Painful truth

Some say that the truth hurts. Yes the truth hurts especially if someone keeps on denying it. But, after all is said and done, once the truth is laid down, you will not feel anything anymore (after all the crying and dwelling) You’ll go numb and questions will start filling you mind and I got really scared.

I tried to listen, but reasons are made up with words and the real reason is somewhere between those lines and his mind. Sometimes reasons are made to protect one’s self. He blamed me for everything. That’s when I realized that people will try to put the fault to anyone for their own actions and that’s what strucked me the most. Do I get all the credit for these wrong acts? Do I really need to take the blame for his decisions? Yes I hope so, so that when I tried to change, he’ll changed too. Simple as that.
I am proud of him, i always boast him to my colleagues and friends. I tell then that aside from his work he has another project (which i found out that he really is not going to work but goes to those places, funny that I even encourage him to go to his project weekly). He is sweet even though im always hot tempered. He cooks for me, give gifts, says sweet words out of the blue and takes care of our baby even while working. He is a real father figure, everyday, I feel thankful that he is there to take care of my baby. But, after all this, its devastating to know that he is another person behind my back. Someone who goes with a handle name and a story to tell. A total stranger. Sick.

All those time and money he invested in such places, could have been invested in enhancing his skills and knowledge, he can even have new friends with same passion by attending seminars And trainings. If you really want to be successful, no ifs and buts, you make a way to have it. And we could have been more proud than ever. I really thought he is smarter than this. He tells me he wants us to get married in the church, he keeps on telling me that he will save money But his money is being exhausted to his unusual vice and by that, so far, I do not see any wedding To happen any time soon.

For the past few days, all those crying, screaming and flying rockers and toys. I realized that he is very weak. Not only in terms of his urges and sexual desires but He is still weak in handling his own emotions and decisions. I loved him and its disappointing to see him wreck this family with those kinds of decisions. As what his dad said, the father is the one who carries the family, if  he goes to those kinds of places this means that he is also dragging us to immorality. I feel sad for our son! (It sucks!)

My mentor told me that she learned that you have to have 3 mentors in your life. First is your mentor in your career. This person will help you to shape what you really want in terms of your career and future goals. He’ll open you to the different options that you can have and enhance your passion and skills. Another is your life Mentor, someone you confide in all you life and personal concerns, someone you look up to and would encourage you to take the best decisions in your life and lastly your Rock. If all else fails, your rock will be there to pick up the pieces and help you stand up and grow to be the best person that you can be. I want to be his rock. I would like to be his rock but he is finding for a different rock somewhere along those places.

Looking back on the past few days, I am very tired already, Im sure he is too. We are both tired. Our love is slowly dying and our family is at risk. I would like to help him get back on track but if he keeps on changing his directions, I guess that’s the time to move on and find my own Rock, no more ifs and buts. 

Living on the brink

I hope it was that easy.

I was scrolling facebook and found an article about cheating husbands. Nope, it was not about the usual cheating of a man being truly in love with another woman aside from his wife. But a man that longs for attention and finds it in some women who offers sexual encounters in exchange of cash and when confronted he’ll play the “deny till you die” game maybe because of pride and shame.

I feel real bad, something more of a rope wrapped around my neck, yes that bad. Red flags are not red flags anymore because I know for sure, his reasons are different everytime. Short tempered, over reacting to things, losing patience and unusual walks, grab history and text messages. I know something is not right with him and I know that its not my fault. All these are just part of his sick frustrations, sexual desires, seeking for attention and longings for the thrill.

I honestly felt sorry for him, I wish I could help him. I just hope he’ll realized that all these girls are just a facade and a waste of time and money. By availing He’s even encouraging these women to continue working in a so called “business”that is more of an animal business. Flesh and bone. All these Money that could have been saved for the future and time that could have been spent with me and my son.

Our family is on the edge. Nothing can stop this fall except him And no one can help him but himself. I tried to protect him but time will come and all of these efforts will be gone to waste if he’ll continue with these short time pleasures. I hope he’ll realize it sooner because someday everything that he is trying to build will come crashing down before his very eyes and I sure hope he’s prepared.

