On lockdown

What have you been up to lately?

We are currently on extended community quarantine. Cases have been going up and i dont know until when we’ll be like this. But what I do know is we need to be safe and this is the only way that helps.

There are a lot of things that I am feeling down about for the past few days and in the coming days as we extend this quarantine.

Vacation plans cancelled

Birthday (not cancelled 😂) but celebrations with family will be.

I miss my mom

I miss eating out

I miss shopping

And i just miss everything we used to do. But these are just petty things but still valid feelings.

However, amidst all these cancelled things and plans. I am most thankful for my healthy family. For our jobs that we get to work from home, for our daily food and for all the friends who checks for us from time to time.

Its okay to feel sad, mad or even scared and anxious but dont forget to be grateful and think of the good things that you have while we experience this pandemic.

Aside from being thankful, Ive been distracting my self with a lot of cooking, baking and sometimes sewing DIYs. Maybe I’ll post some here.

How about you? How do you cope with the stress during this pandemic and quarantine?

Spotlight: Work issues

Oh how I miss blogging. Since I started my new work, I haven’t continuously updating my blog and I miss doing it.

This past few days, I’ve been so frantic with all the work loads and with a lot of new information with my work. I’m so distressed and troubled. I’m so much affected with every word and move that they’ll say especially about me. What irritates me the most is that whenever they try to compare us (all the newbies). Every one of us has their own style and own way of learning, some people learn simultaneously  but some learn slowly. It depends on their nature, habits and personality. Ugh! I just hate it when they do that!  I hate it, it’s just so unfair!

I just can not make sense of people at work, as well as the irate patients, they say one thing to your face and another behind your back.And for some sick, deranged reason I am meant to feel okay with this, as if it was my choice to end up this way?! And I am also suppose to be okay with this, I am suppose to pretend and just don’t care about all of it. I just don’t know how to blend with them!  My only consolation above all of those things is the smile that some of the patients give me whenever I talk to them. 

Because of all the issues and concerns that I’ve been receiving and experiencing from my co-workers, managers and other clinic staffs, I keep on blubbering them to my friends.

And I can see that everyone has given up on me, the whole entire world has given up on me.They tell me, this is just new work blues, get over it. But there is so much emotions, hurt, fear and pain built up in me, I just can’t contain it anymore.
Everyone has given up on me.

For now, I must live with this quote:

All things are difficult before they are easy.
Thomas Fuller

Back to the start

Again, I’m back to the old scenario when I graduated from the University. It’s been 3 days (not counting the weekends) since I’ve been unemployed and I’m currently looking for a job. Yes, it’s not easy and it’s one of the most difficult part of being a young adult. Finding and looking for a job especially for a nursing graduate like me in the Philippines is a really devastating task. I know, I need more patience and understanding whenever things are not in my favor. The uncooperative weather is adding up to the immense burden that I’m feeling.

Ugh, I just hope everything turns out well. I’m really excited to have a new job and this time I want a job where I can apply something about my field. I need to start somewhere.

Today was a really Productive day! I just need to stay hopeful and positive while keeping my eyes peeled and my ears open in order to find one.

Wish me luck!

As a job seeker, remember this: You only lack experience if they want it done the same old way.  ~Robert Brault

Where are those days?

Since when did I become possessive, pointless, too controlling, jealous pain in the ass?

It’s official, I’ve fallen to a lower state. Right now, I’m feeling so disgusted with myself, especially when I saw that video post about the overly attached girlfriend. Sad to say, but I have to admit that I was a little affected by that video and I can sense that I’m slowly becoming that irritating person.

I used to be so carefree, stress free and confident. I realized that I need to loosen a bit! Get back to my old self and back on the track. Back to where I was able to hold my self and just let things go. I miss those days where I was so strong and not afraid at all. I wish I can go back to those days where I’m still not bound with these insecurities and jealousy.

I want to be worry free. I want to be confident again and I want to be able to work on my weaknesses just like the old days. To let go and not possess anybody. I have to know that this is not the worst of the situations and that I need to be tougher. I want to be able to fully trust someone, if not, maybe at least believe in that person and hope that everything is fine. I want to stare at a picture of myself, smiling or laughing, seeing how genuinely happy I am and thinking how I’ve got through all of this. I want those back.
From now on, I refuse to give in to the horrible illness that has taken so many memories and people away from me. I know it won’t happen in just a snap and it will take time but I’m doing it. Yes, I have doubts. That’s why I create all safety measures, surround him by every trick, by cunningness, by cleverness, so that he cannot leave me like before. I was traumatized but  I’m killing love. Love is freedom. Love is being free and all about living life.

I need to blow my worries to the wind…and just believe.

While I was doing this post, I suddenly remembered Regina Spektor’s new song and unexpectedly it fit exactly on what I’ve been thinking and dwelling today.

All the Rowboats is all about great artworks being locked up and hidden from the world. It’s our tendency to keep and limit the beautiful and amazing things locked up, when they should be exposed and free for everyone to appreciate. But sometimes, we admire them so much that we’re already destroying them. Intentionally and unintentionally.

The music is very classic and astounding.

Fits perfectly to my mood today.

If you really love, there is no need to possess.
– Osho

These are the times..

These are the times where I wanted someone to talk to me so bad and just be left alone at the same time. The times where I usually drown myself watching Zombiefied movies to somehow divert my attention.  I’m not sure where I should put myself. I have no plan at all or maybe I got tired planning things that never really happen. This is not new to me, I can feel it almost every year since I’ve graduated and I’m so fed up already. Maybe even my friends are also tired of hearing all these dramas that I’ve been saying. Yes, I’m one of those stereotypes who hide everything by smiling, giggling, laughing and even by telling jokes that makes no sense at all. I’m usually  found inflating my ego to the point of nausea.

The truth is I’m scared of her.

I always carry out the pressure that she makes me feel. She’s my weakness and this weakness is dragging me away from her. Why do I always feel like I have to live up to her expectations? Do I even have a choice? All I want is to have a goal, a plan but I’m scared that everything will be washed out again and ends up with her blaming me all my life. ='(