This morning, I was feeling a little down and not in the mood. I was worried and suddenly scared  at the same time. I think, my insecurity is just at an all time high so I decided to browse the internet and I found a site and started reading Signs of Insecurity. In the article, they explained the signs of an insecure person and how to manage them especially for those in a relationship. I was amazed on how well it described an insecure person. And how well I can relate to it.
As I said in my past entry Beautiful Cliche, I was really not the kind of person who’s self conscious until the day that I had scars all over my body and from the day that I had a boyfriend and left me for another girl just because that girl is pretty, nice, understanding and sexy, oh well maybe everything that I’m not.
From that day on, I became more self aware and conceited. My insecurities blew like a big wave. I realized how appearance can really affect a person’s attitude and personality. Since then, I never looked at my self the same way like before. I realized how insecure I am about my body because I’ve never been slim, and slim is what society tells me is attractive. I made myself believe that I’m not beautiful because I don’t have a nice face and skin or long soft hair or any of it. I don’t have normal sized boobs or long legs or anything that would ever be considered ‘pretty’. Yes, sometimes picture makes me look better than I do but still that does not make any difference. I get jealous whenever I see pretty girls around my boyfriend. I got scared that he might leave me again for someone better and that is freaking me out already. I’m attracted to slender girls myself, probably because I pay such close attention to fashion, but is it beautiful to me because it’s NOT what I am?
Insecurities have definitely took a stronger grip on my life than need be. That’s why some people continue to look for ways to being perfect. Perfection is an illusion and we’re sick because we want it. If you let it continue, you’ll see how crazy it works and the power it has over you. It will make you weak and scared. It will make you sit and worry and see things in a more different way and mostly in a negative way.It makes you question why people around you seem different. Why you’re so different.When in reality, the only thing that’s changing at all is your mind.
I know, I’m far from being secure again and as they said there is no cure for insecurities, you just have to have acceptance and understanding. I realized that if I can’t take it out, I have to let the nice things come out and be confident again.
Note to self: There are so many things to be insecure about and I have my own flaws and insecurities which I am aware of.
But why bother? All I need to do is be myself because I should always be my first priority. If they don’t like me then be it.
While I was browsing my Facebook newsfeed. Â I came across this video posted by one of my friends.
The title itself captured my attention. I think it’s because people nowadays are becoming more concern and conscious when it comes to their Physical Appearance. According to this video (By the way, the girl talking in this video is Thammie Sy. She’s a mom blogger and a wife of a Pastor in a well known Christian Church.) Beauty is fleeting. That we should not invest too much on our physical appearance because everything will fade as time goes.
Beauty. What is Beauty?
According to my other friend. Wikipedia, Beauty (also called prettiness, loveliness or comeliness) is a characteristic of a person, animal,place, object, or idea that provides a perceptual experience of pleasure or satisfaction.[1] Beauty is studied as part of aesthetics, sociology, social psychology, and culture. An “ideal beauty” is an entity which is admired, or possesses features widely attributed to beauty in a particular culture, for perfection.
So based on this definition, beauty is a part of human nature. Beauty is a perception and appreciation at the same time. It is how we perceive a characteristic. It’s part of our society but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it is important.
So, let me share you a little secret. A long one though. Sorry.
As a normal kid, I used to play and surround myself around other boys. I had scars and wounds on my legs and arms whenever I go home after playing all day with them. I also had dark skin because of too much exposure from sunlight because I always play outside. And as a I become a Teenager, I experienced having zits all around my face. At first, it was nothing for me. I’m also really lazy when it comes to combing my hair. I have natural curls that really makes it hard for me to manage. Brushing my teeth is also a heavy load for me. I just hate doing those things. I think I’m that unhygienic. I have short arms and legs too, so it means I’m a midget (I’m exaggerating again.)
Teenage years, are the times in which we realize how important it is to be presentable and to be beautiful. So, when I went to high school, Â that’s where I noticed how my classmates make a big deal about looking good. They start to have crushes and teasing those persons that they like. I experienced it too but I did not had the confidence because for me, I’m just a normal girl. Nothing special. There’s nothing magical about how I look. I did not think that I was pretty and I did not think I was ugly too. Not really sure about my perception with myself.
When I got to the University, I realized how the world around me is becoming bigger. I met new people but still I did not pay attention on how I look. Yes, sometimes I feel shy whenever I’m surrounded by girls who look a lot prettier. But, I guess I had this strong personality that makes me stand out in my own way(yeah.confidence at its finest .haha) I think it’s because I’m smart and had a lot of humor.
But I think what made me lose all my confidence was when I had chicken pox during my first year at the University. Yes, chicken pox. Simple problem. I gained a lot of scars all over my body and my zits also came out. I was absent for a week on almost all of my classes. My grades went down and my appearance just spawned to the ground. That time, I feel my ugliest. My confidence went all the way down. I did not go out of our house and I was not able to wear the shorts and skirts that I used to wear.
I guess, I realized that I had to look good after that. I need to be my best again. So that time, I got really conscious in how I look and how I should dress. Second year was my first year in Nursing, a lot of new people again and I had a group of friends where every time they go to the bathroom, they would put make up on and brush their hair and try to be cute and all. I hate that. I hate that part. I could not look in the mirror seeing the scars in my face. I don’t want to see my hair which looks like a messy mophead. I was fat too. I got really frustrated.
After that year, I tried different things that could help me look good.
I wanted people to notice me. So, I tried and yes I think I somehow gained my confidence back. I was doing it in the wrong way. Buying stuffs that promises you to look good. I got lured. I know. But, still I had those times were I feel that they’re not good enough, I’m not good enough. I guess, it will never stop.
Even now that I have a boyfriend. I still feel the unlikely feeling of being unpleasant. I know appearance plays a part in attracting the opposite gender. But, in my case I guess he got attracted with my jolly and funny attitude. I’ve never felt being insecure until now that I had a boyfriend. I get really jealous whenever there are other pretty girls around him. I guess, it’s normal for girls to feel that way but I’m really trying to surpass that part of my life.
My battle with looking good was never ending. It was a cycle. One day I was feeling pretty the next day I’m a mouse hiding inside a whole.
As I said, I was never conscious and aware with how I look, until the day where I had scars and zits all over my face and body. I tried changing my self especially with how I look but everything seems to go again from the beginning. It’s a system that I got used to already.
One thing is for sure, no matter what your appearance is, no matter how good you dress up. People will talk about you, it may be good or bad. It’s true that beauty will fade but your attitude and the way you look at yourself will remain. So, you need to be positive and you should never think that beauty is the basis of all things in life. It’s just a part of it, lucky if you’re beautiful but it’s still on how you look at your life and how you handle the things that’s happening around you. In the eyes of our Lord God we are all the same.
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. ––Proverbs 31:30
Momma Potathoughts 😅 