Breaking the rules

Today, i am crying. I am devastated and disappointed. Im thinking over and over again. Analyzing, contemplating. I am trying hard to be open minded but i can’t, i could not. I really do not understand what is happening and why is it happening. Is there anything wrong with me? Would anything be much better if i had known this then? 

The pain is fresh. A reopened wound. Traumatized. I do not understand. I am looking for reasons, reasons that i will not have now, i dont know when but definitely not now. The timing is bad and the situation is a blur. We are a mess once again. 

We were almost there. I almost believed you. I Thank God for this sign. Am I ready? 😦

Soon.

Dazed

If you happen to have someone whom you fully trust and then one day, that trust came like an earthquake, drowning you down, ripping you out alive. Wouldnt you give up? 

Happened to me once, and its undeniably one of the worst feelings to feel in your twenties. Right there and then, i gave up! I gave up my hopes. I gave up on the emotions and I gave up on trust. From then on, i decided, that I can only trust myself. Nobody in this world should ever earn your trust aside from yourself. In this changing and dynamic time,you can never tell what might happen next. The turn around is just a blink of an eye.

What’s weird is that the time that I gave up was also the time that I gave it a second chance. Love took over, covering my eyes and ears. Years later, I almost thought everything was worth it, I thought I got it back, but reading through the lines, looking at the pictures, I really never did. Everything went up and down. I may be selfish that Im feeling this now but this is something i cannot control, i have no control. This can’t be happening, again!

Then it hit me, is this really worth the chance? Is this my future? Do I still trust myself to do this? Will i just settle for this? 

Roller Coaster going 5!

Time is definitely so fast! The last time I checked, we we’re just in College and now we’re working and just Celebrated our 5 years together! Whew!

We were supposed to go Swimming somewhere in Batangas but due to my Monthly visitor, we just have to cancel it and reschedule it. Anyway, we had other plans and it’s to Go to Star City (Sorry, but ugh, it’s been years since I last went there, i can’t even remember how the whole place looks like.) It’s was also our first time to go to an Amusement park(with scary rides) tried rides together (Yeah, You can only do so much in 5 years!). Those deadly and fun rides can also relate to our Relationship during those years. Of course, there were Ups and Downs but it’s all up to both of you on how you will handle the situation and how you work it out together!

We’re not able to try a lot of rides because the lines were always so long and he just doesn’t want to wait. bleh!

We also met one of his College friend in Football and it was really nice to hear old stories and how he was back in College before I met him. ( especially love it whenever he tries to kiss me, look at me or just hold my hands in front of his friends! PDA, I know, but it just feels super sweet!)

All in, it was a very Fun day for me! I enjoyed everything! It was just a very simple Pre Celebration of our 5 years Together but it was another memorable time for us and our Relationship!

Here are some of the Pictures:

 

Outside, while the sun is still out!

 

While waiting for our Turn to ride the Vikings!

 

We also tried the SHOOTING GAME. I am really insisting that I scored higher than him! haha

And oh! he got me a gift!!

What’s inside? A purple matching headphones with him a Letter that I noticed A day before I opened the gift! haha!

Anyway, I really hope we can have more days like this! I know, 5 years is just the beginning, we will have a lot of drawbacks and setbacks but I’m just crossing my fingers that we will make it through and be in the finish line together!

Thank you Lovidubs for that Wonderful day and Thank you for Staying with me always!

XO

I worry enough

 

“So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.”

—	The Perks of Being a Wallflower

 

After two weeks of not seeing each other, we finally had time to go out and eat and talk and cuddle. There’s just too many “and” =)

We talked about a lot of things, especially about his plans of going abroad and work. I honestly, applaud him for being brave and having an objective in life. Of course, I need to support his intents in life and especially his career. I don’t want to be the cause for him to contemplate things and make it more complicated. 

I remember telling him before he go to sleep that “whatever happens, whether it’s you and me or not, at least we tried”.

Frankly, I’m not the easiest person to understand. I’m a wack. I can’t keep my room sparkly clean and my bag isn’t organized as well. I can’t lose weight no matter how hard I try to be like those extremely perfect models on TV. I might make you worry too much and I know I’ll worry about you a lot. I might annoy you to death with how much of a crybaby I can get.. Or how I don’t grow up as much as I should.

