First kiss, meeting your parents, deep conversations, staring at each other in silence, play fighting. My mind would race, in search of a word to describe how I felt for you. But of course I couldn’t find one because not even a thousand words could have explain how I felt. It was a feeling that was to good to be true. 

Fighting, sitting in silence, one word conversations, rarely being together and the last kiss. Turns out there was no truth to that feeling, that feeling I thought would last forever. Lying to my face, spreading my personal life, talking badly about me and letting me crumble while you stand over me… with her. 

You and I, 

Hands and quicksand.

Here and then gone.

Heart stolen so many times,

Running around, tired and holding on.

Stuck in a time, where love is a blur.

Pretending is cheap and Hoping is just a word.

Could it be?

You and I.

Up all night

I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day.
—Vincent Van Gogh 

I’ve been planning this meet up for quite some time now, I really wanted my two friends (Ydelan and Karen) to get to know each other. After work, I hurried myself to MOA, for the meet up and it was really funny how we saw each other.

We watched This Guy’s inlove with you Mare, the last full show, Ydelan was hesitated at first but he had no choice but to watch it with us. It was super funny, the cinema was full of laughter all throughout the movie. It was a good choice!

The movie ended at around 12:30 and while we were walking out of the mall, we saw Timezone and played a bit, so around 1am.. we decided to go home. But, on our way to the passengers area, I suddenly asked them to drink and just chill out since it was also very late, without questions, they entertained my idea and agreed.

I was also feeling so devastated because of work, my family and about the Sign that I’ve been waiting but still nothing, not a single shadow of it. I’m really depressed, that’s why I decided to drink and just forget about it. I don’t usually drink, I’m not a drinker but, since I was with my two trusted friends, I thought that it was a good idea to drink that night.

My boyfriend was texting me and I was running out of battery so I just told him that we decided to go and drink. He did not hover and said that he will go too. It was really an unexpected night but it turned out super crazy and fun!

We went to Music 21, and stayed there singing, eating and drinking until 5 in the morning.

Too bad, I was not able to bring my camera. All photos were taken using Biggs’ camera phone.

We I really had fun because I am a frustrated singer ! LOL..  After that, we went near the bay because Karen was insisting the we should see the Sunrise.

What happened was another first time for me. I was really sober the next day but it’s all okay. =)

Thoughts: People in my life

“In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.”

I came across this quotation and I started wondering and thinking about those people in my life. I know it’s too early to point at them now because I’m still at the first quarter of my life.

I can still remember the book “Five people you meet in heaven” by Mitch Albom. Since then, I keep ob wondering how and is it truly possible that you’ll meet and see again those people that made an impact in your lives, even for a short lived time?

Well, of course I met a lot of people already. In my 24 years of existence, I already met different kinds of people. Some of them liked me and some just forgot about me.

Let me tell you about some of the few people that I’ve met.

When I was younger, I met persons (sometimes they are older than me) who treated me rudely, they were the wolves in my life, (I’m still currently meeting a few of them until now) at one point they would try to make me look bad, vulgar and embarrassed. I used to go home crying and telling my parents that I’m scared to go out because of those persons. I guess, I became a bit cautious when it comes to trusting people because of them. I don’t see some of  them now, but I can still remember those days. In the present, I still have a few of these persons, I cannot please them.

I met a lot of good people too, I met persons who would always believe in my capacities and abilities that made me study even harder. I like seeing these persons and doing my best so that, these persons would compliment me and make me feel better. I started believing in my self because of these persons.

Of course, I met friends, people who I like being with (and hopefully they also like being with me). People that make me laugh to death. They would make fun of me but it doesn’t matter because I would make fun of them in return. I usually spend a lot of my time just staying at their houses, talking about anything and everything about our likes, dislikes and life in general. It can be about giving advices or just having a good time together. Going to different places with them is a major bonus.

Speaking of friends, I met few people who became my friend but lost touch and went from being a friend to being forgotten. I don’t know if they still know me or remember me, but I still remember them. Most of them were from high school and elementary days. Thank goodness for Facebook but even though I see them online, everything is not the same. We are older.

I met people who were just passersby, I met in different places, exchanged numbers and email adds but the relationship didn’t end nowhere. It was just a short convo and bam! They’re out of reach.

The comebacks, these are the persons who I met, for a short time and I almost thought I would never talk to them or see them again but fate forbid, they’re good in comebacks. They rekindle the communication with me and at the most unexpected cases, they would help me in different aspects and issues of my life.

The I like them but I really don’t, these are the persons who I really try to avoid but they are very resistant and they would find ways to be with me, but I really don’t want to. These are the persons that I just don’t see my self for a very long time. And I don’t even know why I’m hesitant about them.

The persons whom I can’t get enough of, these people are the ones who I cannot ever turn down, I always make promises to them and I always try to do that promise. I always want to see them happy because whenever they are happy, I feel jitter bugs all over my body and I just want to sing and dance. I never want to loose them.

I know, there are a lot more of people that I met or will meet in my life. But for now, these are the ones that I can remember and the ones that’s currently having an impact in my life. (Maybe I’ll just update this for future reference) It my be good or bad, short ones or the for a long time. All of them has their reasons and purpose. We’re all intertwined and we’re all lessons for each other.

