Catching my breath

It’s been so long since I last posted here in my wordpress blog site  I’ve been sick and still sick. For the last two weeks of December, a lot of things has happened already. We had Christmas party at NBC tent and we also had our own Christmas party at a Buffet restaurant. I had my CBC done and found out that I have low hemoglobin and slight increase in wbc, I got really worried because my cough and colds is still so active and I always feel weak and tired, that’s why I went and visited my doctor who gave me various kinds of medicines that made my wallet unhappy. My feet and legs are always in pain whenever I go home, from too much walking and standing. I just feel so exhausted and if I didn’t go to the doctor, I’ll faint again.  

Yesterday, I went to Tagaytay with my boyfriend and we had a hard time with out transportation but at least we made it. On our way home, someone called me through my phone and told me that they’re hiring me for their company. I really had a tough time because they wanted me to start as soon as January 2 and that means I have to pass my resignation letter 15 days before I go. It was difficult, I even caught my self staring blankly through the window of the bus, I’m thinking of what will happen, of what I will do and if this is really what I wanted. It’s difficult to move again to a different career path, a new work and environment. Aside from the fact that I’m really not enjoying the company of those people at my present job, I also really wanted to earn more money because I want to do more things and to give more to my parents especially my mom. I want to study and I want to learn. I have another goal which is to become a Nurse on a passenger ship/ cruise ship , but maybe it can wait and I haven’t even tried applying yet. I just wish I can do all those things in one.

I always feel like I’m running out of time and that I feel old. I don’t know why but, until now, I’m not sure of what I’ll do. I’ll just try and try until I find it out.

Quick post: When things go wrong..

“If you don’t like the system, get out of the system”

A quote, I remembered from my coworker at my previous job. I lasted for about a year and months with my last work and I can say that even though there are a lot of issues that I’ve had with that company, I stayed very long because I find comfort with my co workers and they listen to our complaints, although they don’t always do much with our concerns.

Right now, I’m planning of resigning, not this month but maybe next month or until January, I can’t take the pressure any longer, aside from the irate patients which I sometimes can get a hold of because I’m not good in anger management either. I also experience, lack of comfort and complacency from my co workers, including the managers and staffs. Even those people are backstabbing and condemning each other.

This place is the worst! Sometimes, you just feel that enough is really enough. As much as I want to voice out my feelings and observations, I can’t and I don’t want to cause more misunderstandings and chaos.

Right now, I just can’t wait for this year to end.

Too much to handle

There’s just too much going on right now with work.

I’m so close to the verge of giving up. Things are just getting too hard and I’m getting too overwhelmed. There’s not a day that I go home feeling all happy or well. I always feel wasted and stressed. Their presence suffocates me. Whenever I’m around them, I feel like my head is in a bubble. I can’t concentrate, I can’t connect, I can’t survive. I’m still struggling with wanting to be around.
I’m so scared that if this thing/situation with work continues, I’ll probably lose my passion in Nursing. I don’t want it to happen, I’ve experienced and met a lot of people and workmates in the past but these kinds of people are different. They have such strong sense of power that makes me so weak and sad. This isn’t my normal cycle of pain, this is so overwhelming and consuming. I feel locked out of life and happiness. I’ve been asking a lot of my friends and as well as my mom on how to cope up with this, but I still have no answers and solution.
Everyday, I go to work and I feel like giving up, always hoping that the day would end already and I’ll go home and eat, sit and rest with my dogs and parents, despite the worries and burdens of work. But then again, I would wake up again the following morning trying to face yet another day I would feel giving up.
I know, this is a blessing, a huge one but how come it’s so difficult for me to handle this thing. Have I lost my sense of compassion and strength? Everything has gotten worse. It’s only been 1 month and 2 weeks. But, I already feel like giving up. I’m already halfway given up.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

My day: There is something seriously wrong somewhere.

It was a truly long and unintelligible day for me. Too plenty to talk about and to short to whine about. Let’s allow the bullets to speak out.

> Woke up late because my work starts at 11am

> Tried my charm talking to lots of people.

> Tried getting along with my co-workers hoping that they would respond positively.

> Observed another Treadmill test. Confusing but apprehensible.

>Saw my boyfriend’s cousin and aunt together with the children having a check up at the clinic. Had a short chat with them.

> Had an awry PPD skin test injection to a 2 year old child. This made my day into a gruesome one. I’m so paranoid that the injection spot would form an edema or be inflamed and would lead me to have an IR. =((( That would be the end of me.

> I was (and still) preoccupied the remaining hours after the incident.

> Went to my boyfriend’s house (to eat, because I know my mother will not prepare food for me), found out he’s sick.

> His parents interrogating me and asking questions about my new work, salary, phone fights and my parents not knowing about Biggy. Pressure time.

> Sudden turn of emotion when I saw Biggy’s baby pic and His father’s baby pic. They look like twins!

Right now, I’m so sleepy but I cannot sleep. I keep on thinking about that injection incident and I feel like I’m about to burst from my paranoia and uneasiness. So help me Lord God.

Spotlight: Work issues

Oh how I miss blogging. Since I started my new work, I haven’t continuously updating my blog and I miss doing it.

This past few days, I’ve been so frantic with all the work loads and with a lot of new information with my work. I’m so distressed and troubled. I’m so much affected with every word and move that they’ll say especially about me. What irritates me the most is that whenever they try to compare us (all the newbies). Every one of us has their own style and own way of learning, some people learn simultaneously  but some learn slowly. It depends on their nature, habits and personality. Ugh! I just hate it when they do that!  I hate it, it’s just so unfair!

I just can not make sense of people at work, as well as the irate patients, they say one thing to your face and another behind your back.And for some sick, deranged reason I am meant to feel okay with this, as if it was my choice to end up this way?! And I am also suppose to be okay with this, I am suppose to pretend and just don’t care about all of it. I just don’t know how to blend with them!  My only consolation above all of those things is the smile that some of the patients give me whenever I talk to them. 

Because of all the issues and concerns that I’ve been receiving and experiencing from my co-workers, managers and other clinic staffs, I keep on blubbering them to my friends.

And I can see that everyone has given up on me, the whole entire world has given up on me.They tell me, this is just new work blues, get over it. But there is so much emotions, hurt, fear and pain built up in me, I just can’t contain it anymore.
Everyone has given up on me.

For now, I must live with this quote:

All things are difficult before they are easy.
Thomas Fuller