Gone are the days

Maybe Im crazy or maybe im just overanalyzing things but i sure know that something is different,something is not the same between us.

7 years, i cannot lie, half of it was a struggle but the other half was full of butterflies in the stomach and sunny days. Happy days still makes me smile but on the other side i have a heavy heart.

Past few months was definitely a down time. A lot of things had happened and there’s still some concerns that i cannot find the answer. Maybe it was the truth but my mind tells me otherwise. I do not know if im just refusing to believe or this is what my gut is telling me. Either way, Im afraid. Im afraid that Im right all along. 

Giving it up would be easy. We already went through that,many times and still counting. Just wondering how long will i count, how long will i wait? Would it be worth it or we’re both wasting time? 

Honestly i feel sad for you, I know how much effort you’ve put in this relationship but that effort is not enough for what i am feeling right now. Honestly, im still hurting. I want you to move, get out of the way from your comfort zone and show me how much you care or me. Im longing! 

I hate morning thoughts.

My thoughts in restrospect

> My dad’s being so weird, telling stories about him that I’ve never heard before. Is this just old age or something is really wrong? Should I take this seriously?

> I will always wonder how and why you became a manager. Poor decision making, bad attitude, defective English grammar and very inarticulate. Maybe, I should blame all this luck on your voodoo doll. Should this persists, I must give a notice of withdrawal as soon as possible.

> My friends would be skeptical if they found out how our house looks like now. Thanks to hoarding, cats, dogs and the lack of will to clean the house.

> I don’t know if this is jealousy but I noticed that whenever I ask him to have a photo with me, he seems so annoyed. But then, he likes taking photos of himself with his friends, especially those pretty girls (sweet poses too). This is me giving simple things a shit. But this is how I feel, yet again thank you doubts.

> I’m so stressed that I’m having unusual thoughts, with me giving a big deal out of them. Sorry.

It’s definitely me.

Yesterday, I went out with my boyfriend and I don’t know why but I feel really irritated from the moment I saw him. I don’t mean anything rude but I just feel so different with him. He said that he was supposed to surprise me but he failed to do so because of traffic. I get it though, he’s not really good with surprises. We talked about our jobs and the people in our work. We also had lots of laughs and silly moments but I felt really  not contented and not that happy at all. I don’t really know why. I got really sensitive when he said that he doesn’t miss me that much and that he’s just preoccupied with his work and all. 

Is it me who’s changing? Or is this just some hormones acting up? Sometimes, I just feel like he doesn’t need me anymore. And sometimes, I think that maybe, there’s someone who can make me feel happier and appreciated. Argh! These thoughts are wrecking my day already. pssh.

Quick post: just your fabrication

You probably thought that he’s a different person now, a changed one. More mature and all grown up. You thought that he’s all yours and that he’s done all of it for you. But then, snapping back to reality, everything is just from your creative mind. Nothing’s changed. He’s still the person who cheated on you, who broke your heart and chose another girl because of body and looks, he’s still the same person who crumbled your trust and made you look stupid. He’s still the person who kept you waiting, the one who exposed you to all the lies and undone promises. He’s the one who, divulge you and opened you up to emotional and physical pain. Nothing has changed, you’re just making it up because you’ve been blinded by love.  So stop making things up, he’s still the same person you’ve known years ago. Save yourself. 

A perfect day

Sipping your hot coffee while stuck in your pajamas
Falling asleep while watching a movie.
Cold weather, a good book and a perfect reading spot.
Walking your dog in the middle of the night
Laying down on a couch, windows opened with music blasting.
Going home and ordering a pizza to eat
Bathtub and endless supply of bubbles, reading and eating apple pie.
Lunch at an insanely delicious restaurant.
Waking up early and going for a mini road trip to the beach
Undisturbed skinny dipping
Breakfast with parents and seeing them smile.
Walking dead marathon.
A nice summer night with friends.
Watching sad movies and cry and drink more hot chocolate
Shopping at a thrift store, finding out it’s sale.
A shiver-down-your-spine-good kiss
Taking a nap, thinking that you slept for 4 hrs.

First kiss, meeting your parents, deep conversations, staring at each other in silence, play fighting. My mind would race, in search of a word to describe how I felt for you. But of course I couldn’t find one because not even a thousand words could have explain how I felt. It was a feeling that was to good to be true. 

Fighting, sitting in silence, one word conversations, rarely being together and the last kiss. Turns out there was no truth to that feeling, that feeling I thought would last forever. Lying to my face, spreading my personal life, talking badly about me and letting me crumble while you stand over me… with her. 

Quick post: Cold feet

I’m scared. I was happy a few hours ago but then, thinking about a lot of things turned my mood upside down.