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

Hey,I’ve been …

Hey,

I’ve been so out of the mood lately, been talking to myself and talking with friends like you who’s obviously got tired and has given up on me already. My paranoia is running like a water in the faucet, very spontaneous. I hate that I’m causing you so much stress and so much things to worry about. As much as I want to control my self, I just can’t help it and I keep on stumbling in the black hole of hopelessness.

When I got this job, I realized how easy it was for me to pass the interviews and exams. I realized that I did not felt any difficulty and anxiety on the process of applying for it. And now that I got it and started working, I’ve come to realized that this is where the crucial part comes. The dreary part just started and I suddenly became aware that I must overcome the weary details before the easy ones. He won’t give this too me, if this is not meant for me. I must work hard and handle every problem and difficulties that comes with this. I’ve been on hiatus with Nursing for almost 1 year and 6 months and everything’s so new to me again.

This past few days, I’ve been so dependent on you, I did not realized that you needed to rest and take your time off too. My insensitivity came rushing again and I’m sorry about that. I know that you need time for yourself too and this past few days, I was always in your way just because I’m not feeling well. I only think about my self and it’s just so devastating.  I feel like I need to apologize for doing things differently. So, I’m sorry. I guess I am letting you down again. I don’t know why but whenever I hear your voice and see you, I just feel at ease again. I hope I can say to you that I’m fine and nothing’s wrong but I know you won’t believe me.  I just wish that you won’t give up on me like what everyone else did.

Thank you!

Even the most …

Even the most unlikely person can stab you from the back.

Today, I woke up feeling all so good because of the weather and the fact that I have no other errands to do. But, after a while, I had a sudden turn of my mood and everything went from lighthearted to devastated. All because of one online comment and a tweet.

Back when I saw her blog post, I made my reaction and just let that thing pass by, since I’m not sure if that’s exactly about me or not. This time, I felt really smeared because of her tweet that, I’m sure points directly to me.

I just can’t believe and I cannot understand why she’s doing and saying those things. I’m not even talking to her in particular about my posts but her reactions and the way she talks behind my back is just infuriating. I don’t even know her reasons and the things that she will gain by just insinuating me online.

What hurts the most is that she’s my friend, I treated her as one and it’s really funny to think that, we used to talk about a lot of things and she still talks sweetly to me but she makes remarks that only an enemy would do. So much that even social sites is being used to criticize your actions. I do that sometimes too, but I make sure that the person has no idea of what I’m talking about and would definitely not do that to a friend. Too bad for her because I know. Whatever her issues, I just hope she will have the guts to talk it out with me. It’s still not too late though but one last wrong move, I’ll definitely confront her.

Life takes your dreams and turns them upside down. Friends talk about you when youre not around. People make promises that they never keep and I’ve come to realize talk is cheap.

.

God is working …

God is working things out for you, even if you don’t feel it. Have faith and be thankful. Where faith and hope grows, miracles blossom

I just wish I can put this in my mind and in my heart. I’m having nonstop worries and doubts, Life is testing me again and I’m exaggerating (as always). I keep on having excuses which is a positive sign of laziness and I’m forming pity feelings for myself. All the negative energy are all leading to my way. I keep on whining but it’s no good and of no use. Its confusing when you can’t determine if the signs are for you to give up or just a test to see how long you could hold on. I’m so depressed. I don’t know what I want anymore. Oh Lord God I need your guidance.

These are the times..

These are the times where I wanted someone to talk to me so bad and just be left alone at the same time. The times where I usually drown myself watching Zombiefied movies to somehow divert my attention.  I’m not sure where I should put myself. I have no plan at all or maybe I got tired planning things that never really happen. This is not new to me, I can feel it almost every year since I’ve graduated and I’m so fed up already. Maybe even my friends are also tired of hearing all these dramas that I’ve been saying. Yes, I’m one of those stereotypes who hide everything by smiling, giggling, laughing and even by telling jokes that makes no sense at all. I’m usually  found inflating my ego to the point of nausea.

The truth is I’m scared of her.

I always carry out the pressure that she makes me feel. She’s my weakness and this weakness is dragging me away from her. Why do I always feel like I have to live up to her expectations? Do I even have a choice? All I want is to have a goal, a plan but I’m scared that everything will be washed out again and ends up with her blaming me all my life. ='(

I mistakenly let you..

I mistakenly let you tug at my heart strings a bit, as if it was already yours to play with.

You want a new life. But you take the new one you get every morning for granted.

There’s no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now that it’s gone it’s like it wasn’t there at all

If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life.

I try to teach my heart not to want things it can’t have.

Hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated.

Sometime around midnight by the airborne toxic event.

You just have to see her
and you know that she’ll break you in two.

As much as I enjoy the concept of being “just friends,” in reality, it’s a bizarre form of torture.

What hurts more than a promise broken is a promise not even remembered.

There is always going to be that one awkward moment when you walk by that person & remember all that you once had.

So there’s this..

So there’s this boy..

They all ask me what’s so special about him. Well,  he’s one of the few people who’ve made me smile and laugh endlessly. He made me feel confident about myself, which no one else had really cared to do before. He gave me a little spark of happiness on times that I needed it. He was a stranger and a crush. He wrote me poems and letters. He likes to cuddle, he holds my hand and we had meaningful conversations about squeaky trees and blue skies. He’s the first one to be worried whenever I’m depressed. He’s my first kiss and hopefully my last. =)

When he smiles, I know he needs me.

So, there’s this boy and you know the rest..