to his Grandpa and Grandma. Am I bad parent?

After that Pedia check up, I kept on googling. Same concerns and diagnosis were coming up, the more I search, the more I get scared. I opened it up to Bryan and my Mom and they got angry at me, they’re telling me to give Mason a chance, that not all child are the same in developments and milestones, that instead of looking at the wrong signs, I should be looking at his achievements.

I started to intervene and I kept on reading. I changed our ways, I made a routine. Just this April, I asked my Mom and Bryan to limit TV time. No TV in the morning until after lunch, TV will be 2hrs only. I started waking Mason up in the morning at 7am to go outside, expose him to the sun, play with him and let him see other people. I also became consistent in reading books to him, I played with him, I try to follow his lead , floortime and I teach him pretend play, I devoted my time on him when we’re together and its just two weeks since I started and I’ve already seen some improvements.

My mom taught him how to bless (bless you), I taught him how to kiss and High Five. He also started sleeping early and waking up early. We never really had issues in feeding him. He likes to eat food, biscuits, rice and whatever we put on his plate. He also know now how to use the spoon because he used to use only fork. No Pointing yet, but he pokes point some things that he sees. But I try to point and point and point so that he’ll mimic what I’m doing. I noticed one time, we saw kids playing basketball and the next day, he was trying to play basketball in the court where he saw the kids. He also imitates us when we mop or sweep the floor. He has always been so social, he likes playing with other kids, he approaches and smiles at them whenever he sees toddlers like him. He also gives me his food whenever I ask him by opening my mouth so as to say Ahhh, then he puts it in my mouth, he learned to take his shoes when he sees us going to the door. He likes scribbling so I bought him papers and colorpens. He loves his Mega bloks and that’s the first thing he does when he wakes up. He likes peek-a-boo so much. He likes to laugh a lot and play catch-me-if-you-can. The only tantrums that he has is when he is so sleepy, he cannot contain his emotions (all toddlers do that btw). He also says “hindi” which is No in English when he doesnt like something but again, we are unclear if he really means No or not.

I am not sure if its because of too much screen time or we never really taught him that well or we didn’t had any routine or consistent tasks at all that he was a bit left behind, but I am seeing some progress and I plan to continue and enjoy his childhood. I know that not all kids are the same, they all have their own timeline, even his cousin was like that, she only started to talk and point things at 30 months old. I will not worry anymore and I will stop googling things, I’ll trust my son, wait a little more for his skills and abilities and I’ll keep praying for his health. I just hope that he talks soon because I am dying to hear his cute voice saying Mommy! I love you!!




Getting Somewhere

I wish I had a plan, but I don’t.

Thinking where to go, what to do, and the future. When I was younger I used to think that, when I graduate, I just have to find a job, get married and live a happy life. Well, now that I’m working, I realized, that’s not always the case, it’s never like that.

Everything is going by so quickly. Soon I’ll be turning 25 and yet, I’m still uncertain with what I want to do. My friends, have come and gone. They leave and try for better lives outside our country. I would love to do that but, I’m scared of being alone. I’m afraid to be alone. But, what if I’m suppose to be alone?

I’m not going to lie, because of changes, loss, broken hearted, and thoughts. I have become so weak to face the future. But, I’m so close to the future I can feel it. It scares me how close it is. I know that someday, things may happen whether I like it or not. I know I’m not quite in the realm of testing or hard life decisons but the looming velocity at which I’m approaching sharp turns in my future is just undeniable. I feel like a book of unanswered questions, searching desperately for sense in the non-sensical. It’s almost like trying to come up with your own constellations in the night sky, connecting these dots and giving them meaning isn’t as easy as it seems.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in a year.. but eventually things will turn up, you will get better and be able to look back and say with relief.. “I made it”.

Quick post: Cold feet

I’m scared. I was happy a few hours ago but then, thinking about a lot of things turned my mood upside down.

I’m terrified.. of the future, I’m unknown and still wandering to where I am going. I don’t know which path is for me and which one is misleading. I’m floating, I’m stagnant and I’m undecided.

I’m afraid.. for my parents, time is so fast and they’re snatching away the years. If only I could stop everything and just hug them.

I’m worried.. for us, for him. I want this to last. I want this so bad. Is he the one or this is just a phase? Can we make it or not?

I’m scared.

These are the times..

These are the times where I wanted someone to talk to me so bad and just be left alone at the same time. The times where I usually drown myself watching Zombiefied movies to somehow divert my attention.  I’m not sure where I should put myself. I have no plan at all or maybe I got tired planning things that never really happen. This is not new to me, I can feel it almost every year since I’ve graduated and I’m so fed up already. Maybe even my friends are also tired of hearing all these dramas that I’ve been saying. Yes, I’m one of those stereotypes who hide everything by smiling, giggling, laughing and even by telling jokes that makes no sense at all. I’m usually  found inflating my ego to the point of nausea.

The truth is I’m scared of her.

I always carry out the pressure that she makes me feel. She’s my weakness and this weakness is dragging me away from her. Why do I always feel like I have to live up to her expectations? Do I even have a choice? All I want is to have a goal, a plan but I’m scared that everything will be washed out again and ends up with her blaming me all my life. ='(


First day of march and also the first day that I started reading The Hunger Games. I’m trying to keep myself busy. I’m trying to relax but I guess, I can’t.

Tomorrow, we will go to Puerto Galera (only the two of us) and I can’t even explain my feelings and emotions right now. I feel a bit bothered, scared, nervous and excited all at the same time. Wish me luck!