 I may say things and do things for the moment and may regret or change my mind afterwards, but, I’m just so lucky to have someone like him. He kisses me against all my flaws and never judge me by the things that I’ve done and I’ve been doing. He cries with me. Holds my hand whenever I’m cold and sweaty.

This anxiety that I’m feeling about the future is making my current relationship in jeopardy and it’s not right. Let the good times roll. That’s kinda how I felt today. Spending alot of time with friends and loved ones is always so good. But life isn’t always good times. There’s the melancholy daily routine, there’s the struggles, and then there’s the good times. Good times should stand out. Bad times make the good times seem better. 

The present is the future. If I’m happy now, I’ll be happier in my future. Good vibes. 

Getting Somewhere

I wish I had a plan, but I don’t.

Thinking where to go, what to do, and the future. When I was younger I used to think that, when I graduate, I just have to find a job, get married and live a happy life. Well, now that I’m working, I realized, that’s not always the case, it’s never like that.

Everything is going by so quickly. Soon I’ll be turning 25 and yet, I’m still uncertain with what I want to do. My friends, have come and gone. They leave and try for better lives outside our country. I would love to do that but, I’m scared of being alone. I’m afraid to be alone. But, what if I’m suppose to be alone?

I’m not going to lie, because of changes, loss, broken hearted, and thoughts. I have become so weak to face the future. But, I’m so close to the future I can feel it. It scares me how close it is. I know that someday, things may happen whether I like it or not. I know I’m not quite in the realm of testing or hard life decisons but the looming velocity at which I’m approaching sharp turns in my future is just undeniable. I feel like a book of unanswered questions, searching desperately for sense in the non-sensical. It’s almost like trying to come up with your own constellations in the night sky, connecting these dots and giving them meaning isn’t as easy as it seems.

Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or even in a year.. but eventually things will turn up, you will get better and be able to look back and say with relief.. “I made it”.

What’s up!

I’ve been absent here for ages and I noticed how depressing my previous posts were. Some things never change and instead of dwelling on them, I’d rather blog about the things that have happened for these past few days. I’ve been so busy with work that I forgot about blogging my experiences.  

For the past few days, I did a lot of catching up with my old friends:

 

Met with my friends from Healthway.

 

Went out with my workmates and had a Despidida party for our Trainer from India.

Had a nice dinner and a fun time at the cafe with my EPI friends. Thank God for having friends who would wait for you after work. =)

Watched the Pyromusical for the first time with my Cousins. It’s also the first time that we went out. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen them. One of those really rare event.

And lastly, we had a Pre birthday celebration for Chucky. Her treat! hehe =)

Looking at these photos, makes me realize that a lot had happened and I didn’t even noticed it. It’s good to know that atleast I had fun times, away from all those stress from work and my family. Thank you Lord. =)

 

 

 

 

You’re making me.

Everytime that you open your mouth, I want to kill myself. I want to forget everything. I want to disappear. All this hurt, I feel like it’s trying to explode out of me.

You’re making me hate you. You’re doing and saying things that destroys our family. I just can’t understand you anymore. It kills me to see you like this. It hurts me to see my mother suffer from you. I’m tired of waking up to the sound of your temper. You’re wasting time.

I think of running away, far from you and your regrets. Far from your animosities. But, I can’t, we couldn’t. It seems like there’s no chance for you to change. I’m just sick of it.

He’s Incurable

Talking to him makes me want to cry.

Is it because he’s too old to understand or there’s just too much hate that he became closed minded.

I know that he is struggling, I know that a lot of things happened, I know that he’s getting really old but that’s not really the reason why he became such person. He hates her. 

I don’t know how to handle him anymore, I used to talk to him when I have problems at school and work. But, whenever he has problems with us, with our mother, he’s becoming a really different person. I used to give him high tones of voice and hurt him just to make him listen to me, to us. We used to talk to him nicely but either way, he’s still the same. He shattered every familial bond with his selfishness.

I’m really disappointed with him. He’s unstable. He’s out of motivation, he doesn’t trust us and he’s resistant. Ever since I was a child, I never fail to wish and pray that someday he’ll change. That someday, he’ll listen to us and just live a smooth family life.

If there’s one thing that I want, that would be a peaceful and loving family. But, how can it happen when I’m surrounded with uncompromising and narrow minded people. He gave up a long time ago. I’m really tired.