I’m terrified.. of the future, I’m unknown and still wandering to where I am going. I don’t know which path is for me and which one is misleading. I’m floating, I’m stagnant and I’m undecided.

I’m afraid.. for my parents, time is so fast and they’re snatching away the years. If only I could stop everything and just hug them.

I’m worried.. for us, for him. I want this to last. I want this so bad. Is he the one or this is just a phase? Can we make it or not?

I’m scared.

Make it three!

I’ve been working in my job as a clinic nurse for 3 months now, to be specific, Nov. 1 was the mark of my third month and I must say that I’ve come this far with my eyes closed and my hands clasped. It’s been a difficult 3 months. I lost a few pounds and I’ve had dark circles around my eyes, I really looked old, I feel like I’ve been here for ages!!

There are a lot of things that I’ve experienced and realized for that 3 months, Here are some of them:

> I realized that it’s challenging to work inside the mall. Everyday that I go to work or my break time, I see a lot of new products, discounted gadgets and buffets that I just can’t resist. This is were self control and self limitations comes. Whenever it’s payday, I always make it a point to eat or dine in a fine restaurant or maybe take out a food to satisfy my cravings. This is really compromising my money and as well as body. Whew!

> It’s true that you cannot please everybody, same way that they cannot please you too. There are a lot of people that you will never understand or you will never like no matter what you do. I’ve already mastered the art of faking a smiling or laughing face just to make them feel satisfied. Most of them are kind of weird and moody, and no matter what they do or what you do, I always think that they are irritating and annoying. Good thing, one of my Bestfriends is there or else I’ll be found in a  mental facility.

>Eating alone is not that bad. I don’t feel like eating with most of them. I just eat out with those people whom I’m comfortable being with and when they’re not around, I just usually swift away from the clinic and be lost somewhere in the food court area. I feel quite relieved to eat alone, away from those people that just worsens my stress. That way, I don’t have the need to think of any topic to keep them entertained while eating. 

> Wealthy and educated people don’t usually act the way that they should. Most of them are a bit rude and lacks patience. Sometimes they will yell at you even though you’re not the one to blame and even though you have explained very well their queries and complaints, they still give you the high tone of voice that only your parents can do to you! Yes, they are well-off but that doesn’t give them any license to make you look bad and say inappropriate words to you. Simple and a bit cliche but this is the reality. Money for them is power. 

> Weekends are truly special. When you work in a shifting schedule, sometimes you realized how lucky you are to be given a one day off that’s a Saturday or Sunday. You just want to make use of it in a very productive way like going out with friends or your special someone, or maybe just staying at home watching you fave TV series and movies. 

>It’s nice to wake up early in the morning. Time is so fast during the morning while time is like forever during the afternoon and night. Of course, nobody wants to go home late at night. Be minded that during the night, there are a lot of scary corners in Metro Manila that you have to be alert. 

>I learned and got used to drinking coffee and teas. I never liked coffee but ever since I started working in the clinic, I always feel a bit weak and loss of motivation. I felt like drinking coffee, can actually help me..or maybe not.

> Never bring your stress and sadness at home. Lately, I’ve been so stressed that I even panicked and got paranoid about work and some other things that whenever I go home, I tend to drop the bomb onto my parents and I know that it’s not right. I just lack self restraint.

>Friends always make a way to see you and be with you. I feel so special whenever my friends adjust to my schedule and financial capabilities just to be with me. They are wonderful. Workmates and acquaintances can never suffice your true friends. 

There! I’ve said it all.. or not? I know there are still a lot of things that I want to say but, some of them are lost in my train of thoughts. Maybe, I’ll just add them on my fourth month or maybe sixth month! I’m just keeping my fingers crossed. 

 

Quick post: Taped and Plastered

I’m supposed to be chilling and just enjoying my off-from-work day, but instead I feel a bit annoyed and wiped off.

Isn’t it a dismay when people accused you of not doing anything they said or asked you to do but honestly you have no idea what they are talking about. From what I remembered, they did not ask me to do anything or I can’t even remember if they asked any favor from me. Have I lost my memory? Nah! Definitely not! So, it is not right that you start to say not-so-good things to me when clearly, you’ve been misguided.

What’s more disgruntling is that I have no right to say anything about it. I have no right to reason out and explain my side or what I do know.  

Arrgh! Sometimes, Old people are just irritating and more rigid than a kid.

Quick post: Glassy eyed

I am unhappy, I’m not sure where I am going. 

It seems like I’m wandering to nowhere and I can’t even trace my own shadow. I’m desolated and puzzled. I have no motivation at all. It’s in my mind but I can’t do a thing about it. I lack trust in myself and as well with everything around me. When will I have inspiration and impulse to do all the things that I want?!